m 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


GIFT  OF 

David  Freedman 


NASBY. 


DIVERS  VIEWS,   OPINIONS, 

A  sn 

OF 


Lail  Pusler  iir  tUe  t'lmrch  nt  the  Soo  Dinpeiuiuhun 


wirn  nrxoROus  desioxs  nr  tiiek  jo\es. 


CIXCIXNA  TI: 
R.    W.  Carroll  &  Co.,  PuhUshers, 

JOS.  L.   Torn  AM  ^   CO.,   Gmeral  Agents, 
{Opera-Itoute  Building.) 

1866. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1S65,  by 

R.  W.  CAEROLL  &  CO., 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  United  States  for  the  Southern 
District  of  Ohio. 


DEDIKASHEN. 


TO    THAT   STERLIN    PATRYOT   AND    UNKORRUPTIBLE    CHRISCHEN   GENTLEMAN. 

FERNANDYWOOD,  uv  Noo  \ork: 

TO  THAT  HI-TONED  MAN  AND  WOOL-DIED  DIMEKRAT, 

FRANKLIN   PEERSE,  uv  Noo  Hampshire; 

TO    THAT    LONQ-SUFFKIN    BUT    PASHENT    DIMEKRAT, 

JESSE  D.  BRITE,  uv  Injeant, 

Whose  highest  recommendashun  is  that  he  wuz  eckspelled  frum  a  Ahlislin  Sonii    hat 
who  wood  hev  resined  hed  ther  ever  bin  a  prcsedcnt  fer  a  Dimekrat  resiuiu ; 

AND    TO    THE    GRATE 

VALLANDIGUM,  uv  Ohio, 

Who  went  to  the  stake  with  a  kamness  onparrallelled,  fer  prinsipplo, 
IS    K-ESFECTFULLY    X)EDIIC.A.TEI3, 


THE   ORTIIER. 


Saint's  Rest,  ('which  is  in  the  Stait  rv  Noo  Gebset,) 
November  the  \st,  I36S. 


PRESIDENT  LINCOLN'S  INDORSEMENT  OF  NASBY. 


The  subjoined  account  of  President  Lincoln's  hi^h  appre- 
ciation of  the  wit  and  humor  of  Nasby  was  contributed  to  the 
New  York  Independent,  by  F.  B.  Carpenter,  Esq.,  the  artist, 
who  enjoyed  the  confidence  of  our  late  lamented  Chief  Magis- 
trate, and  whose  reminiscences  have  an  authenticity  entitling 
them  to  implicit  credit.     Mr.  Carpenter  says : 

"The  Saturday  evening  before  President  Lincoln  left  Washington,  to 
go  to  the  front,  just  pi-evious  to  the  capture  of  Richmond,  I  was  with 
him  from  seven  o'clock  till  nearly  twelve.  It  had  been  a  very  hard 
day  with  him.  The  pressure  of  office-seekers  was  greater  at  this  junc- 
ture than  I  ever  knew  it  to  be,  and  he  was  almost  worn  out.  Among 
the  callers  that  evening  was  a  party  composed  of  a  Senator,  a  Repre- 
sentative, an  ex-Lieutenant  Governor  of  a  Western  State,  and  several 
private  citizens.  They  had  business  of  great  importance,  involving 
the  necessity  of  the  President's  examination  of  voluminous  documents. 
Pushing  every  thing  aside,  he  said  to  one  of  the  party,  'Have  you  seen 
the  Nasby  Papers?'  'No,  I  have  not,' was  the  answer.  'Who  is  Nasby?' 
'There  is  a  chap  out  in  Ohio,'  returned  the  President,  'who  has  been 
writing  a  series  of  letters  in  the  newspapers  over  the  signature  of  Pe- 
troleum V.  Nasby.  Some  one  sent  me  a  pamphlet  collection  of  them 
the  other  day.  I  am  going  to  write  to  "Petroleum"  to  come  down  here, 
and  I  intend  to  tell  him  if  he  will  communicate  his  talent  to  me,  I  will 
swap  places  with  him!'  Thereupon  he  arose,  went  to  a  drawer  in  his 
desk,  and  taking  out  the  'letters,'  he  sat  down  and  read  one  to  the 
company,  finding  in  their  enjoyment  of  it  the  temporary  excitement 
and  relief  which  another  man  would  have  found  in  a  glass  of  grog! 
The  instant  he  had  ceased,  the  book  was  thrown  aside,  his  countenance 
relapsed  into  its  habitual  serious  expression,  and  the  business  was  en 
tered  upon  with  the  utmost  earnestness." 


/ 


CONTENTS. 


kumhek  pao» 

I. — How  lie  came  to  be  a  Democrat 25 

II. — Wingerts  Corners  Secedes 28 

III. — Negro  Emigration 31 

IV.— Oad  to  Peece 34 

V. — Has  an  Interview  with  Vallandigham 36 

VI. — Proposes  to  Celebrate  the  Fourth 40 

VII. — Annihilates  an  Oberliuite 43 

VIII.— Makes  a  Candidate  "uv  Hisself  " 46 

IX. — Shows  why  he  should  not  be  Drafted 52 

X. — In  Canada 54 

XL— Is  finally  Drafted 57 

XII. — Deserts — His  Experience  in  Clothes 00 

XIII.— Captures  a  Turkey 65 

XIV. — Improves  his  Fortunes  by  Marriage 68 

XV. — Converses  with  a  Southern  Soldier 70 

XVI.— At  Home 73 

XVII. — Assists  Draft  Resisters 7t) 

XVIII.— Strategiscs 79 

XIX. — Addresses  the  Soldiers ^l 

XX. — Organizes  a  Democratic  Church 84 

XXI. — Goes  on  with  his  Church 87 

XXII.— "Capcherd" 00 

XXIII.— Starts  a  Paper It3 

XXIV. — Preaches  and  makes  a  Sudden  Sliift '.'6 

XXV. — Observes  a  Daj'  of  Fasting 99 

XXVI.— Visits  Vallandigham 102 

XXVII. — Converses  with  a  Brother 107 

XXVIII.— Confession  of  Faith 110 


Xll  CONTEXTS. 

NTMrKK  PAOE 

XXIX.— Preaches— Subject:    "Givin  " 113 

XXX. — Visits  Camp  Dennison  to  Electioneer  for  Vallandigham.  116 

XXXI.— In  the  "Apossel  Biznis '' 119 

XXXII.— Waileth 122 

XXXIII.—"  Changes  his  Base" 125 

XXXIV. — Has  an  Interview  with  the  President 128 

XXXV.— Preaches 132 

XXXVI.— Proposes  to  Restore  the  Union 13G 

XXXVII.— A  Plan  for  the  Salvation  of  the  Democratic  Party 139 

XXXVIII.— Takes  a  Retrospective  View 142 

XXXIX.— Communes  with  Spirits 145 

XL. — Tries  an  Experiment 149 

XLI. — Addresses  Jefferson  Davis 152 

XLII. — Establishes  African  Slavery 155 

XLIII. — Opposes  the  Nomination  of  a  Military  Man 159 

XLIV.— Preaches— Subject:   "  The  Prodigal  Son" 163 

XLV.— Dreams 167 

XLVI. — Tries  to  Awaken  an  Interest 172 

XLVII. — Recommends  Unanimity 176 

XLVIII. — Again  Repudiates  McClellan,  and  Reasons  Therefor....  179 

XLIX. — Ordains  a  Missionary 182 

L.— AViU  Support  McClellan 186 

LI.— Gives  Thanks 189 

LIL— Waileth 192 

LIII. — Fremont's  Nomination 195 

LIV.— Nominates  a  Ticket 198 

LV. — Addresses  Jefferson  Davis 200 

LVL— On  the  Return  of  Vallandigham 203 

LVII. — Defines  his  Position,  and  Appeals  for  Aid 206 

LVIII. — Declares  for  Repudiation  and  Union  with  the  South....  210 
LIX. — Shows  that  a  War  Platform  won't  do  for  the  Democracy.  213 

LX. — Has  a  Class  Meeting  and  Deprecates  Negro  Killing 216 

LXL— Starts  a  Society  of  his  Own 219 

LXII. — Indoi'ses  the  Nomination 222 

LXIII.— The  Candidates  and  Platform 226 


CONTEXTS.  XUl 

KVMBF.R  PAG« 

LXIV.— Waileth  Muchly 230 

LXV. — Despondeut 233 

LXVI.— Lamcnteth 235 

LXVII. — The  Planter's  Lament 238 

LXVllI. — Has  a  Dream 240 

LXIX. — Loses  a  Friend,  and  Writes  his  Obituary 244 

LXX. — Issues  an  "Appclc  " 248 

LXXL — lias  a  Difficulty  with  his  Flock  and  Leaves  it 252 

LXXII. — Ye  Lament  of  Joseph  Bowers 255 

LXXIII. — Takes  a  Retrospective  View 262 

LXXIV. — Deprecates  the  Arming  of  the  Slaves  by  the  South 206 

LXXV. — Has  a  Frightful  Dream 209 

LXXVI. — Proposes  the  Emigration  of  the  Democracy 272 

LXXVII.— Consults  the  Spirits 276 

LXXVIIL— "Waileth  and  Cusseth  " 279 

LXXIX. — Renounces  Slavery 283 

LXXX. — Lftmenteth 285 

LXXXI. — Lines  onto  O.  P.  Morton,  the  Tirent  uv  Injeany 288 

LXXXII. — Details  the  Failures  of  the  Democracy 2l>0 

LXXXIII. — Mr.  Nasby  and  his  Friends  on  the  Fall  of  Charleston...  292 

LXXXIV. — Lamenteth  over  the  Apostiicy  of  the  Saints 297 

LXXXV.— The  Fall  of  Richmond  and  Lee's  Surrender 300 

LXXXVL— The  Assassination 304 

LXXXVIL— "Makes  a  Delegashun  uv  Hisself '^ 007 

LXXXVIIL— Sonnit — 2  a  Litter  uv  Little  Pigs 311 

LXXXIX.— Has  a  Vision 312 

XC. — Lays  Down  a  Platform  for  the  Coming  Campaign 317 

XCI.— Sonnit— 2  a  Old  Hoss 321 

XCII. — Meets  a  "Rcconstructid  Suihern  Shivelry  ' 322 

XCIII.— "Dreams  a  Dream  " 327 

XCIV. -Sonnit^2  Whisky 331 

XCV. — Issues  an  Address  to  the  Southern  Democracy 332 

XCVI. — Searches  the  Scriptures,  and  gets  Comfort  Therefrom...  336 

XCVII. — Suggests  a  "  Psnlm  of  Sadness  "  for  his  friends  South..  339 

XCVllI. — lias  a  Dream  which  Unveils  the  Future 343 


XIV  CONTENTS. 

NUJinER  PAGE 

.   XCIX. — Opposes  the  Nomination  of  Soldiers 349 

C— Sonnit— 2  Ilanner  Ann 353 

CI. — Meets  a  Pardoned  Rebel,  who  Enlightens  Ilira 354 

CII.— The  Wise  Old  Rat 361 

cm.— Sonnit— 2  my  Nose 365 

CIV.— The  Diskontentid  Pezant 3G6 

CV.— Sonnit— 2  a  Skeetcr 371 

CVI. — Embarks  in  a  New  Enterprise 372 

CVII. — Indulges  in  a  Reminiscence  of  his  Youthful  Days 375 

CVIII.— Sonnit— 2  a  Korn 380 

CIX.— On  the  Diversity  of  the  Races 381 

ex.— Sonnit— 2  a  Five-cent  Piece 385 

CXI.— On  Southern  Character 386 

CXII.— A  Horrible  Vision 390 

CXIII.— Has  a  Conversation  with  the  Devil 398 

CXIV. — Appeal  to  the  Democracy 403 

CXV.— After  the  October  Elections,  186-5 407 

CXVL— The  Bow-Legged  Knite 411 

CXVII — Gives  his  Experience  in  Negro  Impudence 416 

CXVIII.— A  few  Last  Words 420 


ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAOB 

Title  Page 1 

poeteait 2 

Nasbt  Deserts — His  Experience  in  Clothes 63 

Nasby  Visits  Vallandigham 103 

Nasby's  Dream  of  Greatness 1G9 

Nasby  has  a  Difficulty  with  his  Flock  and  Leaves  it 255 

Ye  Lament  of  Joseph  Bowers 257 

The  Union  as  it  Was 355 


NASBY. 

» 

I. 

HOW    HE    CAME   TO    BE    A    DEMOCRAT. 

I  wuz  born  a  Whig.  ^ly  parents  wuz  a  mem- 
ber uv  that  party,  leastways  my  mother  wuz,  and 
she  alluz  did  the  votin,  allowin  my  father,  uv 
course,  to  go  thro  the  manual  labor  uv  castin  the 
ballot,  in  deference  to  the  laws  uv  the  country, 
wich  does  not  permit  females  or  niggers  to  vote, 
no  matter  how  much  intelleck  they  may  hcv 
in2  em. 

In  all  probability  I  shood  hev  cast  my  lot  with 
that  party,  hed  not  a  insident  occurred,  in  my  boy- 
hood days,  wich  satisfied  me  that  the  Dimocrisy 
wuz  my  approprit  and  nateral  abidin-place.  It 
wuz  in  this  wise : 

In  a  playful  mood,  wun  nite,  I  bustid  open  a 
grosery,  and  appropriatid,  ez  a  jest,  what  loose 
change  ther  wuz  in  the  drawer,  (alars !   in  these 


26  PETKOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

degenerit  days  uv  paper  currency,  the  enterprisin 
tlieef  hez  to  steel  at  40  per  sent  discount,)  and 
sich  other  notions  ez  struck  my  boyish  fancy.  I 
indoost  a  nigger  boy,  sumwhat  younger  than  my- 
self, to  aid  me,  and  when  we  hed  bagged  the 
game,  I,  feelin  in  my  pride  ez  wun  hevin  the 
proud  Anglo-Sacksun  blood  a  coursin  toomulchusly 
thro  his  vanes,  what  Cheef-Justis  Taney  hez  sence 
made  law,  to-wit:  that  the  nigger  hez  no  rites 
which  the  white  man  is  bound  to  respeck,  whaled 
him  till  he  resined  the  entire  proseeds  uv  the 
spekulashen  to  me.  The  degraded  wretch,  devoid 
uv  every  prinsiple  uv  honor,  blowed  on  me,  and 
we  wuz  both  arrestid. 

The  Justis  uv  the  Pease  wuz  a  Whig  I  and  after 
a  hurried  eggsaminashen,  he  sentenst  me  !  wun  uv 
his  own  race !  uv  his  own  blood !  uv  his  own  pa- 
rentige!  to  impriznment  for  thiety  days!  on  bred 
and  water,  and  the  nigger  to  only  ten,  on  the 
ground  that  I  wuz  the  cheef  oifender ! 

My  mother  beggd  and  prayd,  with  teers  a 
stremin  down  her  venrable  cheeks  faster  than  she 
cood  wipe  em  up  with  her  gingum  apern,  that  the 
arrangement  mite  be  reverst — the  nigger  the  30 
and  I  the  10 — ^but  no !  Cold  ez  a  stun,  inflexible 
ez  iron,  bludlis  ez  a  turnip,  I  wuz  inkarseratid, 
and  stayed  my  time. 


HOW   HE   CAME   TO   BE   A   DEMOCRAT,  27 

Sullenly  I  emerged  from  tliem  walls,  on  the 
evenin  uv  the  30th  day,  a  changed  indivijoel. 
Liftin  my  hands  2  heven,  I  vowd  3  vows,  to- 
wit: 

1.  That  I  wood  devote  my  life  to  the  work  uv 
redoosin  the  Afrikin  2  his  normal  speer. 

2.  That  I  wood  adopt  a  perfeshn  in2  wich  I 
cood  steel  without  bein  hauled  up  fer  it. 

3.  That  the  water  I  hed  consoomed  while  in 
doorance  vile,  wuz  the  last  that  wood  ever  find  its 
way,  undilootid,  in2  my  stumick. 

Hentz,  I  jined  the  Dimocrisy,  and  whoever 
eggsamines  my  record,  will  find  that 

I   HEV   KEP   MY   OATHS  ! 


28  PETROLEUM    V.    Is'ASBY. 


II. 

WINGERT'S    CORNERS   SECEDES. 

Wingert's  Corners,  March  the  21s;,  1861, 

South  Carliny  and  sevral  other  uv  the  trooly 
Dimecratic  States  hev  secesht — gone  orf,  I  may 
say,  onto  a  journey  after  ther  rites, 

Wingert's  Corners,  ez  trooly  Dimecratic  ez  any 
uv  em,  hez  follered  soot. 

A  meetin  wuz  held  last  nite,  uv  wich  I  wuz 
chairman,  to  take  the  matter  uv  our  grievances 
in2  consideration,  and  it  wuz  finally  resolved  that 
nothin  short  uv  seceshn  wood  remedy  our  woes. 
Therefore  the  follerin  address,  wich  I  rit,  wuz 
adoptid  and  ordered  to  be  publisht : 

TO   THE   world! 

In  takin  a  step  wich  may,  possibly,  involve  the 
state  uv  wich  we  hev  bin  heretofore  a  j)art  into 
blood  and  convulsliuns,  a  decent  respeck  for  the 
good  opinion  uv  the  world  requires  us  to  give  our 
reasons  for  takin  that  step. 

Wingert's  Corners  hez  too  long  submitted  to 
the  imperious  dictates  uv  a  tyranikle  goverment. 
Our  whole  histry  hez  bin  wun  uv  aggreshn  on  the 


wixgert's  corxers  secedes.  29 

part  uv  the  State,  and  iiv  meek  and  j^ashent  cn- 
doorence  on  ours. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  State  Capitol  at  the 
Corners,  to  the  great  detriment  uv  our  j^atriotic 
owners  uv  reel  estate. 

It  refoosed  to  gravel  the  streets  uv  the  Cor- 
ners, or  even  re-lay  the  plank-road. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  Penitentiary  at  the 
Corners,  notwithstandin  we  do  more  towards  fillin 
it  than  any  town  in  the  State. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  State  Fair  at  the  Cor- 
ners, blastin  the  hopes  uv  our  patriotic  groserys. 

It  located  the  canal  100  miles  from  the  Corners. 

We  hev  never  hed  a  Guvner,  notwithstandin 
the  President  uv  this  meetin  hez  lived  here  for 
yeers,  a  waitin  to  be  urgd  to  accept  it. 

It  hez  compelled  us,  yeer  after  yeer,  to  pay  our 
share  uv  the  taxes. 

It  hez  never  appinted  any  citizen  uv  the  place 
to  any  offis  wher  theft  wuz  possible,  thus  wilfully 
keepin  capital  away  from  us. 

It  refoosed  to  either  pay  our  rale-rode  subscrip- 
shun  or  slackwater  our  river. 

Therefore,  not  bein  in  humor  to  longer  endoor 
sicli  outrajes,  we  declare  ourselves  Free  and  Inde- 
pendent uv  the  State,  and  will  maintain  our  posi- 
tion with  arms,  if  need  be. 


30  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

There  wuz  a  lively  time  next  day.  A  com- 
pany uv  minit  men  wuz  raised,  and  wun  uv  2 
minit  men.  The  seceshn  flag,  muskrat  rampant, 
weasel  couchant,  on  a  field  d'egg-shell,  waves 
from  both  groserys.  Our  merchant  feels  hopeful. 
Cut  orf  from  the  State,  direct  trade  with  the  Black 
Swamp  follers;  releest  from  his  indebtedness  to 
Cinsinati,  he  will  agin  lift  his  head.  Our  repre- 
sentative hez  agreed  to  resine — when  his  term  ex- 
pires. 

We  are  in  earnest.  Armed  with  justice  and 
shot-guns,  we  bid  the  tyrants  defiance. 

P.  S. — The  feelin  is  intense — the  childern  hev 
imbibed  it.  A  lad  jest  past,  displayin  the  se- 
ceshn flag.  It  waved  from  behind.  Disdainin 
concealment,  the  noble,  lion-hearted  boy  wore  a 
roundabout.     We  are  firm. 

N.  B. — We  are  still  firm. 

N.  B.,  2d. — We  are  firm,  unyeeldin,  calm,  and 
resoloot. 

Till  death, 

Petroleum  V.  Nasbt. 


NEGRO    EMIGKATIOX.  31 

in. 

NEGRO  EMIGRATION. 

Wingert's  Corners,  April  the  2d,  1862. 

There  is  now  15  niggers,  men,  wimin,  and 
childern,  or  rather,  mail,  femail,  and  yung,  in 
Wingert's  Corners,  and  yisterday  another  arrove. 
I  am  bekomin  alarmed,  for,  ef  they  inkreese  at 
this  rate,  in  suthin  over  sixty  years  they  '11  hev  a 
majority  in  the  town,  and  may,  ef  they  git  mean 
enuff,  tyrannize  over  us,  even  ez  we  air  tyrannizin 
over  them.  The  danger  is  imminent!  Alreddy 
our  poor  white  inhabitants  is  out  uv  employment 
to  make  room  for  that  nigger;  even  now  our 
shops  and  factories  is  full  uv  that  nigger,  to  the 
grate  detriment  uv  a  white  inhabitant  who  hez  a 
family  2  support,  and  our  poor  hows  and  jail  is 
full  uv  him.  ^ 

I  imploar  the  peeple  to  wake  up.  Let  us  hold 
a  mass  meetin  to  take  this  subgik  in2  consider- 
ashen,  and,  that  biznis  may  be  expeditid,  I  per- 
pose  the  adopshen  uv  a  series  uv  preamble  and 
resolooshens,  suthin  like  the  foUerin,  to-wit : 

Wareas,  We  vew  with  alarm  the  ackshun  uv 
the  Presydcnt  uv  the  U.  S.,  in  recommendin  the 
immejit  emansipashun  uv  the  slaves  uv  our  mis- 


82  PETEOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

gidid  Suthern  brcthrin,  and  his  evident  intensliun 
uv  kolonizin  on  em  in  the  North,  and  the  heft  on 
em  in  Wingert's  Corners ;  and 

Wakeas,  In  the  event  uv  this  imigrashun,  our 
fellow-townsman,  Abslum  Kitt,  and  uthers,  whose 
familis  depend  upon  their  labor  for  support,  wood 
be  throde  out  of  employment;  and 

Waeeas,  When  yoo  giv  a  man  a  boss,  yoo  air 
obleeged  to  also  make  him  a  present  uv  a  silver- 
pi  atid  harnis  and  a  $350  buggy,  so  ef  we  let  the 
nio-o-er  live  here,  we  are  in  dootv  bound  to  let  him 
vote,  and  to  marry  him  off-hand;  and 

Ware  AS,  When  this  stait  uv  affares  arrives 
our  kentry  will  be  no  fit  place  for  men  uv  educa- 
shen  and  refinement;  and 

Waeeas,  Eny  man  hevin  the  intellek  uv  a 
brass-mounted  jackass  kin  easily  see  that  the  2 
races  want  never  intendid  to  live  together;  and 

Waeeas,  Bein  in  the  if^gority,  we  kin  do  as 
we  please,  and  ez  the  nigger  aint  no  vote  he  kant 
help  hisself ;  therefore  be  it 

Besolved,  That  the  crude,  undeodorizd  Afrikin 
is  a  disgustin  obgik. 

Besolved,  That  this  Convenshun,  when  it  hez 
its  feet  washed,  smells  sweeter  nor  the  Afri- 
kin in  his  normal  condishun,  and  is  there4  his 
sooperior. 


NEGRO   EMIGRATIOX.  33 

Hesolved,  That  the  niggers  be  druv  out  uv 
Wingert's  Corners,  and  that  sich  property  ez 
they  may  hev  accumulatid  be  confiscatid,  and  the 
proseeds  applide  to  the  follcrin  purposes,  to-wit : 

Payment  uv  the  bills  of  the  last  Dimekratik 
Centre!  Committee. 

Payment  uv  the  disintrostid  patriots  ez  got  up 
this  meetin. 

The  balence  to  remane  in  my  hands. 

Besolved,  That  the  Ablishnists  Avho  oppose  these 
resolushons  all  want  to  marry  a  nigger. 

Resolved,  That  Dr.  Petts,  in  rentin  a  part  uv 
his  bildin  to  niggers,  hez  struck  a  blow  at  the 
very  foundashens  uv  sosiety. 

Fellow  whites,  arowz!  The  enemy  is  onto  us! 
Our  harths  is  in  danger!  When  we  hev  a  nigger 
for  judge — niggers  for  teachers — niggers  in  pul- 
pits— Avhen  niggers  rool  and  controle  society, 
then  will  yoo  remember  this  warn  in! 

Arouse  to  wunst !  Rally  agin  Conway !  Rally 
agin  Sweet!  Rally  agin  Ilegler !  Rally  agin 
Hegler's  family !  Rally  agin  the  porter  at  the 
Reed  House !  Rally  agin  the  cook  at  the  Crook 
House !  Rally  agin  the  nigger  widder  in  Vance's 
Addishun !  Rally  agin  ^[issis  Umstid  !  Rally 
agin  Missis  Umstid's  childern  by  her  first  hus- 
band!    Rally  agin   ]Missis   Umstid's  childern  by 


34  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

her  sekkund  husband !  Rally  agin  all  the  rest  uv 
Missis  Umstid's  childern !  Rally  agin  the  nigger 
that  cum  yisterday !  Rally  agin  the  saddle-culurd 
girl  that  yoost  2  be  hear !  Ameriky  for  white 
men!  Peteoleum  V.  Nasby. 


IV. 

OAD  TO  PEECE. 

FRUM   A   DIMEKRATIC   STANDPINT. 

0  CUM,  0  cum  agin  2  us,  swete  Peece  ! 

Spred  thy  "white  wings  oar  our  distractid  land; 

Thro  rownd  the  jarrin  states  thy  silvery  band. 
And  bid  this  orful,  friteful  struggle  cease. 

Doo  cum !  we  wate  impashently,  fur  lo ! 
So  long  's  the  Suthrin  states  is  in  rebelyun. 
So  long  A.  Linkun,  er  sum  jest  sech  hellyun, 

Will  hold  the  rains,  and  owr  fokes  hev  no  show ! 

Lo !  up  in  Injeany,  poor  Bright  wales ! 

Samcox    hez  but  wun  term — Vallandigham — 
His  chansis  at  this  time  aint  wuth  a ; 

The  Legislatur  tuk  the  wind  out  uv  their  sales. 

Doo  cum !  restore  to  us  the  good  ole  times, 
When  Dimekrats  cood  hold  a  plais  uv  profit, 


OAD   TO   PEECE.  35 

Good  git  a  kontract — make  a  huge  pile  off  it, 
When  no  Republikin  tetched  public  dimes. 

Cum,  and  restoar  2  us  the  good  ole  days, 

When,  jest  by  bendin  to  owr  Suthrin  masters, 
Our  party  dodged  the  horrible  disasters 

Thet  hcv  oartook  us  sence  we  left  them  ways. 

Cum  qwickly — fer  jest  now  we've  scores  and  scores 
Thet  yern  fer  place — the  Republikins  won't  hev  us; 
Nuthin  but  pcece  uv  the  rite  kind  will  save  us 

From  dyin  mizrably  outside  Treasery  dores. 

Peece  is  what  we  want — we  '11  swaller  dirt. 
Jest  ez  J.  Davis  sez — in  qwantitis  2  suit ; 
We  '11  hist  owr  cote-tales — let  'em  apply  the  boot ; 

We  've  alluz  dun  it,  so  a  repeat  won't  hurt. 

Then  cum  agin,  0  peece !  and  cum  in  sech  a  manner, 
Ez  to  confound  owr  foes,  the  nigger-lovers, 
And  into  plasiz  uv  rich  profit  shove  us, 

And  let  us  onct  agin  put  Victry  on  owr  banner. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


36  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

V. 

HAS  AN  INTERVIEW  WITH  VALLANDIGHAM. 

Washintox,  Joon  the  Is/,  1862. 

1  AM  in  Washinton.  I  stand  under  the  shadder 
uv  the  tempel  iiv  Liberty,  and  am  reposin  my 
weery  lims  in  the  kool  shades  uv  Fredom.  But 
I  cant  reelize  that  this  is  the  saim  Washinton 
I  yoost  2  visit.  I  yoost  to  go  frum  Pennsilvany 
to  the  cappytle  wunst  a  year,  to  git  my  stock  uv 
Dimocrisy  recrootid,  and  to  find  out  what  we  wuz 
expectid  to  bleeve  door  in  the  cumin  year,  tlius 
gettin  full  6  munths  ahed  uv  my  nabers.  I  wuz 
wunst  electid  gustis  uv  the  peese  in  Berks  County, 
by  knoin  neerly  a  year  in  advanse  what  we  wuz 
to  vote  for  that  autum.  They  thot  Nasby  wuz  a 
smart  man. 

2  resoom.  This  is  not  the  Washinton  that 
wunst  I  knode.  Our  cappytle  is  now  a  Ablishn 
camp.  The  brite  sun  reflex  glittrin  raze  fi'um 
shinin  baynets — the  ear  is  horrifide  with  the 
rumble  uv  cannon-wheels,  and  the  iren-shod  war- 
steed  clatters  on  the  stony  street.  The  slave- 
pens,  them  proud  moniments  uv  the  sooperiority 
of  the  Anglo-Sacksun  race,  hez  bin  swep  away, 
and  with  them  the  heft  uv  the  Dimocrisy.     0! 


HAS  AN   IXTERYIEW   WITH   VALLAXDIGHAM.    37 

my  country!  Where  is  Tooms,  and  Yancy,  and 
Wigfall  ?  The  lofty  domes  iiv  the  cap[)ytle  dont 
re-ekko  no  more  2  their  sole-inspirin  voices.  Ez  I 
reflek  that  these  pillers  uv  Dimocrisy  aint  here — 
and,  what  is  wiiss,  that  they  dassent  cum  here — 
that  these  place  that  knode  em  wunst  will  kno  em 
no  more  furever — ni}-  manly  buzzum  throbs  with 
sorrer,  and  my  prowd  form  is  bowed  in  anguish. 

0  thou  fell  sperit  uv  Abolishnism,  thow  hast 
much  2  anser  for — mucher  than  thow  canst  an- 
ser.  Wood  that  I  cood  lieeve  thee  owt  uv  these 
sacrid  precinks,  and  with  gentle  stranes  woo  back 
them  ez  we  hev  lost.  iVvant,  thow  grim  and 
nasty  cuss !  my  stumiek  heeves  wheneer  I  think 
uv  thee. 

2  resoom.     I  kum  hear  to  see  Yallandygum. 

1  huntid  him  up,  and  last  nite  we  mingled  our 
goys   and  sorrers  in  a  talk   that  lasted  2  ours 
We   hed  a  bottle  uv   concentratid   contentment, 
and,  after  disposin  uv  a  suf!i,shensy  thereof,  \ii\- 
landygum  commenst : 

"Nasby,"  sez  he,  "we're  in  a  lix." 

"  Vallandygum,"  sez  I,  "to  wich  do  yoo  elude — 
our  distractid  country?" 

♦'Nary,"  sez  he;  "I  wuz  a  speekin  uv  myself 
and  the  rest  uv  us.     Them  's  my  country." 

"Sagashus  man,"  sez  I,  "youm  rite.     Politer- 


38  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

killy  we're  ez  bad  off  ez  our  frcnds  in  Fort 
Warin  is  personally.     We  're  in  a  tite  place." 

"Yes,"  scz  he;  "and  we  must  git  out.  We 
must  carry  the  North  this  autum." 

" Certingly,"  sez  I ;  "but  how?" 

''  I  hev,"  sez  he,  "  the  plan  uv  the  campane 
fixt.  Fustly,  we  must  oppose  the  wholesail  votin 
by  niggers." 

"  But,"  sez  I,  "no  niggers  votes  in  the 
North." 

"  Nasby,"  sez  he,  a  puttin  his  thum  to  his  nose, 
"a  man  uv  straw  is  the  eeziest  knockt  down, 
especially  ef  yoo  hev  set  him  up  yerself  for  the 
purpos  uv  knockin  uv  him  down.  2ndly,  the 
immense  emygrashun  uv  niggers  into  the  North 
must  be  prohibytid." 

"But,"  sez  I,  "no  niggers  air  comin,  or  hev 
any  noshun  uv  comin  in2  the  North." 

"3rcUy,"  sez  he,  "the  alarmin  amalgamashun 
uv  the  races  must  be  prohibytid." 

"But,"  sez  I,  "there's  no  amalgamashun  north 
uv  the  Ohio  River." 

"4thly,"  sez  he,  "the  idee  uv  allowin  the  nig- 
ger to  stand  on  a  equality  with  the  whites  must 
be  squelcht." 

"But,"  says  I,  "nobody  wants  em  to  be  our 
ekals." 


HAS    AN    INTERVIEW   WITH    VALLANDIGHAM.    39 

"Stilly,"  sez  he,  "no  nigger  must  ever  be  al- 
lowd  to  hev  offis  in  the  Xorth." 

"But,"  sez  I,  "nobody  wants  the  nigger  to  hev 
offis." 

"  Never  mind,  Nasby,"  sez  he  ;  "  nigger  is  our 
trump  card — we  must  lead  off  with  it.  Taxes  is 
a  good  dodge,  for  no  man  likes  to  pay  taxes,  and 
we  must  work  em  u^:*  on  that.  After  nigger, 
compromise  is  our  best  holt.  Ef,  by  a  fair, 
ekitable  compromise" — 

"  To-wit,  givin  our  Suthern  brethren  all  they 
want,"  murmured  I — 

"  We  kin  end  this  unnatcral  war,"  continered 
he,  "  wich  hez  tored  up  the  foundashuns  uv  lib- 
erty, and  rent  the  proud  old  Dimekratik  party  in 
twain"— 

"  Into  2  twains,"  sighd  I,  like  a  ekkoin 
zephyr — 

"And  reskoo  the  guverment  frum  the  jobbers 
and  spekulaters  who  now  control  it,  and  put  it 
into  the  hands  uv  pure  men" — 

"Sech  ez  Floyd,  and  Bright,  and  we,"  sejestid 
I,  smilin  sweetly — 

"Then,"  continered  he,  a  wettin  his  lips  at  the 
mouth  uv  the  bottle,  "we  will  not  liov  labored  in 
vain.  To  do  this,  and  bring  Ixick  the  fraternal 
feelins  uv  year,  this  bluddy  war  must  cease.     0, 


40  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Nasby,  the  Dimekratik  staits  is  being  invadia, 
the  homes  uv  our  Suthern  brethren  is  bein  vio- 
latid,  their  niggers  and  household  gods  is  bein 
torn  from  em ;  and  onless  we  kin  stand  between 
em  and  rooin,  will  they,  wen  peese  is  restored, 
take  us  back,  and  give  us  the  politikle  crums 
they  can't  use?     Xary." 

It  wuz  past  3  o'clock  wen  I  partid  from  that 
trooly  grate  man.  He  give  me  a  gineral  outline 
uv  the  plans  uv  the  confedrits,  and  red  me  letters 
he  hed  reseevd  from  Tooms,  Davis,  et  settry. 

Peteoleu3I  V.  Nasby. 


VT. 

PROPOSES   TO    CELEBRATE    THE    FOURTH. 

Washinton,  Joon  the  V2th.  1862. 

I  AM  still  in  Washinton,  and  wont  be  home 
for  some  time,  on  akount  uv  bisnis  pertanin  2  the 
re-organizashun  uv  the  Dimekratik  part}^.  I  will 
give  suffishent  notis  uv  my  cumin,  so  that  my 
frends  may  git  up  a  perceshun  to  escort  me  from 
the  cars  2  my  hotel. 

The  objik  uv  this  letter  is  2  sejest  a  plan  for 
the   appropriate  celebrashun    uv    the    fourth    uv 


PROPOSES  TO  CELEBRATE  THE  FOURTH.         41 

July — the  birthday  of  our  Liberties — the  day  on 
wich  Freedum  wuz  perclamd  too  all  men,  exceptin 
niggers,  and  them  hevin  a  vizable  admixter  uv 
Aferken  blud,  et  settery.  I  want  to  see  a  pure 
Dimekratik  celebrashun  fer  wunst,  and  hold  up 
both  hands  fer  jest  sech  a  wun.  Let  me  sejest 
the  follerin  order  fer  a  perceshun: 

1st.  Marshel  in  uniform  uv  Home  Gard,  deko- 
rated  with  a  winder  sash  over  the  left  shoulder. 

2d.  Banner  with  inskripshun,  "The  Yunyun  ez 
it  wuz — under  Bookanun  !  The  constitooshn  ez  it 
is,  with  sum  variashens." 

3d.  Barril  contanin  nativ  corn  joose,  inskribd, 
"Our  platform." 

4th.  Carrij  contanin  speeker,  reeder,  and  chap- 
lin — wun  of  our  perswashin  kin  be  prokoord. 

5th.  Wagin  with  a  nigger  a  lyin  down,  and  mi 
esteemd  frond  Punt  a  standin  onto  him — a  pare- 
gorical  illustrashun  uv  the  sooperiority  uv  the 
Anglo-Sacksun  over  the  Afrikin  rases. 

6th.  Soljers  uv  the  present  war.  (A  few  may 
be  procoord  frum  the  militar\'  prizen  at  Chicago, 
where  they  are  at  present  unconstitooshnaly  con- 
find,  fer  this  ocashun.) 

7th.    The   cort-house  offishls,  with   banner  and 

inscripshun,   "Our  saleries — we  will  defend  em  2 

the  last." 
3 


42  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

8th.  Cittizens  on  hossbac  with  bottles. 

9th.  Cittizens  in  carrijes  with  bottles. 

10th.  Cittizens  on  foot  with  bottles. 

(Space  on  each  side  reserved  fer  cittizens  a  lyin 
down  with  empty  bottles.) 

11th.  Candidates  fer  offis,  all  walkin  on  ther 
neez. 

Perceshun  form  so  that  the  hed  will  rest  on  the 
distillery,  and  the  tale  on  the  cort-house,  repre- 
sentin  the  beginnin  and  end  uv  our  gellorious 
party. 

On  arrivin  at  the  grove,  the  follerin  exercises 
may  be  had : 

Singin — Nashnel  oad,  "We've  Cuflfee  by  de 
wool." 

Readin  Vallandigum's  address. 

Orashun — "J^Tigger:  his  Past,  Present,  and  Fu- 
tur" — by  myself. 

Singin — Patryotik  song — 

"  Sambo,  ketch  dat  hoe, 

And  resiue  dat  vane  idee; 
We've  got  de  power,  you  kno, 
And  you  never  kin  be  free." 

Benedickshun,  bi  myself. 

In  the  evenin  it  would  be  appropriS  to  hev  fire- 
works, and  perhaps  I  might  be  indoost  to  deliver 


ANNIHILATES    AN   OBERLINITE.  43 

an  oraslmn  on  "Xigger:  his  Past,  Present,  and 
Futur." 

Sech  a  celebrashun  would  elevate  the  sperits  iiv 
the  faithful,  and  help  mateerialy  towards  makin 
a  triumpf  this  ortum. 

Respectfully, 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby. 


VII. 

ANNIHILATES   AN    OBERLINITE. 

Columbus,  0.,  June  the  2\st,  1862. 

I  wuz  onto  my  way  to  Columbus  to  attend  the 
annooal  gatherin  uv  the  fatheful  at  that  city,  a 
dooty  I  hev  religusly  performd  fer  over  30  yeres. 
Ther  wuz  but  wun  seet  vakent  in  the  car,  and 
onto  that  I  sot  down.  Presently  a  gentleman  car- 
ryin  uv  a  carpit-bag  sot  down  beside  me,  and  we 
to  wunst  commenst  conversashen.  After  diseussin 
the  crops,  the  wether,  et  settry,  I  askt  wlicr  he 
resided. 

"In  Oberlin,"  sez  he. 

"Oberlin!"  shreekt  I.  "Oberlin  !  wher  Ablish- 
nism  runs  rampant — wher  a  iiiugor  is  100  per 
cent,  better  ner  a  white  man — wher  a  mulatto  is 


44  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

a  objik  iiv  pitty  on  account  uv  hevin  white  blood. 
Oberlin !  that  stonest  the  Dimekratik  prophets, 
and  woodent  be  gathered  under  Yallandygum's 
wings  as  a  hen-hawk  gathereth  chickens,  at  no 
price!  Oberlin,  that  gives  all  the  profits  uv  her 
college  to  the  support  uv  the  underground  rale- 
rode  " — 

"But,"  sez  he. 

"Oberlin,"  continyood  I,  "that  reskoos  niggers, 
and  sets  at  defians  the  benifisent  laws  fer  takin 
on  em  back  to  their  kind  and  hevenly-minded 
masters !    Oberlin ! " — 

"Myjentle  frend,"  sez  he,  "Oberlin  don't  do 
nuthin  uv  the  kind.  Yoo  've  bin  misinformd. 
Oberlin  respex  the  laws,  and  hez  now  a  body  uv 
her  o-alvcnt  sons  in  the  feeld  a  fiohtin  to  manetane 
the  Constooshn." 

"A  fightin  to  manetane  the  Constooshn,"  re- 
tortid  I.  "My  frend,"  (and  I  spoke  impressivly,) 
"no  Oberlin  man  is  a  doin  any  sich  thing.  Ober- 
lin commenst  this  war.  Oberlin  wuz  the  prime 
cause  uv  all  the  trubble.  What  wuz  the  beginnin 
uv  it?  Our  Suthrin  brethrin  wantid  the  territo- 
ries— Oberlin  objectid.  They  wantid  Kansas  fer 
ther  blessid  instooshn — Oberlin  agin  objecks. 
They  sent  colonies  with  muskits  and  sich,  to  hold 
the  terrytory — Oberlin  sent   2  thowsand  armed 


ANNIHILATES   AN   OBERLINITE.  45 

with  Bibles  and  Sharp's  rifles — two  instooslms 
Dimokrasy  coocl  never  stand  afore — and  druv  em 
out.  They  wantid  Breckinridge  fer  President. 
Oberlin  refused,  and  elektid  Linkin.  Then  they 
seceded;  and  why  is  it  that  they  still  hold  out?" 

He  made  no  anser. 

*'Becoz,"  continyood  I,  transfixin  him  with  my 
penetratin  gaze,  "Oberlin  won't  submit.  We 
might  2-day  hev  ])ees>e  ef  Oberlin  wood  say  to 
Linkin,  '  Resine ! '  and  to  Geff  Davis,  '  Come  up 
higher ! '  When  I  say  Oberlin,  understand  it  ez 
figgerative  fer  the  entire  Ablishn  party,  uv  wich 
Oberlin  is  the  fountin-hed.  There's  wher  the 
trubble  is.  Our  Suthern  brethren  wuz  reason- 
able. So  long  ez  the  Dimokrasy  controld  things, 
and  they  got  all  they  wanted,  they  wur  peeceable. 
Oberlin  ariz — the  Dimokrasy  wuz  beet  down,  and 
they  riz  up  agin  it." 

Jest  eggsactly  80-six  yeres  ago,  akordin  to 
Jayneses  Almanac,  a  work  wich  I  perooz  annually 
with  grate  delite,  the  Amerykin  eagle,  (whose 
portrate  any  wun  who  possessis  a  5-ccnt  peece 
kin  behold,)  wuz  born,  the  Goddis  uv  Liberty  bein 
its  muther,  the  Spirit  uv  Freedom  its  sire,  Tomas 
Gefferson  actin  ez  physician  on  the  occasion.  The 
proud  bird  growd  ez  tho  it  slept  on  guano — its 
left  wing  dipt  into  the  Pasific,  its  rite  into  the 


46  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Atlantic,  its  bcek  tbrctcned  Kanady,  Avhile  his 
majestik  tale  cast  a  shadder  ore  the  Gulf.  Sich 
wuz  the  eagle  up  to  March,  '61.  What  is  his 
condishn  now?  His  hod  hangs,  his  tale  droops, 
thcr  's  no  strength  in  his  talons.  Wat 's  the  trub- 
ble?  Oberlin.  He  bed  been  fed  on  nigger  fer 
yeres,  and  bed  thrived  on  the  diet.  Oberlin  got 
the  keepin  uv  him — she  withholds  his  nateral 
food;  and  onless  Oberlin  is  whaled  this  fall,  down 
goes  the  eagle.  Peteoleum  V.  JNTasby. 


YIII. 

MAKES  A  CANDIDATE  "UV  HISSELP." 
To     THE     DiMOKRASY    UV    THE    CoUNTY: 1  an- 

ounse  myself  ez  a  kandidate  for  ary  1  uv  the 
offices  to  be  fild  this  ortum,  subgik,  uv  coarse,  to 
the  decishun  uv  the  Convenshun. 

In  makin  this  anounsement,  I  feel  it  due  my 
Dimekratik  brethrin  that  I  stait  the  resens  for 
takin  this  step.     They  run  ez  follows : 

1st.  I  want  an  offis. 

2d.  I  need  a  offis. 

3d.  A  offis  wood  suit  me;  ther4, 


MAKES   A   CANDIDATE   "UV   HISSELF."  47 

4tli.  I  sliood  like  to  hev  a  offis. 

I  maik  no  boasts  uv  what  my  spesliel  clames 
air,  but  I  hev  dun  the  party  sum  servis.  My  fust 
vote  I  cast  for  that  he  okl  Dimekrat,  Androo 
Jaxn.  For  him  I  voted  twict,  and  I  hev  also  voted 
for  every  Dimekratik  candidate  sence.  I  hev 
fought  and  bled  for  the  coz,  hev  voted  ez  oifen  ez 
3  times  at  1  elekshin,  and  hev  alluz  wore  mournin 
around  my  ize  for  3  weeks  after  eech  eleckshin. 
I  hev  alluz  rallid  2  the  poles  erly  in  the  mornin, 
and  hev  spent  the  entire  day  a  bringin  in  the  ajid 
and  infirm,  and  in  the  patryotik  biznis  uv  knockin 
down  the  opposition  voters.  Xo  man  hez  drunk 
more  whisky  than  I  hev  for  the  party — none  hez 
dun  it  moar  willingly.  Twict,  in  goin  thro  cam- 
panes,  hev  I  brot  myself  2  the  very  verge  uv  de- 
lirium tremins,  a  drinkin  the  terrific  elekshun 
whisky  pervided  by  our  candidates,  but  the  coz 
demandid  the  sacrifis,  and  I  made  it  ez  cherefully 
ez  tho  my  stumic  hed  been  coi^per-lined,  wich,  un- 
fortunitly,  it  is  not.  Ez  for  my  servises  in  this 
line,  let  my  nose,  wich  hez  trooly  blossumd  like 
the  lobster,  speek  for  itself. 

"  Rum  hez  its  triuniplis  cz  the  water  hath, 
And  this  is  avuu  uv  them." 

[  Colashun  from  a  pome.'\ 


48  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

My  politiklc  prinsipples  arc  sound.  I  am  op- 
posd  2  a  nashnel  bank,  and  am  unmitigatedly  in 
favor  iiv  free  trade.  I  approved  uv  the  last  war 
with  Grate  Britten,  and  hev  sence  seen  no  reason 
2  change  my  views  on  that  subgik.  On  the  war 
queshun  my  vows  are  ez  follose :  Bein  a  naytiv  uv 
this  Republic,  and  hevin  livd  under  the  Stars  and 
Strypes,  I  am  in  favor  uv  manetanin  the  Guver- 
ment,  and  puttin  down  the  rebelyun,  and  will  ade 
the  Guverment  in  doin  it,  in  all  constitooshnal 
ways.  But,  after  a  keerful  readin  uv  my  papers,  I 
kin  find  no  constitooshnal  warrant  for  half  what  is 
bein  dun.  I  am  in  favor  uv  a  war  for  the  Union 
ez  it  uzd  to  was,  and  the  Constitooshn  ez  I  'd  like 
to  hev  it ;  but  a  war  uv  subgugashen — never  I 
Hents,  I  am  opposed  to  all  this  military  biznis. 
Ef  a  cittyzen  uv  Virginny  shoots  a  cittyzen  uv 
Ohio,  let  him  be  arrested,  taken  before  the  nearest 
Gustis  uv  the  Peese,  and  bound  over  to  court. 
That 's  the  only  way  2  do  it.  I  regard  confistika- 
shen  as  unconstitooshnel,  and  ez  for  emansipashen, 
words  cant  express  my  disgust  at  the  bare  ijee. 
Wat!  is  armis  2  march  4th,  under  the  good  old 
flag,  for  the  purpus  uv  destroyin  an  institooshn 
guaranteed  by  the  Constitooshn,  and  wich  hez  en- 
abled the  grate  Dimekratik  party  to  controle  the 
destinies  uv  this  republic  for  morn  thirty  yeres? 


MAKES   A   CANDIDATE    "UV   HISSELF."  49 

Ferbicl  it,  hevin !  The  follcrin  rcsoluslicns,  wicli 
I  drawd  up,  show  percisely  wat  I  bleeve : 

HesoJved,  That  we  are  now,  eggsackly  as  we 
alluz  hcv  bin,  the  devoted  friends  uv  the  Union 
ez  it  used  to  be  wen  us  uns,  and  our.brecthrin  uv 
the  Sowth,  run  the  masheen,  and  we'd  be  thun- 
drin  glad  2  see  it  restord  agin. 

Besolved,  That  e^^ry  dictate  uv  patertism  re- 
qwires  that,  in  the  tuff  fight  we  hev  afore  us,  the 
good  old  Dimokrasy  shood  present  a  unbroken 
front;  and  therefore,  ez  differenses  may  arize 
amongst  us,  the  General  Committee  shel,  fruni 
time  to  tune,  inform  the  county  committis  wat 
the  peple  is  expectid  2  beleve,  that  we  may  talk 
alike  in  all  parts  uv  the  country. 

Besolved,  That  the  Abolislm  party,  by  ther  de- 
nunsiashun  uv  President  Davis,  hcv  shown  that 
they  hev  no  regard  for  our  fcelins  or  hizn,  and  hev 
exhibited  a  bitterness  toward  our  misgided  Sutli- 
rin  brethrin,  that  demonstraits  their  onfitness  to 
hold  eny  plais  wer  they  kin  hev  an  opportunity  to 
ingure  them. 

Besolved,  That  the  stait  uv  Massychusits  is 
ornery  and  cussed.  That  the  annymossity  exib- 
ited  by  her  men,  in  the  lait  fitos  afore  Rich- 
mond, towards  our  misgided  Suthrin  brethrin, 
is  wat  mite   be  cxpcktid  frum  a  stait  that  hez 


50  PETROLEUM    V.    XASBY. 

no  Dimckrats,  and  wlicr  eviy  boddy  redes  and 
rites. 

Hesolved,  That,  while  rebels  shood  be  punnisht, 
we  are  opj)osed  to  confisticashun  er  emansipashun 
in  eny  shaip ;  becoz  : 

Istly.  Taint  constooshnal. 

2dly.  They'd  be  made  more  desj^riter,  and  moar 
uv  em  wood  be  killd,  wich  wood  lessen  Dime- 
kratik  magoritis  in  them  staits. 

3dst.  It  wood  hev  a  tendency  2  make  em  mad- 
der nor  they  air. 

On  the  absorbin  question  uv  nigger  I  am  sound. 
I  am  opposed  to  amalgamashun,  and  am  in  favor 
uv  prohibittin  any  wench  frum  marryin  any  wun 
hevin  a  vizable  admixter  uv  white  blud.  I  am  fer- 
ninst  allowin  niggers  to  kum  into  the  J^orth,  and 
am  in  favor  uv  expellin  the  thirty-2  milyuns  now 
hear.  To  force  em  away,  I  wood  maik  it  a  penny- 
tenshiary  offence  2  be  shavd  by  a  nigger,  and  wood 
regulate  the  price  uv  barberin  by  law,  that  white 
men  mite  be  indoost  to  go  into  the  biznis.  Ez  for 
other  pints  uv  nashenel  and  stait  policy,  my  paper 
dident  cum  last  nite,  and  consequently  I  am  some- 
what at  a  loss. 

In  county  matters  I  shel  follow  closely  the  foot- 
steps uv  my  predecessors.  I  shel  be  keerful  uv 
the  funds,  and  shel  apply  jest  ez  much  ez  possible 


MAKES   A   CANDIDATE    "UV   HISSELF."  51 

to  the  grate  work  uv  bildin  up  the  Dimckratik 
party ;  alliiz,  uv  coarse,  reservin  enuif  to  buy  me  a 
niodrit  farm  at  the  close  uv  my  term.  Wun 
thing  I  pledj  myself  2  do  ef  I  am  clektid.  The 
persekooshun  uv  that  eminent  finanseer,  our  de- 
faultin  Trezerer,  shel  be  stopt.  Secli  a  trifle  ez 
|2,800  is  not  enuff  to  disturb  the  peese  uv  the 
county.  We  sliood  compermise  with  him — let 
him  keep  the  munny,  and  let  the  people  keep — 
still.     Then  things  will  go  smooth. 

I  aint  2^ertickeler  ez  to  wat  offis  I  hev.  I  am 
willin  to  serve  ez  Trezerer,  Sheriff,  Commishener, 
er  Coryner — tho  I  cood  do  the  party  more  good  ez 
Trezerer  than  in  any  other  posishen.  Munny 
cozes  the  femail  boss  to  percede. 

In  konklushen,  fellow  Dimekrats,  I  hev  2  say, 
ef  nominated,  all  rite;  ef  not,  I  shel  abide  by  the 
result  ez  cherefull}^  ez  my  temper  will  allow, 
llespectively, 

Petroleum  Y.  Xasby. 


52  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

IX. 

SHOWS  WHY  HE  SHOULD  NOT  BE   DRAFTED. 

August  the  Qth,  1862. 

I  SEE  in  the  papers  last  nite  that  the  Gover- 
ment  hez  institootecl  a  draft,  and  that  in  a  few 
weeks  sum  hunderds  uv  thousands  uv  peeceable 
citizens  will  be  dragged  to  the  tented  feeld.  I 
know  not  wat  uthers  may  do,  but  ez  for  me,  I 
cant  go.  Upon  a  rigid  eggsaminashen  uv  my 
fizzlekle  man,  I  find  it  wood  be  wus  ner  madnis 
for  me  2  undertake  a  campane,  to-wit: 

1.  I  'm  bald-headid,  and  hev  bin  obliged  to 
ware  a  wig  these  22  years. 

2.  I  hev  dandruff  in  wat  scanty  hair  still  hangs 
around  my  venerable  temples. 

3.  I  hev  a  kronic  katarr. 

4.  I  hev  lost,  sence  Stanton's  order  to  draft, 
the  use  uv  wun  eye  entirely,  and  hev  kronic  in- 
flammashen  in  the  other. 

5.  My  teeth  is  all  unsound,  my  palit  aint  egg- 
sactly  rite,  and  I  hev  hed  bronkeetis  31  yeres 
last  Joon.  At  present  I  hev  a  koff,  the  parox- 
isms uv  wich  is  friteful  2  behold. 

6.  I'm  holler  chestid,  am  short-winded,  and 
hev  alluz  hed  panes  in  my  back  and  side. 


SHOWS  WHY  HE  SHOULD  XOT  BE  DRAFTED.     53 

7.  I  am  afflictid  with  kronic  diarrear  and  kos- 
tivniss.  The  money  I  hev  paid  for  Jayneses 
karminnytiv  balsam  and  pills  wood  astonish  al- 
most enny  body. 

8.  I  am  rupcherd  in  9  places,  and  am  entirely 
enveloped  with  trusses. 

9.  I  hev  verrykose  vanes,  hev  a  white-swell  in 
on  wun  leg  and  a  fever  sore  on  the  uther;  also 
wun  leg  is  shorter  than  tother,  though  I  handle 
it  so  expert  that  noboddy  never  noticed  it. 

10.  I  hev  korns  and  bunyons  on  both  feet,  wich 
wood  prevent  me  from  marchin. 

I  dont  suppose  that  my  political  opinions,  wich 
are  ferninst  the  prossekooshn  uv  this  unconstoo- 
slinel  war,  wood  hev  any  wate  with  a  draftin 
ortiscr ;  but  the  above  reesons  why  I  cant  go, 
will,  I  maik  no  doubt,  be  suffishent. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


54  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

X. 

IN  CANADA. 

Brest,  Kaxada  West,  August  the  20th,  1862. 

After  more  advenchers  than  wood  fill  a  book, 
I  am  here  in  Kanada,  safe  under  the  protectin 
tail  uv  the  British  Lion,  where  no  draftin  orfiser 
kin  molest  nor  make  me  afraid.     Halleloogy ! 

I  never  sliood  hev  taken  this  step — or,  ruther, 
the  succeshun  uv  steps  that  brot  me  here — hed 
a  good,  sound,  constooshnel  doctor  bin  appinted 
Medical  Eggsaminer;  fer  I  hev  twict  cz  menny 
diseases  ez  wood  hev  eggsemptid  me,  but  I  wuz 
afeerd  the  Eggsaminer  woodent  see  em,  ez  he 
aint  much  uv  a  physician  anyhow ;  besides,  he 
votes  the  Union  tickit,  and  hez,  uv  coarse,  preju- 
disis.  The  Commissioner  is  a  bluddy  Ablishnist; 
and,  besides,  I  owe  him  a  store  bill  wich  hez 
stood  about  8  years.  I  protest  agin  all  sich  ap- 
pintments. 

I  left,  in  company  with  5  other  invalids,  wun 
nite,  a  little  after  the  "witchin  hour  uv  12  M.," 
ez  Shakspeer  hez  it,  and  any  wun  beholdin  our 
faces  wood  hev  bin  satisfide  that  sum  "  church-yard 
yawned"  jest  previously.  We  traveld  all  nite, 
"  sustaned  and  soothed  by  an  unfaltrin  trust"  in 


IN   CANADA.  OO 

a  bottle  wicli  I,  with  my  usual  4site,  took  along, 
together  with  2  and  1-thircl  yards  uv  bolony 
sassige,  wicli  I  alluz  use  ez  a  thirst-provoker. 
We  met  no  interrupshen  till  we  got  within  5 
miles  uv  Toledo,  (wieh  we  did  by  5  P.  M.  uv 
the  next  day — wich,  permit  me  to  remark,  wus 
good  travelin  fer  sich  debillytatid  cusses,)  when 
we  wuz  stopt  by  a  pickit-gard  uv  the  "Anti- 
draftin  Invalid  League,"  who  remarkt :  "Who 
goes  there?"  "A  invalid,"  sez  I.  "A  Peece 
invalid?"  sez  he.  "Ther  aint  no  other  kind,"  sez 
I ;  whereupon,  sez  he,  "  Yoor  a  man  uv  senee;"  a 
fact  uv  wich  I  hed  been  long  aware.  I  presentid 
my  liqwid  consiliater,  when  he  informd  me  that 
Toledo  wuz  closely  watcht,  that  escape  by  steemer 
was  impossible,  and  that  a  small  bote  was  our 
only  chance.  He  took  us  to  the  lake  shore,  fur- 
nisht  us  a  bote,  and,  jest  as  the  golden  sun  w^uz 
a  sinkin  behind  the  golden  horizon,  I  bid  my 
nativ  land  adoo. 

I  need  not  dwell  upon  the  perils  uv  that  ter- 
rible passage.  Suffice  it  2  say,  that,  fer  invalids, 
we  rowed  well,  and  finally  landed  at  the  little 
village  uv  Brest,  wher  we  now  air. 

200  Peece  men  are  here,  and  I  must  acknowl- 
edge that  we  are  not  treeted  with  that  distin- 
guished consideration    usually  accordid   political 


56  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

eggsiles.  Per  instance,  at  the  tavern  where  I 
board,  the  parler  is  partikclcrly  plesent,  and  I 
wuz  a  scttin  into  it.  In  trips  a  girl,  purty  enuif 
for  a  man  whose  taste  wuz  not  vishiated  2  eat. 
"Shel  I  shet  down  this  window,  sir?"  sez  she. 
"Why  shet  it  down,  gentle  maid?"  retorts  I, 
lookin  sweet  onto  her,  "Because,"  rejolide  she, 
"  I  thot,  perhaps,  the  draft  was  too  much  fer 
ye."  A  few  slavish  Kanajens,  who  set  there, 
laft.  The  landlord  required  a  month's  pay  in 
advance,  and  a  further  deposit  uv  25  cents  per 
eggsile,  as  sekoority  fer  the  j^ewter  spoons  wich 
we  hev  at  table.  To  cap  the  climacks,  last  nite 
a  big  nigger  was  put  into  eech  uv  our  rooms,  and 
we  were  forced  to  sleep  with  em,  or  okkepy  the 
floor,  wich  I  did.  The  cussid  nigger  laft  all  nite, 
in  a  manner  trooly  aggravatin  to  hear. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

P.  S. — Tell  my  wife  to  send  sich  money  as  she 
earns,  to  me,  as  livin  is  high,  and  ther  aint  no 
tick.  The  township  kin  support  her  and  the 
childern. 


IS   FINALLY   DRAFTED.  57 

XL 

IS    FINALLY   DRAFTED. 


Camp  ut  the  TTSxn  Ohio  Kidnapt  Melisot, 
Toledo,   October  the  llth,  1862. 


lOT,  ) 

2.      I 

I  AM  here,  clad  in  the  garb  uv  shiivry !  Nasby, 
clothed  in  a  bobtailed  bloo  coat,  a  woolin  shirt,  and 
bloo  pants,  with  a  Oysteran  muskit  in  his  hands, 
a  goin  thro  the  exercise !  Good  hevings !  wat  a 
spectacle ! 

The  draft  was  over,  and  I  thot  that  wunst  more 
I  'd  visit  my  native  land.  Gaily  I  stept  abord  the 
bote  that  was  to  carry  me  from  British  shores — 
gaily  I  say,  fer  my  money  hed  given  out  some 
weeks  afore,  and  I  hed  earned  a  precarious  sub- 
sistence a  sawin  wood  in  pardnership  with  a  dis- 
gustin  mulatto,  and  I  lookt  forward  with  joyful 
antisepashens  to  the  time  when  I  shood  agcn  em- 
brace Looizer  Jane,  (the  pardner  of  my  buzzum,) 
and  keep  my  skin  perpetooally  full  uv  the  elickser 
uv  life,  out  uv  her  washin  money.  Joyfully  I 
sprang  oif  the  bote  onto  the  wharf  at  Toledo, 
when  a  hevy  hand  was  laid  onto  my  shoulder. 
Twas  a  soljcr!     The  follorin  conversashcn  ensood: 

"Wat  wantest  thow,  my  gentle  friend?" 

"  I  want  yoo,  my  gay  Kanajen." 
4 


58  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

"On  wat  grounds?"  rctortid  I. 

"  On  the  ground  uv  eloodin  uv  the  draft," 
sez  he. 

"Yoor  mistaken,"  sez  I;  "I'm  a  Ablishnist — • 
a  emissary.  I  hev  bin  a  spredin  the  bred  uv 
life  among  the  poor  kulerd  brethrin  in  Kanady, 
and  am  jest  returnin  to  run  thro  another  lot. 
Let  me  pass,  I  entreat  thee,  nor  stay  me  in  my 
good  work."     (This  wuz  strategy.) 

" Not  much,"  sez  he.  "I  know  better.  Yoor  a 
butternut." 

"How  knowst  thou?"  sez  I. 

"Yoor  nose,"  sez  he.  " That  bucheus  beekun  lite 
wuz  never  got  out  uv  spring  water." 

"Yoor  knowledge  uv  men  and  things  is  too 
much  fer  me.  I  confess,  and  surrender  at  discre- 
shun — do  with  me  ez  thou  wilt." 

And  he  did.  I  wuz  led  out  to  camp,  and  wuz 
allowd  to  volunteer  to  fite  against  my  convick- 
shens — against  my  brethren,  who  hev  taken  up 
arms  in  a  rightous  coz.  So  be  it.  Hentz4th  the 
naim  uv  Nasby  will  shine  in  the  list  uv  marters. 

Amid  the  dark,  deep  gloom  that  envellups  me, 
wun  ray  uv  light  strikes  me.  I  have  seen  the 
eleckshun  returns,  and  w^en  I  seed  em  I  yelled 
Hallelogy !  Me  and  another  victim  uv  Linkin's 
tyranny,  who  is  a  Dimekrat,  (he  wuz  a  postmaster 


IS   FINALLY   DRAFTED.  69 

under  Bookannon,  and  wen  removed  by  Linkin 
dident  give  up  the  balance  uv  money  he  had  on 
hand,  fearin  twood  be  used  to  subvert  our  free 
instooshns,)  hed  a  jubilee.  We  smuggled  a  bot- 
tle uv  condenst  ekstasy,  and  celebratid  muchly. 

"The  North's  redeemed!"  showtid  I. 

"Let  the  eagle  screme!"  yelled  he. 

"The  Quakers  hev  votid!"  showtid  I. 

"Ablishnism  dead!"  screemed  he. 

"Dimokrasy's  triumphed!"  laft  I;  and  so  on, 
until  after  midnite,  when,  completely  eggsaustid, 
we  sank  into  slumber,  with  a  empty  bottle 
atween  us.  Peteoleum  V.  Nasby. 

P.  S. — Tell  Looizer  Jane  that  I  may  never  see 
her  again — that  shood  it  be  my  fate  2  perish  on 
the  battle-feeld,  amid  the  rore  uv  battle  and  the 
horrors  uv  missellaneous  carnage,  my  last  thot,  ez 
life  ebbs  slowly  away,  shall  be  uv  her;  and  ask  her 
if  she  can't  send  me  half  or  three-quarters  uv  the 
money  she  gits  fer  washin,  ez  whisky  costs  frite- 
fully  here.  P.  V.  N. 


60  PETEOLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

XII. 

DESERTS — HIS   EXPERIENCE   IN   CLOTHES. 

Camp  vy  the  Looisiana  Pelicans,  Nov.  the  1st,  1862. 

I  HEV  deserted,  and  am  now  a  soljer  uv  the 
Confederacy.  Jest  ez  soon  ez  our  regiment  struck 
Suthrin  sile,  I  made  up  my  mind  that  my  bond- 
age wuz  drawin  to  a  close — that  I  wood  seeze  the 
fust  oppertoonity  uv  escapin  to  my  nateral  frends, 
the  soljers  uv  the  sunny  South.  Nite  before  last 
I  run  the  gard,  wuz  shot  at  twice,  (reseevin  two 
buck-shot  jest  below  the  hind  buttons  uv  my  coat,) 
but  by  eggstrordinary  luck  I  escaped.  Had  in- 
fantry bin  sent  after  me  I  shood  hev  bin  taken, 
for  I  am  not  a  fast  runner;  but  the  commandent 
uv  the  post  wuz  new  at  the  biznis,  and  innosently 
sent  cavalry.  Between  the  hossis  they  rode,  and 
the  stoppin  to  pick  up  them  ez  coodent  stick  onto 
ther  fiyin  steeds,  I  hed  no  difiiculty  in  outrun- 
nin  em. 

At  last  I  encounterd  the  pickits  uv  the  Loois- 
iana  Pelicans,  and  givin  myself  up  ez  a  deserter 
from  the  hordes  uv  the  tyrant  Linkin,  wuz  to 
wunst  taken  afore  the  kernel.  I  must  say,  in  this 
conneckshun,  that  I  wuz  surprised  at  the  style  uv 
uniform  worn  by  the  Pelicans.     It  consists  uv  a 


DESERTS — HIS  EXPERIENCE  IN  CLOTHES.        61 

hole  in  the  sect  iiv  the  pants,  with  the  tale  uv  the 
shirt  a  wavin  gracefully  therefrom.  The  follerin 
colloquy  ensood: 

"To  what  regiment  did  yoo  belong?" 

"776th  Ohio." 

"Volunteer  or  draftid?" 

"Draftid." 

"Yoor  name?" 

"Nasby,  Petroleum  Y." 

I  notist  all  this  time  the  kernel  wuz  eyein  my 
clothes  wistfully.  I  had  jest  drawd  em,  and  they 
wuz  bran-new.     Sez  the  kernel : 

"Mr.  Nasby,  I  reseeve  you  gladly  ez  a  recroot 
in  the  Grand  Army  uv  Freedom.  Ez  yoo  divest 
yoorself  uv  the  clothes  uv  the  tyrant,  divest  yer- 
self  uv  watever  lingrin  affecshuns  yoo  may  hev  fer 
the  land  uv  yer  nativity,  and  ez  yoo  array  yer- 
self  in  the  garb  uv  a  Suthrin  soljer,  try  to  fill  yer 
sole  with  that  Suthrin  feelin  that  anymates  us 
all.  Jones,"  sed  he,  addressin  his  orderly,  "is 
Thompson  dead  yit?" 

"  Not  quite,"  sez  the  orderly. 

"Never  mind,"  sez  the  kernel,  "he  cant  git  well 
uv  that  fever;  strip  off  his  uniform  and  give  it  to 
Nasby,  and  berry  him." 

I  judgd,  frum  the  style  uv  the  uniforms  I  saw 
on  the  men  around  me,  that  I  wood  rather  keep 


62  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

my  own,  but  I  sed  nothin.  When  the  orderly  re- 
turned with  the  deceest  Thompson's  uniform,  I 
groaned  innardly.  There  wuz  a  pair  uv  pants 
with  the  seat  entirely  torn  away,  and  wun  leg 
gone  below  the  knee,  a  shoe  with  the  sole  off,  and 
the  straw  he  had  wrapped  around  the  other  foot, 
and  a  gray  woolen  shirt.     Sez  the  kernel : 

"Don't  be  afeerd  uv  me,  IN'asby.  Put  on  yer 
uniform  rite  here." 

Reluctantly,  I  pulled  off  my  new  dubble-soled 
boots,  and  I  wuz  petrified  to  see  the  kernel  kick 
off  the  slippers  he  wore,  and  joull  em  on.  I  pulld 
off  my  pants — ^he  put  em  on,  and  so  on  with  every 
article  uv  dress  I  possest,  even  to  my  warm  over- 
kote  and  blankit.     Sez  the  kernel: 

"These  articles,  Nasby,  belongs  to  the  Guv- 
ment,  to  which  I  shel  akount  fer  them.  Report 
yoorself  to  wunst  to  Captin  Smith." 

Ez  I  passed  out,  the  lootenant-kernel,  majer, 
and  ajitent  pulled  me  to  wun  side,  and  askt  me 
"ef  I  coodent  git  three  more  to  desert."  Wun 
glance  at  their  habillyments  showd  why  they  wuz 
so  anxious  fer  deserters. 

I  candidly  confess  that  Linkin  takes  better  care 
uv  his  soljers  than  Davis  does.  The  clothin  I  hev 
described.  Instid  uv  reglar  rashens,  w^e  are  al- 
lowed to  eat  jest  whatever  we  can  steal  uv  the 


CAPTURES   A   TURKEY.  65 

planters,  and,  ez  mite  be  expectid,  we  hev  bccum 
wonderfully  expert  at  pervidin ;  but,  ez  the  Peli- 
cans hev  bin  campt  here  three  months,  the  livin 
is  gittin  thin.     Yet  a  man  kin  endoor  almost  any 

thing  fer  principle. 

Petroleum  Y.  Xasby. 


XIII. 

CAPTURES  A  TURKEY. 


Camp  uv  the  Looisiana  PELrcANS,  "I 
November  the  15th,  18G2.      i 

Nasby  still  lives,  tlio  I  must  say  its  rayther 
tite  nippin.  The  scrvis  uv  the  Suthrin  Con- 
fedracy  wood  be  ez  pleasant  ez  any  military  life 
cood  be,  were  it  not  for  three  things,  to-wit : 

1.  We  hev  nothin  to  eat. 

2.  Our  clothes  is  designed  more  for  ornament 
than  use,  consistin  cheelly  uv  holes  with  rags 
around  em — an  appropriate  summer  costoom,  but 
rayther  airy  for  this  season. 

3.  Our  pay  is  irrcglar,  and  not  jest  ez  good 
in  quality  ez  cood  be  wished. 

Fer  instance.  Our  regiment  hazzent  rcseevd 
a  cent  fer  8  months,  and  ther  wuz  much  grum- 
blin,  wich  cum  to  the  ears  uv  the  kernel. 


66 


PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


"  The  men  murmur,  do  they  ? "  sed  he  to  his 
ajitent.  "  Their  complaints  is  just,  and  they 
shel  be  paid  their  just  dooze.  Is  ther  a  printin 
offis  in  the  town?" 

"  Ther  is,"  retorts  the  ajitent. 

"  Go  take  possession  uv  it  in  the  name  uv  the 
Confedrit  States,  and  seeze  whatever  paper  he 
may  hev  on  hand.  The  faithful  Pelicans  must 
be  paid." 

The  next  day  every  wun  uv  the  men  hed  his 
haversack  stuift  with  money,  each  wun  takin  ez 
much  ez  he  judgd  he  cood  use.  It  does  very 
well,  except  that  it  gives  the  grocery-keepers 
much  trouble,  as  they  take  it  by  weight — a  ^1 
bein  wuth  ez  much  ez  a  $20,  ceptin  that  the 
^20  is  a  trifle  the  largest,  and  weighs  more. 

A  incident.  I  wuz  out  on  pikkit  dooty,  in 
the  immejit  visinnity  uv  a  planter's  barn,  who 
hed  bin  suspectid  uv  Unionism.  I  saw  a  tur- 
key, capchered  it,  and  indulged  all  the  way  into 
camp  into  the  pleasant  idee  that,  fer  the  fust 
time  in  2  months,  I  wood  hev  a  stumic-distendin 
dinner.  Ez  I  entered  camp  I  met  the  kernel, 
who,  ez  his  eagle  eye  caught  the  proud  bird  I 
held,  spoke,  sayin : 

"Ha!   a  turkey!     Wher  gottist  thow  him?" 

"I  capcherd  him  at  Johnson's,"  reiDlied  I. 


CAPTURES   A   TURKEY.  67 

"Fat  and  young,"  mused  he,  feelin  uv  him; 
and  then,  lookin  up,  thus  he  did  say :  "  My  ven- 
erable patriot,  (he  allooded  to  my  gray  hairs,) 
this  bird  belonged  to  a  Union  man,  and  all  sieh 
property  taken  by  the  army  belongs,  uv  coarse, 
2  the  goverment.  Yoo  will  4thwith  take  it  to 
my  quarters." 

Not  hevin  eaten  any  thing  for  18  hours,  I 
determined  to  make  wun  effort  for  my  turkey. 
Sez  I:  "Admittin  the  bird  belongs  to  the  gov- 
erment," sez  I,  "  I  may  retane  him,  I  suppose^ 
by  payin  his  valyoo,"  and  I  tendered  him  a 
handful  uv  the  money  we  hod  reseevd  that 
mornin. 

"Not  so  fast,  my  aged  hero,"  sed  he.  "The 
goverment  needs  turkeys  more  than  it  does 
money.  Money  we  kin  make,  but  yoo  must  be 
aware  that,  without  a  material  alterashen  in 
our  anatomikle  structure,  the  makin  uv  a  tur- 
key by  us  is  a  impossibility.  Leave  the  prop- 
erty at  my  quarters."         ***** 

That  nitc  I  passed  the  kernel's  quarters. 
Ther  wuz  a  sound  uv  revelry  within,  and  the 
odor  uv  a  Thanksgivin  dinner  assaild  my  nos- 
trils. The  next  mornin  I  saw  the  kernel's  dorg 
a  cliawin  the  bones  uv  that  goverment  turkey. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasry. 


QS  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XIV. 


IMPROVES  HIS  FORTUNES  BY  MARRIAGE. 


Camp  vv  the  Looisiana  Pel: 
November  the  llth. 


Pelicans,  ) 
k,  1862.      I 

I  am  here,  and  mizrable! 

I  am  not  less  than  213  per  cent,  more  mizrable 
nor  I  used  to  be! 

I  consoomd  2  hours  uv  the  Sutherin  Confed- 
racy's  time,  and  a  12-foot  board,  assertainin  the 
eggsact  increese  uv  misery  wich  I  am  engoyin, 
with  the  above  result. 

Wen  I  wuz  draftid  I  wuz  not  particularly 
dissatisfied.  My  posishen  wuz  becomin  preca- 
rious. Looizer  Jane  (the  wife  uv  my  buzum) 
had  cut  off  my  supplies,  and  wuz  a  wasting 
the  money  she  reseevd  fer  washin  on  bread 
and  clothes  fer  the  childern,  and  misunderstand- 
ins  and  coolnisses  ensood.  I  whaled  her  in  the 
afternoon,  when  she  wuz  tired,  and  she  whaled 
me  in  the  ^mornin,  when  she  wuz  fresh.  Had 
I  expendid  the  energy  and  strength  consoomd 
in  whalin  Looizer  Jane  in  choppin  cord-word, 
I  mite  hev  ownd  a  farm.  I  then  tried  the  credit 
system,  but  the  unanimity  with  wich  the  bar- 
keepers all  remarkt  that  "  that  thing  wuz  played 
out,"  wuz  trooly  surprisin  to  the  undersined. 


IMPEOVES  HIS  FORTUNES  BY  MARRIAGE.   69 

Knowin  that  I  cood  at  eny  time  desert  to  my 
Sutliern  frends,  I  felt  satisfied  at  bein  draftid. 
Sence  my  enrollment  in  the  ranks  uv  the  Peli- 
cans, the  romance  uv  the  thing  hez  de2:>artid. 
IN'othin  2  eat,  nothin  to  wear,  no  money,  and 
hard  work.  This  is  our  fix.  The  plump,  rosy 
JS'asby  is  no  more — anserin  2  his  name  is  a  lean 
indiviggooal,  upon  whose  nose  a  bullet  cood  be 
split. 

I  determined  to  better  myself  by  marriage. 
The  idee  wuz  sejestid  by  our  second  corpral, 
who  interdoost  me  2  a  widder  lady  who  lived 
jest  out  uv  town — the  owner  uv  2  thousand 
akers.  The  akers  inspired  me,  and  I  2:)rest  my 
soot  with  vigger  and  arder.  In  a  week  the 
thing  wuz  dun.  I  caught  the  regimental  chap- 
lin  sober  enuff  wun  nite,  and  we  wuz  married. 

Fer  a  day  I  wuz  a  happy  man.  I  contem- 
platid  MY  plantashen,  and  wept  teers  uv  goy. 
Suddenly  my  happiness  bustid.  The  sargent 
informed  me  that  my  wife — the  future  sharer 
uv  my  goys  and  sorrers — wuz  a  octoroon,  one- 
8tli  NIGGER ! — that  she  wuz  a  slave  left  in  charge 
by  her  mistress,  and  that  the  corpral  did  it  jest 
fer  a  goak  !  A  purty  goak  to  play  upon  a  Dime- 
krat !     Nasby  marryin  a  nigger ! 

My  views  hev  changed   on   the  slavery  ques- 


70  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

tion.  Amalgamashen  is  the  cuss  uv  slavery. 
The  blacks  hev  bleached  and  bleached,  until  it 
is  almost  impossible  to  distinguish  the  slave  from 
his  owner.  Wen  the  mix  becomes  wuss,  wat 
then?  Wen  the  slave  is  ez  white  ez  his  mas- 
ter, wat  are  yoo  goin  to  do?  Slavery,  like  a 
man  with  a  tape-worm,  hez  within  itself  the  ele- 
ments necessary  to  its  destruction.  Amalgama- 
shen is  the  tape-worm  uv  slavery. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


XV. 

CONVERSES  WITH  A  SOUTHERN  SOLDIER. 


Camp  uv  the  Looisiana  Pelicans, 
December  the  Wth,  186li 


:;ans,  "I 
Vl.      ] 

I  HED  a  conversashen  tother  day  with  a  fellow- 
defender  uv  the  rites  uv  the  South,  wich  ruther 
startled  me.  I  wuz  a  holdin  4th,  with  my  yoosual 
ability,  on  the  blessidnis  uv  slavery,  and  wuz,  uv 
coarse,  quotin  hevy  frum  skripter  to  defend  my 
position.  A  member  uv  our  company  interruptid 
me  by  remarkin  that  nacher  hed  spiled  a  great 
rascal  in  me  by  not  contribbitin  a  suffishent 
amount  uv  brains.     He  continued  his  remarks  : 

"Nasby,"  says  he,  "I  know  slavry  is  a  cuss — 


CONVERSES   WITH   A    SOUTHERX   SOLDIER.       71 

a  onmittygatid  cuss.  I  lied  18  niggers,  and  they 
kept  me  as  poor  as  a  skim-milk  cheese.  The  hogs 
eat  the  corn,  the  niggers  eat  the  hogs,  and  I  lived 
on  what  they  left.  To  defend  my  property  in 
these  niggers,  we  seceshed  and  startid  a  new  guv- 
ment.  The  new  guvment  took  the  corn,  the  hogs, 
the  niggers,  and  finally  took  me.  My  oldest  daw- 
ter  run  off  with  wun  defender  uv  the  flag,  my  wife 
with  another,  and  my  youngest  childern  is  livin 
with  sum  ni<i"c,*ers  2  old  fer  the  f>:uverment  to  take. 
I  've  had  my  share  uv  rites,  I  hev.  Ef  there  's 
any  more  comin  to  me,  give  em  to  some  poor  per- 
son as  needs  em.  I  'm  jest  more  'n  rollin  in  a 
perfooslm  uv  that  kind  uv  wealth." 

"But,"  sez  I 

"  Ther  aint  no  huts,"  sez  he.  "  Yoo  're  a  North- 
ern man,  and  don't  hev  niggers.  Don't  defend 
nigger.  Ef  I  hev  the  itch,  I  may  sware  that  itch 
is  a  good  thing ;  but  wat  sense  is  ther  in  yoor 
swarin  it,  onasked  and  fer  nothin.  Sech  stratejy 
borders  closely  on  lunacy.  Let  us  squeeze  our 
own  biles — don't  yoo  do  it  gratooitous.  Appoly- 
gize  fer  your  own  sins — do  n't  shoulder  ourn.  1 
may  be  mean  for  my  own  profit,  but  to  act  dirty 
fer  another  man's  use,  and  hev  him  kick  ye  for 
doin  it,  is  a  lick  ahead  uv  my  comprehenshun. 
Durn  all  sech  men." 


72  PETROLEUM    V.   NASBY. 

And  he  stawkt  indignantly  away. 

I  hev  reseevd  more  letters  from  frends  in  my 
vvunst  liappy  but  now  distractid  home  than  I  kin 
anser  separately.     I  shel  do  it  all  to  wunst,  thus : 

John  M. — Shoemakin  wood  be  a  splendid  biz- 
nis  here,  only  ther  aint  no  leather.  Practice  haif- 
solin  with  straw  before  yoo  start. 

W.  Gr. — The  pay  uv  a  member  uv  the  Missis- 
sippi Legislator  is  $6  per  diem,  evry  day,  paid  in 
Confedrit  30  per  cent,  bonds,  redeemable  at  the 
pleasure  uv  the  guverment  any  time  within  two 
centuries.  Come  along.  Almost  any  body  kin  git 
offis  in  this  state. 

P.  N. — Ther  is  a  good  openin  fer  a  watchmaker 
here.  I  am  the  only  mechanic  in  this  section  uv 
Mississippy.  I  fixt  the  kernel's  watch  yisterday; 
forged  a  mane-spring  out  uv  a  baynet,  and  for  a 
chane  used  a  fiddle-string.  It  don't  jest  keep 
time,  but,  ez  it  ticks,  it  ansers  to  bet  on  poker. 
Fetch  sum  lard  ile ;  tar  won't  work  on  watches, 
even  in  this  warm  climate. 

Amos. — The  success  uv  our  guverment  is  shoor. 
Finances  hez  trubbled  us,  but  our  Sekretary  uv 
the  Treasury  hez  bought  2  fast  printin-presses, 
and  a  lot  uv  paper  on  tick,  and  we  now  git  all  we 
want.  Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


AT    HOME.  73 


XVI. 
AT  HOME. 
"Wingert's  Corners,  February  (he  21(h,  1863. 

A  MAN  who  duz  things  frum  principple  kin 
stand  a  good  deal.  I  kin.  Sustaned  and  soothed 
by  an  iinfaltrin  trust  in  the  rychusnis  uv  the 
Suthrin  coz,  I  stuck  to  my  beluvd  rejyment,  tlie 
Loozeaner  Pelikins,  with  a  tenassity  wich  I  did 
not  drcme  I  possest.  But  ther  is  a  pint  beyond 
wich  human  nacher  can  not  go,  I  endoord  hun- 
ger and  cold — I  saw  the  rags  drop  off  my  mus- 
kclcr  limbs,  wun  by  wun — I  murmered  not.  But, 
wen  the  pantaloons  wuz  awl  gone,  wen  my  costoom 
wuz  a  blanket  and  wun  shoe,  I  applide  fer  new 
pants,  and  the  quarter-master  onfeelinly  remarkt 
that  my  dress  wuz  all  rite — that  hereafter  my  cos- 
toom wuz  to  be  adoptid  ez  the  uniform  uv  the 
rejyment — I  felt  that  desershun  wuz  no  longer  a 
crime,  and  I  deserted.  It  is  entirely  onnessary 
to  rekount  awl  I  endoored  in  makin  my  eskaip. 
Suffice  it  to  say,  that  at  Columbus  I  stript  the 
klose  off  uv  an  innebryatid  solger,  and  maid  my 
way  to  Amandy  Township.      ]\ly  ohl  Dimckratik 

friends  did  not  kno  me,  and  ez  I  expected  to  borry 
«3 


74  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

money  uv  them,  I  deemed  it  best  not  to  make  my- 
self known. 

They  were  suspishus  uv  my  bloo  kote  at  fust, 
until  wun  uv  them  remarkt  how  I  likd  the 
serviss  ? 

To  wich  I  anserd,  "  Dam  the  serviss !  " 

"Don't  admire  fitin  fer  the  nigger,  eh?" 

"Not  any,"  sez  I. 

"Why  not  desert?"  sez  he. 

"I  hev  deserted,"  sez  I. 

In  a  instant  the  aspeck  uv  things  wuz  changd. 
A  jug  wuz  prodoost,  and  they  awd  shook  hands. 
Wun,  more  richer  nor  the  rest,  handed  me  a  treas- 
ury note  uv  $10,  sayin,  "You  may  need  it." 

I  replide  that,  as  a  general  thing,  I  wood  hev 
nothin  to  do  with  any  paper  that  bore  the  bab- 
boon  likeness  uv  the  usurper  and  tyrent  Linkin; 
but,  under  the  sirkumstances,  I  wood  endoor  it 
until  I  cood  get  it  changd  into  Injeany  munny. 
They  took  up  a  kollekshun  to  wunst,  fer  my  ben- 
efit, which  amounted  to  $43. 

Jest  at  this  pint  wun  uv  em  asked  me  to  what 
rejyment  I  belonged.  I  replide,  "The  Loozeaner 
Pelikins." 

"Loozeaner!"  sed  another,  "why,  that's  a  Con- 
fedracy  rejyment,  aint  it?" 

"To  be  sure,"  sez  I. 


AT    HOME.  75 

"And  air  yoo  a  deserter  from  a  Sutlirin  rejy- 
ment?"  sez  the  benevolent  old  butternut  who  hed 
invested  $10  in  the  deserter  biznis. 

"Sartin,"  sez  I. 

Seezin  me  by  the  throte,  he  ejackelated,  "Give 
me  ni}'  money,  you  swindler ! "  And  with  a  unan- 
imity trooly  surprisin,  they  awl  yelled,  "Give  me 
my  money,  you  swindler — you  got  it  under  false 
pretences."  Hevin  the  munny  safe  in  my  i:)okkit, 
I  took  these  compliments  with  ekanimity,  sidlin 
out  and  gettin  away  ez  soon  ez  possible, 

I  am  disappointed  in  Amandy.  Frum  wat  I 
hed  heard,  I  hed  supposed  they  were  kind  to  de- 
serters. I  found  that  it  makes  much  diiferense 
wicli  side  you  desert  from. 

Petroleum  Y.  IS'asby. 


76  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBT. 


XVII. 
ASSISTS    DRAFT    RESISTERS. 

In  the  Hands  uv  Lixkin  Hieelin    ] 
HosKiNviLL,  March  26,  1863.      J 

I  AM  in  durance  vile.  Wimst  more  the  tree  uv 
liberty  is  uprooted  in  my  person ;  wunst  more  hev 
the  unrighteous  tools  uv  the  monster  Linkin  seized 
my  venerable  form  and  incarceratid  it  in  a  bas- 
teel.  So  many  times  hev  I  bin  imi^risoned  fer 
opinion's  sake,  that,  ef  I  kin  get  a  pardner  with 
capital,  I  shel  go  into  the  marterin  biznis.  But  2 
my  narrashen.  When  the  news  reechd  me  uv  the 
bold  stand  made  by  the  heroes  uv  Hoskinvill  in 
opposition  to  the  draft,  I  determined  to  throw  my- 
self "in2  the  deadly  and  imminent  breech,"  ez 
W.  Shakspeer  hez  it.  I  made  my  way  to  Hos- 
kinville,  wuz  reseeved  with  the  wildest  enthoosi- 
asm  by  the  patriots  ther  assembled,  and  wuz  to 
wunst  placed  in  command  uv  the  forces.  It  wuz 
a  prowd  day  fer  Nasby!  Before  me  stood,  leaned, 
and  laid,  (akordin  ez  they  hed  emptied  their  can- 
teens, wich  wuz  all  filled  with  new  fitin  whisky,) 
two  hundred  uv  the  brave  sons  uv  Hoskinvill, 
from  the  rich,  hory-headed  farmer,  (uv  whom   I 


ASSISTS   DRAFT   RESISTERS.  77 

promptly  borrerd  80  odd  dollars,)  to  the  gay  and 
sportive  yooth  uv  16,  all  consoomd  with  oncpiench- 
able  arder.  I  drilled  sech  uv  them  ez  were  suffi- 
shently  sober  to  keep  their  feet,  nigh  onto  two 
days,  amoozin  ourselves,  into  the  intervals,  with 
passin  resolooshens  dcnouncin  Linkin,  and  pledgin 
ourselves  to  resist  even  un2  death. 

At  last  our  scouts  brot  us  intelligence  that  two 
companies  uv  bloo-coated  hirelins  wuz  within  9 
miles  uv  us,  ap2:)roachin  at  the  rate  uv  wun  and  a 
half  miles  per  hour.  "Ila!"  shoutid  I,  "the  foe! 
they  comest!  Now,  men  uv  Hoskinville  and  visin- 
nity,  show  yourselves  men!"  Accordinly  another 
meetin  was  immejitly  organizd,  chairman  and 
sekretary  appointid,  and  a  resolution  passed, 
pledgin  the  meetin  to  resist  even  un2  death,  the 
proseedins  to  be  published  in  all  the  Dimekratik 
papers.  We  adjourned,  and  I  wuz  about  drawin 
on  em  up  in  line  uv  battle,  and  wuz  instructin  uv 
cm  to  hold  the  muzzle  uv  the  gun  from  instid  uv 
toward  theirselves  when  they  tired,  and  wuz  ex- 
plainin  to  others  the  nesessity  uv  puttin  the  \hj\v- 
der  down  the  barrel  before  the  ball,  and  niakin 
sech  other  arrangements  ez  a  wise  and  prudent 
commander,  determined  to  conker  or  die,  woukl, 
when  suthin  like  a  dozen  uv  em  ejakilates : 

"Gineral!" 


78  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

Drawin  myself  up  to  my  full  liite,  I  anserd, 
"Wat!" 

"Gineral,"  sez  wun  uv  the  oldest,  "we  are  not 
advantajesly  postid.  Wood  it  not  be  better  on 
the  hill,"  sed  he,  pintin  to  a  high  eminence  jest 
east  uv  the  town.  I  perseeved  at  a  glance  the 
strategik  importance  uv  the  position,  as  the  enemy 
wuz  approachin  from  the  west,  and  I  ordered  the 
men  to  deploy  by  squadrons,  in  open  right  file 
23latoons,  and  okepy  the  summit.  ^N'ever  wuz  a 
order  obeyed  with  greater  alacrity.  I  hev  a  repu- 
tashen  fer  speed — I  kin  rival  the  courser  and  out- 
strip the  jentle  gazelle,  but  they  shot  past  me  like 
a  arrow.  Their  enthoosiasm  carried  em  to  the 
top  uv  the  hill,  and  how  much  further  I  hev  no 
menes  uv  knowin,  ez  w^hen  I  reached  the  top  uv 
the  hill  not  wun  uv  the  resistors  wuz  in  site. 

I  wuz  arrested  that  nite.     In  vain  I  protested 

that  I  wuz  a  Methodist  preacher  sellin  fruit-trees, 

My  nose,  wich  blossoms  ez  the  lobster,  and  a  copy 

of  the  Xoo  York  Daj^-Book  I  hed  in  my  pocket, 

wuz  aginst  me,  and  I  wuz  to  wunst  confined.     My 

feelins  is  hurt. 

Peteoleum  y.  IS'asby. 


STRATEGISES.  79 


XVIII. 

STRATEGISES. 

Wingert's  Corxers,  May  the  I5th,  1863. 

DiMOKRASY  liczn't  ez  many  hobbies  now  ez  it 
used  to  hev,  and  it  is  somewhat  difficult  to  keep 
the  people  strung  up  the  proper  pitch.  Nigger  is 
all  the  capital  we  hev  left,  and  its  rayther  tough 
work  to  keep  the  old  machine  runnin.  In  Union 
and  Orange  their  blood  dident  bile  when  I  told 
em  that  40,000  niggers  wuz  on  their  way  to  that 
section — nary  bile.  So  I  hed  recourse  to  strategy. 
Last  Friday  nite  I  prokoored  some  lamp-black 
and  lard-ile,  and  applyin  it  to  my  classic  counte- 
nance, and  my  laber-staned  hands,  transformd 
myself  into  a  villainous  contraband.  Then  I  pro- 
ceeded after  night  to  the  south  end  uv  the  town- 
ship, and  at  daylight  commenst  goin  north,  Tlie 
skeem  workt  beautiful.  At  every  house  the  fol- 
lerin  conversashcn  wood  ensoo : 

"Hello,  Cuff,  wher  you  from?" 

"Tennisce,  massa." 

"Wher  you  goin?" 

"I'se  gwine  to  stop  sum'ers  'bout  heah." 

"Who  sent  you  ]S"orth?" 


80  PETROLEUX   V.    XASBY. 

"Kurnel  Niblin,  and  de  Ablisliners  ob  de  21st." 

"Dam  Niblin,  and  yoo  too.     Git!" 

Wich  I  alluz  did.  Then  goin  back  I'd  take 
another  road,  stealin  sich  trifles  ez  shirts  and 
stockins,  and  usin  sich  other  means  uv  arousin 
om'  people  2  a  realizin  sense  uv  the  cuss  uv  a 
fioatin  nigger  popuhxshen  ez  sejested  themselves 
to  my  mind.  It  became  a  serious  thing  though, 
for  on  the  fourth  day  so  many  hed  seen  me,  that 
they  reely  sposd  the  nigger  invashen  had  com- 
menst,  and  they  hunted  me.  I  run  a  mile,  and 
findin  they  were  gainin  on  me,  darted  into  the 
woods,  washed,  and  come  out  ez  the  original 
T^asby. 

Lord!  what  an  enthoosiastic  meetin  we  had 
that  night.  Their  faith  in  the  nigger  invasion 
hed  bin  shaky,  but  it  was  now  firm.  They  had 
seen  em.  Wun  had  seen  38  that  day,  uv  wich 
number  he  wuz  proud  to  say  he  had  killed  5.  I 
larfed  innardly,  but  held  my  peece,  Desepshen 
is  justifiable  now  and  then.  I  kin  do  it.  I  only 
borrered  $4:  in  Union. 

Petroleum  Y.  JS'asbt. 


ADDRESSES   THE    SOLDIERS.  81 


XIX. 

ADDRESSES   THE    SOLDIERS. 

At  a  meetin  uv  the  manejers  uv  the  ginoowine 
Dimokrasy,  consistin  uv  the  illustrious  Yallandi- 
gum  and  myself,  it  was  resolved  to  ishoo  a  ad- 
dress to  the  soljers  uv  the  Cumberland.  Yallan- 
digum,  hevin  failed  in  the  habus  corpus  biznis,  is 
cmployin  his  spare  time  in  amusin  of  hisself  in 
Fort  Warin,  wich  is  near  Boston.  The  dooty, 
tliere4,  devolves  upon  me. 

Soljers:  Ez  individooels  hevin  votes,  I  esteem 
you;  ez  invaders  of  Dimekratik  states,  ez  men  en- 
gaged in  the  slawtrin  uv  Dimekrats  by  the  1000, 
cz  bloo-koted  tools  uv  a  Abolishn  despotism,  I  can 
nut  smile  on  you  approvinly. 

Sum  uv  you  wuz  Dimekrats,  who,  without  con- 
templatin  the  konsekences  to  the  party,  volun- 
teerd.  Fay  tie  error!  incomprehensible  stoopidity! 
And  I  regret  2  lern  that,  notwithstandin  we  hev 
told  you  over  and  over  that  it  is  a  Abolijshn  war, 
you  lafF  at  our  solium  warnins,  and  menny  uv  yuu 
hev  turnd  Abolishnists  yureselves. 

We  warned  yoo  uv  the  evils  that  wood  nater- 
ally  foUer  Abolishn  victoris.    To  show  you  that  we 


82  PETROLEUM    V.    XASBY. 

proifeside  correctly,  I  call  jure  attenshun  to  the 
follerin  strictly  Dimekratik  fact.  Since  the  com- 
menseinent  uv  the  war  the  addishii  uv  niggers  to 
JNTorthern  Ohio  hez  bin  ez  folloze : 

Hankok, 28,000 

Wood, 84,000 

Lorane,  (wich  is  near  Oberlin,)    -         -       103,000 

[All  UV  wich  is  studyin  fer  the  ministry,  drawin 
cavelry  captin's  pay  and  rashens,  till  they  gradooS, 
inclooding  2  white  servants,  each.] 

Sineky, 93,000 

And  so  on,  ad  infinytum.  These  niggers  are 
workin  in  sitooashens  you  wunst  okepied.  The 
tailor  shops,  blacksmith  shops,  shoe  shops,  and 
stores  is  all  filld  with  these  noosencis,  fresh  from 
Suthrin  plantashens.  So  yoo  see  that  while  they 
hev  seezed  upon  yure  labor,  you  air  taxt  by  a 
nigger-luvin  government  to  support  them  in  idle- 
nis.     But  there  is  moar  fax: 

Number  uv  soljer's  ■wives  vho  died  uv  starvashen 
in  Hankok  County  last  week,  -         -         1,253 

Besides  1  small  wooman  they  did  not  count. 
And  all  this  time  (my  blud  biles  wen  I  think  uv 
it)  the  entire  nigger  popelashen  is  bein  fed  on 
briled  sirline  stake  stutft  with  oysters.     238  white 


ADDRESSES  THE   SOLDIERS.  83 

men  licv  marrid  black  femails,  within  2  weeks, 
also  803  white  wimmin  to  _  black  men,  all  in  the 
corporashen  uv  Wingert's  Corners,  the  guverment 
payin  license,  preecher's  fee,  and  the  bridle  outfit, 
incloodin  furnytoor  to  start  em  howskeepin. 

It  is  useless  to  multiply  instances.  You  arc 
ecksposin  yure  lives  and  helth,  just  2  set  free  a 
army  uv  shiftlis  niggers,  who  wont  work,  and  who, 
b}^  takin  yure  plasis  on  the  farms  and  in  the  work- 
shops, will  prevent  you  from  earnin  a  lionist  Yivm 
wen  yoo  git  back. 

Soljers,  remember  these  things  wen  yoo  vote 
this  fall.  Under  Dimekratik  rule,  wen  the  Sowth 
roold  us  percisely  as  they  wantid  2,  awl  wuz  peese. 
We  kin  hev  it  agin  on  the  saim  terms,  with  per- 
haps the  payin  uv  the  expensis  they  have  incurred 
in  manetanin  uv  ther  rites,  payin  penshuns  2  the 
widders  uv  them  yoo  hev  wikkidly  slane,  et  set- 
tery. 

Soljers  !  you  kin  emansipate  yureselves.  Shoot 
yure  orfisers,  throw  down  yure  arms,  and  cniii 
home.  The  old  party  is  in  danger,  and  without 
you  it'll  go  to  rooin  a  canterin.  Shel  any  feelin 
uv  pride  in  yure  country  deter  you  frum  comin 
wen  yure  party  is  in  peril?     I  can  not  believe  it. 

Petroleum  V   ^Niasby. 


84  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

XX. 

ORGANIZES  A  DEMOCRATIC  CHURCH. 

Wixgert's  Corners,  June  the  &th,  1863. 

NuTHix  hez  dun  so  much  agin  the  Dimokrasy 
ez  churches,  skool-houses,  Sundy-skools,  preachers, 
and  sich.  Here,  our  people  hev  awoken  to  the 
dangerous  tendencies  uv  sich  instooshns,  and 
hev  set  about  viggerously  to  suppress  em.  Ez 
this  work  is  wat  my  hart  delites  in,  I  organized 
the  pious  portion  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  that  we 
mite  do  our  Avork  well  and  thorough.  When 
my  jigantic  intellek  hez  a  chance,  the  work  is 
shoor  to  be  well  done,  and  I  hev  the  satisfac- 
tion uv  announcin  the  comj^lete  destruction  uv 
two  churches,  the  drivin  off  uv  5  preachers,  and 
the  frio-htnin  uv  manv  wimin. 

But  my  mission  is  not  alone  to  tear  down — I 
bild  up.  The  ijee  segestid  itself  to  my  fertile 
mind,  that  a  strikly  Dimekratik  Church  and 
Sundy-skool  wood  not  only  help  the  cause,  but 
afford  me  an  easy  livin. 

It  wuz  dun,  and  I  am  reglarly  installed  ez 
the  paster  uv  the  First  Dimekratik  Church  uv 
Ohio. 


OKGAXIZES   A    DEMOCRATIC   CHURCH.  85 

The  follcrin  is  the  order  uv  exercises : 

1.  People  assemble  at  the  second  tootiii  uv  the 
horn. 

2.  Readin  uv  one  uv  the  foUerin  passages  uv 
Skripter:  9th  chapter  uv  Jennysis,  wich  relates 
the  cussin  uv  Canaan,  provin  that  nip-gers  is 
Skriptoorally  slaves ;  and  the  chapters  about  Ilay- 
ger  and  Onesimus,  wich  proves  the  Fugitive-slave 
Law  to  be  skriptooral.  (The  rest  uv  the  Bible 
we  consider  figgerative,  and  pay  no  attenshun  to 
it  watever.) 

3.  Singin — "  0,  we  '11  hang  Abe  Linkin  on  a 
sour  apple-tree,"  or  some  other  improvin  ode, 
hcvin  a  good  moral. 

4.  Readin  extrax  from  the  Noo  York  Argus. 

5.  Singin — "0,  John  Brown's  body  hangs  a 
danglin  in  the  air." 

6.  Reading  from  the  Day-Book. 

7.  Lecture  on  watever  phase  uv  the  nigger 
question  may  seem  appropriate. 

AVe  liev  also  orfj-anized  a  Sundv-skool  on  a 
pure  basis.  I  spent  much  time  in  getliu  up  a 
katekizm,  uv  wich  the  follcrin  is  a  sample : 

Q.  Wat  is  the  cheef  end  uv  man? 

A.  To  whale  niggers  and  vote  the  Dimckratik 
tdvkit  forever. 

Q.  Wat  do  the  Skripters  teach? 


8G  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

A.  That  a  angel  sent  Ilayger  back  to  her  mis- 
tress ;  that  Paul  sent  Onesimus  back ;  and  "  Serv- 
ance  obey  yiire  masters." 

Q.  Who  wuz  Onesimus  and  Hayger  ? 

A.  Onesimus  wuz  a  mulatter,  and  Ilayger  a 
octoroon. 

Q.  Wat  is  sin? 

A.  Skratchin  a  ticket. 

Q.  Who  compose  the  Dimekratik  trinity? 

A.  Yallandigum,  Brite,  and  Fern  andy wood. 

Q.  Wat  is  the  first  duty  uv  man  ? 

A.  To  beware  uv  Ablishn  lies ;  to  rally  to  the 
poles ;  to  vote  early ;  and  to  bring  in  the  agid,  the 
infirm,  and  the  ideotik. 

To  stimoolate  the  infant  mind  I  hev  institootid 
a  system  uv  rewards,  ez  follows : 

For  commitin  2  verses  uv  Yallandigum's  ad- 
dress, 1  beer  check,  good  at  the  Corners ;  5  verses, 
2  checks ;  12  verses,  4  checks ;  and  to  the  child 
hevin  the  most  verses,  a  copper-mounted  butter- 
nut pin. 

We  hed  a  festival  yesterday.  The  tables  wuz 
bounteously  spred  with  bolony,  liver-worst,  and 
crackers,  wile  a  barl  uv  native  whisky  furnisht 
the  flooids  nessary.  It  wuz  a  tetchin  site  to  see 
the  mothers,  wdth  maternal  solissitood,  a  niixin 
nacher's   great   restorer  with   water   and   sorgum 


GOES   OX   WITH    HIS    CHURCH.  87 

surup,  to  adapt  it  to  the  infantile  stuniick.     Fcr 
my  part,  I  alluz  take  mine  strait. 

I  bleeve  good  will  be  accomj^lisht.  Last  week, 
in  makin  a  pastoral  visit,  jest  about  noon,  to  the 
house  uv  wun  uv  my  flock,  who  liez  fine  })ouItry, 
I  wuz  amoosed  at  licarin  a  mcer  infant,  only 
three  years  uv  old,  swinging  his  little  hat,  and 
cry,  "  Hooraw  for  Jeff  Davis."  It  wuz  tetchin. 
Pattin  the  little  patriot  on  the  head,  I  instantly 
borrowd  five  cents  uv  his  father  to  present  to  him. 

Petroleum  Y.  Xasby. 


XXI. 

GOES    ON    WITH   HIS    CHURCH. 

CiuRcii  OF  St.  VALLANDiGOf,  June  the  KM,  1863. 

We  hed  a  blessid  and  improvin  time  yisterday. 
My  little  flock  staggered  in  at  the  usual  hour  in 
the  mornin,  every  man  in  a  heavenly  frame  uv 
mind,  hevin  bin  ingagcd  all  nito  in  a  woi-k  uv 
mercy,  to-wit:  a  mobbin  uv  2  enrollin  officers. 
One  uv  em  resisted,  and  they  smote  him  hip  and 
thigh,  even  ez  Boliash  smote  Jaheel.  (Skriptoo- 
ral,  wich  is  nessary,  bein  in  the  ministry.)  He 
wuz  left  for  dead. 


88  PETROLEUM   Y.    NASBY. 

We  opened  servis  by  siiigin  a  liym,  wich  I  writ, 
commenciii  ez  follows: 

"  SLel  niggers  black  this  land  possess, 
And  mix  with  us  up  here  ? 
0  no,  my  frends,  we  rayther  guess 
We  '11  never  stand  that  'ere. 

I  then  held  forth  from  this  text:  "Whar  hev 
ye  laid  him?  "  I  statid  that  the  person  I  referred 
to  wuz  the  marterd  Vallandigum,  and  I,  in  be- 
haff  uv  a  outraged  Dimokrasy,  demanded  uv  the 
tyrant  Linkin,  "Wher  hev  yoo  laid  him?"  A 
imconYertid  individooal  sed,  "He's  laid  him  out!" 
wich  remark  cost  him  a  broken  head.  I  went  on 
to  show  why  our  saint  hed  bin  martered.  It  wuz 
becoz  he  wuz  a  Dimekrat — becoz  he  dared  to  ex- 
ercise the  rites  guaranteed  to  every  American, 
exceptin  Ablishnists  and  niggers,  uv  aboosin  the 
guverment.  Fer  this,  and  nuthin  else,  wuz  he 
eggsiled.  "My  frends,"  sez  I,  drawin  myself  up 
to  my  full  hite,  and  lookin  as  much  like  Fernan- 
dywood  ez  possible,  "  I  am  willin  to  be  marterd. 
I  denounce  this  war  as  unholy,  unconstooshnel, 
unrighteous,  and  unmitt^^gated.  It  is  nuthin  less 
than  a  invashen  uv  Dimekratik  states,  for  the  sole 
l^urpus  uv  freein  niggers.  Linkin  is  a  tyrant, 
Burnside  a  tool.  Order  38  a  rclik  uv  barberism. 


GOES   ON   AVITH   HIS    CHURCH.  89 

and  I  will  resist  the  enrollment,  the  conskripshen, 
and  the  tax.     Hooray  for  Geff  Davis." 

Our  class-meetin  wuz  more  interestiner  than 
ever.  One  old,  white-headed  brother  sed  that  at 
times  his  way  was  dark,  and  his  pathway  gloomy. 
Wunst  he  wuz  very  near  becomin  a  infidle.  He 
reely  believed  at  one  time  that  the  nigger  was 
human,  and  wunst  he  voted  for  a  Republican  road 
supervisor.  But  he  hed  repented,  and  was,  he 
trusted,  forgiven.  His  mind  wuz  now  easy,  and 
he  should  vote  the  whole  Dimekratik  tickit. 

Two  backsliders,  who  scratched  their  tickits  last 
fall,  confest  their  sin,  publicly.  I  exhorted  em 
two  hours,  fined  em  a  gallon  uv  whisky  apeece, 
and  took  em  into  full  communion.  The  whisky 
will  be  devotid  to  the  missionary  service,  wich 
is  me. 

This  is  a  deliteful  feeld  uv  labor.  At  the  Cor- 
ners they  give  me  sech  flooids  ez  I  need  at  all 
the  doggeries  but  one,  and  at  that  one  the}-  trust 
me,  wich  amounts  to  the  same  thing.  I  hev  hor- 
rid uv  my  flock  over  60  dollars  already.  It  is  a 
rich  feeld,  and  wun  wich  will  endoor  much  workin. 
My  nose  is  deepnin  in  color  every  hour. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 
6 


90  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XXII. 
"  CAPCHERD." 

In  a  Linkin  Basteel,  Columbus,  June  the  20th,  1863. 

Agen  I  am  in  durence  vile.  Agen  I  am  in 
the  hands  uv  Linkin's  hirelin  minyuns,  and  my 
Church  is  without  a  paster.  The  sheperd  is  smit- 
ten and  the  sheep  may  be  scattered.  Were  it  not 
for  two  barls  uv  whisky  that  we  hed  in  the  church, 
I  dout  wether  the  organnyzashen  wood  continner. 
My  prayer  is  that  the  cohesive  flooid  may  hold 
out  till  I  return.     My  capcher  wuz  ez  follose: 

"Wen  the  Dimekrats,  the  peece  men  of  Homes 
County,  declared  war,  I  threw  off  the  sacerdotle 
robes  and  tuk  up  the  sword.  Arrivin  at  Millers- 
berg,  I  jined  the  peece  forces  to  onct.  Ability 
is  alluz  recognizd,  and  I  wuz  immejitly  made  com- 
mander-in-cheef  uv  the  forsis.  A  full  uniform  uv 
butiful  butternut  cloth,  and  a  copperheded  sword 
wuz  presented  me.  I  immejitly  commenst  drillin 
the  men,  and  in  2  days  hed  them  perfishent  in 
compny  and  battalyun  drill. 

We  fortyfide,  buildin  gabeyuns,  faseens,  and 
eliptiks,  and  neglectid  no  precaushen  to  make 
victry  sure.      Fifteen  hundred  strong,  we  pledgd 


"CAPCHERD."  91 

ourselves  to  hist  the  black  flag,  and  never  sur- 
render. 

Finally  the  enemy  hove  in  site.  Ez  they  cum 
up,  our  men  trembled  with  anxiety  to  meet  em. 
Sum  too  hunderd  askt  permishen  to  withdraw 
frum  the  fortyfications,  make  a  detoor  over  the 
hill,  and  flank  em,  wich  request,  bein  unwillin  to 
restranc  their  arder,  I  ackseded  to.  Sum  500 
jined  em,  and  I  spoze  are  detoorin  yit,  ez  I  hev 
never  seen  em  since.  This  movement  wuz  fatle, 
ez  all  went  who  were  sober  enuff  2  walk.  Jest 
afterwards  cum  the  catastrofy.  Ten  uv  the  very 
men  who  lied  bin  foremost  in  advisin  resistence, 
cum  up  with  the  Fedrals,  and  advised  a  surren- 
der! Hopin  to  gane  time,  I  askt  too  hours  to 
consider.  Unfortnit  error !  Before  the  too  hours 
wuz  up,  haff  the  men  wuz  sober,  and,  instid  uv 
histin  the  black  flag,  they  capitoolatid,  delivrin  up 
the  ringleeders.  I  wuz  taken  ez  a  hed  ringleeder, 
and  wuz  ironed  and  taken  to  Columbus,  wher  I 
now  am. 

In  hopes  uv  keepin  my  flock  2getlier,  I  writ  em 
a  epistle,  as  follows : 

To  the  Fatheful  at   Wingcrfs  Corners,  greetin: 

T  rite  you  in  bonds.  I  beseech  you,  deerly  be- 
luvedj  to  be  stcdfast  in  yure  faith,  holdin  on  to 


92  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY.         * 

sech  truth  ez  I  left  you.  Be  viggelent  in  good 
works,  patient  in  chasin  enrollin  ofiSsers,  and 
quick  in  tarrin  and  feathrin  on  em.  For  tho,  I 
am  not  with  you,  the  tar-barl  and  what's  left  uv 
the  feathers  is  in  my  study,  jest  behint  the  whisky 
barls.  Be  temprit.  Ten  er  20  nips  per  day  is 
enuff  fer  eny  man  in  helth ;  if  weakly,  the  num- 
ber may  be  indefinitly  increest.  I  am  alluz  in 
bad  helth.  Bewair  uv  false  teechers.  Let  no 
Triboons  pizen  yer  minds — stick  close  to  the  Cry- 
sis.  Keep  up  yure  Sundy  exercises ;  ef  yoo  hev 
wun  among  you  that  kin  rede,  let  him  next  Sundy 
eddify  yoo  with  Pooh's  speech.  Neglect  not  the 
Sundy-skool.  That  proper  interest  may  be  kept 
up  in  the  minds  uv  the  childern,  I  wood  sejest 
that  Sundy  afternoons  you  ketch  a  preecher  and 
hev  the  darlins  rotten-egg  him.  "Jest  ez  the 
twig  is  bent,"  et  settry.  Be  ennerjetik  in  tearin 
down  meetin-houses,  fer  they  are  injoorin  us.  In 
conclooshen,  deerly  beluved,  remember  me.  Send 
me  a  eucher  deck,  a  too-gallon  jug  uv  corn  joose ; 
also,  the  weekly  collekshun.  Ef  I  survive  I  will 
with  be  you  agen.     In  faith,  yures. 

Ef  they  send  wat  I  want,  I  shell  be  comfortable 
hear.  In  chains,  but  unsubdood, 

Petroleum  V.  [N'asby. 


STARTS    A    PAPER.  93 


xxm. 

STARTS    A    PAPER. 
Church  uv  St.  VALLAKDiouJf,  June  the  ZOth,  18G3. 

I  AM  back  in  the  midst  uv  my  flock.  I  coodent 
be  a  marter.  The  Fedral  orfisers  dismist  me  with 
the  insultin  remark  that  I  wuz  2  smal  pertaters 
to  notis.  Hevin  time  on  my  hands,  and  feelin 
that  I  'm  livin  in  vane  onless  I  am  doin  suthin  for 
the  grate  coz,  I  hev  determined  to  ishoo  a  paper, 
devoted  to  disseminatin  my  vews.  I  ishood  my 
prospectusses  to-day,  uv  which  the  follerin  is  wun  •. 

TO    THE   PURE   DIMOKRASt! 

Prospectus  uv  the  ^^  Marter  and  Tirent  Besister  !^^ 

Orgust  1st,  the  undersined  will  ishoo  the  fust 
number  uv  a  paper  bearin  the  above  title,  devoted 
to  the  interests  uv  the  pure  Dimokrasy.  To  in- 
shoor  the  fatheful  just  sech  a  paper  ez  they  need, 
the  follerin  able  writers  hev  bin  ingayjed,  regard- 
less uv  expence: 

On  arbitrary  arrests — Petroleum  V.  ^asby. 

On  habis  corpuss — P.  V.  Nasby. 

On  nigger — P.  Volcano  Nasby. 

On  vilashens  uv  Constooshnal  rites — Mr.  Nasby. 


94  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

This  brilyiint  gcallacksy  uv  intcUeck,  under  the 
edytoral  control  uv  Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

The  "Marter  and  Tirent  Resister  "  will  support 
Vallandigum,  and  while  givin  the  guverment  a 
harty  support  in  puttin  down  the  rebelyun,  will 
uv  coarse  oppose — 

Coercin  the  secedid  staits ; 

Invadin  the  secedid  staits; 

Raisin  armies  by  volunteerin ; 

Raisin  armies  by  draft  er  conscripshen* 

Raisin  meens  by  tax  or  tariff ; 

Arrestin  uv  men  for  symj)athisin  with  the 
Southern  Dimokrasy; 

Arrestin  uv  eny  body  for  any  thing ; 

The  usin  uv  niggers  ez  soljers ; 

The  usin  uv  white  men  ez  soljers; 

Evry  thing  the  Administrashen  hez  dun,  is  doin, 
er  may  hereafter  do. 

It  will  viggerously  advokate — 

The  Constitooshn  ez  it  is ; 

Doin  away  uv  the  Constitooshn ; 

The  Union  ez  it  wuz; 

The  plan  for  dividin  the  Union  in2  4  parts; 

The  elekshen  uv  troo  Dimekrats  to  good  payin 
offises ; 

The  enforsement  uv  the  laws; 

The  resistin  uv  conskripshen  and  enrolin  offisers; 


STARTS   A   PAPEE.  95 

Morality  and  good  order; 

The  mobbin  uv  Metliodis,  Presbyterin,  Luthrin, 
Brethrin,  and  uthcr  hetrodox  churches. 

I  appele  confidently  too  the  Dimokrasy  for  sup- 
port. The  actooal,  ginooine  principles  uv  Dimok- 
rasy need  a  able  defender,  and  I  'm  the  identicle 
individooal.  My  hole  sole  is  in  the  coz,  and  I  am 
pecooliarly  fitted  by  eddicashen  and  tastes  for  the 
posishcn. 

I  blccYC  the  spcckelashen  will  pay  hevy.  My 
Church  welkomed  me  back  with  a  corjality  trooly 
affectin.  They  held  a  festivle  on  my  return,  to 
wicli  the  Sundy-skool  skolars  wuz  present.  I  un- 
bended myself,  and  kist  em  onct  apeece,  takin  a  nip 
of  corn  essense  atween  times,  wich  wuz  nessary. 
Mistakin  a  mother  for  her  infant,  the  infooriated 
husband  assaulted  me.  I  wuz  reskood  afore  much 
damij  wuz  dun.  A  speshl  church  meetin  will  be 
held  too  consider  his  case. 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


96  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XXIV. 
PREACHES   AND    MAKES    A    SUDDEN   SHIFT. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  July  the  7th,  1863. 

I  PREACHED  last  Sunday  from  the  text,  "  Break 
every  yoke  and  let  the  opprest  go  free."  I  went 
on  to  show  that  this  text  had  no  reference  watever 
to  niggers.  Niggers  wuz  ordained  2  be  bondmen, 
from  the  very  day  N^oah  took  a  overdose  uv  the 
great  happyfier,  and  oust  Canaan.  But  the  text, 
like  the  Deklarashen  uv  Independense  and  the 
ever-blessid  Constitooshn,  wuz  made  solely  for 
white  men.  It  hed  undoubted  reference  to  the 
payin  uv  debts.  Wat  heavier  yoke  is  ther  than 
notes?  and  who  is  more  opprest  than  he  who 
pays  ten  per  cent.  ?  "  Burn  yer  notes,  and  let 
yer  debtors  go  free,"  wood  be  a  more  correcter 
readin  uv  the  passage. 

In  our  biznis  meetin  in  the  afternoon,  the  ques- 
tion uv  the  draft  wuz  considered.  It  was  plain 
that  the  enrolement  cood  not  be  prevented.  The 
enrol  in  orfisers  hed  managed  to  do  it,  and  it  wuz 
a  sertinty  that  every  name  atwixt  18  and  45  wuz 
down.  And  we  were  also  satisfied  that  the  draft 
cood  be    enforst,  and  there4  it  behooves  us  to 


PREACHES  AND  MAKES  A  SUDDEN  SHIFT.       97 

make  it  ez  light  cz  j^ossible,  more  espeshly  ez 
when  wiin  uv  us  is  draftid,  he  will  hev  2  to  go, 
not  hevin  the  nessary  300  dollars.  It  is  here  ez 
it  is  in  all  excloosivly  Dimekratik  communities — 
the  grocery  keepers  absorb  all  the  capital.  The 
follerin  resolutions  were  past: 

Wareas,  Our  nashen  is  involved  in  a  horri- 
ble, fratrisidle  war,  the  same  bein  unholy,  and 
waged  solely  2  free  the  nigger  and  enslaiv  the 
white  man,  wich  is  therefore  our  duty  to  oppose 
the  same;  therefore,  be  it 

JResolvd,  That  we  arc  in  favor  uv  raisin  our 
quota  by  volunteerin,  and  hereby  urge  the  same. 

Resolvd,  That  we  consider  the  employment  uv 
niggers,  ez  soljers,  ez  not  only  justifiable,  but 
highly  commendable. 

Besolvd,  That  a  committee  be  appinted  to  se- 
koor  the  settlement  uv  2  hundred  families  uv  nig- 
gers in  this  township,  excloosivly  for  volunteerin 
purposes. 

The  resolooshens  wuz  j^ast,  and  the  committees 
appointed.  The  very  next  day  we  heerd  uv 
Vicksburg  and  Gettysburg.  I  to  wunst  blew  the 
horn  and  got  my  flock  together,  told  cm  the 
news,  and  offerd  the  following  resolooshens: 

Wareas,  Our  beloved  country  is  involved  in 
a  bloody  war  aginst  rebels  and  traitors 


98  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

(A  old  man  interrupted  me,  sayin,  "W-h-a-t?" 
Payin  no  attenshen,  I  proceeded.) 

And  in  sich  a  crisis  the  dooty  uv  every  troo 
citizen  is  to  sustain  the  guverment;  therefore, 
be  it 

Besolvd,  That  the  Dimokrasy  are,  ez  theyalluz 
hev  bin,  in  favor  uv  a  viggerus  prossekooshen  uv 
the  war. 

Besolvd,  That  our  confidence  in  the  great  Val- 
landigum  is  unabated ;  and,  bleevin  him  to  be  the 
only  actooal  war  man  in  Ohio,  shel  give  him  our 
harty  suj^port. 

Besolvd,  That  the  reports  uv  troubles  in  Ohio 
and  Ingeany  is  lies,  got  up  to  deseeve  the  people. 

The  resolooshens  wuz  past,  tho  I  had  to  tell  em 
twice  to  vote  for  em.  We  immejitly  hunted  up  2 
enrollin  orfisers,  who  we  tarred  and  feathered  sum 
weeks  ago,  jest  after  Hooker  wuz  defeated  by 
Lee  at  Chanslerville,  when  we  spozd  our  Suthern 
brethrin  wood  triumph,  and  giv  em  a  j^ublic  din- 
ner. Ef  all  the  leaders  of  the  Dimokrasy  were  ez 
sagashus  ez  me,  the  old  party  wood  hev  smooth 
sailin.  Alas !  how  few  hev  the  gigantik  intellek 
uv  Nasby !  I  hev  written  to  my  frends,  advisin 
em  to  shift  ez  soon  ez  possible. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


OBSERVES   A   DAY   OF    FASTING.  99 


XXV. 

OBSERVES   A    DAY   OF  FASTING. 

CncRCH  vv  St.  Vallandigum,  July  the  20th,  1863. 

YiSTERDY  wuz  Set  apart  by  my  congregashen 
ez  a  day  uv  fastin  and  humiliashen  for  our  niis- 
forchunes  at  Gettizberg,  and  the  loss  uv  Port 
Hudson  and  Yixburg.  I  isliood  the  follerin  di- 
rexshens  for  the  proper  observance  uv  the  fast, 
to-wit: 

1.  Nip  before  breckfust  not  2  eckseed  two  jills. 

2.  For  breckfust  no  animil  food  permitted, 
ceptin  ham  and  eggs,  beef,  etz. 

3.  For  dinner,  ditto;  supper  same  ez  on  uther 
daze. 

4.  Beer  2  be  taken  by  the  single  glass,  and 
pretzels  to  be  eaten  without  salt  on  em. 

5.  These  rules  to  be  void  in  the  case  uv  peepil 
over  35  and  invalids,  who  may  hev  thcr  sustainin 
flooids  ez  usual. 

I  prcccht  frum  this  text,  "0,  mi  sole,  why  art 
thow  cast  down?"  I  told  em  we  wuz  cast  down 
becoz  uv  Meed's  whippin  Lee;  becoz  uv  Grant's 
takin  Yixburg,  and  Banks's  takin  Port  Hudson. 
That's  what's  the  matter  with  us.     That's  what 


100  TETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

liez  cast  a  shadder  over  owr  countnansis,  and 
cliangd  the  hue  uv  our  nozes  from  the  brilyunt 
crimsun  to  the  gastly  bloo  !  The  flattrin  hopes  uv 
a  successful  invashen  uv  the  North  is  dasht — 
likewise  the  releef  uv  Vixburg,  and  now,  to  fill 
our  cup  uv  sorrer,  Jon  Morgan's  command  is  de- 
stroyd.  But  still,  my  frends,  ther  is  a  silver  linin 
2  evry  clowd — wich  is  poetry.  There  is  wun  ray 
uv  hope  amid  all  this  gloom.  I  allood  2  the  late 
constooshnal  demonstrashens  in  'Noo  York.  Ther 
wuz  a  victory.  The  draft-books  wuz  destroyed 
and  the  draft  wuz  stopped.  But  ther  wuz  a  big- 
ger triumph  than  stoppin  the  draft.  Niggers  wuz 
killd — the  prowd  Anglo-Saxn  riz  in  his  mite  and 
stoned  the  niggers !  Halleloojy !  At  this  pint 
sum  uv  the  awjence  becum  sleej)y,  and  to  arowse 
them  I  becum  faseshus.  Why,  sez  I,  wuz  the 
Dimokrasy,  who  mauld  the  niggers  in  Noo  York, 
a  most  ennerjetic  and  perse verin  people  ?  Becoz, 
anserd  I,  they  left  no  stone  unturned  2  effect  their 
purpus.  The  ijee  uv  interdoosin  conundrums  in2 
the  pullpit  is  orijenel  with  me.  I  closed  by  ex- 
hortin  uv  em  too  stand  firm.  Ef  we  kin  elect 
Yallandigum,  we  may  yet  check  the  Fedral  guv- 
ment  in  its  victorus  carere.  With  Ohio  all  rite 
for  constooshnal  rites,  the  game  uv  subjoogashen 
wood  be  playd  out.     Let  us,  sed  I,  never  falter 


OBSERVES  A   DAY   OF   FASTING.  101 

nor  faint,  but  press  onnard  2  the  mark  iiv  oui 
high  callin.  Ez  the  Isrelites  threw  down  the 
walls  uv  Gerryko  by  blowin  rams'  horns,  so  kin 
we  by  blowin  our  horns  throw  down  the  walls 
of  this  Abolishn  Gerr^^ko.  Blow  your  horns,  my 
brethrin;  for  whoso  bloweth  not  his  own  horn, 
the  same  shall  not  be  blown,  but  whoso  bloweth 
his  own  horn,  the  same  shall  be  blown  with  a 
muchness. 

We  took  a  numerashen  uv  owr  Church  with  a 
vew  to  the  draft,  with  the  follerin  result: 

Hole  number  uv  male  members,      -         -         _         200 

Over  45, .50 

Under  18, 50 

Badly  rupcberd,  and  utherwise  diseasd,        -      92 
Gone  to  Canady  2  visit  ther  uncles,  -       -  8 


Total         .         -         -  -         -  200 

We  are  easy  in  our  minds  on  this  subjic. 
Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


102  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


XXVI. 

VISITS   YALLANDIGHAM. 

Church  tjt  St.  Vallandigum,  July  the  21th,  1863. 

I  HEV  jest  returned  from  a  visit  to  our  per- 
sekootid  saint,  Yallandigum.  The  marter  wuz 
holdin  a  resepshun  at  the  Clifton  House  wen  I 
arrove.  He  caught  site  uv  me  ez  soon  ez  I  en- 
tered the  room,  and  he  rusht  in2  my  arms,  and 
droopin  his  head  on2  my  heavin  buzm,  weept 
aloud : 

"Marterd  saint!"  sez  I,  with  a  voice  tremulous 
with  emoshen. 

"Sufferer  fer  truth!"  sez  he;  and  then  this 
trooly  grate  man  whispered,  "Jest  keep  in  this 
posishn  a  minnit — the  artist  uv  the  Noo  York 
Illustratid  Flapdoodle  is  makin  a  sketch  uv  us;" 
wich  we  did,  standin  locked  in2  each  other's  arms, 
and  weepin  profoosely  fer  15  minits.  It  wuz  ex- 
haustin  and  tiresum,  but  fer  the  cause  I  endoord 
it.  The  picter  will  appear  in  next  week's  Flap- 
doodle, headed  "The  2  Grrate  Minds  uv  the  iVge! 
Affecting  meeting  uv  Vallandigum  and  J^asby!" 
The  matter  akompnyin  the  picter  will  be  written 
by  Vallandigum  and  myself — he  writin  wat  relates 


KA6BY  VISITS  YALLANDIUIIAM. -Pagk  1C3, 


VISITS   VALLAIN'DIGHAM.  105 

2  hisself,  and  I  wat  relates  2  myself.  We  kin 
do  ourselves  jiistis.  After  the  Eastern  delega- 
shen  hed  gone  thro  the  eerrymony  uv  kissin  his 
feet,  wich  cleaned  em,  he  dismist  em,  and  we  wuz 
alone. 

"j^asby,"  says  the  great  C.  L.,  "how  is  things 
in  my  nativ  state?" 

"Squally,"  sez  I. 

"Wat  wuz  the  pervalin  sentiment  uv  the  peo- 
ple as  to  my  eggsile?" 

"They  wuz  extremely  glad  uv  it." 

"The  akount  uv  my  prostrashen — my  untold 
suifrins,  et  settry,  wich  I  hed  publisht  in  the  pa- 
pers; did  that  not  affect  them?" 

"Yes;  they  laft." 

"  Did  not  the  affectin  akount  uv  the  wife  uv  my 
buzm  and  my  cherub  babes  a  jinin  me  here,  2 
share  my  lonely  eggsile,  move  em?" 

"Nary  move." 

"Nasby,  the  people  is  stun.  But  I'll  fetch  em. 
'Nil  despritrando '  is  my  motto." 

After  a  few  moments  uv  profound  silence,  he 
resoomd : 

"I  must  be  guvnor,  for  how  else  kin  we  pre- 
vent the  subjugashen  uv  the  Dimckratik  staits? 
Elect  me,  and  therd  be  no  trouble  about  drafts, 
onlcss  we  shood  git  involved  in  a  war  with  the 


106  PETROLEUM  V.   NASBY. 

United  States.  The  Confederacy  wood  be  recog- 
nized, Ohio  wood  go  with  the  South,  and  slavery 
wood  be  interdoost,  and  as  we  woodent  hev  eny 
further  use  fer  em,  poor  men  woodent  be  allowed 
to  vote,  making  me  perpetooal  guvner.  Nasby, 
we  must  succee(^' 

"Certainly.  But  we're  in  a  tite  plais.  Our 
speekers  is  embarist.  It  takes  a  gigantik  intel- 
lek  to  bring  the  pints  2gether.  A  anicdote :  A 
spritely  boy  wunst  put  200  eggs  in  a  nest  for  a 
hen  to  set  on.     Sez  his  maternal  mother: 

"'My  son,  why  puttist  thou  so  many  eggs  under 
the  hen  ?     She  canst  not  kiver  em.' 

"  'Certinly  she  canst  not;  but,  thunder!  I  want 
to  see  her  spread  herself.' 

"Jest  so.  Our  speakers  is  in  the  same  fix.  The 
outside  egg  in  the  Dimekratik  nest  is  opposition 
to  the  war.  Tother  side  uv  the  nest,  200  eggs  dis- 
tant, is  the  support  uv  the  war.  To  kiver  em  all 
requires  great  stretchin  capacity." 

"Troo,  2  troo.  But  we  must  mix  it,  and  trust  to 
luck.  In  loyal  counties,  stuff  em  with  dilooted 
patriotism ;  in  our  counties,  pure  secesh.  The 
peo2:)le  is  jest  ez  gullible  now  ez  ever  they  wuz." 

I  left  the  patriot  and  sage  much  comforted. 
Petroleum  Y.  JN'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


CONVERSES   WITH    A    BROTHER.  107 


XXVII. 

CONVERSES    WITH    A    BROTHER. 

Church  vr  St.  Vallandiocm,     ) 
Wingert's  Corners,  Orgust  the  9th,  18G3.  ) 

I  HED  a  brother  who  left  his  paternal  roof  in 
18forty-nine,  fer  the  perpiis  uv  makin  a  fortin,  a 
follerin  the  briny  deep.  He  did  n't  maik  a  fortin, 
however,  makin  fortins  bein  a  thing  fer  wich  the 
Nasby  family  is  not  cellebratid.  He  had  bin 
absent  all  uv  the  time,  and  hed  heard  never  a  word 
frum  his  naytiv  land.  He  went  frum  this  county, 
and  wen  he  landid  at  I^oo  York,  he  cum  strate  2 
this  plais.     I  reseeved  him  with  open  arms. 

"Josef,"  sez  I,  "do  voo  still  remane  troo  2  the 
Dimekratik  faith?" 

"Petroleum,"  sez  he,  "I  do.  Ez  wuz  resolvd 
in  our  konvenshun  the  yere  afore  I  startid,  I 
bleeve  that  slaivry  is  a  evil,  and  that  the  Himok- 
rasy  uv  Ohio  shood  use  all  constooshnel  means  to 
mittygait  and  finclly  eraddycait  it,  and" 

"flold,"  sez  I,  "times  is  changd.  The  Dimok- 
rasy  now  look  upon  slaivry  cz  a  blcssin;  but, 
go  on." 

"I  bleeve,"  resoomd  he,  "that  the  scttlin  uv  the 


108  PETROLEUM   V.    Js^ASBY. 

question  uv  slaivry  by  the  Missory  Compermise 
wuz  rite;  and" 

"Hold  on,"  sez  I,  "we  repeeld  the  Comper- 
mise." 

"I  bleeve,"  retorted  he,  feebly,  "that  slaivry  is 
the  creecher  uv  #okle  legislashen,  and  shood  be 
exclooded  frum  the  territories;  and" 

"Stiddy,"  sez  I,  "the  Dimokrasy  is  in  favor  uv 
extendin  it  all  over  the  territories." 

"Well,"  sez  Josef,  sez  he,  "I  'm  fer  the  Union, 
wun  and  indivizable;  that's  Dimokrasy,  aint  it?" 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  "with  sevral  ifs  and  much  buts. 
We  are  jest  now,  ez  a  party,  ingaygd  in  the  de- 
liteful  work  uv  splittin  up  the  old  Union  in2  4 
parts,  as  per  Vallandigum.  Josef,  your  behint 
the  age.  You  see,  Josef,  we  wuz  fer  the  Union, 
wun  and  indivizable,  jest  so  long  ez  the  Dimok- 
rasy, wich  wuz  mostly  lokated  Sowth,  hed  con- 
trole  uv  sed  Union.  In  them  davs  ISToo  End  and 
wuz  under.  Then  things  changd.  Noo  England 
spred  over  the  West,  and  ther  wuz  danger  uv  losin 
the  control e.  To  check  em,  we  commenst  legis- 
latin ;  fustly  repeelin  the  Compermise,  so  they  mite 
take  niggers  ther,  if  they  cood  git  in  fast  enuif. 
That  wuz  a  failyer.  Then  we  decided  that  the 
constooshn  pertected  slaivry,  and  that  it  cood  go 
ther  anyhow.     Still  Noo  England  beet  us,  electin 


CONVEKSES  WITH  A  BROTHER.       109 

a  Abolishn  President,  and  we  bolted,  so  that  we 
coed  git  shet  uv  Xew  England.  And  that 's  wat 
the  war's  about." 

Sez  Josef,  scz  he : 

"  Petroleum,  to  me  it  doth  seem  that  all  that 's 
left  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  to  which  I  wunst  belongd, 
is  the  naim." 

2  which  I  sentenshusly  rej)lide: 

"It  air." 

Sez  Josef,  sez  he,  "Petroleum,  I  can't  git  it 
thro  me.  Ef  I  hed  staid  at  home,  perhaps  I 
mite  hev  took  these  changis  down,  wun  at  a  time, 
but  at  wun  dose  it 's  2  much.  Therefoar,  Petro- 
leum v.,  consider  me  owt.  The  old  flag's  good 
enuff  fer  me,  I  thank  you,  and  Androo  Jaxn  wuz 
abowt  the  style  uv  a  Dimekrat  you  mite  bet  ycr 
bottom  dollar  on.  I  repoodiate  the  hull  on  't.  I 
do  n't  like  egg-shells,  ner  nuthin  wat  aint  got  no 
meet  into  it;  by  wich  strikin  mettyfor  I  meen  to 
say  that  a  party  that  hez  dispozd  uv  its  prinsij)- 
ples,  and  lives  on  a  empty  naim,  aint  the  assosia- 
shen  fer  any  body  but  a  low  graid  uv  ijeots,  and 
a  high  graid  uv  skoundrels,  sech  ez  would  garrote 
the  Goddis  uv  Liberty  fer  the  white  cotton  nite 
gownd  she  is  juktorelly  represented  ez  wearin. 
Petroleum  V.,  adoo." 


110  PETEOLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

The   next  day  lie   enlistid.     I   saw  him  depart 
with  a  bloo  kote  on.     Ez  he  haddent  a  doHar  that 
I  cood  borrer,  I  wuz  rejoist  to  see  him  go. 
Respectively, 

Petroleum  V.  [N'asby. 


XXVIII. 

CONFESSION    OF    FAITH. 

Church  vy  St.  Vallaxdigum,   Orgust  the  "ilst,  1863. 

We  hed  the  glorusist  kind  uv  a  seesiin  yister- 
day.  The  winders  wuz  opend,  and  a  showr  uv 
pure  Dimekratik  grace  desendid  upon  us,  and  we 
wuz  blest.  Glory!  "We  reseeved  into  our  Zion 
18  young  men,  who  reseevd  the  faith  by  inherit- 
ance, ther  fathers  hevin  alluz  voted  the  strait 
ticket.  The  follerin  is  the  Confeshun  uv  Faith 
too  wich  they  subscribed: 

Queshn — Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  Canaan  wuz 
doomd  to  bondig  becoz  uv  ISToer's  gittin  tite ;  that 
Hayger  and  Onezimus  prove  the  skriptoorality  of 
the  fugytiv-slaiv  law ;  that,  taken  ez  a  hull,  they 
show  that  the  ketchin  uv  niggers  with  dorgs  is 
commendible  and  evangelikle? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  the  present  war  is 


CONFESSION   OF   FAITH.  Ill 

unconstooslinel  and  unholy;  that  it  wuz  brot 
on  by  the  Abolishnists  interferin  with  slaivry; 
that  the  bombardment  iiv  Sumter  wuz  rite,  the 
hasty? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  Linkin  is  a  tyrent 
and  usurper;  that  he  hed  no  rite  too  subjoogait 
the  Sowth;  that  his  callin  out  troops  wuz  uncon- 
stooshnel ;  and  that  every  thing  he  hez  dun,  since 
the  war  begun,  is  likewise  unconstooshnel  ? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  Vallandigum  wuz  sent 
in2  the  world  to  save  the  Dimekratik  party;  that 
in  doin  it  he  wuz  arestid  at  Dayton,  tride  afore 
Ponteus  Burnside,  and  sent  Sowth ;  that,  after  3 
months,  he  riz  agen  in  Canydy,  whense  he  shel 
cum  ez  soon  ez  hese  electid,  and  Pooh  goes  after 
him  with  300  thowsan? 

Dostest  thow  take  the  Crisis? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  the  sentrel  committis 
is  the  sole  dispenser  uv  opinyun,  and  wiltcst  thow 
alluz  yawp  wen  they  wink? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  skratchin  a  tikkit  is 
the  onpardonable  sin? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  this  war  wuz  got  up 
to  free  niggers,  and  that  to-day  Linkin  hez  75,000 
niggers  in  the  North,  a  fcedin  on  fride  oysters  and 
hot  punch  ? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  that  Lee  is  the  greatest 


112  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

gineral  uv  the  age,  and  that  all  rej)orts  uv  Fedral 
victries  is  lies? 

Dostest  thow  bleeve  Ben  Butler 's  a  beast,  and 
Hamlin  a  mulatter? 

Wiltest  thow  pledge  yurself  2  uncompremisinly 
oppose  yure  sisters  marrying  niggers,  no  matter 
how  much  they  want  to? 

2  all  uv  these  questuns  the  candidates  anserd : 
"  I  dost."  Bro.  Tuttle  extendid  the  rite  hand  uv 
fellowship,  and  after  making  a  X  to  their  names, 
wich  I  hed  previously  ritten  in  our  church-book, 
they  wuz  made  members  of  my  flock. 

The  coz  is  prosperin.     We  commense  a  series 

uv  revival  meetins  next  week,  and  hev  made  ex- 

tensiv  preparashens   therefor.     10  barls   of  con- 

denst  Dimokrasy,  20  barls  uv  beer,  and  300  yards 

uv  bolony  hez  bin  pervided.     Ther  will  be  a  out- 

porin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


PEEACHES — SUBJECT,   "  GIVIX."  113 

XXIX. 

PREACHES — SUBJECT,    "  GIVIN." 
Church  vy  St.  Vallandigum,  September  the  'list,  1863. 

I  PREECHED  yisterday  frum  this  text:  "Ycrely 
I  say  unto  yoo,  it  is  moar  blesseder  toe  give  than 
toe  reseeve." — Joab  xvii:  313  to  '21,  incloosiv. 

The  inspird  riter  hcd,  no  dout,  the  Dimekratik 
party  in  his  mind's  eye,  wen  he  rit  them  words 
uv  wisdom.  Experence  hez  shode  the  trooth  uv 
them  sentens,  and  ef  it  hadent,  youd  be  bound  to 
bleeve  it,  coz  I,  your  paster,  sez  so,  wich  is  Di- 
mokrasy.     To  ilhistrait,  we  shell  inquire: 

1.  Wat  is  givin? 

Givin  is  givin,  wich  is  suffishently  cleer  expla- 
nashen  fer  all  practikle  perpuses. 

2.  Wen  shood  we  giv? 

This  pint  reqwires  moar  eloocydashen.  We 
must  giv  alluz,  fer  it  is  moar  blessider  toe  giv 
ner  toe  reseeve.  The  Dimokrasy  hez  alluz  bin 
seriptooral  in  this  partikeler.  Wen  the  Sowth 
wantid  Misoory,  we  giv  it.  Wen  she  wantid  a 
fugytiv-slaiv  law,  we  giv  it.  Wen  she  wantid 
Texis,  and  Kansas,  and  Xcbrasky,  we  giv  it — hal- 
leloogy!     Wen  she  wantid  Bookannon,  we  giv  it; 


114  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

and  wen  she  demandid  Duglisses  hcd,  we  g\v  it, 
far  it  is  moar  blessider  to  giv  ner  it  is  to  reseeve. 

3.  Why  shood  we  giv? 

Becoz  it  pays.  So  long  ez  the  Dimokrasy  hed 
the  power  uv  givin,  all  wuz  well.  The  Sowth, 
hevin  all  it  wanted,  wuz  contentid,  and  evry  thing 
went  on  smooth  and  plesent  like.  JS^acher  in- 
tended em  to  rool,  and  us  uns  to  serve,  and  we 
wuz  satisfide,  and  so  wuz  they.  Such  offisis  ez 
wuz  benethe  em,  they  tost  to  us,  and  all  .wuz 
peese.     It  wuz  normel. 

4.  Wat  hez  bin  the  consekencis  uv  not  givin  ? 
My  frens,  seest  thou  yon  post-orifise  ?     A  Abo- 

lishnist  sets  there.  And  woe  is  us!  the  plasis  we 
onct  did  fill  all  ore  the  land,  we  fill  no  moar. 
And  wuss.  Ther  is  war;  the  Xorth  hez  rebeld 
aginst  the  Dimokrasy,  and  to-day  yoor  sons  is  be- 
ing dragged  to  the  tented  feeld,  to  be  offered  up 
a  sakrifis  to  the  fell  sperit  uv  "not  givin."  0, 
my  frens,  we  stumbled  ourselvs.  We  faild  to  giv 
wunst,  and  that  failj^our  wuz  fatle.  Wen  we  in 
our  j^ride  defide  the  Sowth  at  Charleston,  we 
sinned,  and  air  now  payin  fer  it.  0,  hed  we  all 
yoonited  in  givin,  then — hed  w^e  follered  prese- 
dent  and  got  down  into  the  dust — then  all  wood 
Lev  bin  well. 

We  dedooce  from  the  foregoin  the  follerin  grate 


PREACHES — SUBJECT,    "  GIVIX."  115 

trootli,  to-wit,  viz :  Siiifrin  alluz  follcrs  sin.  Ne- 
ther duz  the  sinner  git  the  price  uv  his  sin.  The 
demon  uv  Abolishnism,  er  Not  Givix,  wich  is 
sinonymus,  held  afore  the  eyes  of  Duglis  the  daz- 
zlin  prospek  uv  Northrin  votes.  But  lo !  wen 
Duglis  hed  took  the  fatel  step,  the  votes  wuz 
Linkin's,  and  the  post-orfises  wuz  Linkin's,  and 
the  Dimokrasy  supped  on  sorrcr  and  brekfasted 
on  woe. 

Ther  is,  my  brethren,  a  hevy  cuss  on  Not  Givin. 
"Wo  unto  yoo  fer  a  stiff-necked  and  rebelyus  peo- 
ple." (Abiram  31,  5,  xlp.)  In  the  originel  Roo- 
shen  it  is  "stiff-backt"  instid  uv  "stiff-neckt,"  wich 
makes  it  mene  Massychusetts.  They  wood  never 
bend  a  inch ;  they  hed  no  limbernis,  and  with  head 
uj:),  instid  uv  down — with  backs  strate,  instid  uv 
curvd — they  insisted  on  bein  men  ez  well  ez  Vir- 
ginny,  thus  forcin  the  Sowth  to  take  up  arms  to 
bend  em  into  ther  nateral  posishen. 

My  frens,  this  war  is  a  effort  on  the  part  uv 
the  Sowth  to  put  down  these  rebels  aginst  the 
grate  prinsiple  uv  Givix.  That's  all  they  want, 
and  wen  they  git  it  they  '11  stop,  I  make  no  doubt. 
Then,  brcthrin,  let  us  pray  fer  their  sukccss — let 
us  imytait  our  martcrcd  saint,  Yallandigum,  who 
is  a  exel  far  away,  and,  2  the  xtent  uv  our  ability, 
further  the  grate  coz.     Let  Noo  Ingland  be  got 


116  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

under ;  Sumner,  and  Waid,  and  Giddins,  and  Gim 

Aslily,  and  Oin  Luvgoy  hung;   the   grate  Davis 

President,  with  Fernandywood  and  Vallandiguna 

in  his  Cabynit;  then  will  ther  be  for  us  peece,  and 

harmony,  and  good-will,  and  post-orfises.    Let  wat 

I  hev  sed  sink  deep  in2  yoor  harts.     Wen  the 

contribooshen  box  cums   around,  remember  that 

"it  is  moar  blesseder  2  give  than  2  reseeve."    So 

mote  it  be. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 

Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XXX. 

VISITS   CAMP   DENNISON    TO    ELECTIONEER    FOR 
VALLANDIGHAM. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  October  the  \st,  1863. 

Feelin  it  a  sakred  dooty  I  owed  the  coz  uv 
Dimokrasy  and  free  speech,  (on  awl  subgeks  not 
interferin  with  Dimokras}'^  ez  it  hez  bin,  ez  it  is, 
or  ez  it  may  be,)  I  visited  Camp  Dennyson,  wich 
is  naimd  after  a  Abolishnist,  to  use  my  stentorin 
voice  fer  Vallandigum,  among  the  payrold  priz- 
ners.  It  wuz  a  bammy  mornin  in  September 
wen  I  arriv,  and  procoorin  admishen,  I  set  to 
work  to  wunst.     Noticin  a  cupple  uv  duzen  uv 


ELECTIOXEERIXG   FOR   VALLANDIGHAM.      117 

em  a  j^layin  poker — 1  cent  anty — I  judged  by  a 
iiistink  I  liev  that  thcr  wuz  a  good  field  fer  sowin 
Dimekratik  seed.     Advansin,  I  sed: 

"My  frends!" 

"Wat,"  said  wun  iiv  em,  takin  advantij  iiv  the 
interrupshen  to  slip  a  ace  er  2  up  his  koat-sleeve. 

"My  frends,"  sed  I,  "I  cum  2  yoo  ez  a  possel 
iiv  peece,  and  a  umble  advokait  uv  Dimokrasy, 
and  that  persookootid  angil,  Yallandigum" 

"Five  aces,  Jimuel,"  sed  the  person  who  fust 
sed  "Wat"  to  me.  "I  take  the  pile,  coz  yu  cant 
beet  five  aces ; "  and  sweepin  the  munny,  he  re- 
markt  2  me,  "Xow,  parson,  wat  did  yoo  say?" 

"I  cum,"  sez  I,  "in  behaif  uv  the  outrajd  Yal- 
landigum, who  is  a  exile  far  away." 

I  found  that  the  sile  uv  Camp  Dennyson  wuz 
altogether  2  stony  to  maik  preeching  for  Yallan- 
digum and  free  speech  very  pleasent,  for  no  sooner 
hed  the  wurds  left  my  lips  than  a  showr  uv  stuns 
assailed  me;  wun,  that  felt  ez  tho  it  wayd  a  tun, 
prostrated  me.  A  seriz  uv  outrajis  wuz  then  per- 
petrated, wich  beggars  deskripshun.  I  wuz  peltid 
with  offensive  eggs,  and  rotten  cabbig,  and  decayd 
pertaters;  in  fact,  at  wun  time  the  air  wuz  so  full 
uv  eggs,  that  I  might  hev  thot,  hed  I  bin  poetikle, 
that  the  blessid  sun  wuz  a  mammuth  hen,  badly 
diseazd,  and  a  layin  rotten  eggs,  a  milyun  a  uiinnit. 


118  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

Finally,  wim  uv  em  scz:  ''Boys,  we  aint  the  priz- 
ners  this  feller's  after.  Johnson's  Island's  wher 
he  wants  to  go  to  find  his  frends." 

"Yes,"  sed  another,  "and  to  git  there  yoo  go 
by  water!" 

Whereupon,  these  fiends  seezed  me  and  draggd 
me  thro  a  hoss-troff  15  er  a  hundred  times.  Then 
they  pourd  cole-ile  over  me,  and  wuz  a  goin  to  set 
it  afire  to  dry  me,  ez  they  sed,  but  I  break  and 
fled,  pursood  by  1000  uv  these  infooriatid  demuns. 
I  finally  escaipd,  by  passin  myself  orf  ez  Horris 
Greely  on  to  a  party  uv  em  who  stopt  me. 

I  am  at  present  confind  to  my  bed,  sustanin 
myself  by  takin  dosis  uv  terbaeker  joose  from  J. 
Davis'  spittoon,  dilooted  with  whisky.  It  inwig- 
goraits  me. 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


IX   THE   "APOSSEL   BIZNIS."  119 


XXXI. 

IN   THE    "APOSSEL    BIZNIS." 

October  the  6tJi,  1863. 

The  sole  uv  Nasby's  foot  knoze  no  rest.  Eter- 
nal viggilence  is  the  prise  uv  liberty,  and  a  old 
Dimekrat  who  hez  never  skratched  a  tikkit,  and 
who  never  spiles  his  likker  by  dilooshn,  kin  work 
in  these  perilus  times.  I  am  engaged  in  organ- 
izin  sosieties  on  the  basis  uv  the  Union  ez  it  wuz, 
the  Constitooshn  ez  it  is,  and  the  nigger  wlicr  he 
ought  to  be.  This  imployment  soots  me.  The 
apossel  biznis  I  like.  Brot  into  continooal  con- 
tack  with  the  best  uv  Dimekrats,  I  hev  the  run 
uv  a  thowsan  jugs — pay  regler  and  libral — fasilitiz 
fer  borrerin  unekalled — I  am  kontent.  I  send  a 
few  extrax  frum  my  journal. 

MuNDY,  2d. — Kum  into  Whartensberg  afoot. 
Wuz  rcseevd  with  enthooziasm,  invited  to  drink 
20  times  in  ez  menny  minits,  wich  invitashens  I 
acceptid,  solely  fer  the  good  uv  the  coz.  Hev  in 
cast-iron  bowils,  I  survived  the  trial.  I  found 
here  a  order  called  the  "Limit,"  wich  is  a  good 
thing.  Hcd  a  mectin,  and  added  the  oaths  to  re- 
sist drafts  and  sheltcrin  deserters;  and  after  ex- 


120  TETROLEUM   V.   Ts^ASBY. 

hortin  uv  them  to  stand  by  Dimokrasy,  borrered 
thirty  dolors  and  a  clean  shirt,  and  departid. 
[Poskrip. — The  clean  shirt  I  borrered  frum  a  line 
about  9  P.  M.] 

ToosDY,  3d. — Houktown  wuz  the  next  pint. 
Dimokrasy  all  rite  to  opperate  on.  T^ever  wuz 
in  a  place  in  wich  nigger  wuz  so  hated  and  feerd. 
They  hev  a  holesum  prejoodis  agin  ever}'-  thing 
black.  Wun  old  patriark  shot  all  his  black  sheep, 
paintid  a  black  hoss  red,  and  his  dawter,  a  gush  in 
maiden  uv  thirty- too,  askt  the  objik  uv  her  affeck- 
shins  too  dy  his  raven  locks  white.  A  roomer 
that  a  prove  marshel  wuz  in  the  visinity  did  the 
job  for  him  in  a  single  nite.  Found  em  w^ell  or- 
ganizd.  Addrest  em  at  length,  showin  conclu- 
sivly  that  hed  Linkin  resined  in  faver  uv  the 
hi-minded  Davis,  we  shood  never  hed  this  war; 
that  sech  a  comj^ermise,  and  the  follerin  conces- 
sions, wood  hev  averted  blud-shed,  to- wit: 

The  rite  uv  suffrage  to  be  held  only  by  slave- 
owners, and  sech  ez  they  may  designate. 

The  repele  uv  awl  tariffs  ceptin  the  wun  on 
sugar. 

The  fillin  up  uv  Boston  harber. 

The  suppreshun  uv  the  Triboon. 

The  hangin  uv  Giddins,  "Waid,  Stevens,  Sum- 
ner, and  Oin  Luvgoy. 


IN   THE    "ArOSSEL   BIZNIS."  121 

I  dwelt  at  length  on  the  horrers  uv  amalga- 
mashen,  and  closed  with  an  elokent  appele  to 
stand  by  Vallandigum  and  pure  Dimokrasy.  Bor- 
rered  three  dolers  on  a  prommis  to  remit,  wich  I 
shel  do  sum  time  after  next  Presidenshel  eleck- 
shin.  I  made  the  wictim  ezy  by  given  him  .my 
note.  Wen  men  can  be  made  comfortable  by 
simply  a  note,  I  alluz  do  it,  if  they  furnish  paper. 
Benevolens  is  a  prominent  trate  in  my  karicter. 

Wensdy,  4th. — Van  Buren  wuz  my  next  pint. 
The  Dimokrasy  here  hev  their  lamps  trimd  and 
burnin.  They  indoost  more  soljers  to  desert  than 
any  township  in  the  county,  ceptin  Amandy  and 
Union.  I  organized  a  branch  sosiety  to  wunst.  A 
blessid  feelin  pervades  here.  They  jest  more 
than  hate  niggers,  and  morn  twenty  babies  hev 
bin  named  Vallandigum  within  six  munths.  One 
enthoosiastic  old  butternut  named  a  femail  infant 
Vallandighamia,  and  another  named  his  boy  Val- 
landigum Woods  Bright.  The  boy  hez  a  strong 
constitooshn  and  may  live.  Things  is  Avorkin  in 
Allen.  I  borrered  only  8  dollers  uv  the  fatheful, 
which  I  shel  pay  wen  1  uv  my  rich  uncles  pegs  out. 

I  shel  percede  to  Unyum  and  Orange  town- 
ships immejitly. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 
8 


122  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XXXII. 

WAILETH. 

Church  tjv  St.  Vallandigum,  October  the  14th,  1863. 

I  'm  sad — and  wexed.  My  hed  is  a  fountin  uv 
teers,  and  mine  eyes  distil  dilootid  corn-joose. 
My  hart  is  lead,  and  my  sole  is  pot-bellied  with 
greef.  My  lims  ake  with  woe,  my  manly  form  is 
bowd,  and  my  venrable  lox  is  turnd  white.  0, 
Vallandigum,  thow  hast  gone  to  the  grave,  and 
in  the  same  toom  is  berrid  all  my  hopes.  Adoo, 
vane  world,  adoo!     I'll  be  a  nunnery. 

The  fait  uv  the  people  uv  Ohio  is  seeld.  Val- 
landigum, 

"Our  cliosin  standerd-barer," 

is  not  only  a  exile  far  away,  but  ther  is  a  cheer- 
ful prospek,  wich  is  daily  improvin,  uv  his  con- 
tinnerin  in  the  exile  biznis  fer  an  indeffynit 
period  uv  time.  A  tyrannikle  Presydent  hez 
taken  our  old  habis  corpusses  from  us,  and  per- 
sistently refuses  to  furnish  us  new  wuns;  and  the 
people  hevin  acqwiest .  by  their  votes,  we  lay 
bound  hand  and  foot.  Men  fleein  from  conskrip- 
shen    and    sich,   kin    be    seezed   and   dragd   in2 


WAILETH.  123 

slavery;  cavclry  drcst  in  odjus  bloo  hcz  license 
to  hunt  the  pantin  fugitive,  who,  after  drawin  his 
bounty  and  pay,  changis  his  mind,  and  desires  to 
return  to  the  buzem  uv  his  family,  and  the  shootin 
uv  enrollin  orfisers  and  tax  assessors  will  now  be 
considered  a  crime.     Alas! 

The  news  affectid  me  variously.  I  hed  our 
township  all  fixt,  hevin  distribbitid  tikkits,  and 
knowin  nun  uv  em  cood  skratch  em,  ez  they 
do  n't  rite  enny.  I  reseevd  the  returns  with  a 
gratifide  smile.  "Bless  yoo,  my  children;  you  hev 
dun  nobly,"  sez  I.  Presently  a  currier  arrivd, 
bringin  the  disturbin  intellygens  that  the  north- 
ern countis  give  Bruif  30  thowsen,  and  2  minnits 
thereafter  another  arrivd  statin  that  the  suthrin 
countis  had  got  loonatik  and  given  Bruif  35  thow- 
sen. With  a  hart-rendin  and  sole-tarin  shreek, 
I  fell  a  inannymait  corps  on  the  flore.  *  *  * 
I  awoke.  A  oder  uv  suthin  natrel  filled  the  room, 
givin  me  life  agin.  It  wuz  whisky.  The  worthy 
woman  to  whose  house  I  board,  hed  bin  rubbin 
the  soles  uv  my  feet  with  a  jug,  and  givin  me 
small  dosis  uv  the  restorer  thro  a  funnel.  Her 
exershens  restord  me  to  life  agen.  I  presume  the 
fact  uv  my  owin  six  months  board  did  not  nerve 
her  frajile  arm.     It  wuz  revrens. 

Despondent    and    weery    uv    life,  I    attempted 


124  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

sooiside.  I  mixt  my  lickcr  fer  a  day;  I  red  a 
entire  number  uv  the  Crisis;  I  peroozed  "Cotton 
is  King,"  "Pulpit  Pollytiks,"  and  "  Vallandigum's 
Record,"  but  all  in  vane.  Ez  a  last  desprit  re- 
source, I  attemptid  to  pizon  myself  by  drinkin 
water,  but  that  faled  me.  My  stumick  rejected 
it — I  puked. 

I  am  2  much  prosteratid  to  offer  either  advice 
or  consolashen  to  my  Dimekratik  frends.  We 
air  in  a  stait  uv  abgect  cussitude.  To  see  Waid, 
and  Chaise,  and  Oin  Luvgoy,  and  that  3-ply 
Abolishnist,  Horris  Greely,  feelin  good,  is  prusic 
asid  and  strickO  to  us.  I  shell  seek  releef  from 
my  sorrers  in  the  floin  bole. 

Petroleum  V.  IN'asby. 

P.  S. — The  printer  will  put  mournin  lines  abuv 
and  below  this  letter. 


"changes  his  base."  125 

XXXIII. 

"CHANGES  HIS  BASE." 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  October  the  28M,  1863. 

Paul,  the  aj)ossel,  on  his  way  frum  Geroosalem 
2  Damaskus,  to  persekoot  the  Crischens,  seed  a 
dazzlin  lite  wich  struck  him  blind.  The  old 
Diniokrasy,  on  the  13th  uv  October,  on  its  way  to 
Glory,  to  persekoot  the  nigger,  seed  a  lite  wich 
nocked  it  crazy.  Wen  yu've  suckt  a  orange  dry, 
natrelly  yoo  fling  away  the  peel;  and  if  the  froot 
provd  sour  and  bitter  instid  uv  sweet,  yoo  fling 
it  a  good  deel  further,  bein  disgustid.  Vallan- 
digum's  marterdom  wuz  our  orange — we  suckt 
it  wiggerously;  but,  alas!  quinine  is  sweetnis 
compared  to  it;  to-wit:  I  fling  away  the  wuthless 
peel. 

Myself  and  flock  is  now  all  war  Dimekrats, 
Wc  hcv  alluz  Ijin.  We  never  agreed  with  the 
extreemists  uv  our  party,  and  we  remaned  i]i  the 
organnyzation  only  becoz,  ez  members  thereof,  we 
cood  restrane  it  frum  doing  mischif.  We  wor 
zealus  in  the  support  uv  Vallandigum,  and  workt 
hard  to  elect  him,  only  that,  being  his  supporters, 
and  havin  electid  him,  we  cood  curb  him. 


126  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

Therefore,  all  our  apparent  opposishen  to  the 
war  wiiz  reely  its  most  effishent  support.  I  hope 
the  peeple  will  see  it. 

At  a  biznis  meetin  uv  our  Church  yisterdy 
afternoon,  the  follerin  resolooshens  wuz  past: 

Wareas,  Dimokrasy  flurishes  best  wen  it  is 
successful;  and  wareas,  it  is  a  tender  flower  that 
don't  bare  the  chillin  frosts  uv  adversity  much; 
and  toareas,  the  peeple  hev  shode  by  the  pekoolyer 
stile  uv  ther  votin  that  they  don't  like  Vallan- 
digum  ner  his  principples ;  and  ivareas,  the  i^eeple 
is  uv  moar  use  to  us  than  Y allandigum ;  therefore 
be  it 

Besolvd,  That  Yallandigum  never  wuz  a  rep- 
resentativ  uv  the  Dimekratik  idee. 

Besolvd,  That  we  do  not  indorse  his  views,  or 
approve  his  acts,  and  never  did. 

Besolvd,  That  honist  old  A.  Linkin,  by  arrestin 
uv  him,  and  thereby  forsin  uv  us  into  committin 
polittikle  sooiside  by  nominatin  uv  him,  wuz  guilty 
uv  a  heenus  sin. 

Besolvd,  That  we  aint  ez  much  consernd  about 
our  habis  corpusses  ez  we  wuz  afore  the  elecshen. 

Besolvd,  That  the  war  for  the  Union  must  go 
on  until  its  enemies  is  subj negated,  and  the  ban- 
ner uv  buty  and  glory  waves  over  every  stait ;  and 
the  Dimekratik  committis  uv  the  varius  staits  be 


"changes  his  base."  127 

requesticl  to  procoor  a  sufficient  number  uv  ban- 
ners, and  aj:)pint  sub-committis  to  wave  em. 

Resohd,  That  we  air  in  favor  uv  subjoogashen, 
emansipaslien,  confiscashen,  taxashen,  oonscrip- 
shen,  exterminashen,  nigger  enlistments;  and  ef 
ther  is  any  thing  else  the  peeple  desire,  let  em 
write  us,  (post  pade,)  and  wcel  pass  the  nessary 
resolooshens. 

These  preamble  and  resolooshens  (wich,  at  my 
reqwest,  wuz  past  unanimusly)  strikes  me  ez  kiv- 
ering  the  hull  ground. 

Waitin  and  watchin, 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


128  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XXXIV. 

HAS   AN   INTERVIEW  WITH   THE   PRESIDENT. 

Church  uv  St. ,  November  the  1st,  1863. 

I  FELT  it  my  dooty  to  visit  Washinton.  The 
miserable  condislion  the  Dimokrasy  find  tliem- 
selves  into,  sinse  the  elecshen,  makes  it  nessary 
that  suthin  be  did,  and  tlierefore  I  determined  to 
see  wat  cood  be  effectid  by  a  persnel  intervew 
with  the  President. 

Interdoosin  myself,  I  opened  upon  him  deli- 
kitly,  thus: 

"Linkin,"  sez  I,  "ez  a  Dimekrat,  a  free-born 
Dimekrat,  who  is  prepared  to  die  with  neetnis 
and  dispatch,  and  on  short  notis,  fer  the  inalien- 
able rite  uv  free  speech — knoin  also  that  you  er 
a  goriller,  a  feendish  ape,  a  thirster  after  blud,  I 
speek." 

*'Speek  on,"  says  he. 

"I  am  a  Ohio  Dimekrat,"  sez  I,  "who  hez  re- 
poodiatid  Vallandigum." 

"Before  or  since  the  elecshin,  did  yoo  repoodi" 
ate  him?"  sez  he. 

"Sinse,"  retortid  I. 

"I  thot  so,"  sed  he.     "I  would  hev  dun  it,  too, 


HAS  AN  INTERVIEW  WITH   THE  PRESIDENT.     129 

hed  I  bin  you,"  continnered  lie  with  a  goriller-like 
grin. 

"We  air  now  in  favor  uv  a  wiggerus  prosecu- 
shen  uv  the  war,  and  we  want  you  to  so  alter 
yoor  polisy  that  we  kin  act  with  you  corjelly," 
sez  I. 

"Say  on,"  sez  he. 

"I  will.  AYe  don't  want  yoo  to  change  yoor 
polis}^  materially.  We  air  modrit.  Anxshus  to 
support  you,  we  ask  yoo  to  adopt  the  follerin 
trifling  changis : 

"Rcstoar  to  us  our  habis  corpusses,  as  good  ez 
new. 

"Arrest  no  moar  men,  wimmin,  and  children 
for  opinyun's  saik. 

"Rcpele  the  ojus  confisticashen  bill,  wieh  irry- 
taits  the  Suthern  mind  and  fires  the  Suthern 
hart. 

"Do  away  with  drafts  and  conskripshens. 

"Rcvoak  the  Emansipashen  proclamashen,  and 
give  bonds  that  you  '11  never  islioo  another. 

"Do  away  with  tresury  noats  and  sich,  and  pay 
nuthin  but  gold. 

"Protect  our  dawters  frum  nigger  eqwality. 

"Disarm  yoor  nigger  soljers,  and  send  back  the 
niggers  to  their  owners,  to  conciliate  them. 

"Olfer  to  assoom  the  war   indetednis   uv  the 


130  PETROLEUM    V.   NASBY. 

South,  and  plej  the  guverment  to  remoonerate  our 
Suthrin  brethren  for  the  losses  they  hev  sustaned 
in  this  onnatrel  war. 

"Call  a  convenshen  uv  Suthern  men  and  sech 
gileless  Northern  men  ez  F.  Peerce,  J.  Bookan- 
nun,  Fernandywood,  and  myself,  to  agree  upon 
the  terms  uv  reunion." 

"Is  that  all,"  sez  the  goriller. 

"No,"  says  I,  promptly.  "Ez  a  garantee  uv 
good  faith  to  us,  we  shel  insist  that  the  best  haff 
uv  the  orifises  be  given  to  Dimekrats  who  repoo- 
diate  Yallandigum.  Do  this,  Linkin,  and  yoo 
throw  lard-ile  on  the  trubbled  waters.  Do  this, 
and  yoo  rally  to  yoor  support  thowsends  uv  noble 
Dimekrats,  who  went  out  uv  offis  with  Bookan- 
non,  and  hev  bin  gittin  ther  whisky  on  tick  ever 
sinse.  We  hev  maid  sakrifises.  We  hev  repoo- 
diatid  Yallandigum — we  care  not  ef  he  rots  in 
Canady;  we  are  willin  to  jine  the  war  party,  re- 
servin  to  ourselvs  the  j)oor  privilidg  uv  dictatin 
how  and  on  wat  prinsipples  it  shel  be  carried  on. 
Linkin!  Goriller!  Ape!  I  hev  dun." 

The  President  replide  that  he  would  give  the 
matter  serious  considerashen.  He  wood  menshen 
the  idee  uv  resinin  to  Seward,  Chais,  and  Blair, 
and  wood  addres  a  serculer  to  the  postmasters,  et 
settry,  and  see  how  menny  uv  em  wood  be  willin 


HAS  AN  INTERVIEW  WITH  THE  PRESIDENT.    131 

to  resine  to  accommodait  Diniekrats.     lie  hed  no 
dout  sevral  wood  do  it  to  wiinst. 

"Is  ther  any  littcl  thing  I  kin  do  for  you?" 
*'  Notliin  pertikler.  I  wood  accept  a  small  post- 
orifis,  if  sitooatid  within  ezy  range  iiv  a  distilry. 
My  politikle  daze  is  well-nigh  over.  Let  me  but 
see  the  old  party  wunst  moar  in  the  assendency; 
let  these  old  eyes  once  moar  behold  the  Constooshn 
ez  it  is,  the  Union  ez  it  wuz,  and  the  nigger  ware 
he  ought  2  be,  and  I  will  rap  the  mantel  uv  jori- 
vit  life  arownd  me,  and  go  in2  delirum  tremens 
happy.  I  liev  no  ambishen.  I  am  in  the  seer 
and  yellow  lecf.  These  whit n in  lox,  them  sunken 
cheek,  warn  me  that  age  and  whisky  hev  dun 
ther  perfeck  work,  and  that  I  shel  soon  go  hents. 
Linkin,  scorn  not  my  wurds.  I  hev  sed.  Adoo." 
So  sayin,  I  wavd  my  hand  impressively,  and 
walkd  away. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


132  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 


XXXV. 

PREACHES. 

CuuRCH  OF  St.  ,  Jxine  the  9th,  1863. 

I  PREECHED  yisterday  friim  the  follerin  text: 
"What  shel  we  do  to  be  saved?" 

This,  my  brethrin,  is  a  important  inquiry. 
Speaidn  ez  a  Dimekrat,  who  for  thirty  yeres  hez 
never  scratched  a  tikkit — vewin  things  frum  a 
Dimekratik  stand-pint — I  hev  no  hesitashen  in 
sayin  that  we  need  savin  in  a  eminent  degree. 
The  dark  waives  of  fanattycism,  wich  wuz  mear 
rippeis  in  1856,  were  mountin-high  in  '60,  and 
now  they  roll  uncheckd  frum  Calyforny  2  Mane. 
One  island  is  yet  unsquelched.  JSToo  Jersey  yet 
is  troo  to  Dimokrasy — a  oasis  amid  the  sterile 
desert,  a  green  spot  by  the  wayside,  a  beekon-lite 
to  the  shipwreckd  maryner,  a  whisky-jug  in  Mane. 
Thank  hevin  for  jVoo  Jersey — halleloogy!  I  am 
prowd  2  say  that  I,  yoor  paster,  wuz  born  in  Noo 
Jersey;  that  my  father  sawd  wood  for  the  Presi- 
dent uv  the  Camden  and  Amboy,  and  my  mother 
wuz  his  washerwoman.  Umble  wuz  our  lot;  but 
wat  sez  the  good  book?  "It  is  better  to  be  a 
dore-keeper   at   the   house  uv  Dimokrasy  than  a 


PREACHES.  133 

postmaster  in  the  tents  uv  Ablislinism."  But  2 
resoom : 

Wat  shel  we  do  to  be  saved?  This  inquiry  is 
uv  pekoolycr  intrest  jest  now.  Let  me  ask,  why 
do  we  need  savin  ?  Dimokrasy  is  the  pure,  refind 
salt  uv  the  guverment — to  speek  uv  salt  savin  is 
a  absurdity.  Ah !  my  frends,  wile  Dimokrasy 
savd  the  guverment,  the  guverment  savd  Dimok- 
rasy. It  wuz  a  strikin  illustrashcn  uv  the  eternel 
fitness  uv  things.  So  long  ez  my  venrable  frend 
lied  a  post-orifis,  he  wood  be  wuss  nor  a  loonatik 
ef  he  did  not  sustane  the  guverment  that  give 
him  the  post-orifis.  Every  thing  went  on,  so  long 
ez  we  hed  the  post-orifises.  Wat  we  want  just 
now  is  votes;  and  how  to  get  em  is  the  question. 
Whisky  used  to  do  it;  but,  alas!  the  amount  uv 
whisky  nessary  to  convert  a  Ablishnist  to  Dimok- 
rasy wood  kill  him  afore  he  cood  vote — they  not 
being  seasond  vessels. 

We  lost  control,  my  brethren,  by  bein  stub- 
born. 0!  let  us  dodge  that  fatal  error.  The  last 
elecshen  shode  that  we  cood  not  lode  the  people — ■ 
let  the  people  Icde  us.  Ef  the  people  want  war, 
let  us  be  war  men;  ef  they  want  peece,  let  us  sing 
liosanners  to  peece!  Ef  they  want  war  in  Ohio,  let 
Ohio  Dimekrats  be  war  men,  and  of  Noo  York 
wants  peece,  let  em  be  peece  men.     Our  platform 


134  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

is  broad  cnuff  to  accommodait  all;  and  on  the 
mane  question,  which  is  post-orifis,  we  kin  all 
agree — halleloogy ! 

Hevin  settled  the  matter  uv  faith,  we  will  con- 
sidder  that  uv  work,  for  faith  without  works  is  uv 
no  more  use  than  a  whisky-punch  without  the 
whisky.  Ther  must  be  no  draft — the  men  must 
be  razed  by  volunteerin.  Exstrordinary  indoose- 
ments  must  be  held  out  for  Abolishnists  to  enlist; 
for  evry  wun  who  goes,  stands  a  lively  chance  uv 
trubblin  us  no  more.  We  must  hev  our  voters 
back  frum  Canady.  My  frends,  ther  were  enuif 
good  Dimekrats  in  Canady  to  hev  saved  Ohio  and 
Noo  York.  They  must  be  hum,  to  wunst.  We 
need  em. 

We  hev  not  suffishently  improvd  the  nigger — 
we  neglectid  him.  Ther  is  2  sides  to  the  war 
question;  but  on  nigger  we  air  invulnerable. 
Why?  yoo  ask.  Becoz  he  has  no  frends.  The 
Abolishnists  air  afeerd  to  defend  him,  and  by 
talking  uv  him  to  them,  we  hev  wun  menny  a 
fite.  0,  bless  the  Lord  for  the  nigger !  He  is  our 
tower  uv  strength. 

My  brethrin,  we  hev  a  big  job  afore  us.  Let 
us  dally  no  longer.  Think  uv  the  consekences  uv 
another  defect.  Sech  uv  our  Dimekratik  leeders 
ez  did  not  git  commishns  in  the  army  air  in  a 


PREACHES.  135 

bad  shaip.  They  can't  git  whisky  on  tick,  for- 
ever. Sum  uv  em  hev  got  so  low  ez  to  be  obliged 
to  drink  dilootid  camfene,  wich  hez  a  bad  effek 
upon  the  stumick.  I  tride  it  wunst.  They  must 
be  releevd.  They  must  hev  their  posishens  and 
ther  reglcr  salaries,  for  without  em  ther  stumicks 
is  gone.     Brcthrin,  to  the  breech,  to  wunst. 

My  Church  depuytized  me  to  assertane  the 
wherabouts  uv  sum  Dimekrat  who  hez  n't  exprest 
a  opinyun  sinse  the  war  commenst,  and  tender 
him  the  nominashen  for  the  Presidensy. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


136  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XXXVI. 

PROPOSES   TO    RESTORE    THE    UNION. 

Church  uv  St. ,  November  the  20th,  1863. 

Ther  is  but  jest  wun  way  by  wich  this  wunst 
happy,  but  now  distractid,  govement  kin  be  re- 
yoonitid,  and  that  way  I  hev  diskoverd,  and  shel 
apply  for  a  pattent  thereon.     It  is,  breefly,  tliis: 

Tlie  holdin  uv  a  jint  nashnel  convenshun,  in 
wich  each  Dimekratik  delegait  shel  hev  12  voats, 
to  a  Ablishnist's  one,  for  the  purpus  uv  preservin 
a  ekillibrum,  wich  is  nessary. 

The  restorashen  uv  the  Un3^un  ez  't  was,  to 
akomplish  wich  feet,  the  convenshen  shel  nommi- 
nait  them  pure  patriots  and  hi-minded  staitsmen, 
Jeems  Bookannon  and  Jon  C.  Brekinrij,  for  Pres- 
ident and  Vice,  who  shel  be  electid  by  the  North- 
rin  staits,  ez  a  slite  token  uv  remorse  for  wat 
they  hev  dun. 

The  eleckshen  to  be  held  next  spring,  and  the 
inoggerashen,  and  consekent  distribbushen  uv  or- 
fisis  to  foller  immejitly,  that  the  fatheful  may  be 
consiliatid,  and  the  whisky  intrest  relceved,  ez 
soon  ez  possible. 

Bookannon  shel  git  together  sich  uv  his   old 


PROPOSES  TO  RESTORE  THE  UNION.    137 

Cabbynit  ez  lievent  died  cr  turnd  Ablishnist,  (ther 
plasis  to  be  filld  with  sicli  men  ez  Fernandywood 
and  Vallandigum.)  The  present  war  wood,  uv 
coarse,  stop,  becoz  our  inflaimd  Suthrin  brethrin 
wood  hev  nothin  watever  to  fite  for,  hevin  consid- 
dably  more  than  tliey  ever  askt  for,  wieh  is  hily 
Diraekratik. 

Then  the  armies  wood  be  jined  under  the  com- 
mand uv  that  emmynent  cheeftain,  General  Lee, 
witli  that  uther  overpowrin  stratejist,  McClellen, 
(hoo  resembles  him  in  every  thing  ceptin  his  abil- 
ity,) ez  his  sekond,  the  Confedrit  offisers  bein  all 
promoted  to  briggadeers.  That  the  amount  uv 
steelin  nessary  to  soothe  the  Suthrin  mind  may  be 
lied,  I  sejest  a  war  with  the  French,  lookin  to  the 
conquest  uv  Mexiko.  This  wood  be  a  killin  uv  2 
birds  with  wun  stun,  to-wit : 

1.  Affordin  the  Suthrin  brethrin  a  opportoonity 
uv  makin  good  ther  lossis  in  this  war,  by  takin 
fat  contrax  in  the  next;  and, 

2.  We  Wood  hev  Mexiko  to  divide  up  into 
slaive  staits,  killin  Noo  Ingland  completely. 

Wich  wood  soothe  the  Sutliriu  mind,  and 
squench  the  Suthrin  hart. 

Congris  shood  immejitly  pass  a  act  makin  it 
treezn,  punishable  with  deth,  to  refooze  Confedrit 
skrip  ez  i)ayment  for  prodoose  uv  awl  kinds,  and 
9' 


138  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

also  to  pay  off  the  Confedrit  war  debt  befoar  eny 
tiling  else  is  did. 

I  maik  no  doubt  that  a  large  nuraber  uv  fanat- 
tix  in  the  north  will  obgekt  to  this  consillatory 
polisy,  but  I  care  not.  Our  gelloreous  Constooshn 
wuz  a  compermise,  and  ef  it  is  preserved  to  us,  it 
will  be  by  compermise.  ISTo  troo  Dimekrat,  who 
hez  the  good  uv  his  party  at  hart,  will  say  nay  to 
enny  uv  these  proposishens. 

Ablishnists  and  week-need  Dimekrats  may 
obgect  on  the  ground  uv  the  perpetuation  uv  the 
slaivry  feecher  uv  the  skeem.  To  me  this  lies 
nary  terer;  on  the  contrary,  I  like  it  much. 

Slaivry  is  a  huje  Juggernaut.  Jest  so  long  ez 
we  N^orthren  Dimekrats  lade  flat  in  the  mud  afore 
its  wheels,  we  wuz  not  injoord,  but  merely  shovd 
further  in2  the  mire,  puttin  us,  however,  in  the 
eggsact  posishun  to  ketch  the  ile  that  dript  frum 
the  axels.  But  wen  we  tride  to  stand  afore  it,  w^e 
wuz  smashed.  Dugiis  wuz  a  eminent  wictim.  0, 
let  us  not  only  restore  the  Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz  and 
the  Constooshn  ez  it  is,  but  let  us  resoom  our  old 
posishn  ez  soon  ez  possible. 

Waitin  and  watchin, 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby. 


SALVATION  OF  THE  DEMOCRATIC  PARTY.     139 


XXXVII. 

SUBMITS    A    PLAN    FOR    THE    SALVATION    OF   THE 
DEMOCRATIC    PARTY. 

Church  cv  St.  ,  December  the  2d,  1863. 

I  AM  not  apt  to  change.  Ez  the  Samist  sez, 
"AYunst  I  wuz  yung,  but  now  I  am  old;"  but 
yung  er  old,  it  has  alluz  bin  the  saim  with  me. 
Whisky  strate  hez  bin  my  bevridge,  and  Dimok- 
rasy  my  tikkit,  wun  and  inseprable,  and  I  hev 
stuck  to  cm  with  a  fidelity  ekaled  by  few  and 
serpast  by  nun.  But  the  time  hez  cum  fer  a 
raddykel  change,  in  order  to  saiv  the  good  old 
party  I  hev  ornamented  so  long.  My  reezens 
are  these: 

The  rebel yun  is  played  out.  Our  Suthern  breth- 
rin  is  gone  in.  To  use  figgerativ  langidge,  wich 
will  be  understood  in  the  circles  in  wich  I  am 
akustomed  2  move,  Linkin  has  made  4  alreddy, 
and  holds  high,  low,  and  jack.  So  long  as  ther 
wuz  any  chanse  for  the  15  Dimckratik  staits  to 
succeed,  it  was  natrel  for  us  to  help  cm,  for  then 
we  cood  ezy  jine  with  cm  agin ;  but  ez  they  are 
past  prayin  for,  wat  is  wisdom  for  us?  Clcrely 
to  help  wipe  em  out.     Why?     In  my  skriptooral 


140  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

recdin  I  wimst  found  a  liistry  uv  a  steward  who 
wiiz  about  losin  his  plais.  Like  Hamlick,  he 
soliloquizd,  "Wat  kin  I  do?  I  can't  work,  I 
do  n't  fancy  hoggin,  and  hev  n't  got  the  green- 
bax  to  start  a  grosery."  (Groseries  wuz  cash  in 
Judee.)  A  hicky  thot  emergd  frum  his  Webste- 
rian  intellek.  "I  hev  it,"  sez  he  to  hisself.  "I 
am  yet  steward.  I  will  giv  receets  in  full  to 
them  ez  owes  my  boss,  and  wen  my  day  uv  trub- 
ble  cums,  I  '11  board  with  em." 

The  pint  is  plane.  Wile  in  the  serviss  uv  our 
Suthrin  masters  we  wuz  rayther  hard  on  our  Afri- 
kin  brethrin.  We  did  beat  em,  and  choak  em, 
and  did  despitefully  use  em.  We  can't  count  on 
the  Sutherners  no  more — let  us  elevait  the  nigger 
to  the  plais  his  master  okepide  in  the  party. 
Like  the  steward  aforesed,  let  us  do  good  to  them 
we  was  wunst  tuff  on,  that  we  may  hev  frends 
wen  we  need  em.  Let  that  hory  old  dotard, 
Tawny,  be  assassynated,  and  sum  wun  appinted 
in  his  plais,  that  will  reverse  his  decision  that 
they  hedent  eny  rites  that  wite  men  was  bound 
to  respeck ;  let  Samcox  and  Fernandywood  inter- 
doose  bills  abollyshin  slaivry  in  the  staits,  and 
givin  evry  Afrikin  brother  a  quarter  secshun  uv 
land,  a  2-hoss  teem,  a  red  bunnit  with  artefishel 
flowers  on  to  it — maik  em  sittyzens,  and  then — 


SALVATION  OF  THE  DEMOCRATIC  PARTY.      141 

We'd  get  evry  wun  iiv  em.  This  wood  give 
us  the  fifteen  Siithrin  staits  as  in  the  happy  daze 
uv  year,  and  the  500,000  iiv  our  cullerd  brethrin, 
now  in  Canady,  cood  be  brot  back  to  the  land  uv 
their  nativity,  and  distribbited  thro  Ohio  and  Noo 
York,  so  ez  to  redeem  them  staits  frum  the  rule 
uv  misgided  Abolish — I  meantersay,  Republikins. 
This  plan  is  feezible,  and  pekoolierly  adapted  to 
the  Dimekratik  mind,  wich  is  flexyble — very.  Let 
it  be  adoptid,  and  wunst  more  will  the  good  ole 
party  repose  under  the  shadder  uv  the  Trezury 
bildins ;  wunst  agin  will  the  chozn  few  dror  regler 
salaries;  and  the  nashen  flurish  under  the  blessins 
we  lost  wen  Bookannon,  the  gileless,  rctird  to 
privit  life. 

Petroleum  Y.  JS'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


142  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 


XXXVIII. 

TAKES   A   RETROSPECTIVE   VIEW. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents,     ) 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum,)  December  the  Wih,  1863.  ) 

YiSTERDY  I  lieercl  a  Ablishnist  remark:  "The 
world  moves."  The  observashen  (wich  I  hev 
heerd  frequently  iiv  lait)  set  me  into  a  trane 
iiv  refleckshen.  My  comprehensive  mind  sprang 
hack  into  the  misty  days  uv  the  past,  and  I  wuz  a 
hoy  agin.  Twenty-six  years  ago  I  wuz  a  splittin 
my  symetrikle  throte  a  hollerin  for  Van  Booren. 
Them  wuz  the  pammy  days  uv  Dimokrasy.  An- 
droo  Jaxn  hed  left  us  his  naim  ez  capital  for  us 
to  do  biznis  on,  wile  he  wuz  out  uv  the  way,  and 
coodent  interfere  with  our  steelin,  wich  wuz  com- 
fortable. We  wuz  beeten,  but  wuz  still  strong  and 
viggerous,  knowin  that  we  cood  manaje  to  live 
doorin  Harryson's  reign  on  wat  we  hed  stole 
doorin  Van  Booren' s,  the  fasilites  havin  been  un- 
limitid.  0,  them  times !  Ther  wuz  Cass,  and 
Davis,  and  Dickinson,  and  Calhoon,  and  Tooms, 
and  Bill  Allen,  and  Duglis,  (who  wuz  jest  comin 
in,)  and  Ritchy,  and  Benton,  and  Isaer  Bynders, 
and  Wise,    and   Yankee  Sullivan — a   gelloreous 


TAKES  A  RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW.  143 

galaxy  iiv  intelleetooal  anel  muskeler  Dimokrasy, 
sech  cz  the  world  never  seed  afore,  and  never 
will  agin.  Wuz  Abolishnisni  tolratid  in  them 
happy  daze?  Xot  enny,  0,  with  what  arder 
Luvjo}"  wuz  shot  at  Alton !  How  wiggerusly  the 
Dimokrasy  laberd  to  throw  his  press  in2  the  tur- 
bid waters  uv  the  Missisipi !  Wood,  0  wood  that 
we  cood  hev  sunk  his  doctrins  with  his  press ! 
Did  we  allow  Abolishn  talk?  IS'ary.  These  stal- 
wart arm  hev  hurled  baskitfuls  uv  unsavry  eggs 
at  the  pedlers  uv  polittikle  heresy,  and  my  skill 
in  eggin  Abolishn  lecterers  wunst  made  me  justis 
uv  the  peese  in  my  native  township. 

In  the  South,  every  hill-side  wuz  dottid  with  the 
carcasses  uv  Xoo  Ingland  skoolmarms,  who,  hcvin 
bin  suspected  uv  teechin  niggers  to  rede,  wuz 
justly  hung;  and  the  pleasent  crack  uv  the  whip 
wuz  heerd  all  over  the  land.  0,  them  Arcadian 
days,  wen  it  only  took  20  minits  to  arrest,  try, 
sentence,  hang,  and  divide  the  close  uv  a  Yankee 
skool-teecher ! 

But,  alas !  heresies  crep  in2  our  ranks,  and  ther 
wuz  confooshun.  Van  Booren  bolted  and  bete 
Cass;  and,  notwithstandin  he  repentid  afterward, 
the  Abolishon  pizon  he  interdoost  in2  the  Dinie- 
kratik  body  pollytik,  remaned.  It  broke  out  in 
ugly  sores  in  Ohio,  in  1848,  in  the  shaip  uv  the 


144  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

feendish  Free-sile  party.  Then  Chaise  and  Brink- 
erhoof  sluffed  orf,  and  jind  with  our  ainshent  ene- 
mies. Jest  afterward  the  Anti-Nebrasky  excite- 
ment, cuppled  with  No-nothinism,  whaled  us,  and 
it  wuz  only  by  sooperhooman  eggsershens  that 
we  electid  Bookannon.  Since,  it  hez  bin  notliin 
but  disaster.  Bookannon  and  Duglis  got  by  the 
ears;  Duglis  refoosed  to  cave  to  his  Suthrin  breth- 
rin ;  Linkin  wuz  electid ;  war  ensood ;  and  now 
wat  do  these  old  eyes  behold  ?  Cass,  and  Ben  But- 
ler, and  Logan,  and  I)ix,  and  Dickison,  and  Dave 
Tod,  strikin  hands  with  Josh  Giddins  and  Horris 
Greely !  It  is  a  singeler  fact  that  every  leader 
we  used  to  trust  is  now  agin  us.  And  wuss.  Ab- 
olishn  papers  is  bein  publisht  in  South  Karliny, 
in  Tennisee,  Kentucky,  and  Loozeaner,  and  a 
millyun  uv  men,  led  by  the  ghosts  and  gliostesses 
uv  them  hung  skoolmasters  and  skoolmarms 
aforesaid,  assisted  by  John  Brown's  soul,  wich  is 
littrally  a  marcliin  on,  is  enforcin  a  proclamashen 
freein  all  the  niggers  at  wun  stroak,  and  the  Dim- 
okrasy,  bein  sum  hundreds  uv  thowsends  in  the 
minority,  is  powerless  to  prevent  it. 

Trooly,  the  ^vorld  moves.  It  hez  moved  the 
Dimokrasy  from  the  pedestal  uv  powder  it  wunst 
okepide,  and  laid  it  prostrait.  It  hez  elevatid 
men  we  despised,  and  adoptid  idees  we  scoft  at. 


COMMUNES    WITH    SPIRITS.  145 

Yungor  men  may  shift  and  git  in2  the  tide  agin, 
but  ez  for  me,  I  can't.  I  shel  maik  wun  moar 
effort,  and  if  we  fail — wliy,  then,  I  shel  withdraw 
frum  public  life,  and  start  a  grocery,  and  in  that 
umble  callin  will  flote  peecefully  down  the  streem 
uv  time,  until  my  wether-beten  bark  strikes  on 
the  rox  of  deth,  gittin  my  likker  in  the  menetime 
(uv  wich  I  consume  menny)  at  wholesail  prices. 

Petroleum  V.  N'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XXXIX. 

COMMUNES    WITH    SPIRITS. 

CnuKcii  uv  THE  Slawterd  Ixxocents,  "I 
(Late  St.  VallanJijrurn.)  December  the  19M,  LS63.      I 

I  II EY  bin  for  menny  years  disposed  to  bleeve 
in  speritooalism.  Ther  is  suthin  pleasent  in  the 
idee  uv  bein  in  communicashen  with  them  ez  hev 
gone  before,  as  it  may  be  reznable  supozed  that 
frum  their  stan-pint  they  kin  see  things  in  a  more 
clearer  lite  than  we  who  is  encumbered  with  clay. 
Akordingly,  I  invited  a  distingisht  mejum  to  visit 
my  flock.     *     *     * 

A  circle  wuz  formd,  and  I  wuz  requestid  to  call 


146  PETROLEUM  V.  XASBY. 

for  the  sperit  uv  sum  wun.  Hevin  a  few  Abo- 
lishnists  present,  whom  I  wisht  to  enliten  on  po- 
litikle  topLx,  I  cald  for  Tomus  Jefferson. 

"Tomiis,"  sez  I,  "wuz  yoo  the  father  uv  Dim- 
okrasy?" 

(I  use  my  own  langige,  ez  them  old  fellers  wuz 
not  alluz  elegant.) 

"I  wuz." 

"Tomus,  are  the  party  now  barin  the  name 
yoor  child?" 

"Not  any.  It's  a  mizable  bastard,  born  uv 
John  C.  Calhoon,  and  that  old  hag,  Stait-Rites, 
and  a  low-lived  whelp  it  is.  My  heirs  is  them  ez 
supports  the  guverment  I  help  to  maik." 

"  But,  Tomus,  wood  yoo  hev  us  support  a  Abo- 
lishn  war  for  the  purpus  uv  freein  niggers?" 

The  sperit  rapt  out  with  awful  distinknis : 

"We  hold  these  trooths  to  be  self-evident,  that 
awl  men  is  creatid  ekal,  and  endoud  with  certing 
inaleyenable  rites,  among  wich  is  life,  liberty" 

At  this  pint  I  stopt  the  mejum.  I  knew  the 
sperit  wuz  not  Tomus  Jeiferson,  but  a  imposter, 
hevin  heerd  a  Abolishn  preecher  use  the  same 
langige  at  a  4th  uv  Guly  celebrashen.  I  then 
cald  Androo  Jaxn,  hoo  resj^ondid: 

"Androo,"  sez  I,  "woodent  yoo  like  to  be  back 
on  y earth,  jist  now?" 


COMMUNES   WITH   SPIRITS.  147 

"Yoo  kin  bet  I  wood,"  retortid  he.  ^*I'd  like 
to  liev  bin  President  in  the  place  uv  that  old, 
white-liverd,  black-cockade  Fedralist,  Bookannon. 
Wat  a  hangin  ther  wood  hev  bin !  Ther  wood 
hev  bin  vacansis  in  Congris,  and  jest  ez  menny 
funerals  ez  ther  wuz  vacansis.  As  for  Sowth  Car- 
liny" 

The  communycashen  ceasd,  and  I  heerd  a  sound 
like  the  grittin  uv  teeth.     It  resoomed: 

"  I  'd  string  u^i  Yallandigum,  and  Fernandy- 
wood,  and  Sammedary,  et  settry.  It  wood  be  a 
bad  old  joke  on  them  indivijjles  ef  I  hed  controle 
of  the  habis  corpus;  I  'd" ■ 

I  refoozed  to  hear  further.  This  sperit  wuz, 
also,  ondoutedly  a  impostor. 

I  cald  for  Benton,  who  merely  sed  that  Miszory 
wuz  comin  to  her  senses  in  gittin  rid  uv  slaivry; 
and  for  Duglis,  who  remarkt  that  he  cood  say  uv 
the  temple  of  Dimokrasy  ez  the  Savior  sed  of  the 
temple,  "My  howse  is  cald  a  howse  of  prayr,  but 
)'e  hev  maid  it  a  den  of  theeves;"  both  of  whom 
wuz  onquestionably  impostors.  Another  sperit 
(probably  of  a  deceest  Ablishnist)  sed  that  Bene- 
dict Arnold  and  Judis  Iscariot  hadent  bin  on 
speekin  terms  for  sum  time,  Iscariot  hevin  called 
Arnold  a  copperhed.  Arnold  sed  he  'd  never 
stand  that. 


148  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

Duglis  cum  back,  and  scd  he  had  jest  wun  word 
2  say.  "The  Dimekratik  party  wuz  wunst  grate, 
but  it  hed  got  in2  bad  hands,  and  gone  crazy  as 
a  drunken  bed-bug.  It  needid  new  managers — 
men  uv  suffishent  sense  and  honisty  to  run  the 
party  on  okl  prinsipples.  In  the  okl  hands,  it 
wuz  a  pattryotic  party — a  party  that  wuz  alkiz 
for  the  countr}^  It  whaled  the  British  in  1812, 
and  afterwards  nockt  the  hind  sites  off  uv  the  old 
Fedral  party  for  opposin  it.  It  smasht  Mexico, 
and  afterwards  smasht  the  Whig  party  for  not 
helpin.  Now,  for  the  Dimokrasy  to  oppose  a  war 
agin  rebels  who  not  only  commenst  it,  but  hed 
actooally  bustid  the  party  itself,  is  loonacy  un- 
ekaled  in  the  histry  uv  the  world.  Squelch  them 
tuppenny  pollytishns  who  hev  theeved  the  man- 
tels wunst  worn  by  Jaxon  and  Benton,  (they  look 
in  em  jest  about  as  well  as  a  orgin  grinder's 
munky  wood  in  a  soljer's  overkote,  and  fill  em 
jest  as  much,)  got  on  to  a  war  platform,  and" 

I  did  n't  care  about  persooin  my  investigashens 
enny  further,  pertikelerly  ez  the  Abolishnists  wuz 
all  a  snickrin.  It 's  my  privit  opinyun  that  ther  's 
nothin  relyable  about  it,  Hed  the  sperits  bin 
reely  them  uv  Jefferson,  Jaxon,  and  sich,  they 
woodent  hev  talkt  so  much  undilootid  niggerism. 

However,   it  did   me   very  well.     The    mejum 


TRIES   AX   EXPERIMENT.  1-19 

took  up  a  collccksliun  uv  six  dolars,  wicli,  by  a 
singler  coincidence,  was  the  eggsact  amount  I  lied 
intendid  to  charge  him  for  the  use  uv  my  church. 
He  grumbled,  but  finelly  sheld  out.  I  am  now 
warin  a  new  pare  uv  pants. 

Petroleum  Y.  K'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XL. 

TRIES   AN   EXPERIMENT. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents,  ) 
(Lait  St.  Yallandiguin,)  December  the  2o(h,  1803.      I 

]\Iankind  is  the  most  perverse  and  onrezonable 
beins  uv  the  human  family.  Wile  they  assent  2 
a  principple,  they  never  will  put  it  into  practis 
ef  it  bares  hard  onto  em  ez  indivijjlcs;  to-wit: 

I  had  bin  for  sevral  weeks  deliverin  a  coarse 
uv  lektcrs  on  the  divinnity  uv  slaivry.  I  argood 
that  the  institooshn  wuz  based  upon  the  infecri- 
ority  uv  wun  man  2  another;  that  it  wuz  not  only 
a  wise  but  a  bootiful  pervision  uv  nacher  that  the 
strong  shood  hev  charge  uv  the  week,  a  guidin 
and  protektin  and  a  workin  uv  cm.  Tlie  idee 
plezd    my    congregashen    vastly,    and    fifteen    or 


150  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

twenty  uv  the  strongest  i^erposed  that  it  shood 
be  put  into  practis,  jest  2  show  the  world  that 
the  grate  doctrine  cood  be  carried  out  jest  as  well 
in  the  North  as  in  the  South ;  to  wich  I  assented 
to  wunst,  and  at  the  next  biznis  meetin,  the  fol- 
lerin  plan  wuz  adoptid :  The  members  uv  the  con- 
gregashen  shood  tr}'-  ther  strength,  and  them  as 
cood  lift  600,  shood  own  and  possess,  in  fee-sim- 
ple, all  them  ez  coodent. 

The  trial  wuz  hed,  the  diidzshen  made,  and  I 
wuz  hapj^y  at  bein  the  umble  instrooment  uv 
plantin  the  grate  institooshen  on  Northrin  sile. 

But,  alas !  owin  2  the  j^erversity  uv  the  human 
mind  aforesaid,  it  dident  work.  Old  John  Pod- 
hammer  razd  his  600  with  the  gratest  eaze,  wile 
Bill  Sniffles,  who  wuz  a  workin  for  him  for  12 
dolars  a  munth,  coodent  fetch  it.  Podhammer 
went  over  to  Bill's  cabin  the  next  mornin,  and 
sez  he : 

"Wilyum,  frum  this  time,  hentz4th  and  fur- 
ever,  yoo  air  my  man.  As  all  a  slaiv  has  is  his 
master's,  the  18  dolers  I  owe  yoo,  or  that  I  did 
owe  yoo  afore  this  blessid  system  waiz  establisht, 
I  shel  keep,  and  as  yoo  hev  more  furnytoor  than 
befits  yoor  lowly  condishen,  I  will  send  a  team 
over  to-morrer,  and  talk  yer  bewTow  and  stand 
and  bedstids  up  to  my  house;  and" 


TRIES    AX   EXPERIMENT.  151 

At  this  jimctur  in  cums  Mrs.  Sniffles,  who  kin 
lift  GOO,  with  okl  Podhammer  on  the  top  iiv  it, 
and  it  wuz  no  time  afore  she  diskivered  wat  his 
hiznis  wuz.     She  turnd  red  in  the  face.     Said  she: 

"  Yoor  goin  to  take  my  furnytoor?" 

"Certingly." 

"And  wc  air  yoor  slaivs?" 

"Uv  coarse." 

"And  yoo  kin  sell  my  children?" 

"  laterally." 

"And  yoo  kin  maik  me  yoor  conkebine?" 

"  Ef  I  wish." 

"Yoo  old  beest!"  shreekt  the  infooriated  femail 
chattel,  forgettin  her  normal  condishn.  "You  sell 
my  babies!  You  taik  my  furnytoor!  Drat  ye,  I  '11 
giv  ye  sum  uv  it  now!"  whereupon  she  hurled  a 
chare,  wich  laid  him  prostrait  on  the  flore,  wen 
she  pickt  him  up,  and  flung  him  out  the  dore. 

It  did  not  end  here.  Podhammer  hed  in  his 
hand  a  patch-work  coverlid,  wich  he  thot  he 
wood  taik  with  him,  and  wen  he  cum  to,  he 
walked  off  M'ith  it,  whereupon  Mrs.  Sniffles  hed 
him  took  up  on  a  charge  uv  steelin,  and  he  wuz 
actooally  tride,  found  gilty,  and  sent  to  jail  for  30 
daze.  How  kin  we  establish  Dimekratik  insti- 
tooshcns  wen  the  courts  won't  recognize  the  laws 
of  nacher  ? 


152  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

The  experiment,  for  the  present,  hez  the   ap- 
perentz  of  a  failyer. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasbt, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XLI. 

ADDRESSES   JEFFERSON   DAVIS. 

} 


Church  ttv  the  Slawterd  Innocents, 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum,)  January  the  8th,  1864. 


J.  Davis: 

Ez  a  frend,  I  address  yoo.  I  am  wiin  uv  that 
class  uv  yoor  frends  knone  ez  peece  Dimekrats, 
and  kin  safely  say  that  we  hev  dun  yoo  and  yoor 
coz  jest  as  much  good  ez  any  ekal  number  barin 
muskits  in  yoor  highly  heroic  army.  AVe  hev 
bin,  ever  sence  the  Ablishnists  made  war  on  yoo, 
workin  industrusly  for  3^00,  ez  follows : 

We  hev,  ez  a  rool,  stood  inflexybly  oj)posd  to 
amost  evry  thing; 

We  preechd  that  the  war  wuz  a  Ablishn  war; 

We  preechd  agin  taxashen; 

We  held  forth  agin  conskripshen 

We  discurigd  volunteerin; 

We  encuridgd  desershens,  and  pertektid  de- 
serters J 


ADDRESSES   JEFFEESOX   DAVIS.  153 

We  never  cood  see  a  Fedral  victry; 

We  wuz  alluz  forst  to  aknollidge  that  the  South 
ginerally  got  the  better  uv  us; 

We  never  bleevd  that  yoo  wuz  gittin  short  uv 
pervishens ; 

We  hired  niggers  to  travel  North  to  convince 
Dimckrats  uv  the  nigger  invashen  2  cum; 

We  forst  Linkin  to  retane  Micklellan; 

We  aboozd  Fremont  and  Rosycrance; 

With  uther  artikkles  too  noomerus  to  menshun. 

But,  somehow,  it  hczcnt  workt.  The  Confed- 
eracy hez  bin  losin  ground  with  a  regelarity  frite- 
ful  to  contemphxit.  In  spite  uv  all  we  cood  do, 
volunteerin  hez  gone  on,  and  ef  we  did  kill  off  a 
general,  another  wun  jest  ez  good  ariz  to  take  his 
place. 

Now,  Jefferson,  wat  kin  we  do?  It  is  obvus  to 
the  most  obtoose  intellek  that  the  vandals  hev 
got  us.  Wat  shel  be  the  next  dodge?  Planel}^  to 
secoor  awl  we  kin.  The  Dimokrasy  is  ready  to 
reseeve  yoo  with  open  arms,  but  yoor  repcetid 
detcrminashen  to  die  in  the  last  ditch,  and  sich 
nonsents,  hez  bustid  us  wenever  we  spoke  uv 
compermise  and  sich. 

Jefferson !  the  last  oppcrtoonity  persents  itself. 
Ask  for  a  onerable  peece — a  pecce  not  burdened 
with  hoomiliatin  condishens.  We  kin  engineer  it 
10 


154  PETEOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

SO  as  to  bring  yoo  back  as  good  ez  yoo  went  out, 
slaivry  safe,  yoor  war  debt  assoomd  by  the  gov- 
erment,  and  yoo  back  in  the  Senit.  We  kin  hev 
old  Chase,  and  Waid,  and  Sumner  hung — we 
kin  hev  yoor  soljers  penshund,  and  the  foogytiv- 
slaiv  law  re-enactid,  and  the  territoris  turnd  over 
to  yoo,  and  the  confisticashen  act  repeeld,  and  the 
emansipashen  proclamashen  recalled,  and  yoor 
niggers  restored — th^  guverment  paying  for  sech 
ez  may  hev  bin  kild — and  sech  uther  laws  past  ez 
you  wish.  Ef  Linkin  refooses  to  ackseed  to  these 
resonable  terms,  why,  then  the  responsibility  uv 
continooin  a  unnachrel  and  unnessary  war  is  on 
his  sholders,  and  we  hev  a  ishoo  for  the  next 
campane — a  artikkle  we  stand  very  much  in 
need  uv. 

Jeiferson!  do  this,  and  do  it  to  wunst.  Delay 
may  be  fatle.  He  who  hezytaits  is  lost.  The 
vetrans  is  re-enlistin,  and  300  thowsen  volunteers, 
each  a  John  Brown,  and  led  by  the  original  John 
Brown's  ghost,  wich  is  marchin  on,  is  turnin  their 
faces  toward  Dixie,  with  bayonits  afore  em.  Ef 
yoo  wait  till  June,  the  Confederacy  will  be 
smasht  so  fine  that  the  Dimokrasy  won't  be  able 
to  git  together  enuff  uv  it  to  make  a  compermise 
with. 

Jefferson,  ef  yoo  hev  any  regard  for  yerself,  er 


ESTABLISHES    AFRICAN    SLAVERY.  loo 

for  us,  yooi*  frencis,  do  it.      "Virchoo  is  its  own 
reward."     Be  wise  in  time. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XLII. 

establishes   AFRICAN    SLAVERY. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents,  ) 
(Lait  St.  Vallandiguru,)  January  the  IGiA,  1864.      I 

Trouble  air  a  cumin  upon  me  thicker  and 
faster.  "Men  change,  but  principples,  never," 
hez  bin  a  motto  uv  mine  for  yecrs,  and  bleevin 
in  the  grate  principple  of  the  strong  owning  the 
week — or,  in  uther  words,  slaivry — I  shel  never 
ceese  my  efforts  to  maik  it  universal.  Ther  bein 
a  onrecsonable  prejudis  in  the  minds  uv  the  week 
uv  my  congregashen  aginst  bein  the  pcrpetooal 
servance  uv  them  as  nachcr  hez  maid  to  rool,  I 
called  a  special  meetin  of  my  flock,  to  considder 
the  matter.     I  interdoost  the  matter  thus: 

By  Hager,  I  provd  that  slaivry  was  scriptooral. 

By  "cussid  be  Kanan,"  et  settry,  I  shode  con- 
cloosively  that  the  nigger  wuz  the  idcntikle  in- 
divijjle  who  wuz  to  be  the  sed  slaiv  aforescd. 

Then   it  wuz  put  to  vote,  and  it  wuz  unani- 


156  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

musly  rcsolvd,  that  Afcrkcn  slaivry  be  intcrdoost 
amongst  us.  I  notist,  with  pleasure,  that  the 
poorer  the  indivijjle,  the  moar  anxshus  he  seemed 
to  own  a  nigger. 

Opinyuns  were  then  interchanged.  Absolum 
Kitt,  who  is  a  carpenter,  and  who  never  saved  a 
dohxr,  hevin  alkiz  hed  a  sick  wife  and  a  large 
family  of  children,  sed  he  felt  that  a  grate  work 
hed  bin  dun  that  nite.  The  prowd  Anglo-Saxun, 
whom  nacher  intended  to  rool,  hed  bin  that  nite 
elewatid  2  his  normel  speer.  Hentz4th  ther  wuz 
no  moar  laber  for  him.  He  hed  a  contrak  to  bild 
a  house  for  brother  Podhammer,  and  he  hed  no 
doubt  that  the  brethrin  who  wuz  blest  with  menes 
wood  make  up  a  puss,  and  enable  him  2  buy  a 
nigger  carpenter  to  do  his  work. 

Brother  Podhammer  aroze.  He,  uv  coarse, 
wood  be  glad  to  assist  brother  Kitt,  but  dooty  2 
his  family  reqwired  a  diifrent  line  uv  action. 
His  idee  wuz  to  purchis  a  nigger  carpenter  his- 
self,  and 

"WHAT!"  exclaimed  Kitt. 

Brother  Podhammer  resoomd.  He  intended  to 
buy  a  nigger  carpenter  hisself,  and  bild  his  house. 
The  cheef  beauty  uv  the  grate  system,  and  the 
wun  that  maiks  it  altogether  luvly,  is  that  yoo 
kin  BUY  yoor  labor. 


ESTABLISHES   AFRICAN    SLAVERY.  157 

"But,"  sed  Kitt,  "what  kin  I  do  if  yoo  work 
nigger  carpenters  ?  " 

"Trooly,"  sez  Podhammer,  "I  know  not.  A 
carpenter  kin  be  purchist  for  ^1000,  tlic  interest 
uv  wich  is  |60,  and  his  keepin,  say  $100  more, 
per  annum.  Now,  ef  Brother  Kitt  will  cum  to 
them  wagis,  and  be  modritly  umble,  I  mite,  for 
his  saik,  forego  the  exquisit  pleasure  uv  hevin  a 
nigger  to  flog,  and  still  employ  him." 

"But,"  sez  Kitt,  turnin  pail,  "my  family  wood 
starve  on  them  wagis.  Wy,  I  mite  ez  well  be  a 
nigger  myself." 

At  this  pint  I  lifted  up  my  voise.  I  exerted 
Brother  Kitt  to  patience.  The  grate  Dimekratik 
idee,  that  cappytal  shood  own  labor,  must  be  es- 
tablisht.  It  may  bare  hard  upon  indivijjles,  but 
wat  then  ?  John  Rogers  went  camly  to  the  stake 
for  principple.  Ef  Brother  Kitt  doth  not  like  to 
accept  his  normel  condishen  to  wunst,  he  kin  go 
to  sum  less  favored  country,  wher  the  grate  in- 
stooshon  is  not  establisht. 

Brother  Podger,  a  blacksmith,  sed  he  suppozd 
the  rich  uns  wood  buy  a  nigger  blacksmitli,  and 
let  him  emigrait. 

Brother  Snipes,  a  j>lastcrer,  made  a  simler  ob- 
serwashen. 

Brother  Punt,  a  bricklayer,  remarkt  likewise. 


158 


PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


Whereupon  they  all,  in  corns,  similarly  ex- 
claimed they  'd  see  us  d — d  fust,  and  then  they 
woodent. 

Whereupon  they  reconsidered  the  resolushen 
establishin  slaivry. 

Kitt  and  his  herritix  wuz  not  at  church  last 
Sundy,  and  the  postmaster  told  me  that  they  hed 
sent  orf  a  club  for  the  'Noo  York  Triboon. 

Trooly,  a  reformer's  Jordan  is  a  hard  rode  to 
travel  I  beleeve. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


NOMIXATIOX  OF    MILITARY  MEX.  159 


XLIII. 

OPPOSES   THE    NOMINATION    OF   A    MILITARY   MAN. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents,      ) 
(Lait  St.  Vallandiguin,)  January  the  2\st,  1864.  J 

I  NOTis  in  the  Dimekratik  papers  a  desire  2 
maik  General  Micklellan  or  General  Grant  our 
nominee  for  the  Presidency.  Sooisidel  ijce !  I 
pertest ! 

Time  hezn't  tetched  my  floin  lox  with  frost, 
and  furrode  my  massive  brow  for  nuthin.  Peepil 
hev  sumtimes  douted  my  honisty,  but  my  talcnce, 
never.  I  do  n't  alluz  pay,  but  I  never  faild  in 
borrerin  —  wich  is  useful.  Therefoar,  I  throw 
myself  into  the  breech,  and  demand  a  hcerin. 

I  am  inflexibl}''  opposed  to  Micklellan's  nomi- 
nashen.  I  hev  faith  in  the  soundnis  uv  his  Dim- 
okrasy,  but  nun  watever  in  his  ability.  Look  at 
it.  He  Avuz  placed  in  a  posishcn  to  make  the 
Dimokrasy,  but  instid  he  (by  weeknis)  well-nigh 
rooind  it.  He  lied  under  his  controle  180,000 
Abolishnists.  A  man  uv  genius  wood  hev  de- 
stroyed em  all,  wareas  he  only  sunk  abowt  the 
haff,  levin  the  rest  to  live  and  vote  agin  us,  A 
nominee  uv  the  Dimokrasy  must  be  a  man  able  to 


160  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

controle  uther  men.  Is  he  sich?  Not  enny.  Did 
lie  not  let  that  born  devil,  Hooker,  and  Kerny 
and  Mansfeeld,  (who  wuz  killd,  halleloogy!)  brake 
away  and  fite  our  Siithrin  brethren  at  Anteetum 
and  elsewhair,  killin  jest  ez  menny  Siithern  Dim- 
ekrats  ez  wuz  killd  uv  the  Ablishnists?  Troo,  he 
stopt  it  ez  soon  ez  he  cood.  Troo,  him  and  Fits- 
jon  Porter  lade  out  Pope,  and  kep  him  from 
beetin  our  Suthern  frends  Troo,  he  did  Linkin 
ez  much  hurt,  and  Davis  ez  much  good,  ez  wuz  in 
him ;  but  the  work  he  mite  hev  dun  wuz  only  haff 
dun.  His  ijee  waiz  not  our  ijee.  His  stratejy 
wuz  to  shashay  backerds  and  forerds,  until  both 
sides  wuz  eggsaustid,  and  then  patch  up  a  com- 
permise.  We  Avantid  Linkin  histid  2  ^vunst;  and 
hed  ther  been  a  proper  understandin  atwixt  him 
and  Lee,  Gefferson  Davis  mite  hev  bin  in  the 
Wite  House,  and  we,  the  pure  Dimokrasy,  mite 
not  only  hev  hed  the  post-orifises,  but  hev  bin  a 
revelin  on  the  confisticatid  estaits  uv  Abolish- 
nists,  wich  wood  hev  bin  constooshnel.  I  hed  my 
egle  eye  fixt  on  a  sheep-farm  uv  360  akers;  but, 
alas!  I  got  it  not.  Then  the  iron  enterd  my 
sole!  Then  I  cust  the  imbesility  uv  the  man 
who  swindled  me  out  uv  the  farm  I  longed  for. 
I  '11  nun  uv  him.     Avant ! 

Ez  fer  Grrant,  my  sole  rekoils  with  horror  at  the 


NOMINATION   OF   MILITARY   MEN.  IGl 

bair  ijee.  Wat !  nominait  a  man  whose  willin 
sord  drips  with  the  gory  life-blud  uv  iinwillin 
Dimekratik  saints !  Ts^'ever !  Forbid  it,  hevin  ! 
Marry  the  jentle  virgin  Peese  to  a  soljer  drcnchd 
in  goar!     I,  IN'asby,  forbid  the  bans! 

The  trooth  is,  we  air  gittin  wild.  A  man  can't 
look  2  ways  without  doin  wiolence  to  his  orpins 
uv  viszhen.  Ef  persistid  in,  he  'd  bekum  cross- 
eyd.  We  commenst  with  our  facis  southward. 
Ther  our  hope  lies.  Let  us  keep  our  eyes  that 
way.  Ef  we  nominait  a  war  man,  and  turn  a 
back  spring  onto  a  war  platform,  wat  better  air 
we  than  the  Gentiles?  Sech  jimnastics  are  purty 
to  see,  but  they  rench  the  jimnastist. 

No !  let  us  go  on  ez  we  begun.  Ez  peece  men, 
our  case  is  not  hopeless.  The  new  and  uncon- 
stooshnel  tax  onto  whisky  keeps  the  orthodox 
Dimokrasy  strate,  (tho  at  our  expense,)  and  a 
lucky  Confedrit  wictry  in  the  spring  wood  turn 
the  week-need  war  men  in2  peese  howlers.  Good 
heviiis!  air  we  insane?  Shel  we  throw  away  sech 
wci)ins  ez  taxis,  conskripshen,  nigger,  free  speech, 
et  scttry,  and  bow  the  knee  to  Linkin  ?     Xever ! 

\^'at  we  want  is  these : 

1.  A  peese  man  for  a  candy  da  it. 

2.  Moar  marters.  Ef  the  outrajd  Vallandigum, 
and  Jessee  Brite,  and  George  E.  Pooh  wood,  for 


162  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

the  good  iiv  the  l^arty,  consent  to  be  driven  to 
desprashen  by  the  tyranny  uv  the  Administra- 
shen,  and  commit  sooiside,  it  wood  be  a  trump 
card  for  us.  Wat  movin  appeals  we  cood  make 
over  ther  ded  bodiz.  I  '11  rite  to  em  on  the 
subgik. 

3.  The  formashen  uv  Ade  Sosietis  to  defray  the 
expensis  uv  the  campane,  wich  will  be  enormus, 
owin  to  the  tax  on  whisky. 

4.  Confedrit  victrys,  and  lots  uv  em,  wich  not 
only  kills  off  Ablishn  voters,  but  dishartens  the 
war  men  North. 

5.  The  libra!  preechin  uv  a  pure  gospil,  un- 
taintid  with  Ablishnism. 

With  these  we  kin  win  ez  ezy  ez  I  usd  2  turn 
jack  frum  the  bottom,  wen  I  wuz  in  a  stait  uv 
unrejenerashen. 

A  peese  Dimekrat  for  President!  0,  happy 
thot!  The  forrin  mishns!  The  custom  howsis! 
The  post-orfises !  In  short,  the  trezry !  Let  us 
be  wise,  and  these  is  ourn. 

Petroleum  V.  JN'asby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


PREACHES — "the  PRODIGAL   SON."  1G3 


XLIV. 
PREACHES — SUBJECT:    "THE   PRODIGAL    SON." 


Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 
January  the  31si,  1864. 


} 

My  Brethren  and  Sisteren  :  I  shall  make 
sum  remarks  this  mornin  based  upon  the  bootiful 
Parable  of  the  Proddygal  Son.  I  wood  reed  2  yoo 
the  passij,  but  the  Bible  I  liev  is  the  only  wun  in 
the  township,  and  I  lent  it  yisterday  2  Square 
Gavitt,  who  sed  swarin  witnesses  on  almanacs 
woodent  do  in  hoss  cases,  and  he  hasent  brung  it 
back.     The  skripter  sez,  in  substance: 

Ther  Avas  a  certin  man  who  hed  2  sons.  The 
yungist  hed  a  taist  for  that  branch  uv  agricultoo- 
ral  persoots  known  ez  sowin  wild  oats;  so  he  askt 
the  old  man  for  his  sheer  uv  the  estait.  He  got 
it,  turnd  it  into  greenbax,  and  went  off.  He 
commenst  livin  high — hording  at  big  hotels,  and 
kecpin  trottin  bosses,  and  playin  bilyards,  and 
sich.  In  about  a  year  he  run  thro  his  pile,  and 
wuz  ded  broak.  Then  his  credit  playd  out,  and  he 
wuz  in  a  tight  place  for  his  daily  bred.  The  idee 
struck  him  that  he  hed  better  put  for  hum,  wich 
he  did.     The  old  man  saw  him  a  cumin,  and  ho 


164  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

run  out  and  met  him,  and  giv  him  a  new  cote, 
and  a  order  for  a  pare  uv  shoes,  and  kild  a  fat 
caff,  and  hed  flour  doins.  The  oldest  boy  ob- 
gected  2  these,  sayin,  "Lo,  I  hev  servd  thee  these 
menny  yeres,  and  thou  never  madest  no  splurge 
over  me,  but  when  this  thy  son,  who  hez  fooled 
away  his  pile,  returns,  you  kill  calves  and  sich." 
Then  the  old  man  retorts,  sayin,  "My  son  who 
wuz  lost  is  found;  the  sheep  who  went  astray  is 
cum  back;  let  us  be  merry." 

My  brethren,  this  parable  applize  ez  well  to 
the  present  time  ez  though  it  wuz  made  for  it. 
Uncle  Samyuel  is  the  old  man,  the  Suthern  wing 
uv  the  Dimekratik  j^arty  is '  the  proddygal,  and 
the  Abolishnists  is  the  oldest  son.  The  South 
got  tired,  and  went  off  on  its  own  hook.  It  hez, 
I  make  no  doubt,  spent  the  heft  uv  its  substance, 
and  will  shortl37-  conclude  to  cum  home.  ISTow,  the 
grate  question  uv  the  hour  is — How  shel  he  be 
reseeved?  My  frends,  the  Dimekratik  rool  is  to 
foller  the  scripter  wen  yoo  can  make  a  pint  by  so 
doin.  In  this  pertikeler  case,  godlinis  is  gane. 
Halleloogy!  therefour,  let  us  be  godly.  Let  Uncle 
Samyuel  see  the  repentant  proddygal  afar  orf — 
let  him  go  out  to  seek  him,  er  send  Fernandy- 
wood,  and  when  he  hez  found  him,  let  him  fall, 
not  upon  his  neck,  but  at  his  feet — let  him  put  on 


PEEACHES — "the   PRODIGAL   SON."  165 

• 

to  him  the  purple  robe,  wich  is  royalty,  and  upon 
his  hand  a  ring,  wich  is  dominion,  wich  is  a  im- 
provement upon  Scripter. 

But  the  Abolishnist,  who  is  the  elder  son,  steps 
up  and  sez:  "jS'ary.  He  wuz  a  doin  well,  and  he 
wented  out  frum  us,  takin  awl  that  wuz  his  own, 
and  sech  ez  he  cood  steel,  all  uy  Avich  he  hez 
spent  upon  such  harlots  as  Afrikin  Slaivry,  Stait 
Rites,  and  Suthern  Independence,  wich  last  two 
menshund  is  whited  sepulkers.  I  sent  my  sons, 
Grant,  and  Rosycrance,  and  Bcnbutlcr  after  him ; 
but,  lo !  wen  he  wuz  strong  and  wiggerrus,  he  did 
despitefully  use  them.  Now  that  he  is  week  from 
hunger,  let  him  brindle.  Ef  we  take  him  to  our 
buzems,  let  him  cum  on  his  knees;  let  him  cast 
off  the  harlots  that  hev  sedoost  him,  that  ther 
may  be  no  moar  trubble  in  all  the  land." 

My  brethren,  we  must  taik  him  back  ez  the  old 
man  did  in  the  Bible.  Why?  do  you  ask.  Be- 
coz  he  wuz  alluz  the  old  man's  pet,  and  had 
things  his  own  way.  We  wuz  his  frends,  and 
shared  with  him  the  steel  ins,  but  sence  he  went 
out,  the  Abolishn  brother  and  his  frends  hev  con- 
truld  things,  and  wliare  air  we?  Eko  ansers,  No- 
wliair !  A\'c  okepy  low  plasis  in  the  sinagog,  and 
the  doggery-keepers  go  mournin  about  the  streets, 
and  refuse  to  be  comforted,  becoz  ther  cash  is  not, 


166  PETROLEUM   V.   NASBY. 

and  ef  we  talk  back  the  proddygal,  shorn  of  his 
strength,  uv  what  avail  is  he  to  us  ?  He  must 
cum  back  ez  strong  as  ever;  he  must  bring  his 
harlots  with  him — he  must  ROOL !  Then  shel 
we  hev  the  post-orifises,  and  then  shel  we  agin 
live  on  the  fat  uv  the  land,  dodgin  the  cuss  uv 
labor.  Brethrin,  let  us  be  dillygent  in  this  grate 
work,  instant  in  seeson  and  out  of.  seeson. 

A  collecshun  wuz  takin  up  for  the  purpus  uv 
sending  a  mishunary  2  Massychusits,  wich  yeelded 
7  dolars.  Ez  the  amount  woodent  pay  the  rale- 
rode  fair,  it  wuz  voted  to  apply  it  on  repairs  on 
the  church,  wich  I  did  by  havin  my  boots  haff- 
sold,  and  buy  in  a  new  hankercher. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


DREAMS.  167 


} 


XLV. 

DREAMS. 

Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 
February  the  6th,  1864. 

I  AM  no  speshel  bleever  in  dreems.  The  gulf 
atwixt  the  material  and  immaterial  worlds  is  2 
wide  to  be  spand  by  the  bridj  iiv  sleep,  or  if 
spand  at  all,  the  way  is  2  narrer  to  make  safe 
even  the  passij  uv  a  nite-mare.  [Poeticle  idee.] 
Still,  the  sperit  may,  wen  loost  frum  its  lode  uv 
clay,  sore  oif  in2  the  dim  fucher,  and  retane  a 
porshen  uv  its  impreshns  when  it  agin  okepies 
its  prison-howse. 

Last  Saterdy  nite  I  hed  a  dreme.  I  hod  bin 
a  rcdin  "  Cotton  is  King."  and  seeh  works,  aidin 
my  understandin  with  frequent  drafts  frum  a 
bottel  containin  "  nacher's  last  best  gift  2  man," 
and  I  fell  in2  a  gentel  slumber.  I  dreemd  that 
the  Confederasy  hed  bin  successful,  that  it  carried 
out  its  orijinel  idee,  and  hed  subjoogatid  the 
Northern  Staits.  GefFerson  Davis  wuz  roolin  at 
Washington,  under  the  title  uv  "  Gefferson  I,  Em- 
pror  uv  all  the  Amerikys."  The  Senit  and  Hows 
uv   Repscntativs  hed  bin  dun  away  with  by  de- 


1*68  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

crees,  and  the  biznis  uv  governin  wuz  dun  solely. 
by  the  empror  and  his  ministers.  All  to  wunst 
I  wuz  in  Washington,  a  rolein  along  in  a  gorjus 
carige.  I  wuz  sumwat  surprizd  at  my  persnel 
apperans.  I  wuz  drest  in  flesh-culered  tites,  with 
sandels  on  my  feet,  with  dimund  buckels  onto  em, 
and  on  my  hed  wuz  a  crown,  makin  me  resemble 
a  play  acter  I  seed  wunst  a  playin  Richerd.  Sud- 
denly the  carige  stopt,  and  I  alitid,  and  assended 
the  steps  uv  the  palise.  It  was  a  resepshun,  and 
a  chamberlin  wuz  announcin  the  gests  ez  they 
arriv.  "Earl  von  Seymor!"  "Count  de  Rich- 
mond!" "Markuis  Fernandywood!  "  and,  ez  I 
stept  forerd,  wat  a  gush  uv  exstasy  thrild  thro  my 
vanes  as  the  chamberlin  (who  wuz  little  Samcox,) 
showtid,  "DOOK  DE  NASBY!  "  0,  wot  a  mo- 
ment ! 

My  dreems  continnerd.  Methaw^t  the  nobility 
wuz  made  up  uv  the  offisers  uv  the  Confedrit 
armies,  and  sech  JSTorthern  men  ez  hed  bin  troo 
to  the  Confedrisy.  The  JSTorthern  Staits  hed  bin 
diwided  into  dookdums,  and  erldums,  and  sich — 
my  territory  extending  forty  miles  eech  way  frum 
Wingert's  Corners,  whair  my  dookal  palise  wuz 
sitooated.  Niggers  wuz  dun  away  with,  ez  all 
the  whites,  excepting  the  privligd  classes,  wuz 
serfs,  wich    effectooally   settled  the  question  uv 


NASBYd  DliEAM  UF  UKKATNKSS 


DREAMS.  171 

Afrikin  slaivry.  The  nobility  ownd  the  land,  and 
the  inhabitants  wuz  all  peasantry,  payin  to  the 
lord  uv  the  soil  4-fifths  iiv  the  produx.  I  wuz 
livin  in  stile.  We  hod  subjoogatid  the  Abolish- 
nists,  and  wuz  usin  their  leadin  men  ez  our  meen- 
yels.  0,  it  wuz  magnificent  and  gorjus!  I  arose 
cvry  mornin  with  Sumner  a  holdin  a  bason,  and 
Waid  a  pourin  uv  perfoomd  water  over  my  hands, 
after  wich  Chase  dryd  em  with  towels.  They  wuz 
my  servance !     Poetikle  justise. 

In  short,  Gefferson  Davis,  ez  soon  as  he  lied 
the  power,  hed  declaird  the  idee  uv  men  governin 
themselves  a  failyoor,  and  hed  revivd  the  old 
foodel  system.  France  and  England  hed  assisted 
him  in  cstablishin  hisself,  and  hed  jest  got  the 
thing  into  good  runnin  order.  One  seen  in  my 
drcem  filled  me  full  uv  joy.  I  thot  I  wuz  in  my 
dukel  robes,  in  my  ancestrel  halls,  overlookin  my 
Stewart  (W.  Dennison)  a  reseevin  triboot  frum 
the  happy  peasantry,  wen  I  notist  among  em  sum 
who  hed  refoosed  me  credit  in  the  days  uv  the 
Republic.  Rage  filled  my  sole.  "Away  with  the 
hory  miscreance!"  showtid  I  to  my  armd  servi- 
tors, "  away  with  em  2  the  deepest  dunjun  nceth 
the  castcl  mote!  ha!  ha!"     Just  then  I  awoke. 

It  wuz  but  a  drecm,  but  it  left  an  imprcshen 
on  my  mind.     "If  we  succeed  in  smashin  Lincoln 


172  PETROLEUM   V.   NASBY. 

and  his  guverment,"  thawt  I,  "a  monerkey  must 
ensoo,  and,  who  nose,  I  may  yet  be  Dook  de 
Nasby!"  Filled  with  new  zele,  I  resoomd  labor 
on  my  sermon  for  the  morrer,  on  the  unconstoosh- 
nality  uv  the  puttin  down  rebelyuns  with  mus- 
kets, with  renood  wigger. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XLYI. 


TRIES   TO    AWAKEN   AN    INTEREST. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  DisPBxsASHxm, 

February  the  \Oth,  1864. 


[TO,) 
i.      ) 

The  old  Dimokrasy  hez  lost  its  anshent  sperit. 
I  know  not  why,  but  a  gloomy  forebodin  ez  to  our 
fucher  hez  hed  poseshun  uv  my  sole  for  sevral 
weeks  past.  I  notist  that  the  farmers  belongin  to 
my  flock  wuz  a  savin  up  greenbax,  and  hed  quit 
callin  uv  em  rags ;  menny  refoozd  to  contribbit  to 
the  Vallandigum  Fund,  and  the  colleckshun  for 
the  benefit  uv  the  Confedrit  prizners  at  Jonson's 
Hand  wuz  a  totle  faleyoor,  in  cons^kens  uv  wich 
I  am  doin  without  a  overkote  this  cold  wether, 
wich  is  unclerikle.     And  wuss  than  this — I  hev 


TRIES   TO   AWAKEN   AN    INTEREST.  173 

heerd,  resently,  members  iiv  the  congregashun 
disciissin  the  skarsity  uv  labcr,  and  I  actooally 
heerd  wun  uv  em  dam  Geff  Davis,  instid  uv 
Linkin !  I  felt  that  suthin  must  be  dun,  and  I 
set  abowt  to  do  it. 

I  hed  bin  preechin  considable  on  the  subgik  uv 
a  nigger  imigrashen,  and  ez  the  dislike  uv  nigger 
is  cronic  in  the  Dimekratik  mind,  I  thot  I  wood 
stir  em  up  with  the  nigger  onct  more.  So  I  blackd 
myself  all  over,  and  puttin  on  a  soot  uv  old  cloze, 
I  startid  out  afore  daylite,  pintin  for  Square  Gav- 
itt's,  who  alluz  wuz  a  invetrit  hater  uv  the  nig- 
ger. The  old  man  saw  me  a  cumin,  and  I  spectid 
nothin  less  than  a*  bullet  thro  me ;  but  for  the 
grate  coz,  I  hed  determind  to  resk  even  that. 
But,  to  my  horror,  the  Square  sed  good  mornin, 
and  askt  wher  I  wuz  frum.  I  told  him  I  wuz  a 
runaway  slaiv  frum  Virginny;  that  32,000  startid 
the  same  day  I  did;  and  that  the  rest  wood  be 
along  in  a  day  or  2.  I  spozd  he  wood  bile  at 
this;  but  he  didn't.  He  puld  from  his  brest- 
]iockit  the  family er  old  bottel,  and  inwited  me  to 
talk  hold,  wich  I  did,  wondrin  why  he  wuz  so 
plesent  to  a  nigger.  Alas  for  Dimokrasy !  I  soon 
found  out.  HE  WANTED  2  HIRE  ]\[E  to 
work  for  him.  Ez  the  words  fell  frum  his  lips, 
I  well-nigh  fainted;    but  my  consternashen  wuz 


174  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBT. 

redubbled  when  he  askt  me  if  I  coodent  git  him 
3  or  4  more  kulerd  men!  "Kulerd  men!"  thot 
I,  in  agony.  0,  wat  a  softnin  down  frum  the 
"Nigger"  iiv  a  yere  ago! 

Sadly  I  retracd  my  steps.  \Yashing  off  my  dis- 
gise,  I  felt,  for  the  fust  time  in  my  life,  utterly  and 
entirely  retched.  Wen  Dimekrats  git  to  callin 
niggers  "kulerd  men,"  and  want  em  to  work  be- 
side em,  and  drink  out  uv  the  same  bottle  with 
em,  wat  better  air  they  than  Ablishnists  ?  The 
fucher  uv  the  Dimokrasy  is,  indeed,  dark  and 
gloomy.  We  can't  move  the  peeple  ez  we  ust  2. 
They  pay  the  taxis,  and  say  they  aint  so  hevy 
after  all.  They  hev  diskiverd  that  guverment 
munny  is  n't  wuthless ;  they  won't  talk  eny  more 
about  resistin  the  draft — on  the  contrary,  they  are 
raisin  munny  to  send  Dimekrats  into  the  army, 
wich  alluz  cums  back  rantin  Ablishnists,  a  nockin 
down  peese  men  and  forsin  em  2  talk  the  oath. 
Farmers  endoor  the  high  prices  uv  prodoose  yviih. 
a  pashense  and  ekanimity  wonderful  to  behold. 
Yisterday  Bill  Sipes  sold  his  sorril  mare  for  $150, 
and  insistid  on  lievin  his  pay  all  in  greenbax.  I 
warnd  Wilyum  uv  the  risk  he  wuz  runnin  in 
keepin  so  much  uv  that  stuff,  wen  he  impudently 
exclaimed,  "Stuff!  hay!  Old  N'osey,  that's  playd 
out." 


TRIES   TO   AWAKEN   AN    INTEREST.  175 

"Old  Nosey!"  "Playd  out!"  This  to  his  spir- 
itooal  father,  his  paster,  and  gide !  Whair  air 
we  driftin? 

Wat  we  are  to  do  to  stem  the  tide  that  is  set- 
tin  agin  us  is  more  than  I  know.  A  good,  decisiv 
Confedrit  victry  wood  help  us ;  but,  alas !  I  see  no 
probability  uv  that.  It 's  2  lait  to  talk  uv  com- 
permise,  for  thers  hardly  enuff  left  uv  the  Sowth 
to  compermise  with.  I  'm  sick.  I  'm  sorry  I 
supported  Vallandigum.  I  wish  I  hed  bin  a  war 
man.  My  congTegashen  is  gittin  look-warm,  and 
don't  pay  ther  qwartrage  reglar,  and  the  grosry- 
keepers  air  intimatin  that  before  long  I  must  be- 
gin to  pay  for  my  licker!     Wher  will  it  end? 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


176  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XLVII. 

RECOMMENDS   UNANIMITY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashttn,  \ 
February  the  19th,  1864.      I 

In  my  boyhood's  daze,  wen  life  wuz  all  a 
dreme,  my  buddin  genius  wuz  bein  deweluj)t  a 
a  loggin  with  oxen.  Wun  team  I  hed,  wich  got 
insain  wun  day,  and  insted  uv  pullin  at  the  log, 
ez  well-regelatid  oxen  do,  they  histid  theirselves 
around,  facin  each  other,  and  pulled  until  wun 
hed  dislokatid  his  neck,  and  the  other  I  kild  with 
a  stun  in  a  fit  uv  richus  rage,  and  they  fed  the 
ravens  uv  the  valley,  wich  is  figgerativ  for  the 
childern  uv  the  nigger  farmer  my  father  borrerd 
em  uv.  And  here  let  me  say,  that,  for  ginooine, 
syentific  borrerin,  the  old  man  wuz  ekaled  by 
few,  and  serpast  by  nun.  He  borrerd  a  boss  uv 
a  dokter,  in  colera  time,  wich  wuz  brillyant;  but 
his  shay  doover  wuz  borrerin  a  new  overkote  uv 
a  reddy-made  clothing  man,  whose  naim  wuz  Sol- 
omons. His  last  grate  feet  wuz  borrerin  a  boss, 
lait  wun  nite,  for  wich  he  wuz  sent  2  the  peniten- 
shary,  bekoz  he  omitted  hevin  any  conversashen 
with  the  owner  aforehand.     These  okkerd  in  jN'oo 


RECOMMENDS   UXANIMITY.  177 

Gersy,  and  the  owner  iiv  the  property  wiiz  a  di- 
rekter  in  the  Kamden  &  Amboy,  wich  is  the  only 
okashuns  wher  steelin  is  punisht  in  that  Stait. 
But  2  resoom : 

The  parable  uv  the  oxen  applize  2  the  Dimok- 
rasy  with  grate  force.  Like  them,  we  hev  faced 
about,  and  air  pullin  aginst  cech  uther.  Ez  neer 
ez  I  kin  estimait  it,  the  Dimekratik  boddy  pol- 
lytik  contanes  eight  distink  elemence,  to-wit: 

1.  Them  ez  would  nominait  Micklellan  on  a  war 
platform. 

2.  Them  ez  would  nominait  Micklellan  on  a 
peese  platform. 

3.  Them  as  wood  nominait  Vallandigum  on  a 
peese  platform. 

4.  Them  cz  wood  nominait  Vallandigum  on  a 
war  platform. 

5.  Them  ez  wood  favor  the  war  ef  slaivry  cood 
be  let  alone. 

6.  Them  ez  air  oppozd  to  the  war  in  enny 
shape. 

7.  Them  ez  is  in  Canady,  in  consekcns  uv 
drafts. 

8.  The  betwixt  and  betwecncrs,  who  air  ashamd 
uv  our  party,  and  aint  sootalile  for  any  uther. 
They  air  with  Dimokrasy  ez  the  jNIichigander  is 
with  his  itch — wood  like  2  git  rid  uv  it,  but  can't. 


178  PETROLEUM    V.   NASBY. 

These  classis  is  pullin  and  haulin  agin  eech 
uther,  and  instid  uv  makin  bed  agin  the  common 
inemy,  we  air  frittrin  away  our  strength  and  time, 
a  settlin  among  ourselves  as  2  wat  we  bleeve. 
This  is  loonacy  unekeld.  Troo,  we  hev  been  un- 
fortnit  in  our  political  si)eculashens.  We  made 
divers  and  sundry  ishoos,  and  hev  bin  beat  on  all 
uv  em.  We  prophside  concernin  the  strength  uv 
the  Sowth,  the  wuthlesnis  uv  paper  munny,  the 
immigrashen  uv  niggers,  gineral  rooin,  et  settry; 
but,  alas!  they  awl  faild.  It  wuz  up-hill  biznis 
yellin  "JN'igger!"  "Nigger!"  wen  ther  wuz  no  nig- 
ger; it  wuz  hoomiliatin  2  talk  2  hours  a  convinsin 
people  uv  the  wuthlesnis  uv  guvment  munny,  and 
then  see  a  Dimekrat  sell  a  boss,  and  rite  under 
yer  nose  refoose  to  taik  any  thing  but  greenbax 
for  pay.  It  wuz  desprit  hard  work  2  talk  uv 
ginral  ruin,  wen  every  body  bed  a  pockitful  uv 
munny,  wich  munny  wood  pay  dets. 

These  failyoors  shood  teech  us  wisdum.  W^e 
shood  decide  fust  upon  what  to  bleeve,  and  then 
we  must  all  bleeve  it,  and  go  to  work  to  inockelate 
the  peeple.  It  maiks  nary  diffrense  to  me  wat 
creed  we  adopt;  ez  a  Dimekrat,  I  kin  go  eny  wun 
uv  the  8.  Wat  we  want  is  votes;  and  wat  dif- 
frense duz  it  maik  whether  we  git  em  by  goin 
strate  or  by  weevin  a  trifle.      Ther  air  menny 


AGAIN   REPUDIATES   M'cLELLAN.  179 

rodcs  to  the  post-orifises,  but  ef  we  divide  up  and 
skatter  our  forsis  over  all  uv  em,  we  sliel  be  beet 
in  detale.  We  hev  evry  reeson  to  be  encuridgd. 
Davis  is  strengthnin  his  armies,  and  wun  victry 
won  by  him  will  lay  Ablishnism  cold.  Let  us 
present  a  solid  front  to  the  foe,  and  go  in  to  win. 

PeTEOLEUM   V.    I^ASBY, 

Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XLvm. 

AGAIN  REPUDIATES  M'CLELLAN,  AND  GIVES  REASONS 
THEREFOR. 

Church  xjv  the  Noo  Dispensashtjn,  | 
February  the  29iA,  1864.      ) 

The  ijeotic  ijee  uv  nominatin  Micklellan  ap- 
peres  to  be  gainin  ground  among  the  Dimokrasy. 
Whenever  a  party  gits  a  goin  down  hill,  it  seems 
ez  ef  dubble-distild  loonacy  invariaribly  talks  holt 
uv  the  engineers,  instid  uv  the  cool,  cam  wisdom 
nessary  to  histe  it  back  into  assendensy. 

I  obgect  to  the  nominashen  uv  Micklellan  for 
these  reezns: 

1st  [and  4most.]  We  can't  win  with  him. 
Who 's  a  goin  2  vote  for  him?  The  old  hard-heded 
Peese  Men,  who  objeks  to  drafts,  won't,  bccoz. 


180  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

wile  he  wuz  in  command  he  hiid,  in  the  swamps 
uv  the  Chickyhominy,  the  foundashen  for  a  purty 
hevy  draft;  besides,  he  is  still  drawin  pay  ez  a 
ginral  in  this  unholy  croosaid.  The  War  Dime- 
krats  won't,  coz,  ez  a  orfiser  operatin  agin  the 
Sowth,  he  wuz  not  eggsactly  a  Napoleon.  Indeed, 
a  aggreeved  frend  uv  mine  frum  Grorgy  likend 
him  unto  a  kickin  shot-gun — dangerus  only  to 
them  ez  held  it.  He  has  n't  the  elemence  uv  suc- 
cess in  him,  ez  I  kin  see.  He  wuz  n't  born  uv 
poor  but  onist  parence;  he  never  druv  horses  on 
the  kanal;  he  dident  study  rithmetic  by  the  fire 
in  a  log-cabin ;  neether  did  he  walk  bairfoot,  in 
the  ded  uv  winter,  13  miles,  to  beg  a  Congrisman 
to  git  him  in2  West  Pint.  There 's  no  precedent 
for  his  nominashen.     My  2d  reeson  is: 

2d.  Ef  electid,  he  woodent  be  uv  eny  yoose  to 
me  and  sich  ez  I  am. 

Let  enny  Dimekrat  who  hez  bin  waitin  for  offis 
4  weery  yeres,  look  at  this.  Who  is  his  frends — 
his  neerest?  Wy,  Fitsjon  Porter  and  that  clan. 
I  wuz  a  thinkin  uv  it  over,  and  I  bleeve  it'll  do 
ez  a  rool,  that  the  court-marsheld  and  dismist  orfi- 
sers  air  all  Micklellan  men ;  and,  wen  I  kum  to 
think  uv  it,  I  never  knew  a  deserter  that  wuz  n't. 
Uv  coarse  he'd  hev  to  pervide  for  em,  and  wher'd 
be  our  chanse?    Wy,  ther's  enuif  uv  these  to  fill 


AGAIN   REPUDIATES   m'cLELLAN.  181 

all  the  orfises,  frum  Secertary  uv  Stait  down  to 
the  umblest  post-orifis. 

Agin:  Spozn  that,  ez  soon  ez  he's  elcctid,  he 
shood  conclood  not  to  hev  peese,  and  shood  un- 
dertaik  to  finish  the  war  hisself.  It  wood_be  jest 
like  him,  coz  he  reely  hez  a  ijee  that  he's  a  gin- 
eral.  Then  the  sponsibility  uv  his  doins  wood 
rest  with  the  Dimokrasy,  wich  Hevin  forbid.  To 
think  uv  us  bein  sponsible  for  a  Peninsooler  cam- 
pane!  Uv  coarse,  the  Dimokrasy  wood  then  hev 
to  volunteer.  Think  uv  his  leevin  a  hundred  and 
20  thousend  ded  Dimekrats  atwixt  Washinton  and 
Richmond!  He  wuz  all  well  enuff  wen  the  men 
to  be  left  with  ther  toes  up  wuz  Ablishnists.  It 
wood  be  sooiside  on  an  onparalleld  scale  to  trust 
him  with  that  menny  Dimekrats.  Agin  I  say, 
Hevin  forbid! 

We  want  a  pccse  man.  There 's  no  room  for 
us  ennywheres  else;  ncether  kin  we  face  2  ways. 

1  wunst  attendid  a  scrkus,  and  beheld  with  aston- 
ishment the  trooly  grate  feets  uv  hossmanship  and 
sich.  Wun  rider,  who  wuz  also  the  moral  and 
instructive  injy-rubber  man,  wuz  iiitoxicatid,  and 
consectid  he  cood  ride  2  bosses,  eech  goin  a  dif- 
frent  way.  Tyin  his  feet  to  the  spiritid  steeds,  he 
startid  em ;  but,  alars !  in  a  second  he  wuz  ript  in 

2  peeses,  and  the   arena  wuz    drencht  with  his 


182  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

goar.  Let  us  talk  warnin  by  his  sad  fait.  Our 
boss  is  not  a  war-lioss — his  naim  is  Peese,  and 
we  must  hev  a  man  upon  whose  garmence  ther 
is  no  smell  uv  blood.  The  gentle  Brite,  the 
grate  Vallandigum,  the  akoot  Fernandywood,  the 
elegant  Samcox,  enny  wun  uv  that  pecoolyer 
stripe  will  do  us,  and  give  us  ground  to  go  on. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XLIX. 

ORDAINS   A   MISSIONARY. 


Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensashtin, 
March  the  11th,  1864. 


} 

Last  Sundy  we  hed  an  improvin  seezn.  Rob- 
bert  Tooms  Punt,  who  liez  bin  a  studyin  for  the 
ministry  with  me  for  the  past  4  weeks,  wuz  licenst 
and  ordaind.  He  is  a  yooth  uv  much  promise. 
He  votid  twict  for  Bookannon,  and  only  18  yeres 
old,  swarin  his  votes  in  with  a  coolnis  and  eese 
that  eggscitid  the  admirashen  uv  the  patriarks  at 
the  biznis.  I  kin  safely  say  that  he  hez  whald 
moar  Ablishnists,  bustid  moar  Methodist,  Breth- 
rin,  and  uther  hetrodox  Churches,  than  any  Dime- 


ORDAINS   A   MISSIOXARY.  183 

krat  uv  his  age  in  the  Stait.     He  licz  a  Lrilyunt 
fucher. 

After  the  usual  qwestions  wuz  put  2  him,  and 
satisfactroly  ansercd,  the  congregashcn  wuz  dis- 
mist,  and,  in  the  presents  uv  the  elders  and  de- 
kuns  alone,  I  delivered  the  follerin 

CHARGE. 

Brother — Ilevin  bin  reglerly  ordained,  it  only 
remanes  for  me  to  giv  yoo  a  word  uv  council. 
Yoo  air  a  goin  in2  the  apossel  biznis  at  a  rayther 
unfavrable  time.  Man,  wich  is  born  uv  woman, 
hez  trubble  for  his  inheritance.  I  've  hed  so  much 
uv  it  that,  of  I  hed  it  to  do  over  agin,  I  woodent 
be  born  at  all. 

The  politikle  hevins  is  orecast  with  poreten- 
shus  clowds.  The  litenin  uv  Avrath  is  leapin  frum 
wun  to  anuther,  wilst  the  thunder,  wich  wuz  w^unst 
at  a  distance,  now  rores  angrily  in  our  ears. 
(Grafic  ritin.)  The  ole  ship  Dimokrasy  is  tossin 
madly  onto  the  wild  waivs,  with  nary  a  sale  set, 
her  seams  open,  the  water  (a  fiirrin  element  to 
her  insides)  a  rushin  in.  The  stiddiest  part  uv 
her  crew  hev  seezd  the  botes  and  abandoned  her, 
and  the  rest  uv  em  air  a  fitin  for  the  helm. 

In  the  mean  time  the  ole  ship  is  dashin  past 
the  haven   uv  Success,   and  is   hcdin  strate  for 


184  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

the  rox  uv  Destrucshen.  To  yoo  is  intrusted  a 
part  uv  the  work  uv  savin  her.  Let  me  entreet 
yoo— 

1.  Avoid  the  soljers.  With  them  yoo  hev 
nothin  in  common.  They  will  despitefully  use 
yoo.  Wunst  a  party  uv  em  made  me  drink  a 
pint  uv  water  and  taik  the  oath  uv  allejinse,  wich 
outragis  wuz  follerd  by  conjestion  uv  the  bowils 
and  inflamashen  uv  the  brane. 

2.  Alluz  preech  agin  the  nigger.  It's  soothin 
to  a  ginooine,  constooshnel,  Suthern-rites  Dime- 
krat  to  be  constantly  told  that  ther  is  a  race  uv 
men  meaner  than  he  is.  Besides,  it's  safe — 
the  nigger  hez  no  vote.  Ef  he  hed,  we  might 
vary. 

3.  Alluz  hev  a  marter.  The  Stait-rites  Dimok- 
rasy  alluz  simpathyze  with  a  man  that's  in  bas- 
teels  for  simpathisin  with  the  Sowth,  for  nun  uv 
em  know  how  soon  their  turn  may  kum. 

4.  Preech  agin  amalgamashen  at  leest  4  Sun- 
days per  munth.  A  man  uv  straw  that  yoo  set 
up  yerself  is  the  eesiest  nockt  down,  pertikelerly 
if  yoo  set  him  up  with  a  view  uv  nockin  uv  him 
down. 

5.  Alluz  diloot  yoor  whisky  for  new  converts. 
It  talks  much  to  convert  a  Ablishnist,  and  ef  yoo 
use  the  pure  artikkle,  it  wood  kill  a  ordnary  con- 


ORDAINS   A   MISSIOXARY.  185 

stooshn  afore  he  'd  hev  time  to  vote,  wicli  wood 
be  aggervatin. 

6.  Sardi  the  skripters  fathefully  for  sech  pas- 
sagis  ez  "Cussid  be  Kanan,"  " Servance,  obey  yoor 
masters."  and  sich. 

7.  Learn  to  rede,  or  at  least  git  the  shaip  uv 
the  letters  so  fixt  in  yoor  mind  that  when  yoo 
qwote  frum  a  book  or  noosepaper,  you  will  hold 
it  rite  side  up.  Eddicashen  hez  bin  a  grate  help 
2  me. 

8.  Lorn  to  spell  and  pronownce  Missenegen- 
egenashun.     It's  a  good  word. 

The  grate  leadin  ijces  uv  our  sekt,  wich  it  is 
yoor  dooty  to  inkulkait,  is  these :  The  nigger 's  a 
ape,  Linkin  a  goriller,  Jeff  Davis  a  chrischen  gen- 
tleman, the  rebcllyun  a  struggle  for  rites,  the  sol- 
jer  a  bluddy  tool,  Benbutler  a  beest,  et  settry. 
Yoo  air  noA'er  2  bleeve  in  Fcdral  victrys,  but 
must  alluz  credit  Confcdrit  successes.  I  woodent 
advise  yoo  to  let  yoor  faith  in  the  Confedrisy  go 
so  fur  as  to  talk  their  skrip  on  yer  salary,  neether 
wood  I  burn  greenbax.  I  hev  dun.  Go,  my 
brother.  Let  yer  polar  star  be  Dimokrasy,  yer 
rallyin  cry,  "The  Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz — the  Con- 
stooshn  ez  it  is,"  wich  is  latitoodhius ;  fite  the 
good  fite,  and  the  day  will  cum  wen  yoo  kin  lay 
orf  yer  armor,  and  with  "  T.  M."  after  yoor  naim, 
12 


186  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

engoy  the  repose  that  alluz  follows  well-directid 
and  wiggerus  effort. 

Brother  Punt  startid  to-day  for  Suthern  Illinoy, 
wher  he  hez  a  congregashen. 

Petroleum  Y.  Xasby, 
Paster  iiv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


L. 

WILL   SUPPORT   M'CLBLLAN. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispens^^shcn, 
April  the  1st,  1864. 


} 

I  AM  a  reeznable  man,  and  am  distingisht  for 
not  quarrelin  with  my  bred  and  butter,  perwidin 
I  kin  assertane  the  lokashen  uv  the  bred  and 
butter  aforesed  with  any  reznable  degree  uv  ser- 
tenty.  Akootnis  in  the  matter  uv  bred  and  butter 
is  a  trate  in  all  uv  the  Nasby  family,  ceptin  warn, 
who  is  carryin  a  muskit  at  |13  per  munth,  for 
prinsipple,  ez  he  sez.     We  hev  repoodeatid  him. 

The  Dimokrasy  appere  to  want  Micklellan.  Ef 
he  is  the  only  man  we  kin  elect,  I  am  kontent.  I 
hev  alluz  bin  a  peese  man,  but  expeejens}^,  which 
is  the  classikle  fraze  for  bred  and  butter,  mite  in- 
doose  me  to  flop.  I  am  ust  2  sich.  For  a  Dim- 
ekrat  who  hez  votid  Bank  and  Anti-bank,  Tariff 


WILL   SUPPORT   m'cLELLAX.  187 

and  Anti-tariff,  SLavery  and  Anti-slavery,  Xc- 
brasky  and  Anti-Xebrasky,  and  who  licz  sum- 
times  bin  on  both  sides  uv  the  saim  question  to 
wunst,  for  sich  a  wun,  I  say,  to  hesitait  now  wood 
be  like  the  man  in  the  Skripter,  who  straned  at  a 
gate  and  swallerd  a  saw-mill. 

Let  Micklellan  give  bonds  to  perform  as  folloze, 
and  I  'm  his  huckleberry ;  otherwise  I  'm  agin 
him,  wun  and  indivisible,  now  and  furevcr.  I 
want  him  to  stipelatc: 

1.  That  the  deserters  and  dismist  orfisers,  sich 
ez  Fitsjon  Porter,  et  ah,  shel  hev  not  over  haff 
the  appintments,  givin  us  a  fair  show. 

2.  That  he  shel  patch  up  a  peese  with  his  Suth- 
ern  frends  ez  soon  ez  possible  after  his  innog- 
gerashen. 

3.  That  ef  it  shood  be  decided  that  the  interests 
uv  the  Dimekratik  party  reqwire  a  continooence 
uv  the  war,  and  a  appele  shel  be  made  for  Dim- 
ekratik volunteers,  he  shel  not,  under  enny  ser- 
kumstancis  watever,  at  eny  time,  er  in  eny  plais, 
interfere,  in  eny  shaip,  with  the  manijment  u\-  tlio 
armis,  ceptin  them  as  may  be  drafted  from  Ab- 
lishn  dcestriks. 

4.  That,  ez  a  garanty  that  justis  shel  be  dun 
them  ez  hez  fought  the  soljers  in  the  North,  the 
follerin  Cabbynit  shel  be  appinted: 


188  PETROLEUM  V.   NASBY. 

Fernandywoocl,  Sekortary  uv  Stait. 

Jesse  D.  Brite,  Sekertary  uv  War. 

Sammedary,  Sekertary  uv  the  JSTavy. 

F.  Peerse,  P.  M.  Genral. 

5.  These  shel  hev  the  fust  pick  uv  the  orfises 
for  ther  frends.  (Ez  nun  uv  em  ever  hed  a  frend 
m  the  Fedral  armies,  the  peese  men  wood  be  per- 
fickly  safe  under  this  arrangement.) 

Let  MickleUan  maik  these  pledgis,  and  I  '11  sup- 
port him,  and  bring  with  me  my  entire  Church. 
I  will  deny  all  I  ever  sed  agin  him.  I  will  maik 
affidavits  that  he  is  the  fust  genral  uv  the  age. 
I  will  sware  to  bein  a  original  Micklellan  man, 
alluz  recognizin  in  him  a  master  mind,  and  the 
only  man  capable  uv  savin  the  country,  and  maik 
sech  uther  affidavits  ez  may,  frum  time  to  time, 
be  nessary.  Let  this  be  dun  and  we  may  possi- 
bly beet  Linkin. 

Peteoleum  y.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


GIVES   THANKS.  189 


LI. 
GIVES    THANKS. 


Chukcii  uv  the  Noo  DisPENSAsniry, 
May  the  4th,  1864-. 


To  THE  Fatheful  :  The  recent  wictrys  acheevd 
by  our  fronds  in  the  Sowth  is  worthy  uv  speshel 
thanksgivin.  I  ther4:  direct  that  the  follerin  sam 
shel  be  chantid  in  evry  church  on  the  last  Sundy 
in  May: 

a  SAM  UV  pkaze! 

I  wuz  cast  down  and  trodded  under  foot. 

Becoz  the  wicked  wuz  exalted,  and  the  saints 
wuz  umbled. 

Becoz  the  people  worshipt  Linkin  and  spat 
upon  Yallandigum;  becoz  they  trustid  Chais,  and 
woodent  hev  nuthin  to  do  with  Fernandywood  at 
no  price. 

Becoz  the  hosts  uv  Linkin  pervaled  over  the 
hosts  uv  Jeff. 

There4  my  mind  wuz  trubbled  and  my  sole  wuz 
constipatid. 

And  I  cast  ashes  upon  my  hod,  and  bcwalid, 
sayin : 

Wo  is  me. 


190  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

Linkin  will  agin  sit  in  high  places — him  and 
his  servance — and  we  shel  hunt  our  holes. 

Ther  shel  be  uv  apintments  and  places  uv  profit 
a  thowsand  and  ten-skore,  but  for  us  nary  wun. 

Our  enemies  shel  hev  post-orifises  and  shel  be 
clothed  in  goodly  raiment,  while  we  shel  hev  to 
dig  or  beg. 

Our  food  shel  be  sorrer,  and  our  whisky  shel 
be  made  week  with  our  own  teers. 

Thus  weptid  we. 

But  our  sorrer  wuz  turnd  to  goy  and  our  wail- 
ins  to  gladnis. 

For  Forrest  hath  smoted  the  niggers  at  Fort 
Pillow,  and  sj)ared  not  one.     [Hunky.] 

And  Dick  Taylor  hez  whipt  Banks  at  Red 
River.     [Hunky.] 

And  Hoke  hez  tooken  Plymuth,  and  slayd  the 
defenders  thereof.     [Hunky.] 

And  Lee,  him  who  aforetime  spiled  Micklellan, 
and  Burnside,  and  Hooker,  shel  chaw  up  Grrant; 
yea,  he  will  bust  him. 

And  he  shel  talk  Washinton;  and  Linkin,  and 
Chais,  and  Seward  shel  be  hung  upon  a  gallus 
forty  kubits. 

Then  shel  the  fatheful  hev  ther  rewards,  and 
be  happy  for  keeps. 

For  niggers  shel  be  plenty,  and  evry  wun  shel 


GIVES    THANKS.  191 

hev  uv  them  men-servance  and  made-servance, 
and  home-made  servance,  and  conkebines. 

And  the  rivers  shel  be  whisky,  and  the  banks 
thereof  sugar,  and  the  fatheful  shel  drink  their 
fill. 

And  I  shel  borrer  no  more ;  for,  lo !  I  shel  revel 
upon  the  spoils  uv  the  Abolish. 

And  my  noze  shel  shine  ez  the  fire,  and  my  face 
shel  glisten  with  fatnis. 

Sing  a  new  song,  0  my  peeple,  for  uv  lait  did 
ye  sing  small! 

Maik  a  joyful  noise,  for  yer  enimiz  shel  be  put 
under  yer  feet,  and  you  shel  hev  post-orifisis. 

Note  to  the  Pasters. — Ef  Grant  whips  Lee, 

maik  a  fast  uv  the  day,  and  omit  the  last  hafi'  uv 

the  sauL 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


ld'2  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

LII. 

WAILETH. 

Church  tjt  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ] 

May  the  IQth,  1864.      I    ^ 

To  THE  Churchis:  A  clamity  hez  befallen  us! 
Lee  is  whald.  This  afilickshen  hez  bin  sent  for 
sum  good  perpus.  We  hev  not  bin  fatheful,  and 
hev  bin  chastizd.  0,  how  we  must  hev  neg- 
lectid  our  dootis,  to  hev  brot  this  upon  us !  Hev 
we  resistid  drafts  ez  we  shood?  Hev  we  bin  in- 
stant, in  seezn  and  out  uv  seezn,  in  killin  niggers? 
Hev  we  used  doo  dillygense  in  mobbin  hetrodox 
Churches?  For  these  and  uther  short-cumins  we 
are  now  j^ayin.  The  follerin  sam  uv  hoomilia- 
shen  will  be  chantid  on  the  sekund  Sundy  uv 
Joon,  in  all  the  Churchis  in  my  dyocese: 

A  wale! 

Lift  up  yer  voices  mournfly,  0  my  people ! 

Howl,  0  ye  saints !  howl  like  unto  the  hungry 
wolf,  and  the  disapinted  jackal. 

Cry  out  like  wun  who  hath  a  grate  pane — like 
him  who  suffreth  with  bellj^-ake. 

Cast  ashes  upon  yer  hed,  0  Fernandywood,  and 
clothe  yerself  in  sack-cloth. 


WAILETH.  193 

Hcv  anutlier  coleckshun  taken  up,  0  Yallandi- 
gum,  and  pay  yer  board  a  yere  or  2  in  advanse, 
for  yer  exel  is  lengthend. 

Weep  and  wale,  and  nasli  yer  teeth,  0  Dimok- 
rasy,  for  yoo  liev  bin  measured,  and  yer  coffin  or- 
dered, and  the  day  uv  yer  funeral  apinted ;  and, 
lo !  the  corpse  will  be  reddy. 

For  the  biter  hez  bin  bit ;  yea,  the  strong  man 
hez  bin  overkum. 

Grant,  who  wuz  to  hev  bin  whipt,  wuz  not 
whipt;  on  the  contrary,  quite  the  reverse. 

And  Lee,  him  we  sot  our  harts  upon,  hez  bin 
beeten,  and  grate  hez  bin  the  slawter  uv  his  host. 

And  Beest  Butler  will  take  Richmond,  and  will 
not  be  hangd,  ez  we  prayd. 

And  the  Confedracy  will  be  strangled,  and 
Liiikin  will  be  President,  and  the  offisis  will  be 
lost  to  us  forever  and  forever. 

Uv  wat  avale  to  us  wuz  Fort  Filler,  or  Ply- 
muth,  or  Red  River?  Lo!  they  were  but  flea- 
bites  on  the  back  uv  a  giant. 

For  in  Verginny  hev  we  bin  chawd  up,  egre- 

And  our  week-kneed  wuns,  them  ez  wantid  peece 
last  month,  hev  bekum  blud-thirsty,  and  hooroar 
for  Linkin. 

Wale,  ye  saints ! 


194  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

For  we  hev  chained  ourselves  to  a  corpse,  and 
the  corpse  stinkcth. 

Die,  0  Micklellan,  for  yoo  woodent  sell  at  the 
rate  uv  a  dollar  a  dozen,  ef  playd-out  genrals  wuz 
in  demand. 

Thou,  too,  0  Vallandigum,  for  yer  marterdum 
woodent  win. 

Steel  wiggerusly,  0  Fernandywood,  for  it 's  yer 
last  chance. 

For  wen  the  grate  Sowth  fiddled,  did  we  liot 
alluz  dance?  and  now  that  she  dieth,  shel  we  not 
go  and  do  likewise?  f  Petroleum. 

I  am  well-nigh  distractid !  For  forty  years  the 
Dimekratik  party  hez  bin  2  me,  litterally,  wittles 
and  drink.  For  forty  years  hez  it  been  my 
pleezin  and  profitable  dooty  to  leed  a  Dimekratik 
flock,  livin  luxyoorisly  oif  uv  the  sheerins.  My 
dreme  is  ore.  In  a  few  short  munths  ther  won't 
be  no  Dimokrasy,  and  wat  then?  I  aint  adaptid 
to  no  other  party.  Wunst  I  undertook  to  pass 
myself  orf  ez  a  Republikin,  at  wun  uv  ther  con- 
venshuns. 

"My  jentle  frend,"  did  wun  uv  them  remark, 
skanning  my  jigantik  noze,  wich  is  the  beauty  and 
glory  uv  my  face,  "  my  jentle  frend,  art  thou  wun 
uv  us?" 


FREM0^"T'S   XOMINATION.  195 

"Verily,  am  I,"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he,  looking  at  my  noze  agin,  "ef 
yoo  wiiz  in  my  township,  and  wantid  to  act  with 
us,  I  shood  reqwire  bonds." 

I  mite  start  a  grocery,  but  ef  the  Dimekratik 
party  expires,  wat'll  that  biznis  be  worth? 
In  my  old  age  am  I  bereevd. 
In  tribelashen, 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


LIII. 

FREMONT'S    NOMINATION. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  \ 
June  the  2d,  1864.      I 

Halleloogy! 

Now  is  the  winter  uv  our  diskontent  made  gel- 
lorious  summer.  The  clowds  that  o'ercast  the 
perlitticle  horyzon  is  break,  and  rays  frum  the 
sun  uv  success  hev  peerced  em,  gildin  the  noses 
uv  the  fatheful  with  a  rajence  that  whisky  can 
not  give. 

Honey  hez  cum  out  uv  a  karkis — good  hez 
percecded  frum  Nazzyrcth.     The  Raddykcls  hev 


196  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

nominated  Fremont!  Halleloogy!  They  did  it 
at  Cleveland. 

I  never  votid  for  Fremont.  In  '56  I  did  n't 
like — in  fact,  I  aboosed  him.  I  laft  at  him  for 
partin  his  hare  in  the  middle ;  I  accoosed  him  uv 
being  a  Cathlic,  and  uv  steelin  cattle  frum  the 
guverment.  Wen  Linkin  appinted  him  genral,  I 
aboosed  him  agin,  and  more  than  ever  wen  he 
ishood  his  Emansipashen  Proclamashen. 

But  now  I  diskiver  that  I  hev  did  him  a  grev- 
ous  wrong.  The  most  bekomin  way  a  man  kin 
part  his  hare  is  in  the  middle ;  the  steelin  uv  cat- 
tle frum  guverment  is  a  act  that  no  man  who  sup- 
ported Bookannon  can  condemn,  and  his  Abolish- 
nism — why,  he  's  to  be  pitied  for  that. 

Uv  coarse  no  Dimekrat  can  vote  for  him,  for 
ther  is  a  triflin  difference  in  our  principples;  yet 
about  a  haff  uv  the  Abolishn  party  ought  to  do  it 
by  all  means.  John  C.  is  the  man  for  them,  on- 
doubtedly. 

But  wether  he  gits  menny  votes  or  few,  his  bein 
nominated  is  salvashen  to  us.  Every  vote  he 
gits  Linkin  won't  git,  and  then  what 

The  bair  thot  almost  OA^erpowers  me.  We  kin 
elect  a  Dimekrat ! 

This  movement  puts  a  new  face  upon  affairs. 
We  needn't  be  pertikelerly  anxshus  enny  moar 


Fremont's  nomixation.  197 

for  Lee's  success;  in  fact,  I  bleeve  it  wood  be 
better  for  us  2  hev  Grant  whip  Lee  and  taik 
Richmond.  For  why?  Becoz.  Spozn  about  the 
time  the  Confederasy  is  playd  out  we  elect  a  Dim- 
ekrat,  and  spozn  that  Dimekrat  lets  up  on  em,  re- 
stoars  ther  niggers,  pardons  em,  pays  ther  debts, 
compensaits  them  ez  hez  sustaned  losses  in  the 
war,  and  penshens  ther  widders,  woodent  they  let 
us  hev  the  heft  uv  the  orfisis  awhile  ?  Uv  coarse 
they  wood. 

I  segest  that  the  committis  who  air  takin  up 
colleckshuns  for  Vallandigum  send  the  munny 
forthwith  to  Fremont's  Execootiv  Committy.  I 
shcl  taik  up  a  colleckshun  in  my  congregashen 
immediately  for  that  purpus. 
Reinwiggoratid, 

Petroleum  V.  jSTasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


198  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LIV. 

NOMINATES.  A   TICKET. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 


June  the  9th,  1864. 

At  last  lite  brakes  upon  our  darkend  vision. 
I  see  it.  We  're  all  rite.  I  scent  post-offises  a 
yere  off.  The  way  is  open — let  the  Dimokrasy 
enter  boldly.  My  ijee  is  FREMOXT  and  VAL- 
LANDIGUM ! 

I  shel  apply  for  a  patent  onto  it. 

It 's  our  last  and  only  hope,  and  ef  the  Shecago 
Convenshun  do  n't  adopt  it,  the  members  thereof 
will  prove  themselves  ijeots.     Look  at  it  wunst: 

1.  Marterdom  is  a  essenshel  to  candidacy  in  our 
part}^  Who,  I  ask,  is  carryin  a  hevyer  lode  uv 
this  artikle  than  these  2  grate  marters?  Fremont 
eggsild  to  Noo  York,  and  Yallandigum  a  pinin  on 
a  furrin  shear!  Wat  subjex  for  the  illustraitid 
noosepapers ! 

2.  A  variety  uv  principple  is  nessary,  and  this 
tikkit  fills  the  bill  in  that  pertikeler.  Wat  a 
range  uv  yee !  The  largest  and  best  selectid  as- 
sortment uv  principples  in  the  markit !  The  fiery 
Ablishnist,  the  bleever  in  Onezimus  and  Hayger, 


NOMINATES   A   TICKET.  199 

the  sympathizer  Avith  the  Sowth,  and  them  cz 
yelled  for  exsterminashun  can  be  served  at  this 
shoj:),  and  can  all  be  satisfied. 

3.  We  've  got  to  do  it.  We  've  expended  much 
munny  a  gettin  Fremont  out,  and  in  doin  uv  it 
hev  endorst  and  adoptid  uv  him.  Spozn  we  let 
him  run,  and  nominait  sumbody  else — wat  then  ? 
We  've  said  so  much  in  his  favor — we  've  labord 
so  hard  at  provin  that  Linkin  aboozd  him,  that 
we  won't  be  able  to  git  it  out  uv  our  people 
by  eleckshun  time,  and  half  uv  em  will  vote  for 
him.  The  Dimekratik  intellek  is  limitid — it 
can't  hold  2  ijees  to  wunst,  without  gittin  uv 
em  mixt. 

4.  It  is  essenshal,  in  a  i^ekoonyary  pint  uv 
vew,  that  we  fasten  the  Ablishnists,  for  they  hev 
munny,  and  kin  bare  the  expensis  uv  the  cam- 
pane,  wich  is  hunky.  Fremont  hisself  hez  the 
Marryposy  gold-mines. 

5.  We  kin  do  it  and  be  consistent.  Comper- 
mise  hez  alluz  bin  a  bam  for  Dimekratik  wounds, 
and  Ave  must  compermise — each  fjiction  sofnin 
down  a  little.  The  Ablishnists  must  give  up 
ther  Ablishnism,  the  pro-slavery  men  ther  pro- 
slaveryism,  the  war  men  must  give  up  ther  war, 
and  the  peece  men  ther  i)eece,  and  all  yoonite  on 
the  brod  and  comperhensive  platform  uv  upposi- 


200  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

shen  2  Linkin,  on  akount  iiv  HIS  CORUPTNIS! 

The  fact  that  we  wunst  oppose!  Fremont  for  the 

saim  reezn,  don't  matter.     I  'd  ez  soon  accept  a 

post-offis  at  the  hands  iiv  Fremont  ez  enny  uther 

man. 

I  went  out  into  the  woods,  last  Sunday,  to  see 

wether  I  cood  holler  "Hooror  for  Fremont!"    The 

fust  15  or  20  times  it  stuck  in  my  throte,  but 

after  a  hour  or  2,  it  workt  smooth.     Dimokrasy 

is  flexyble. 

Petroleum  V.  IN'asbt, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


LV. 

ADDRESSES   JEFFERSON   DAVIS. 

} 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispexsashun, 
June  the  12th,  1S64. 


J.  Davis: 

I  address  yoo  in  the  bowils  uv  luv.  I  address 
yoo  ez  the  hed  uv  that  Church  wich  I  establisht 
to  defuse  a  gospil  wich  wuz  suffishently  elastic 
2  save  lokofokos  and  wimin-whii^pers,  uv  wdch 
classis  I  and  yoo  is  shinin  examples.  I  address 
yoo,  0,  Gefferson  D.,  ez  wun  frum  the  graiv,  for, 
in  a  polittikle  pint  uv  vew,  that 's  where  I  've  bin 


ADDRESSES   JEFFERSOX   DAVIS.  201 

ever  sencc  yoo  commcnst  that  little  effort  at  in- 
dependense,  wich  yoo  hev  not  finisht  yit.  I  hev 
no  dout  that  ewenchooally  you  '11  sucseed — nary 
dout.  Troo,  we  made  sum  erers.  In  sposin  wun 
Sutherner  wuz  ekal  to  5  N'orthrin  men,  we  wuz 
slitely  sold.  Also,  wen  we  spozd  the  Dimokrasy 
uv  the  North  hed  the  pluck  2  openly  resist  the 
tirent  Linkin,  we  wuz  deceevd  muchly.  Still, 
they  hev  dun  yoo,  perhaps,  ez  much  good  as  tho 
they  hed  tuck  up  arms.  But  they  did  it  in  their 
own  way,  wich  is  sneakin.  Evry  animule  goze  at 
its  biznis  in  a  stile  pekoolyer  2  itself.  The  eagle 
sores  magcstikly  thro  the  bloo  empyriam  at  it ; 
the  sarpint  crawls  on  his  belly  at  it.  The  shiv- 
elry  wantid  the  life  uv  the  guvment,  and  it  sored 
at  it;  the  ?forthrin  Dimokrasy  wantid  the  same 
thing,  and  it  sneaked  at  it.  But  remember,  0, 
Gefforson,  the  fang  uv  the  sarpint  is  ez  dedly  ez 
the  talens  uv  the  eagle. 

But  2  resoom.  You've  found  the  eagle  stile  uv 
doin  things  a  hard  rode  to  travil;  spozn  yoo  try 
the  snaik?  Getferson,  surrender.  Ask  uv  the 
Northrin  Staits  that  they  each  appint  a  commis- 
sioner to  arrange  the  terms  uv  yoor  kumin  back. 
Name  yoor  men,  and  be  shoor  that  Fernandywood 
uv  Noo  York,  and  sammy  Cox  uv  Ohio,  and  the 
ever-blessid  Brite  uv  Ingeany,  is  uv  them.  Ef  the 
13 


202  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

goriller  Linkin  refoozes,  wat  then?  Methinks 
we  hev  him.  Let  him  refooze  enny  oifer  iiv  peese, 
and  enuif  week-need  Ablishnists  will  jine  the 
ranks  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  (wich  is  now,  alluz  hez 
bin,  and  ever  will  be  yoors  2  kommand,)  to  en- 
able us  to  carry  the  next  eleckshun.  Then,  0, 
then,  Geflferson,  woodent  the  old  times  kum  agin? 
Woodent  they? 

Then,  spozn  he  submits,  and  yoo  disband  yoor 
armies,  and  surrender  on  good  terms,  wat  then? 
Can't  yoo  see  that  the  people  wood  cry  hozanner 
2  us  for  bringin  about  a  peese,  and  woodent  we 
carry  the  eleckshun  on  that?     0,  no!  not  enny! 

Yoo  know  wat  wood  foUer  yoor  return.  The 
Dimokrasy  uv  to-day  is  the  saim  ez  they  wuz  un- 
der Peerse  and  Bookannon.  The  Ethiop  can  not 
change  his  skin,  ner  the  lepperd  his  spots,  and 
ISToo  Gersey  is  'Noo  Gersey  still.  Our  kneez  are  in 
good  workin  order,  and  our  bax  is  limber.  We 
are  a  mule,  saddled  and  bridled — mount  and  ride. 
To  rool  is  yoor  normal  condishn — to  serve  is  ourn. 
Rool,  Gefferson ;  all  we  ask  is  a  long  pull,  a  strong 
pull,  and  a  pull  altogether,  at  the  trezry.  That 's 
all. 

Gefferson,  these  segestion  is  frum  a  Dimekrat 
uv  thirty  years  standin — wun  whose  record  shoze 
no  skratched  tikkits,  and  whose  nose  no  watered 


ox  THE  RETURN  OF  VALLANDIGHAM.    203 

whisky.  Do  not  throw  em  aside  unconsidered. 
They  're  yoor  last  chanse  and  our  last  hope.  Yoo 
may  win  by  fitin,  but  alars !  I  can't  wate  20  years 
for  a  post-orifis.  Long  ere  that  time  whisky  will 
hev  dun  its  perfick  work  upon  me,  and  I  shel  hev 
pcgd  out.  I  want  reddy  releef,  and  that's  wat's 
the  matter  with  the  entire  party.  Our  weel,  our 
wo  is  in  yoor  hands.    Gefferson,  be  wise. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  seel  Churchy  in  charge. 


LVI. 

ON   THE    RETURN    OF   VALLANDIGHAM. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 
June  the  2lsL  1864. 


[UN,  ) 
I-      ^ 

GoY  to  the  world — Yallandigum  is  cum!  The 
grate  exel,  in  defianse  uv  the  cdix  uv  a  usurpin 
despot,  hez  returnd  to  his  naytiv  sile !  Glory ! 
My  buzm  swells  with  emoshun,  and  I  leep  for 
goy.     Wolkum,  Vallandigum ! 

Overgoyd  ez  I  am,  my  sensashens  air  not  all 
plesherable.  The  return  uv  the  distingisht  cham- 
pion uv  Suthrin  rites  is  sumwat  embarrassin. 
The  trooth  is,  Vallandigum  wuz  not  jest  the  man 
we  wantid  for  a  leeder.      He  hez  tung,  without 


204  PETEOLEUM    V.   NASBY. 

discreshim,  wieli  qwaUtis  hez  ruind  menny  buddin 
geiuises.  Sccli  men  kin  alluz  succeed  in  kickin 
up  a  dust,  but,  forcliunately,  they  alluz  git  smoth- 
ered in  it.  Vallandigum's  weeknis  is — Yallandi- 
gum.  Shet  him  up  in  a  sekloodid  spot,  wher  he 
hed  noboddy  2  blatlier  to  about  hisself,  and  he  'd 
expire  in  disgust  in  a  week.     2  resoom. 

His  return  is  unfortunit,  becoz — 

What  will  we  do  with  him  ?  Under  his  leeder- 
ship,  we  wuz  bein  redoost  2  a  wery  small  pint,  so 
small  indeed  that  we  wuz  jest  reddy  to  berry.  At 
this  crisis  Linkin  he  ups  and  arrests  him.  Wat  a 
turn  that  wuz  for  us !  It  wuz  a  dubble-actin  lee- 
ver  that  lifted  us  2  ways,  to-wit:  we  got  shet  uv 
Vallandio-um,  who  wuz  a  unmixt  noosance  here. 
It  convertid  a  noosance  into  a  marter,  wich  wuz 
wat  we  wantid,  and  give  us  ground  to  go  on. 

Yallandigum  ort  2  hev  bin  more  grateful  than 
2  hev  bustid  this  arrangement  by  cumin  back. 
Hed  he  stayd,  a  poor  exel  on  a  furrin  shear,  a 
strainin  uv  his  ize  to  git  even  a  faint  glimpse  uv 
his  nativ  land,  until  the  campane  wuz  |ds  over, 
and  then  committed  sooiside  jest  afore  eleckshun, 
in  a  fit  uv  temprary  insanity  brot  on  by  greef, 
and  sorrer,  and  wo,  and  sich,  it  wood  hev  bin 
hunky.  His  funeral  wood  hev  bin  profitable  2 
us,  for  he  is  like  the  jentle  hog,  a  hevy  expense 


ox  THE  RETURN  OF  VALLAXDIGHAM.   205 

to  his  owner  wile  livin,  and  uv  no  earthly  profit 
2  him  till  he  dies. 

Agin.  Ther  's  no  call  for  takin  up  coleckshuns, 
enny  more,  for  his  benefit,  and — away  goze  the 
cheef  inkum  not  only  uv  myself,  but  uv  haff  uv 
the  Dimokratik  politishns  uv  the  Stait.  I  shel  hev 
2  deny  myself  uv  all  luxooris  frum  this  time  out. 

Wat  kin  we  do  with  him  ?  He  heznt  the  nack 
uv  sayin  2  things  at  wun  say,  and  nuthin  else 
will  do  us.  Wen  the  party  was  a  settin  its  face 
mildly  aginst  slaivry,  to  fool  the  Free-silers,  he  wuz 
for  eradd3"katin  the  evil.  Now,  wen  we  air  pintin 
mildly  Southward,  he  's  declarin  for  em  openly, 
in  his  usual  loonattik  stile. 

2  konklood.  I  luv  Vallandigum;  but  ef  Lin- 
kin  wood  arrest  him  and  immure  him  in  the 
darkest  dunjun  in  Fort  Warin,  or  hang  him,  or 
marter  him  in  enny  manner,  he  wood  trooly  con- 
fer a  favor  on  the  undersined,  and  the  entire  Dim- 
okratik party.  Then  wood  we  carry  his  deceest 
karkis  thro  the  North,  with  suthin  to  show  on  our 
chargis  uv  tiranny.  But  with  Vallandigum  at  lib- 
erty and  in  good  helth,  the  fust,  last,  and  only  vic- 
tim uv  unconstooshnel  usurpashen  air  gone,  and 
with  it  our  cappytal. 

Petroleum  X.  Xasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


206  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


LVII. 


DEFINES  HIS  POSITION,  AND  APPEALS  FOR  AID. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispexsashun, 
Jul^  the  del,  1864. 


'■} 

The  Methdist,  Presbyterean,  Lutheran,  and 
uther  lietrodox  Churchis,  air,  to-day,  the  most 
hefty  obstikkles  in  the  path  uv  the  Dimokrasy; 
and,  to  successfully  oj)pose  em,  I  institootid  the 
Church  uv  the  'Noo  Dispensashun,  uv  wich  I  am 
paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge.  Wat  the  Dim- 
okrasy now  want  is  Church  extension :  hents  this 
appeal. 

Dimokrasy  is  bilt  upon  the  one  ijee  that  the 
nigger  is  a  babboon.  That 's  our  corner-stun — 
knock  it  out,  and  the  entire  fabric  tumbles. 

The  hetrodox  Churches  insist  that  the  nigger  is 
human,  and  that  he  hez  a  sole  2  saiv  and  fit  it  for 
the  skize.  This  doctrin,  ef  it  pervales,  nox  Dim- 
okrasy higher  ner  a  kite.  For  why?  Bekos  :  ef 
the  nigger's  human,  and  not  a  beest,  wher's 
slaivry  ?  Ekko  answers,  No  whair.  Bekoz :  the 
commandment  sez,  "  Thow  shalt  not  steel,"  et 
settry.  Ef  the  nigger's  a  man,  we  steel  wen  we 
talk  his  laber.     Ef  he  's  a  beest,  wy,  then,  we  hev 


DEFINES   HIS  POSITION.  207 

dominyun  over  him,  and  may  use  him  ez  we  do 
the  pashent  ox. 

The  pint  is  plane. 

The  Church  uv  the  N'oo  Dispensashun,  uv  wich 
I  am  paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge,  devotes 
its  entire  intellek  to  constrooin  the  Skripters  in 
akordcnce  with  the  Dimekratik  ijee. 

Sum  uv  our  brethren,  who  still  hev  Methdist 
and  Presbyterin  sooperstishuns  in2  em,  appoUy- 
gize  for  their  support  uv  the  grate  instooshn,  by 
insistin  that  they  bring  the  Afrikin  over  2  this 
country  for  the  purpis  uv  chrischenizin  uv  him. 
Away  with  sich  nonsents !  I  '11  nun  uv  it.  Is  it 
chrischenlike  2  ceeze  a  man  in  his  naytiv  land 
and  bring  him  2  a  furrin  shore  agin  his  will? 
Agin:  Ef  that's  evangelikle,  is  it  proper  2  maik 
the  forsibly  evangelizd  heethen  work  for  his  bord 
and  wun  soot  uv  cheep  cloze,  per  annum,  con- 
tinooally  bein  perswadid  to  renood  effort  by  the 
cat-o'-nine  tales  ?  Ther  is  grate  gane  in  sich  god- 
linis — at  leest  500  per  sent.  Most  ennybody  will 
go  in2  the  mishnary  biznis  on  them  terms.  I, 
week  ez  I  am,  kin  bare  sich  a  cross.  Besides, 
wen  yoo've  got  a  cargo  convertid,  why  don't  yoo 
send  em  back?  Dostest  thow  desire  2  convert 
their  children?  0  mizable  subterfooj!  Ef  the 
parience  wuz  convertid,  woodent  tlie  cliildrcn  be? 


208  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Ef  that 's  ycr  ijce,  what  do  ye  sell  em  for  ?  Hev 
yoo  took  a  morgaje  onto  em  for  expensis  incurd 
in  bringin  uv  em  here,  and  hev  yoo  the  power  uv 
4closin  ? 

Bosh !  (A  expreshun  uv  disgust.)  Ef  they  're 
human,  they  hev  a  warranty  deed  for  their  boddis 
and  soles,  the  saim  ez  we  hev.  Hents,  ez  slaivry 
is  nessary  2  the  Dimekratik  party,  we  must  de- 
fend it  on  solid  ground. 

Ther4  my  Church,  uv  wich  I  am  sed  paster,  in 
charge,  strikes  out  boldly,  and  teeches  that  a  nig- 
ger is  a  BABBOON— a  beest.  Wen  wild,  he  's 
enny  boddy's  property  that  capchers  and  tames 
him ;  after  wich,  him  and  his  young  is  abslootely 
his,  to  do  with  as  seemeth  good  in  his  site. 
(Blakstun.) 

Troo,  amalgamashen,  wich  alluz  apperes  to  be 
practist  wher  the  instooshn  exists,  is  agin  us,  for 
wen  a  slaiv  hez  a  man  for  a  father,  he  's  only  half 
babboon.  But  I  never  seed  enny  Dimekratik 
principple  that  hed  n't  a  week  pint  in  it. 

We  want  munny  to  establish  our  Church.  We 
must  send  mishnaries  to  Northrin  Illinoy,  to  the 
Western  Reserve,  and  2  Massychusitts.  It  talks 
munny  for  our  j^reechers  to  live  now,  for  whisky 
is  10  sents  per  drink,  even  in  the  most  obskoor 
doggrys.     Men  and  brethrin,  kum  2  our  ade. 


DEFINES    HIS    POSITION.  209 

We  liev  no  lack  uv  labrcrs  in  tliis  grate  vin- 
yard.  Evry  yere  tlic  utlier  Churchis  expel  more 
or  less  uv  their  preechers,  for  irregelaritis  in 
swappin  liosscs,  and  for  extreme  conwiviality  and 
sicli,  wlio  er  ^villin  to  be  reseevd  in2  our  buzm. 
They  are  reddy;  all  we  want  is  means  to  set  em 
aflote. 

Remittcncis  uv  10  cents  and  upwards  thank- 
fly  reseevd.  I  'm  President,  Secretary,  Treasu- 
rer, and  Bord  uv  Trusteez  uv  the  Associashen. 
Remit  librally  and  to  wunst.  The  high  karicter 
uv  the  offishary  is  suffishent  garantee  that  the 
munny  will  be  properly  applide. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


210  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


Lvin. 

DECLARES    FOR    REPUDIATION    AND    UNION    WITH 
THE    SOUTH. 

Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
Jxdy  the  10/A,  1864.      I 

I  HEV  made  up  my  mind  that  the  Suthrin  Con- 
fedrisy  is  a  succeed,  and  that  my  fondest  hopes 
is  about  bein  realizd.  Troo,  the  next  blast  that 
sweeps  frum  the  Sowth  may  bring  2  our  eers  the 
nooze  uv  Lee's  defect,  but  at  present  writin  things 
is  favrable.     Wat  follers  ? 

It 's  plane  that  the  Dimokrasy  kin  never  liv  in 
peece  with  Noo  Ingland.  We  cood  endoor  it  wen 
we  hed  the  Suthrin  Staits  2  balense  em  at  the 
poles,  for  wen  ever  wun  uv  em  startid  a  noose- 
paper,  or  went  a  lectrin  out  West  to  spred  JN'oo 
Ingland  ijees,  we  suspendid  the  liberty  uv  the 
press  and  uv  speech,  by  hangin  the  lectrer  and 
smashin  the  press.     Wich  is  Dimokrasy. 

The  Xorth-west  must  cut  oif  from  the  East, 
with  a  vew  uv  jinin  the  Confedrisy.  Uv  coarse, 
them  nashen  woodent  taik  us  with  a  debt  on  our 
sholders,  for  they  wood  hev  to  repoodiate  it;  and 
they  air  a  gentlemanly  stile  uv  peeple,  who  won't 
do  a  dirty  thing  ef  they  kin  git  sumboddy  else 


KEPUDIATIOX — UNIOX  WITH  THE  SOUTH.     211 

to  do  it  for  em,  wicli  they  hev  never  faleil  2  do, 
sence  they  bought  up  us  Dimekrats.  Ilents,  they 
wood  reqwire  repoodiashen,  wich  we  wood  do 
gladly  and  willinly,  for  these  reasons,  to-wit : 

1.  It  woodent  tech  menny  uv  the  fatheful,  ez 
them  holdin  greenbax  and  guvment  bonds  air  al- 
most excloosivly  Ablishnists.  Therefour,  it  wood 
be  a  punishin  uv  our  enemies. 

2.  Ez  a  rool,  the  Ablishnists  wood  leve  the  coun- 
try in  disgust,  wich  is  benefishl  in  2  ways :  givin 
the  Dimokrasy  clone  sweep,  and  enablin  evry  in- 
divijjle  uv  em  2  git  wun  uv  their  farms — the  only 
way  we  '11  ever  git  em. 

Then  we  'd  hev  slaivry  in  the  North- west. 
Eckstatic  thot !  My  hart  dilates  at  the  bair 
ijee !  I,  IN'asby,  who  hez  bin  refoozd  credit  for 
likker — whose  throte  hez  bin  parcht  becoz  the 
dime  wuz  not — who  hez  bin  obleeged  to  obtane 
his  likker  to  sustane  eggistense  by  stratejy — Xas- 
by,  P.  v.,  will  hev  a  plantashen  and — Niggers! 
Won't  I  demonstrait  the  sooperiority  uv  the  An- 
glo-Sacksun  over  the  Afrikin,  by  wallopin  em ! 
Perhaps  not!  Won't  I  hev  niggers  for  carpen- 
ters, and  blacksmiths,  and  bricklayers,  and  sich  ? 
Won't  we  clean  out  the  i)()or  pe()i)le,  and  estab- 
lish a  giiiooine  aristocrisy — ownin  labor,  instid  uv 
liirin  it?     Won't  we,  the  sooperior  class,  dodge 


212  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

the  cuss  uv  laber — fillin  our  quota  uv  sod  cuss  by 
puttin  in  nigger  substitoots?  Won't  I  spend  my 
days  a  suckin  cocktales  and  my  nites  at  poker, 
sellin  a  family  evry  now  and  then  to  keep  up 
financis  ?  Them  's  happinis  condenst — them 's  my 
ijees  uv  a  terresterial  paradise. 

Hasten  thy  work,  0  Lee !  Maik  thyself  strong, 
0  Boregard !  Be  wise  and  bold,  0  Jonson  !  Go 
forrerd  in  3^er  nigger-killin,  0  Forist!  and  0,  Da- 
vis !  (Jefferson)  may  yoo  manij  the  helium  ez  well 
as  they  execoot  yer  commands !  These  is  my 
prayer ! 

For  wun  victry  for  Lee,  and  a  short  crop,  addid 
to  the  taxis,  and  the  drafts,  and  sich,  will  turn 
enuff  week  Ablishnists  in2  peece  men  2  bust 
Linkin,  and  elect  a  peese  man.  Then  will  I  as- 
soom  the  speer  in  wich  I  am  fitlid  to  move. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


NO  WAR  PLATFORM  FOR  DEMOCRACY.        213 


LIX. 


SHOWS   THAT   A   WAR    PLATFORM    WON'T   DO    FOR 
THE    DEMOCRACY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
July  the  nth,  186-4.      I 

'  It  is  probable,  yes,  I  may  say,  tolable  sertin, 
that  P.  V.  N^asby,  wicli  is  preecher  uv  sed  Church, 
in  charge,  may  retire  frum  publik  life  shortly. 
Why?  methinks  I  heer  the  entire  Dimekratik 
party,  who  hev  long  regarded  me  as  a  ornament 
2  my  seeks,  and  the  wun  altogether  luvly,  ex- 
clame.  The  why  is  plane  to  a  massive  intellek, 
wich  is  me — the  good  old  Dimekratik  party  is  on 
the  strate  rode  to  destruction,  and,  to  yoose  a 
raleroad  mettyfor,  onless  it  is  switcht  orf  at  She- 
cago,  it's  a  goner,  and  the  more  it  succeeds  at 
the  November  eleckshun,  the  wus  is  its  goneniss ! 
"Singler!"  exclames  a  patriotic  and  sclf-sacri- 
licin  Dimekrat,  who  liez  a  post-orifis  in  his  beemin 
eye — "singler  that  success  shood  rooin  us.  Wy, 
that's  wat  we're  goin  for." 

Jently,  my  frcnd.  Uv  wat  avalc  is  it  to  elect 
a  President  in  sich  a  way  cz  2  make  it  morally 
sertin  to  be  defectid  ever  after?  Troo,  we'd  hev 
the  post-orfisis ;   but,  with   a  Ablishn  Congris  to 


214  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

watch  us,  whcr'd  be  tlie  chancis  uv  stcclin,  nes- 
sary  to  our  support? 

To  eloocydait.  The  Dimokrasy  hev  postponed 
their  convenshun  till  it  is  assertaned  how  Lee  vs. 
Grant  cums  out.  Ef  Lee  whales  Grant — peece 
platform.  Ef  Grant  whales  Lee — ^war  platform. 
N'ow  the  chancis  air  that  Lee  will  be  whipt,  for 
the  tyrent  Linkin  hez  a  spite  at  that  grate  and 
good  man.  Then  we  're  a  war  party,  and  go  into 
the  campane  on  the  corruptnis  uv  the  Adminis- 
trashen,  and  beet  em,  and  git  the  post-orifises. 
Wat  then?  Wy  this.  The  war  is  OUR  war; 
the  taxis  is  OUR  taxis ;  the  drafts  is  OUR  drafts, 
and  WE  wood  hev  the  responsibility  instid  uv 
our  enemis.  Ez  a  matter  uv  coarse,  Dimekrats 
wood  hev  to  do  the  volunteerin,  for  it  wood  be 
their  war,  and  the  armies  wood  hev  to  be  led  by 
Dimekratik  ginerals.  Good  hevins!  Immagin 
500,000  Dimekrats  under  sich  ez  Micklellan  and 
Booel !  Wat  a  redoosin  uv  magoritis — wat  a 
waste  uv  votin  stock  ther  wood  be! 

The  troo  polisy  for  us  is  peese.  Ez  a  peese 
party,  we  are  certin  uv  gettin  the  support  uv 
these  classis,  to-wit: 

The  stingy  cusses,  who  obgect  to  payin  taxis. 

The  cowerdly  cusses,  who  air  afrade  uv  bein 
draftid. 


PLATFOE^r   FOR   THE   DEMOCRACY.  215 

EvTi'v  draft  and  every  new  tax  jest  more'n 
adds  to  our  ranks;  so  fast,  indeed,  that  ef  we  cood 
stop  the  Methodist,  Presbyterian,  Lutheran,  etc., 
revivals  uv  religun,  and  git  whisky  back  to  old 
prices,  so  that  we  cood  afford  to  use  it  profoosely, 
we  cood  be  in  good  shaip  next  fall. 

By  bein  a  war  party  we  lose  all  these  people, 
and  talk  them  out ;  and,  in  the  name  of  hevin,  wat 
wood  be  left  uv  us ! 

Peese  is  our  best  and  only  holt,  and,  onless  the 
party  talk  that  dodge,  I  shel  retire,  for  we  can't 
win  but  wunst  on  war,  and  then  the  responsibili- 
ties we  'd  hev  to  assoom  wood  be  2  much  for  us. 
The  Dimekratik  intellek  is  not  hefty. 

Ez  for  myself,  I  've  no  feers — I  kin  git  along. 

There 's  small  groseries  to  be  run ;  and  the  retailin 

uv  likker  in  a  striktly  Dimekratik   community, 

where    they'd    work   jest   twelve    hours — earnin 

enuif  to  carry  em  thro  the  uther  12  at  my  bar — 

has    alluz   appered  to   me  to  be   the   highth   uv 

earthly  bliss. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


216  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LX. 


HAS  A  CLASS  MEETING,  AND  DEPRECATES  NEGRO- 
KILLING. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun.  \ 
July  the  SOth,  1864.      J 

Our  class  meetins  hev  bin  sumwat  neglectid  uv 
lait.  Sumbow,  it  is  in  our  Church  ez  it  is  in  the 
hetrodox — we  air  hot  and  cold  alternitly.  Last 
Sundy  we  hed  a  preshus  seezn. 

Brother  Siples  spoak.  He  confest  that  he  wuz 
a  week  mortal.  He  hed  his  ups  and  downs,  bad. 
It  wuz  ruff  on  him.  Wenever  Grant  and  Sher- 
man hed  a  success,  his  faith  faled  him;  and  sum- 
times  he  hed  difficulty  in  cumin  to  time  even  wen 
Lee  whipt  Grant.  But  he  hed  resently  paid  ^2 
per  gallon  for  whisky,  and  that  stird  him.  With 
wun  hand  upon  his  2  often  empty  jug,  and  tother 
pinted  to  heven,  he  hed  sworn  eternal  hostility  to 
them  ez  hed  razed  these  prices,  wich  is  Ablish- 
nists.  If  convenyent,  he  askt  the  brethring  to 
pray  for  him. 

Brother  Hopp  riz.  He  hed  his  ups  and  downs 
also — rayther  more  downs  than  ups.  His  sole 
wuz  full  wen  Forrist  killed  the  niggers  ;  but,  alas ! 
wo  wuz  on  him  wen  Sherman  flaxt  em  at  Atlanta. 


HAS   A   CLASS   MEETING.  217 

'Now  the  skize  is  brite.  Lee  holds  out  hiillv,  and 
tother  day  4,000  niggers  wuz  kild  at  Petersburg. 

At  this  pint  I  interruptid  Brother  Hopp.  The 
killin  uv  niggers  is  no  coz  uv  rejoisin.  AVat  a 
destrueshen  uv  property  !  4,000  niggers  at  |1,500 
per  nigger,  is  f  6,000,000 !  This  sum  uv  munny, 
even  at  the  present  Ablishn  prices,  wood  pro- 
doose  60,000,000  nips  !  Wood,  0,  wood  that  I 
wuz  condemd  2  consoom  em  all !  Ef  them  nig- 
gers hed  bin  white  men,  I  woodent  hev  keered. 
Wy?  Bekoz,  Avliite  soljers  is"  all  Ablishnists. 
Do  n't  shake  yer  hed.  Brother  Gamp ;  it 's  so. 
Yoor  own  son,  even,  backslid.  He  it  wuz  who 
writ  hum,  a  sayin  that  if  he  cum  back  and  found 
that  ole  hipocrit,  Nasby,  a  eetin  chickings  about 
yoor  house,  he  'd  plump  a  ounce  ball  into  him. 
Hipocrit !  Chickings !  Sich  baseniss  confirms  me 
in  my  beleef  in  the  doctrin  uv  totle  depravity.  I 
am  no  obtroosiv  gest  at  the  tables  uv  my  flock. 
Troo,  I  ete;  but  wood  eny  uv  em  say  that  chick- 
ings wuz  a  equivalent  for  my  improvin  conversa- 
shen  ?  Ez  for  the  paltry  munny  I  borrer,  I  alluz 
giv  my  note,  wich  settles  them  transactions. 

2   resoom.      Every   nigger   killed   inflaims   our 

brethrin  powrful.     Immagin,  my  brcthrin,  a  Suth- 

ern  artilrist  a  bringin  uv  his  peece  to  bare  upon 

the  advansin  enemy.     He  sees  they  arc  niggers, 

14 


218  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

and  his  hart  sinks.  Neerer  and  neerer  they  cum. 
Seezin  a  glass,  he  vews  em,  and,  horrer!  in  the 
front  rank,  "cloathd  in  soots  uv  bloo,"  he  be- 
holds his  indivijjle  niggers  !  Neerer !  neerer ! 
Fain  wood  he  spare  em,  for  them  very  niggers 
may  be  the  uncles  uv  a  half  dozen  uv  his  chil- 
dren, (wich  is  patriarkle,)  to  say  nuthin  uv  the 
munny  he  hez  inwestid  in  em.  But  no!  The 
order  is  given!  "Fire!"  He  pulls  the  fatal 
string,  and  ez  he  beholds  his  ow,n  property  a 
bleedin  on  the  plain,  he  swoons  away.  My  jentle 
frends,  I  make  no  dout  that  haff  the  cases  reportid 
in  the  Suthrin  papers  ez  sun-stroak,  wuz  frum  this 
coz. 

Uther  brethrin  giv  their  experence  in.  The 
feelin  is  improvin  sence  the  draft,  and  I  hev  faith 
that  ef  our  groseries  kin  hold  up  till  September 
5,  under  the  credit  system,  and  too  menny  don't 
run  2  Canady,  we  will  be  able  to  whale  eny  Prove 
Marshell's  forse  they  kin  send  agin  us. 

Petroleum  V.  IS'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


STARTS    A    SOCIETY   OF    HIS   OWN.  219 


LXI. 


STARTS  A  SOCIETY  OF  HIS  OWN. 


CnCRCH  UV   THE    NoO  DiSPENSASHUN, 

August  the  od,  1864. 


} 

I  AM  no  "  Son  UV  Liberty."  Enny  Dimckrat 
who  can't  stan  a  hevycr  dose  than  that  instooshn 
affords,  ain't  fit  to  hcv  the  elcctiv  franchise  exer- 
cised for  him.  I  hev  instootid  a  order  iiv  my 
own,  wich  is  more  aduptid  2  the  Dimekratik  in- 
tellek  at  hirge — suthin  that  they  kin  understand. 

Wat's  the  yoose,  I  ask  indignantly,  uv  tellin 
our  deciples  that  free  speech  is  dun  away  with  by 
Linkin,  wen  we  are  openly  blattin  Suthrin  rites 
on  evry  cross  rodes,  without  enny  mentle  reserva- 
tion watsoever?  Wat's  the  yoose  uv  talkin  2 
Dimekrats  about  habis  corj^usses,  wen  haif  uv  em 
never  had  em,  and  tother  haff  woodent  hev  knode 
the  yoose  uv  em  if  they'd  a  had  em?     Consents! 

My  order,  wich  I  call  the  "Anshent  and  Sub- 
lime Order  uv  Putty-backs,"  hcz  suthin  in  it  they 
kin  understand. 

The  follerin  is  a  part  uv  the  ritooel :  The  can- 
dydate  is  brot  into  the  anty-room,  (so  cald  frum 
the  fact  that  he  there  antics  up  his  inishashen 


220  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

fee,)  blind-folded.  He 's  frightcnd.  A  bottle  is 
aj^plide  2  his  nose,  wich  reassures  him,  for  well 
he  nose  wher  tlier's  whisky  ther's  Dimokrasy. 
The  foUerin  dialogue  ensoose: 

Queshun.   Air  you  a  Dimekrat? 

Q.  Do  yoo  considder  yoorself  better  than  a 
nigger? 

Q.  Air  yoo  afeerd  yoor  sister  will  marry  a  nig- 
ger, and  do  you  want  the  Lejislacher  uv  yer  va- 
rious Stait  2  maik  laws  a  preventin  uv  her? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  a  Ablishnist  luvs  a  nigger 
better' n  himself,  his  wife  and  children,  his  unkles 
and  ants,  and  sich? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  this  war,  conseevd  by  John 
Brown  and  innoggeratid  by  A.  Linkin,  is  bein 
carrid  on  by  Ablishnists  for  the  sole  purpus  uv 
freein  the  niggers  and  bringin  uv  em  North,  and 
elevatin  uv  em  a  inch  or  2,  so  ez  to  git  em  over 
Dimekrats  ? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  at  Oberlin  they  feed  nigger 
students  on  oysters  and  briled  porter-house  steak, 
and  the  whites  on  hash? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  there  air  800,000  niggers  in  the 
North  now,  and  that  the  guvment  intends  2  hev 
em  all  vote  this  fall? 

Air  yoo  willin  2  talk  up  arms  agin  this  eleva- 
shen  uv  the  nigger? 


STARTS   A   SOCIETY   OF   HIS    OWN,  221 

Will  yoo  solumly  plej  yoorself  2  vote  tlie  Dim- 
ekratik  tickit  without  a  skratch,  and  to  rally 
iH'omptly  to  the  kill  in  iiv  Provo  Marsh  els  ? 

The  candidait,  uv  coarse,  ansers  all  these  ques- 
shuns  in  the  affirmative,  after  wieh  sum  wun  is 
huntid  up  who  kin  rite  his  naim,  to  wieh  he  maiks 
his  mark,  and  he's  inishatid. 

My  sosiety  is  pekoolyerly  adaptid  to  the  party, 
coz  it's  strong  uv  nigger,  wieh  all  uv  em  kin  un- 
derstand. I  never  knowd  a  ginooine  Sutliern-rite 
Dimekrat  that  dident  consider  the  free  Afrekin  a 
disgustin  obgek,  and  who  ain't  continooally  strivin 
2  maik  himself  bleeve  that  sumboddy's  lower 
down  than  himself.  Hents  their  anxiety  to  own  a 
nigger,  and  wher  that  ain't  permitted,  their  on- 
quenchable  desire  to  kill  wun. 

^ly  ijee  is  never  to  lose  holt  uv  the  nigger.     He 

maiks   us   cheep  cappytle,  and  is  alluz  reddy  2 

hand. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


222  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LXII. 

INDORSES  THE  NOMINATION. 

Church  vy  the  Noo  Dispensashun 

September  the  \st,  1864. 


i 


Gloey  !  Micklellan,  the  nashun's  pride,  is  nom- 
inaticl !  Bein  a  orthodox  Dimekrat,  the  nomina- 
shen  soots  me!  N^ominashens  alluz  soots  ortho- 
dox Dimekrats  !  In  30  years'  experience,  I  never 
knew  a  nominashen  that  dident. 

Me  and  my  Church  wuz  for  peese.  We  wuz  for 
Suthern  rites.  We  wuz  opposed  to  drafts,  and 
had  purchast  revolvers.  Ther4  the  incomparible 
Micklellan  wuz  not  our  fust  choice.  The  fact  is, 
the  grate  George  wuz  a  war  man  wunst,  and  wuz 
the  original  inventor  uv  drafts,  wich  don't  make 
him  ez  acceptable  to  us  ez  he  mite  be.  But  ther's 
a  excoose  for  him.  The  Dimokrasy  must  bare  in 
mind  that  the  unforchnit  man  lied  sunk  sum 
85,000  Ablishnists  surawher  about  Richmond,  and 
ez  he  knew  uv  the  prejoodis  existin  agin  volun- 
teerin  under  him,  he  insistid  on  hevin  uv  em  brot 
in  by  draft.  It  was  all  dun  for  the  benefit  uv  the 
Dimokrasy,  becoz:  The  Dimekrats  drafted  wood 
resist  or  run  to  Kanady — the   Ablishnists   wood 


INDORSES   THE   NOMINATION".  223 

go,  and,  halleloogy!  but  few  iiv  em  wood  ever 
return. 

On  receet  uv  the  news  I  immejitly  called  my 
flock  together,  announst  it  to  em,  and  giv  em  tlio 
follerin  breef  biograj)liical  sketch  uv  our  candi- 
date, ez  follows: 

Gcor2;e  B.  Micklellan  wus  born  uv  rich  but  hon- 
ist  parence,  sumwher,  in  the  yeer  18 — .  (I  luv 
accooras3\)  The  nationality  uv  his  parence  I  am 
not  shoor  uv,  but  from  the  fact  that  all  the  bitter 
old  Kno-lS'othins  is  a  supportin  him,  I  shood  think 
he  wuz  uv  Irish  extraction.  His  great  pint  was 
promptnis  and  decision  uv  karictcr,  and  these 
quality  displayed  itself  at  a  erly  period.  It  is  on 
rekord  in  the  arkives  uv  the  family,  that  he  cried 
immejitly  after  he  wuz  borned,  and  commenst 
nursin  within  a  hour.  He  wuz  remarkable  at 
skool  for  the  same  quality.  Xo  sooner  did  the 
clock  strike  noon,  than  young  George  wood 
promptly  leeve  the  house.  The  fucher  general 
wuz  foreshaddered  in  the  skill  with  wich  he  robbed 
melon  patches.  He  made  reglar  approaches, 
wich  were  skillful,  but  his  retrects  wuz  magnif- 
isent.  He  cood  change  his  base  bootifid — .shiftin 
from  melon  patchis  to  orchards  with  ncetnis  and 
dispatch.  Another  peekooliarity  uv  young  George 
shows  how  troo  is  the  sayin,  that   "The  child  is 


224  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

father  uv  the  man."  Wile  George  cood  alluz  very 
elahoritly  stratejise  hisself  iiit2  a  melon  patch  or 
orchard,  he  never  stratejised  hisself  out  with  any 
melons  or  apples. 

He  wiiz  edikatid  at  AVest  Pint,  and  wuz  finally 
made  President  uv  the  Ohio  and  Mississippy  Rale- 
rode.  Here  his  decishun  agin  showd  itself.  He 
conseeved  the  bold  ijee  uv  gravelin  the  road,  wun 
mornin,  at  31  minutes  past  11.  Wun  yeer  frum 
that  time  he  announst  to  the  Drektors  that  17  la- 
brers  and  an  ekal  number  uv  wheelbarrers  lied  bin 
prokoored,  and  he  wuz  bizzy,  at  that  time,  per- 
fectin  a  plan  for  organizin  uv  em.  2  months  after 
he  announst  his  plan  perfected,  and  that  opera- 
tions hed  commenst  on  a  gravel-pit.  4  days  uv 
brilyantly  successful  work  follered,  wen  he  an- 
nounst that  he  wuz  obleegd  to  suspend  operations, 
that  5  wheelbarrers  wuz  broke,  and  7  labrers  hed 
the  diarrear.  He  wood  reorganize  promptly,  and 
proceed.  Reorganizin  this  forse,  and  perfectin  a 
new  plan  uv  approach,  only  okepied  8  months, 
and  the  work  wood  hev  bin  commenst  by  this 
time,  had  not  the  war  broke  out.  The  pay  uv 
the  Fedral  Guvment  bein  larger  and  more  surer 
than  the  Confedrasy,  he  relinquisht  ralerodin  and 
entered  the  Fedral  serviss. 

His  military   career   is   knowd  by  all   on  us. 


INDORSES   THE   XOMINATIOX.  22."5 

Suffice  it  2  say,  that  no  general  wuz  ever  so  be- 
luvd  South,  and  so  hated  Xorth,  wich  wuz  wat 
prokoord  his  nominashen. 

Sich,  my  brethrin,  is  our  candidate.  Let  us 
all  sink  our  prejoodisis,  and  elect  him.  The  plat- 
form on  wich  he  stands  I  endorse  M'ith  my  whole 
hart.  I  hevent  read  it  yet,  but  it  must  be  good, 
for  Yallandigum  made  it.  The  post-orfises,  the 
treasury,  for  wich  we  hev  bin  waitin  4  long, 
dreery  yeres,  is  Avithin  our  reeeh.  Let  us,  my 
brethrin,  go  in  and  win.  The  cheerin  for  me  will 
now  commense. 

A  collekshun  wuz  taken  up  to  defray  expensis 
uv  the  campane.  $8  wuz  reelizd,  wich  wuz  paid 
over  to  me.  I  shel  probably  appere  on  the  stump 
in  a  new  pair  uv  pants. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


226  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


LXIII. 

THE    CANDIDATES   AND   PLATFORM. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
September  the  Sth,  1864.      i 

The  nominashens  uv  the  Shecago  Convensliun 
is  made,  and  altlio  they  do  n't  soot  me,  I  shall 
support  em.  Post-orfises  can't  be  attained  by  us, 
thro  Linkin — Micklellan  is  the  way,  and  as  a 
Dimekratik  profit  I  remark,  "Walk  ye  in  it." 

But  I  'm  hevin  a  time  with  my  flock.  Ther  's 
more  uv  a  diversity  uv  opinion  than  ever  I  saw 
among  Dimekrats  afore,  and  I  'm  afeered  that  my 
jigantik  intellek  ain't  hefty  enuif  to  reconsile  the 
diffrenses.  I  called  a  meetin  last  nite,  in  the 
hopes  uv  settlin  matters  and  restorin  harmony. 

I  took  the  cheer,  and  made  a  few  elokent  re- 
marks. Brothers  Siples,  Spot,  Hopp,  and  Gamp, 
who  hev  faith  to  bleeve  they  '11  respectivly  hold 
the  orfises  uv  assessor,  collekter,  postmaster,  and 
prove  marshel,  on  the  strength  uv  remarks  I  made 
to  em,  wer  enthoozyastik  for  Micklellan.  They 
bleevd  him  to  be  the  Dimekratik  Messiah,  razd 
up  expressly  to  save  the  instooshn.  They  shood 
give  him  a  harty,  corjel  support. 


THE   CANDIDATES   AXD   PLATFORM.  227 

Brother  Punt,  who  boards  mc  on  tick,  und  who 
furnishes  me  likker  on  the  same  terms,  wieh  is  ez 
good  ez  I  cood  wish,  and  who  cxpex  payment  wen 
I  git  a  orfis,  wuz  enthoozyastikcr  for  MickleUan 
than  any  uv  us.  He  wuz  supprizd  at  the  apathy 
that  pervaled,  wen  so  much  wuz  at  stake.  Ho 
perpozd  3  cheers  for  MickleUan.  Brothers  Siplcs, 
Spot,  Gamp,  Hopp,  Punt,  and  myself  cliecrd  with 
the  wildest  enthoozyasm. 

At  this  pint  Brother  Guttle  ariz.  He  hod 
heerd  nonsents  enuff.  He  wuz  under  45,  and  wuz 
able-boddid.  Consekently  he  jined  the  Sons  uv 
Liberty,  and  bot  a  revolver,  and  had  his  rifle  fixt. 
Wat  wuz  2  be  dun  with  them  tools  ?  Wuz  he  to 
hev  no  oppertoonity  to  yoose  em  ?  Wat  he  wantid 
to  know,  wuz  MickleUan  peese  or  war?  Ef  he 
wuz  peese,  all  rite.  He  'd  as  soon  shoot  i)rovo 
marshels  under  his  banner,  ez  cny  body's,  but 
bein  a  peese  man,  he  must  shoot  sumboddy.  He 
hed  a  neighbor  read  the  platform  to  him  day  l>e- 
fore  yisterday.  He  must  say  he  wu/  di/uiistcd. 
We  are  peese.  We  bleeve  in  State  rites,  in  im- 
mejit  recognishun  uv  Suthern  independensc,  and 
wuz  opposed  to  coershun.  To  all  uv  wieh  ho  hed 
sworn.  He  did  n't  go  much  on  oaths,  but  wen  a 
oath  sootid  him  he  'd  keep  it.  Why  did  n't  the 
convenshun  say  peese?      Ei*  he   hed   got   to   be 


228  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

dragd  in2  the  army  like  a  pecse  lamb  to  the  slaw- 
ter,  he'd  ez  soon  let  Linkin  drag  him  cz  Mick- 
lellan.  It  wuz  the  draggin  in2  the  feeld  that  he 
obgektid  2 — not  the  man  who  draggd  him.  He 
wantid  to  know,  he  did. 

I  replied  2  this  misgiiidid  man.  I  assoomd 
that  magestic,  lofty,  penetratin  gase,  wich  only  2 
men  in  Ameriky  possest — me  and  D.  Webster.  I 
told  him  that  obejense  wuz  the  fust  principple  uv 
Dimokrasy.  The  convenshun — our  convenshun, 
hed  nominatid — all  we  hed  to  do  wuz  2  vote.  Ef 
the  convenshun  hed  saw  fit  to  nominate  a  Avar 
man,  on  a  war  platform,  it  wood  hev  bin  our 
dooty  2  hev  votid  it;  but  the  convenshun  wuz  not 
hard  on  us.  It  accommodated  us  all.  Air  yoo  a 
War  Dimekrat?  Wasn't  Micklellan  a  gineral? 
Isn't  he  the  inventer  uv  drafts?  Didn't  he  ar- 
rest the  Maryland  Lejislacher?  Air  3^00  a  peese 
man?  Did  n't  the  magestik  Micklellan  endorse 
Grudge  Woodward?  Didn't  he  take  the  nomina- 
shen  at  the  hands  uv  Vallandigum?  Air  yoo  a 
Suthern  man?  Ask  any  Suthern  gineral  who 
he'd  ruther  see  at  the  hed  uv  our  armies,  and 
he'd  anser,  in  thunder  tones,  Micklellan!  Then 
the  platform.  Is  ther  any  thing  in  it  agin  war? 
Is  ther  any  thing  in  it  agin  peese  ?  It  is  a  a  c- 
commodatin  platform,  halleloogy !    Brother  Hopp, 


THE   CANDIDATES   AND   PLATFORM.  229 

who  is  a  tliirstin  after  human  gore,  can  slake  his 
thirst  at  this  fountin.  To  Brother  Guttle,  Avho 
wuz  a  peese  man,  this  platform  wuz  the  white- 
winged  angel  herself.  I  hev  n't  eggsaminecl  it 
critikally,  but  I  hev  n't  the  slightest  dout  that  the 
doctrine  uv  four  ordinashen,  or  totle  depravity,  or 
elekshun,  or  free-grace,  kin  be  proved  from  it  con- 
cloosively. 

It 's  a  broad  platform.  Thcr  wuz  room  on  it 
for  Fernandywood  and  Sam  Cox,  for  Yallandigum 
and  Seemore — the  pyramid  built  on  sed  platform 
has  room  on  the  apex  for  Micklellan  with  his  gory 
sword,  and  Pendleton  with  his  olive-branch,  lialle- 
loogy! 

Brother  Guttle  wuz  reprimanded.  I  hev  n't 
any  dout  that  my  Church  will  be  a  unit  in  sup- 
port uv  the  nominashens.  Ef  we  cood  stop  the 
runnin  2  Canady  in  consekens  uv  the  draft,  I  hev 
no  dout  we  wood  hev  our  yoosual  majority. 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


230  PETKOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LXIV. 

WAILETH   MUCHLY. 


Chukch  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  I 

September  the  15th,  1864.      I 


The  follerin  sam  uv  hoomiliashen  and  agony 
will  be  chantid  in  every  Church  in  my  dioceese,  all 
day,  evry  Sundy,  until  the  Confedrits  win  a  victry : 

A  DOUBLE- BARRELD  WALE  ! — ^A   CRY  UV  ANGISH  ! 

In  the  valley  and  shadder  sit  we! 

Job  hed  biles,  but  he  scraped  hisself  with  a 
oyster-shell ! 

Naman  wuz  a  leper,  but  he  doved  into  the  Jor- 
dan, and  cum  out  ez  good  ez  new! 

Sampson  hed  his  hair  shingled  and  wuz  week 
as  waterd  whisky,  but  it  growd  agin,  and  he  busted 
his  enemies ! 

We  hev  biles  and  are  rotten  with  em,  but 
where  's  the  comfortin  oyster-shell  ? 

We  hev  leprussy,  but  where  's  the  Jordan  to 
jump  into? 

Our  hair  is  short,  and  thar's  whar  our  enemies 
hev  got  us,  but  whar  's  the  restorative  to  make  it 
grow  agin? 


WAILETH   MUCHLY.  231 

Job,  and  IS'aman,  and  Sampson,  altogether, 
wuz  n't  as  bad  off  ez  we  is. 

We  kin  throw  in  Lazzyrus  with  his  sores,  and 
the  dorgs  a  lickin  uv  em,  and  then  give  em  50  in 
a  100  and  beat  em. 

For  we  nominatid  Micklellan  and  Pendleton,  at 
Shecago,  and  wun  is  a  war  man  and  tother  is  a 
peese  man. 

The  ox  and  the  ass  is  yoked — their  heads  and 
tails  together. 

And  the  teem  is  pull  in  viggerusly,  but  instid 
uv  goin  forerd,  it 's  goin  round  and  round. 

Wale !  0  my  peeple,  for  the  ticket  wuz  n't  war 
enuff,  and  Cass  hez  bolted ! 

Gnash  yer  teeth !  0  ye  saints,  for  the  tickit 
wuz  n't  peese  enuff,.  and  Vallandigum  hez  bolted ! 

We  tried  2  ride  two  bosses,  goin  in  2  diffrent 
direckshuns,  and  we  fell  to  the  ground. 

And  both  bosses  turned  on  us  and  kicked  us. 

And  Micklellan  hez  no  chance — he  won't  liev 
the  givin  uv  the  post-offises.     Wah !  * 

And  Sherman  took  Atlanta,  and  chawd  up 
Hood!     Wah! 

And  Lee  wants  the  Wcldon  road,  but  he  can't 
git  it.     Wah! 


*  In  korius — all  2gcther. 


232  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

And  Gov.  Morton  took  the  revolvers  from  the 
peece  men  uv  Injeany.     Wah ! 

And  the  draft  won't  be  resisted,  and  the  j^rovo 
marshels  will  hev  whole  skins.     Wah ! 

Wale!  For  Maine  and  Vermont,  wich  wuz 
tired  uv  the  war,  and  wuz  a  goin  for  Micklellan, 
hev  voted  Ablishn  with  a  loosenis. 

Wale!  For  our  rulers  oppress  us.  They  let 
their  men  vote  in  the  army,  but  won't  let  our 
men  vote  in  Canady !     Wah  ! 

Wale !  For  the  Ablishnists  shel  hold  the  orfises, 
and  we  shel  be  numbered  among  the  outs !    Wah ! 

Wale !  For  in  the  fucher  I  see  no  way  uv  livin 
but  bv  work ! 

Why  wuz  I  born  in2  sicli  a  world !  Why  wuz 
whisky  created,  ef  yoo  can't  git  it  without  a  j^rice? 
Why  wuz  orfisis  establisht,  ef  thern  can't  git  em 
ez  wants  em  the  most  ? 

Micklellan  buried  his  thousands  in  the  swamps 
uv  the  Chickahominy — he  hath  buried  his  tens  of 
thousands  under  the  platform  he  kicked  over! 

The  Ablishnists  jeer  us,  and  flout  us;  they  wag 
their  heds  at  us,  sayin,  "Go  up,  bald  hed ! " 

And  we  hev  gone  uj^ ! 

Petroleum  Y.  IS'asby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


DESPONDENT.  233 


LXV. 

DESPONDENT. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
September  the  2Zd,  1864.      I 


I  AM  trubbled,  and  my  soul  is  biistin  with  greef. 
The  irrepressible  conflict  is  onto  us;  it  liez  bin 
transferd  from  the  Ablishnists  2  us,  and  it's  burnin 
among  us  like  the  onquenchable  fire.  And  wuss ; 
we  do  n't  know  how  to  remedy  the  evil,  coz  we  're 
in  a  state  uv  onsartinty — we  do  n't  know  how  nor 
where  we  're  lame. 

When  we  got  Micklellan  nominated,  I  to  wunst 
exclaimed,  "  Hallelooo:v  ! "  Here  wuz  fatnissf 
Here  wuz  a  candidate  upon  whom  the  entire 
party  cood  yoonite.  Ef  a  Dimokrat  wuz  rather 
inclined  to  human  gore,  we  cood  pint  triumfantly 
to  the  fact  uv  his  hevin  bin  a  general.  To  a 
peece  man  we  cood  say  "Pendleton,"  and  to  the 
Suthern  sympathizer,  uv  whom  we  liev  much,  we 
cood  prove  that  George  B.  never  did  the  Suthern 
army  wun-tenth  the  damage  he  did  the  Northern, 
and  wuz  ez  eezy  on  em  ez  he  cood  be  under  the 
serkumstancis,  and  we  put  him  on  a  platform 
that  wood  prove  all  uv  them  posishens.     A  can- 


-O 


234  PETEOLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

didate  iiv  sicli  stretchibility,  on  a  platform  so  ac- 
commodatin,  methouglit  ought  to  please  every- 
body ;  but  sumliow  it  did  n't.  Pcese  men  won't 
go  it,  becoz  it  ain't  peese  enuff;  war  men  won't 
go  it,  becoz  it  ain't  war  enuff;  and  the  Suthern 
men  won't  go  it,  becoz  it  do  n't  recognize  Suthern 
independence.  Hentz,  all  that  is  supportin  Mick- 
lellan  is  them  uv  our  people  who  wants  orfis — 
whose  principples  is  salary  and  perquisites. 

The  grate  Vallandigum  kicked  out  uv  the 
traces,  and  telegrapht  "All  is  lost!"  Alas!  how 
troo!  All  is  indeed  lost!  Atlanta  is  gone,  Mo- 
beel  is  goin,  and  Richmond  is  follerin  soot.  Da- 
vis and  Lee,  in  ther  extremity,  hold  out  ther 
hands  implorinly  to  the  I^orth,  and  wat  response 
do  they  git?  ]N"ar3^  We  air  powerlis.  Prove 
marshels  kin  arrest  deserters  at  ther  will,  the 
draft  will  be  enforst,  and  Linkin  will  be  electid. 
Troo,  all  is  lost!  The  Suthern  coz  is  lost,  the 
post'orfises  is  lost,  the  doggerys  is  lost! 

I  shel  emigrate  to  Canady.  There  the  Dimok- 
rasy  are  in  the  majority — there,  in  that  cold,  in- 
hospitable clime  we  kin  reorganize  the  party.  It 
will  soot  us  better.  It 's  colder  there  than  here, 
and  the  system  requires  a  greater  quantity  uv 
stimulatin  flooids.  The  niggers  we  will  enslave, 
and  there  will  we  build  up  a  goverment  based 


LAMEXTETH.  23.J 

upon  the  ijce  uv  the  sooperiority  iiv  the  Anglo- 
Sacksiin  race.     "  The  stun  wich  the  bilders  re- 
jected," et  settry.     In  Canady  will  we  find  that 
pcese  wich  is  denied  us  here. 
Mournfly, 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


LXVI. 

LAMENTETH. 


Church  ttv  the  Noo  Dispexsashun,  ) 
October  the  lAth,  1864.      i 

I  'vE  cum  2  a  conclooshen.  I  'm  satisfide  that 
Pennsilwany,  Ohio,  and  Injeany  hev  gone  for 
Ablishn.  I  seed  it  in  a  daily  paper.  Therefore, 
I  direct  that  every  church  in  my  dyoceese  be 
draped  in  mournin,  (the  same  we  used  when  we 
heerd  uv  Atlanta  will  anscr,)  and  that  the  follerin 
sam  uv  angish  be  chantid  at  every  servis,  until  wo 
git  the  returns  from  Xoo  Gersey. 

Ohio!     Pcnsilwany!     Iiijoany! 
Pennsilwany  is  cussid,  Ohio  is  cusseder,  but  In- 
jeany is  cussidest. 


236  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

Weep,  0  my  people,  for  lo !  the  hind  sites  is 
kiioct  off  us ! 

Grnash  yer  teeth,  for  the  staits  we  counted  on 
the  most  hev  gone  the  wust  agin  us. 

Tare  yer  hair,  for  Voorhees  is  beet. 

Throw  ashes  on  yer  hed,  for  little  sam  cox  is 
gone  up. 

Array  yerself  in  shoddy,  for  we  're  all  gone  up. 

Ef  sich  is  dun  in  the  green  tree,  wat  will  it  be 
in  the  dry. 

I  am  a  fountain  uv  lamentations — they  run 
from  me  ez  doth  the  water  from  the  springs. 

Can  we  look  2  the  South  for  comfort?  JNTay, 
verily. 

For  Atlanta  is  gone,  and  Lee  rageth  in  vain, 
and  Early  is  chawd  up  eggreejusly. 

And  Linkin,  and  Grant,  and  Sherman,  and  Sher- 
idan are  lafhn  with  much  laffter — ^they  feel  good. 

But  their  mirth  is  our  wo,  their  meat  is  our 
pizen. 

Can  we  look  to  the  North  ?  jS'ot  any ;  for  that  is 
a  Sahara  Desert  uv  Ablishnism,  with  nary  a  oasis. 

Wher  is  the  post-offisis?  Wher  is  the  collek- 
terships,  and  wher  the  tother  places  uv  profit? 
They  are  not  for  us. 

To  the  East  we  stretch  our  hands,  and  Maine 
ansers,  "  'ror  for  Linkin ! " 


LAMEXTETH.  237 

To  the  West  we  turn,  and  Injeany  pops  it  to 
us  to  the  tune  uv  30,000. 

We  hot  revolvers  in  that  Stait,  and  lo!  we 
committid  sooicide  with  em. 

We  are  a  dove,  a  peece  dove,  shoved  out  uv  the 
political  ark. 

And  the  deluge  uv  Ablishnism  ragcth  wildly, 
and  shows  no  sign  uv  subsidin. 

And  we  air  weery,  but  kin  find  no  place  to  rest 
our  foot. 

Bestir  thyself,  0  Lee!  if  yoo  wood  save  us  in 
November. 

On  yoo  we  bet  our  pile ;  yoo  are  our  anker  and 
our  cheefest  trust. 

We  preech  in  vane  that  the  war  is  a  faleyoor, 
while  yoo  air  bein  whi^^ped  once  or  twice  per  day. 

Be  valiant,  for  gold  is  goin  down,  and  goods  is 
goin  with  it,  and  the  Ablishnists  lafl'  and  the  i>ce- 
ple  is  content. 

Whale  Grant  jist  wunst,  and  give  us  wun  more 
chanse. 

Lift  us  out  uv  the  pit  in2  wich  we  hev  fallen — 
giv  us  solid  ground  to  stand  on. 

Then  will  our  wailins  be  turned  to  joy,  and  our 
lamentations  to  songs  uv  gladnis. 

Petroleum  Y.  Kasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


238  PETKOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

LXVII. 

THE   PLANTER'S   LAMENT. 


Wieh  wuz  written  by  me,  to  the  toon  uv  "/  wish  I  wuz  a  Angel,"  wich,  s%nce 
the  eleckshun,  I  trooly  wish  I  wuz. 


0,  WUNST  I  WUZ  a  planter, 

A  reglar  F.  F.  V.; 
I  owned  five  hundred  niggers, 

Whose  work  supportid  me. 
0,  dident  I  hump  them  niggers. 

And  make  their  sweatin  pay? 
I  cat-o-nined  the  lazy, 

And  worked  em  night  and  day. 

I  had  a  gorjus  carriage, 

Four  hosses  fleet  ez  wind, 
A  fat  nig  on  for  driver, 

Two  footmen  on  behind  ; 
The  hangins  they  wuz  damask, 

The  trimmins  rare  and  rich, 
Jest  ez  they  do  in  Europe, 

Wher  they  hev  lords  and  sich. 

I  went  to  Saratogy 

With  flunkies  in  my  train, 
I  spent  my  cash  by  thousands, 

And  when  at  home  again. 


THE   planter's   LAMENT.  239 

To  make  up  the  expenses, 

I  'd  sell  off  nigs  a  skore, 
And  to  keep  up  the  labor 

I  worked  the  rest  the  more. 

Uv  coarse,  I  went  to  Congris, 

Ez  all  the  Lash-lords  do  ; 
I  spent  my  nites  at  poker, 

At  seven-up  and  loo. 
We  bullied  dough-faced  Yankees, 

And  made  cm  bow  tlie  knee, 
Ez  umble  ez  our  nijTt!;ers, 

Before  the  chivalrce. 

At  home  we  huntid  niggers. 

With  dorgs  and  ketchers  skilled; 
CJp  North  Bookannon's  marshels 

The  blood-hounds  places  filled ; 
Our  sins,  no  odds  how  black  they  wuz. 

Did  never  trubble  us, 
Our  Northren  friends  wood  sholder  em, 

And  take,  themselves,  the  cuss. 

But  all  them  days  is  past  and  gone; 

The  Yank,  at  last,  hez  riz; 
He  won't  acknollij  cnny  more 

That  we  his  master  is. 
My  munny  JcfTson  D.  hez  got, 

My  niggers,  drest  in  bloo. 
Air  a  fitin  us  ez  owned  em, 

And  a  whippin  uv  us  too. 


240  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

0  wat  week  worms  we  mortals  is, 

Who  never  is  content; 
We  lied  a  good  thing,  but  2  git 

A  better,  let  it  went. 
We  hed  the  bone,  but  let  it  go, 

To  grab  a  glitt'ring  shadder; 
We  've  lost  em  both,  and  since  hev  gone 

From  mity  bad  to  badder. 


Lxvm. 

HAS  A  DREAM. 


Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashtjn,  ) 
October  the  2\st,  1864.      i 

I  AM  no  bleever  in  gosts  or  dreems,  or  sich,  nor 
never  wuz.  Ef  the  tyrant  Linkin,  (wich  is  a 
ape,)  shood  draft  me,  and  I  shood  be  dragged  to 
the  tentid  feeld,  a  unwillin  marter,  I  know  I  shood 
much  prefer  meetin  the  gost  uv  a  rebel  soljer, 
wich  is  a  shadder,  than  2  enkounter  wun  in  the 
flesh,  with  a  muskit  and  baynet,  wich  is  no  shad- 
der. Dreems  is  likewise  unsubstanshel,  and  result, 
9  cases  out  uv  10,  frum  aboose  uv  the  stumick.  I 
dreem  but  seldom,  and  wen  I  do,  I  alluz  attribit 
it  2  eatin  a  pound  or  two  more  sassij,  or  drinkin 
a  quart  or  two  more  whisky,  than  I  reel}^  need, 
late  at  nite;  and  I  never  bleevd  they  wuz  pro- 


HAS    A    DREAM.  241 

phctik,  becoz  I  don't  allow  that  tlie  seat  uv  proph- 
esy is  located  in  the  stumick.  These  is  my  the- 
ory uv  gosts,  dreems,  and  sich. 

I  hed  a  dreem  last  nite,  wich  left  a  impreshn  on 
my  mind.  I  hed  bin  preparin  a  sermon,  provin 
that  "  Servants,  obey  yoor  masters,"  justified  the 
ketchin  uv  niggers  with  dorgs,  wen  I  fell  asleep 
and  dreemed.  Methawt  I  wuz  dead,  and  hed  laid 
in  that  stait  200  yeers,  and  hed  awoken,  and  found 
myself  agin  on  earth.  I  saw  nothin  pekoolyer. 
There  wuz  more  ralerodes,  and  more  skool-houses, 
and  in2  wun  uv  the  latter  I  went. 

The  skool-marm  wuz  eggsaminin  a  class  uv 
youngsters  in  histry. 

"  Who  wuz  the  greatist  and  goodest  men  the 
Yoonitid  Staits  ever  prodoost?  " 

"  George  Washington  and  Abcrham  Linkin." 

"What  did  they  do?" 

"Washington  foundid  the  govermcnt,  and  Lin- 
kin preservd  it." 

"Who  wuz  the  wust  men  the  country  pro- 
doost?" 

A  little  gurl  anserd : 

"Joodath  Ithcariot,  Benedict  Arnold,  Jeff  Da- 
vith  and  Yallandigum." 

"Yoo  air  wrong,  my  child,"  retortid  the  skool- 
marm.     "Judas  lived  in  another  country,  and  be4 


242  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

the  others.  They  were  so  simlcr,  however,  that 
the  error  is  excoosible.  What  did  Arnold,  and 
Davis,  and  Yallandigum  do?" 

"Arnold  betrayed  his  country,  and  took  up  arms 
agin  it;  Davis  rebelled  agin  his  goverment,  and 
Vallandigum  helped  him  all  he  cood  without  get- 
tin  hisself  into  danger." 

"  What  names  were  given  them  ez  opposed  the 
goverment,  in  '76  and  '61?" 

"  Tories  and  Copperheds." 

"Which  wuz  the  wust,  the  Tories  or  Copper- 
heds?" 

"  That  pint  hez  bin  much  discust,  but  no  kon- 
kloosion  hez  ever  bin  arriv  at." 

"How  menny  times  wuz  Linkin  electid  Presi- 
dent?" 

"Two." 

"  Had  he  enny  opposition  for  the  sekkund 
term?" 

"]S"un  2  speek  uv.  The  rebels  and  Copperheds 
run  a  disgracd  soljer,  whose  name  sum  historyans 
giv  ez  Mickfadden,  uthers  ez  Micknellan,  and 
uthers  ez  Micklellan ;  but  ez  he  reseevd  no  votes 
in  the  elektoral  collij,  the  eleckshun  wuz  consid- 
derd  unanimus.  The  Copperhed  candidate  sunk 
in2  obskoority  after  the  war,  and  he  wuz  forgotten, 
wich  wuz  lucky  for  his  children." 


HAS   A   DREAM.  243 

I  notist  about  haff  the  childorn  lied  on  bloo 
ribbin ;  one-fourth  wuz  drest  ordinary,  and  the 
balence  hed  a  white  rag  pinned  to  ther  bax.  I 
asked  the  skool-marm  wat  this  indikatid.  She 
askt  me  ef  I  wuz  a  furriner ;  to  wich  I  anserd,  I 
wuz,  a  furrin  prince  in  disgise,  on  a  tower  uv  ob- 
servashen.    She  replied : 

"  Them  ez  hez  bloo  ribbins  is  the  descendants 
uv  the  soljers  uv  the  grate  rebellion;  them  with 
no  dekorations  is  descndid  frum  loyal  men  who 
wuz  not  soljers;  and  them  poor  things  who  hev 
the  white  rag,  [she  bustid  in2  teers  and  wept  per- 
foosely,]  are  the  unforchnit  desendance  uv — Cop- 
perheds !  " 

I  visitid  a  court-house.  The  case  they  wuz 
tryin  wuz  slander.  One  man  hed  asserted  that  the 
great-great-grandfather  uv  another,  who  wuz  a 
opposin  candidate  for  Gustis  uv  the  Peese,  hed 
bin  a  Copperhed.  Plaintiff  brot  into  court  a  old 
paper  printed  in  1864,  wich  showd  that  sed  an- 
cestor wuz  on  a  Linkin  scntrel  koniity.  Goory 
brot  in  a  verdick  uv  |10,000  for  plaintiff. 

I  awoke  frum  this  dreem  in  a  cold  swet.  "  Is 
it  possible,"  thot  I,  "that  posterity  will  so  regard 
us?"  and  for  a  minnit  I  wuz  almost  persiiadid  t(^ 
be  a  Christian.  15 ut  I  thot  uv  the  post-offisis,  and 
sed  2  myself,  "  What  is  posterity  to  a  ded  man? 


244  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

Let  me  hev  offis,  and  the  mencs  uv  keepin  my 

skin  full  uv  whisky  without  work,  and  posterity 

may  think  wot  it  pleezis."    And  I  resoomed  laber 

on  my  sermon. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


LXIX. 

LOSES   A    FRIEND,    AND   WRITES    HIS    OBITUARY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
October  the  28th,  1864.      ) 

A  FILLER  hez  fallen !  Last  nite,  at  10  o'clock 
and  67  minits  P.  M.,  Issaker  Punt,  a  dekun  uv 
my  Church,  and  the  heftiest  piller  in  the  instooshn, 
in  fact  the  only  one  who  pade  his  qwarterige  reg- 
ler,  departid  this  life. 

Brother  Punt  wuz  born  a  Dimekrat;  he  re- 
seeved  the  faith  by  inheritance,  as  his  father  wuz 
one  afore  him.  And  that  faith  he  kept.  He  mite 
hev  bin  sedoost  in2  the  by  and  ferbidden  paths 
uv  Whiggery  and  Ablishnism,  and  sich,  but  knoin 
the  frailty  uv  human  nacher,  he  persistently  re- 
foozd  to  learn  2  reed,  and  thus  made  himself 
sekoor  from  the  wiles  uv  unscroopulus  politishns. 
It  wuz  a  butiful   trate   in   his   karikter   that   he 


LOSES  A   FRIEND.  24o 

wood  never  vote  a  tikkit  that  he  did  not  git  frum 
the  hands  uv  a  sentral  committee-man ! 

Brother  Punt  commenst  his  polittikle  life  a 
votin  for  Androo  Jaxn,  when  he  wuz  but  18  years 
old.  The  rigid  moralist  may  obgect  to  this  act,  cz 
illcglo.  It  wuz  obgectid  2  at  the  time,  and  the 
youthful  hero  wuz  arrestid  and  impriznd,  and  he 
wood  hev  remaned  in  prizn  two  yeers,  lied  he  not 
bin  jiardoned  out  by  a  Dimekratik  guvner,  jest 
afore  the  next  elekshun.  We  next  find  him  bat- 
tlin  for  Dimokrasy  in  the  person  uv  Martin  Van 
Booren.  At  that  elekshun  he  votid  twice,  and 
drunk  172  times.  Ez  he  repeetedly  remarkt  2 
me,  that  day  wuz  a  tryin  one.  The  first  hundred 
drinks  wuz  nateral — the  balens  wuz  excess ;  but 
he  hed  pledgd  his  township  for  a  certin  magor- 
ity,  the  candidates  hed  given  him  the  munny  2 
treet  with,  and  he  wuz  determined  2  do  it  ef  it 
cost  him  a  attack  uv  delirium  trecmens.  He 
wuz  alluz  reddy  2  sacrifice  his  bowils  for  the 
coz. 

He  manijd  to  survive  Harrison's  elekshun,  and 
wuz  activ  in  prookoorin  Poke's  triumpli.  He 
mourned  doorin  Fillmore's  rane,  and  rejoist  with 
eckscedin  grate  joy  doorin  Pecrse  and  Bookan- 
non's. 

In  1860  he  did  n't  vote  for  nobody.     He  knodc 


246  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Diiglis  wiiz  a  Dimekrat,  and  so  wuz  Breckcnrij. 
He  attendid  meetins  iiv  both  factions,  and  hoorayd 
viggerusly  for  both,  but,  unforchnitly,  the  com- 
mitty  who  hed  furnisht  him  tikkits  for  yeers  wuz 
divided — one-haif  for  Duglis  and  tother  for  Breck- 
inrij.  He  coodent  deside  wich  wuz  the  reel  Dim- 
ekratik  tikkit,  and  so,  on  elekshun  day,  he  went  2 
the  poles,  and  -went  thro  the  moshuns  uv  votin 
with  a  peese  uv  blank  paper. 

But  he  hed  no  doubts  ez  to  opposin  Linkin — he 
knode  he  wuz  no  Dimekrat,  for  both  committy- 
men  told  him  so.  0,  with  what  goy  he  heerd  the 
nooze  uv  the  firin  on  Fort  Sumter !  With  what 
eckstasy  he  heerd  uv  Bull  Run!  No  man  in  the 
North  exhibbitid  more  ability  in  swarin  at  Lin- 
kin— no  one  cood  retail  2  better  advantage  the 
lies  the  sentrel  committy  desidid  to  serkelait. 

Brother  Punt  growd  low-sperited  at  the  battle 
uv  Stone  River,  and  kept  failin  ez  Linkin's  dorgs 
advanst.  He  britened  up  a  little  ^ven  Forist 
killed  the  niggers  at  Fort  Filler;  but  Sheridan 
and  the  Injeany  eleckshuns  prostratid  him  feer- 
fully,  and  he  becum  so  redoost  that  his  likker  hed 
2  be  fed  2  him  with  a  spoon. 

Brother  Punt  wuz  a  consistent  member  uv  the 
Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun.  Before  jinin 
my  flock,  it  wuz  his  boast  that  he  hed  never  bin 


LOSES   A   FRIEXD.  247 

inside  a  meetin-lioiisc.  There4  he  rejoist  at  the 
oppertoonity  uv  heerin  a  pure  gospil,  in2  wich,  ef 
the  nigger  wuz  interdoost  at  all,  he  wuz  put  in 
and  held  up  hand-cufft,  wich  is  alluz  refreshin  to 
the  troo  Dimekratik  mind.  He  despisd  Ablishn 
preechin. 

Brother  Punt's  Dimokrasy  wuz  uv  a  broad, 
comperhensive  karicter.  He  follered  the  party. 
Opposed  to  Stait's  rites  and  secession  under  Jaxn, 
he  wuz  in  favor  uv  both  in  1864,  Opposed  to 
slaivry-extension  in  '48,  he  favord  it  in  '60,  and 
so  on.  The  immejit  coz  uv  his  deth  wuz  this 
tyrannikle  Administrashen.  Whisky  hod  got  so 
high  that  he  wuz  forst  2  diloot  it,  and  at  his  age 
he  coodent  stan  it.  He  died  uv  water  on  the 
stumic. 

I  wuz  with  him  in  his  last  momence.  His 
mind  wandered,  and  he  talked  uv  goin  wher  he  'd 
finelly  hev  a  post-orfis.  The  doctor,  who  wuz  a 
Ablishnist,  unfeelinly  remarkt,  that  ef  ther  wuz 
mails  in  the  country  he  wuz  goin  2,  it  wood  be 
nessary  to  hev  fire-proof  mail-bags.  Like  all 
other  grate  men,  he  hed  his  last  words  (no  mem- 
ber uv  my  flock  sliel  die  without  hevin  last 
words,  so  long  ez  I  kin  write) — I  writ  em  yis- 
terdy.  They  wuz:  "Hev  we  carried  Pennsyl- 
wany? — my  coppers   is   burnt  out! — put  on   my 


248  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBT. 

tomb-stun,  "He  voted  erly  and  often,  and  never 
skratched  a  tikkit." 

Ez  winter  is  approachin,  and  I  need  a  new  soot 
uv  klose,  I  hev  determined  to  call  upon  the  breth- 
ren for  funds  to  erect  a  sootable  monument  to  the 
memory  uv  this  sterlin  Dimekrat.  Sums  uv  10 
sents  (wich,  sence  Vallandigum's  speckelashun,  is 
the  orthodox  Dimekratik  contribushen,)  for  this 
purpus,  may  be  sent  2  me,  with  the  asshoorence 
that  it  will  be  faithfully  used. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


LXX. 


ISSUES  AN  "APPELE." 


Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensasi 
October  the  31st, 


SNSASHTJN,.) 

t,  1861      J 

Fello  Dimekrats  uv  the  Yoonited  Staits: 
I  address  yoo !  JSTot  speshally  in  the  bowils  uv 
luv,  but  from  the  bowils  uv  necessity;  and  from 
them  bowils  alluz  cums  the  most  agonizin  cries. 
Next  Toosday  is  the  eventful  day  wich  desides 
whether  the  post-orfises  is  to  remane  another  four 
yeers  in  the  hands  uv  the  Ablishnists,  or  whether 


ISSUES  AN    "ArPELE."  249 

we,  who  arc  literally  hungrin  and  tliirstin  fur  cm, 
shcl  hev  em. 

I  appele  not  only  2  the  Dimokrasy,  but  2  the 
people.  We  hev  lied  4  yeers  uv  onpleasantnis — 
2  uv  wich,  after  the  grate  Micklellan  wuz  dismist 
by  a  corrupt  administrashen  wuz  actooal  war. 
Wat  hez  bin  the  result? 

We  hev  overrun  over  the  half  uv  the  Dime- 
kratic  Staits. 

We  hev  slawterd  untold  thousens  uv  good  Dim- 
ekrats,  who  '11  never  rally  2  the  poles  agin. 

We  hev  made  it  necessary  for  our  Suthern  breth- 
ren 2  run  up  a  debt  wich  they  kin  never  pay. 

We  hev  bombardid  their  cities  and  burned 
their  houses. 

We  hev  stole  their  niggers  and  made  cm  fite 
their  masters,  wich  is  unscriptooral. 

A  vote  for  the  ape  Linkin  is  a  vote  to  continue 
all  this,  until  the  South  lies  helpless  at  his  feet, 
shorn  uv  her  niggers  and  Dimokrasy,  wich  is  sy- 
nonimus  terms. 

A   vote  for   Micklellan    is    altogether  another 

thing.     It  is  a  vote  for  a  armistis — a  cessashen 

uv  hostilitis  until  we  kin  find  out  what  the  South 

want,  and  also  whether  the  people  is  in  a  frame 

uv  mind  for  givin.     Ef  they  ain't,  then  the  war 

will  be  continued,  but  in  such  a  gentle  and  broth- 
16 


250  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

erly  stile,  that  wc  will  soon  be  willin  to  kum  2 
sech  terms  ez  they  desire. 

0.  my  brethrin,  imagin  us  back  under  the  wing 
uv  the  Democratic  Staits,  with  Davis  and  Toombs 
and  Stephens  back  in  the  Senit,  a  releevin  uv  us 
uv  all  the  trubble  uv  guverment,  and  a  thro  win 
2  us  sech  offisis  ez  they  do  n't  want  2  fill,  with  a 
prodygal  hand !  0  the  delites  uv  them  picter ! 
It  may  be  realised. 

I  give  the  follerin  few  plane  rools  to  be  follered 
by  our  workin  committis : 

1.  Do  n't  argue,  unless  yoo  kin  git  holt  uv  a 
Ablishnist  who  can't  reed,  and  then  be  sure  yoo 
git  him  out  uv  the  way,  wher  no  uther  Ablish- 
nists  kin  heer  what  yoo  say  2  him. 

2.  Hev  yoor  knockin  down  committis  on  hand 
early,  and  be  sure  they  are  joodishus  men,  who 
will  keep  sober  enuff  2  know  who  2  hit. 

3.  Ef  yoo  hev  a  recent  convert  frum  Ablish- 
nism  in  hand,  keep  him  drunk  by  all  means,  no 
matter  wat  the  whisky  costs.  Ef  he  is  allowd  to 
git  sober,  he  '11  be  very  .apt  to  go  agin  us. 

4.  Git  the  fraudulent  votes  all  in,  early  in  the 
mornin,  be4  too  menny  uv  the  enemy  are  on  hand 
2  be  easily  whaled. 

This  is  our  last  chance.  Ef  we  fail  on  Mick- 
lellan,  we  're  gone  in  for  want  uv  leeders.     They 


ISSUES  AN  "appele."  251 

must  hev  offis,  for  they  can't  live  on  credit  for- 
ever. 

Rally,  then,  to  the  poles !  Remember  the 
drafts  and  the  taxes,  and  rally !  The  opposi- 
shen  tell  us  that  we  will  be  draftid  and  taxt,  the 
same  under  Micklellan  as  under  Linkin.  It  is 
probbyble;  but  0,  my  friends,  can't  yoo  see  how 
much  better  it  is,  that  yoo  shood  be  draftid  and 
taxt  for  the  benefit  uv  yer  frends,  than  for  the 
benefit  uv  yer  enemies!  We  who  expect  to  hold 
the  offisis  kin. 

Then  make  wun  last  effort,  and  deserve  the 
success  I  wish  we  wuz  shoorer  uv  winnin. 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


252  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


LXXI. 

HAS  A  DIFFICULTY  WITH  HIS  FLOCK  AND  LEAVES  IT. 

Onto  the  Wing,  November  the  10th,  1864. 

The  cly  is  cast !  All  is  ore !  Ef  Freedom 
shreekt  wen  Kossikusco  fell,  she  must  hev  squawkt 
last  Toosdy  nite  ez  she  beheld  the  innanymait 
corpse  iiv  the  Dimekratik  party,  which  fell,  crush- 
ing Little  Mack,  and  the  hopes  uv  sum  hundreds 
uv  thowsens  uv  good  Dimekrats,  who  spectid  to 
be  persuadid  by  ther  frends  in2  acceptin  the  vari- 
ous offisis  under  the  guvment. 

I  am  a  lost  and  rooined  man.  My  people  are 
uv  the  troo  Dimekratik  stripe.  They  hev  faith 
in  me.  They  bleeve  wat  I  tell  em.  I  told  em 
Micklellan  wuz  certin  uv  the  elecshun,  and  that 
I  hed  ded-wood  on  the  disposle  uv  the  offisis  in 
that  seckshun.  It  immejitly  bekum  a  eezy  matr 
ter  to  borrer  munny.  It  wuz  deliteful — wood,  0 
wood  that  it  cood  hev  bin  perpetooal.  Brother 
Savij  lent  me  |50,  with  a  request  that  I  wood 
speek  a  good  word  for  him  for  a  furrin  mishn.  I 
assoomd  a  virchus  look,  and  replide  that  I  never 
sold  my  inilooense,  but  that  I  alluz  had  a  ad- 
mirashen  for  his  massiv  intellek  and  menny  vir- 


HAS  A  DIFFICULTY  WITH   HIS  FLOCK.        253 

choos.  Brother  Guttle  lent  me  munny,  wantin 
this,  and  Brother  Sludge  wantin  that;  in  breef, 
evry  indivijjle  uv  era  who  hed  a  forched  a  inch 
high,  spectid  suthin.         *         *         * 

The  returns  cum  in.  Ohio — Linkin  !  "Good! 
'Rah!"  shouts  I,  with  grate  presence  uv  mind. 

"Why  good?"  anxshusly  asks  the  expectants. 

"  Bccoz,  to  carry  Ohio,  the  Ablishnists  must 
hev  brot  votes  from  Noo  York,  wich  will  give  us 
that  Stait,  shoor." 

Noo  York — Linkin  ! 

"Good  Lord!"  ansers  I,  promptly;  "the  Noo 
York  Ablishnists  must  hev  votid  in  Ohio,  and 
hev  got  home  in  time  2  vote  agin.  But  wait  for 
Pennsilwany." 

Pennsilwany — Linkin ! 

"My  frends,  ther  wuz  fraud — Massy chusits  sol- 
jers,  at  leest  40,000,  must  hev  votid  there.  Li- 
jeana  will  do  it,  however." 

Injeana — Linkin ! 

"Not  less  than  40,000  Massy  chusits  soljers  hev 
votid  there.     Illinois  is  safe,  though." 

Illinois — Linkin. 

"40,000  Massychu— " 

"Give  me  my  munny!"  roard  Savij,  and  the 
same  remark,  with  variashcns,  wuz  made  by  (Jut- 
tie,  Sludge,  and  the  rest  uv  cm. 


254  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

"  Grently,  my  frends,"  sed  I,  backin  out  uv  the 
door.  "We  hev  bin  defeetid,  but  the  grate  prin- 
cipple  that  a  white  man  is  better  than  a  nigger, 
for  wich  we  hev  so  long  fought,  still  lives.  Let 
us  sink  all  miner  considrashens,  and" — 

The  miner  considerashens  I  referred  to  wuz, 
however,  uppermost  in  their  minds,  for  they  all 
went  for  me,  yellin  like  Cuscororious  Injins,  "Grive 
me  my  munny!"  whereupon  I  retreeted  2  the 
meetin-house,  lockin  myself  in.  They  surroundid 
it,  swarin  they  'd  starve  me  out. 

When  a  innocent  boy,  I  red  a  harrowin  tale 
uv  a  Rooshn  muther,  who  wuz  persood  by  frantic 
wolves,  and  who  saved  her  own  life  by  droppin 
her  children  to  em,  wun  by  wun.  My  privit  barel 
uv  whisky  wuz  in  my  study — I  wuz  saved !  I 
histid  it  out  uv  a  winder,  and  calmly  awaited  re- 
sults. They  flockt  around  it — they  took  turns 
at  the  bung-hole.  In  wun  short  hour  they  wuz 
stretched  helpless  on  the  plane,  ded  drunk.  Then 
and  there  I  resined  my  charge,  and  borrerin  sich 
munny  and  watches  ez  the  ungrateful  wretches 
hed  about  em,  to  make  up  arrears  uv  salary  and 
sich,  bid  adoo  2  em  furever.  I  shell  go  2  Noo 
Gersy.  Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  I)isj>ensashun. 


YE   LAMENT   OF   JOSEPH   BOWERS. 


•Joi 


LXXII. 

YE   LAMENT    OF   JOSEPH   BOWERS. 

PART  THE  1. 

My  name  it  is  Joe  Bowers,  and  I  hev  a  brother  Ike; 
We  lived  in  ole  ^lis-souri,  in  the  famous  county  Pike; 
We  both  wuz  Locofocos,  my  brother  Ike  and  me, 
Jest  ez  strong  and  nasty  ez  there  hved  in  Missou-ree. 


Kow  Ike  and  me  both  bed  nice  farms,  and  wuz  fore -handed 

like ; 
I  hed  five  hundred  acres,  and  the  same  bed  brother  Ike, 
And  fifty  healthy  niggers — men,  gals,  and  boys — hed  we, 
Ez  good  and  likely  darkeys  ez  ther  wuz  in  Missou-ree. 


We  wuz  gittin  rich,  indeed  we  wuz,  and  doin  mighty  well ; 
Our  crops  we  got  in  reg'lar — hed  enuff  to  use  and  sell; 
Indeed,  more  prosp'rous  men  you  W  travel  fur  to  see. 
Than  me  and  brother  Ike,  in  Pike  County,  Missou-ree. 


258  PETROLEUM    V.   NASBY. 

In  1860,  'lection  come — Lord,  was  n't  ther  a  muss ! 
It  stirred  up  all  the  country,  and  reached  even  down  to  iis. 
The  man  wot  told  us  how  to  vote,  come  round  and  said  that  we 
Must  help  for  to  make  Breckinridge  to  carry  Missou-ree. 

He  told  us  that  if  Linkin  should  our  ruler  be, 
He  'd  take  our  niggers  from  us  all,  and  every  one  set  free. 
That,  wuss  than  that,  if  we  to  him  the  power  to  do  it  gave, 
Black  Cuffee  he  'd  the  master  be,  and  Joe  Bowers  be  the  slave. 


PART  THE  2. 

Election  past,  and  our  Breckinridge  wuz  cadawshusly  chawd  up, 
For  Linkin  run  the  appinted  race  jest  like  a  yaller  pup  ; 
Then  the  man  wat  told  us  how  to  vote,  come  round  and  sed 

that  we 
Could  only  find  our  rites  in  the  South  Confed'racy. 

I  didn't  understood  it,  but  I  histid  up  my  hat 
For  Suthern  rites,  our  system,  and  sech  other  things  as  that, 
Attendid  all  the  meetins  held  to  help  along  the  cause, 
And  viggerously  damd  old  Abe  and  his  Abohshn  laws. 

The  war  broke  out,  and  me  and  Ike  bled  mity  freely  then ; 
I  gave  a  thousand  dollars  toward  a  regiment  of  men. 
And  thought  that  if  't  would  keep  our  nigs  from  bein  stole 

away, 
The  money  we  invested  wuz  well  spent,  and  sure  would  pay. 


PART  THE  3. 

Well,  Gin'ral  Price  come  to  our  parts  with  his  grand  ar-mi-ee; 
They  campt  on  my  plantation,  foot,  boss,  artillery. 


YE   LAMENT   OF   JOSEPH   BOWERS.  2o9 

The  Gin'ral  used  my  house,  his  men  burnt  all  they  could  n't 

steal ; 
Ther  wuz  nary  rooster  left  to  crow,  nor  nary  pig  to  squeal. 


The  fences  vanished  quicker,  and  my  barns  the  cusses 
found 

Convenient  for  to  cook  the  hogs  they  found  runnin  loose 
around, 

Next  mornin  Gin'ral  Price,  scz  he,  "  You  're  a  true  South- 
ern son ; 

You  're  not  the  man  for  Abolisheners  to  spit  upon. 

"Them  patriots  you  see,  Joe — 

[I  see  em  a  roastin  eggs  in  the  ashes  uv  my  fences,  bam!!,  and  sich,] 

— are  a  fitin  for  your  sake, 
We  're  playin  a  heavy  game  jest  now,  and  our  niggers  is 

the  stake. 
We  need  your  mules   and  bosses,  Joe,  and   your  healthy 

niggers,  too — 
You  may  keep  all  the  old  ones — for  our  uses  they  won't  do. 

"  Sech  money  ez  you  hev,  Joe,  we  '11  borrer,  for  you  know 
Onless  we  hev  the  spelter,  all  our  efforts  is  no  go." 


260 


PETROLEUM   Y.    NASBY. 


And  noticing  a  rope  noose  that  they  'd  rigged  up  to  a  tree, 

(Wich  is  a  Missouri  hint,  used  extensively  to  inspire  confidence  m  Confederit  money,) 

We  ■vvillin  give  em  what  they  askt,  did  brother  Ike  and  me. 

They  took  my  bosses  and  my  mules,  and  ev'ry  nig  I  bed, 
'Cept  two  small  babies  and  a  old  one  that  wuz  nearly  dead, 
Six  hundred  dollars  in  good  gold — they  left  me  nary  cent. 
Then  settin  fire  to  my  house — 


[To  prevent  the  enemy  from  occupyin  it,] 


-this  band  of  patriots  went. 


YE   LAMENT    OF   JOSEril   BOWERS. 


261 


TART  THE  4— CONCLUSION. 

A  workin  on  the  levee,  in  Cincinnati-ec 
Is  not  quite  bcin  a  planter  in  Pike  County,  Missou-ree, 
Joe  Bowers  wanted  Suthern  rites ;  he  got  em  all,  and  he 
Thinks  he  could  live  without  em,  if  he  wuz  back  in  Mis- 
sou-ree. 

EPITAFF — THE   PINT   TO  WniCH   IS   OBVIOUS, 

"Wich  I  wish  inscribed  on  my  tomb-stone,  if  my  Administrator  kin  sell 
my  land  for  enuff  to  buy  one : 

"here  lies  joe  bowers. 

HE  WUZ  WELL.       HE    WOULD    BE    BETTER.      QE    TOOK    MEDICINE. 
AND    HERE    UE    IS." 


262  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LXXIII. 

TAKES   A    RETROSPECTIVE   VIEW. 

Saint's  Best,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,  "I 
November  the  Ui/i,  1864.      i 

Retrospex  is  profitable.  By  castin  a  prophetic 
eye  backards,  a  massive  intellek  kin  dissern  er- 
rors wich  hev  bin  made,  and  kin  dodge  em  in  the 
dim  and  misty  fiicher. 

The  old  Dimokrasy  was  wopt  in  the  larst  cam- 
pane,  solely  and  entirely  becoz  uv  its  own  stoo- 
pidity  and  coward  is.  I  say  it  boldly.  We  did  n't 
bleeve  in  the  war — we  wuz  opposed  to  it  in  the 
beginnin;  we  wantid  the  guvment  revolooshnizd 
to  keep  Noo  Ingland,  wich  is  spredin  herself  all 
over  the  West,  frum  submergin  the  entire  Dime- 
kratik  party.  Our  bark  wuz  on  the  sea — slaivry 
wuz  its  anker,  its  jib-boom,  its  rite  forrerd  mast, 
its  bow-sperit,  its  keel,  its  all.  Slaivry  wuz  our 
best  and  .only  holt.  The  Suthners  wantid  con- 
trole  uv  the  nashen,  that  they  mite  yoose  the 
sed  nashen  for  the  excloosive  benefit  uv  slaivry. 
Werry  good.  They  held  all  the  big  orfisis  for 
them  purpus ;  but,  thank  Hevin,  the  slaveholders 
coodent  hold  all  the  orfisis !     Ther  was  n't  enuff 


TAKES   A   RETROSPECTIVE   VIEW.  263 

iiv  em,  lialloloogy!  They  could  n't  come  up  Xorth 
and  hold  the  post-orfisis,  glory !  0  them  good  ole 
times !  They  wuz  libral  and  eezy  to  pleeze.  They 
allowed  us  2  Iigv  a  President  occasionally,  ef  we 
presentid  a  man  who  cood  give  bonds  to  em  2 
perform  ez  they  desired.  Peerse  wuz  wun  uv 
this  kind,  and  Bookannon  wuz  another,  and  the 
larst.  Ther  labor  wuz  complikatid  and  severe. 
Peerse  hed  to  establish  the  immaculate  consep- 
shun  uv  Popler  Suvrinty,  aginst  all  Dimekratik 
presedent,  and  poor  ole  Bookannon  wuz  forced  2 
strangle  the  noo-born  baby,  and  give  birth  2  the 
Lecompton  bill,  wich  wuz  a  severe  operashen  for 
wun  so  old  and  frale. 

Noo  Ingland  rebeld,  and  elektid  Linkin.  The 
South  appeled  2  arms.  Then  wuz  our  golden  op- 
portoonity.  We  shood  hev  took  up  arms,  druv 
the  yooserper  frum  his  sect,  and  installd  in  his 
place  a  sound,  conservativ,  constooshnel  Dime- 
krat.  Uv  coorse,  the  Ablishnists  wood  hev  re- 
sistid.  Ah !  I  shood  want  em  to.  Doth  the  ma- 
jestik  eegle  appeze  his  royal  appetiglit  on  bare 
bones?  He  dothent.  The  fat  and  joosy  karkis 
is  wat  his  hart  desires.  0  how  I  wood  hev  liked 
to  hev  led  a  regiment  uv  sich  braves  ez  them 
frends  uv  the  lait  Governor  Seemer,  who  killed 
the  niggers  in  Noo  York,  last  yeer,  thro  the  rich 


264  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

towns  uv  Massycliusitts !  Wher  the  karkis  is, 
ther  the  buzzards  will  be  also. 

We  did  n't  do  this.  What  wuz  the  next  best 
thing?  Cleerly  2  elect  ez  President  a  Diraekrat 
who  hed  Dimokrasy  enuff  to  turn  the  guvment 
over  to  its  legitimit  owners  ez  soon  ez  he  got  it. 
A  uncondishnel  peese  man  wuz  wat  we  wantid, 
and  on  a  uncondishnel  peese  platform.  We  hed 
hed  3  yeers  uv  war,  uv  taxis,  uv  drafts,  and  a 
whalin  draft  wuz  a  hangin  over  us  at  the  time. 
We  wuz  shoor  uv  6  classis,  to-wit,  viz : 

The  Dimekrat  proper,  who  got  his  pollytix  by 
inheritanse. 

The  casheerd  army  orfisers,  dismist  becoz  they 
disapproved  uv  the  manner  in  wich  the  war  wuz 
bein  conduktid. 

The  gentlemanly  contractors,  who  hed  furnisht 
hoss-beef  and  shoddy  cloth  2  the  soljers,  and  hed 
bin  caught  at  it. 

The  cowardly  cusses,  who  wuz  afeerd  uv  drafts. 

The  cappytalists,  who  hed  investid  in  Confedrit 
bonds. 

The  miserly  cusses,  who  groaned  at  taxes. 

Heer  wuz  a  array — a  phalanks  that  coodent  be 
broken;  for  wen  a  man  is  mean  from  interest,  ar- 
gument won't  fetch  him.  It 's  shootin  paper  wads 
aginst  a  iron-clad.      Yoo  mite  ez  well  whisper 


TAKES   A   RETROSPECTIVE   VIEW.  265 

Gray's  Elegy  in2  the  ear  uv  a  decl  guvment  mule, 
wicli  is  sed  2  be  the  dedest  thing  on  earth. 

But  Micklellan  wuz  nominated.  0,  wat  stoo- 
pidity!  It  wuz  dun  2  ketch  the  War  Dimekrats, 
they  sed.  The  War  Dimekrats  lifted  up  the 
Genei'al's  kote-tale  and  found  Pendleton  there, 
and  they  skatterd.  The  anti-draft  and  anti-tax 
Ablishnists  thought  they'd  ruther  be  taxt  and 
draftid  and  taxt  by  Linkin,  who  hed  alluz  drawd 
it  mild,  than  by  Micklellan.  The  soljers  remem- 
bered Chickahominy  swamps.  The  shoddy  theeves 
knowd  they  'd  stand  no  chance  agin  sech  expert 
practishners  ez  the  Woods,  and  Toucey,  and  sich, 
and  so  we  ^Taz  beeten. 

I  hev  hopes  that  we  will  yet  kum  out  rite. 
Geff'son  Da^is  is  armin  the  niggers ;  the  Dimok- 
rasy  hev  seed  the  folly  uv  philanderin  after  war, 
and  wun  good  Confedrit  victry  will  set  us  up  agin. 

Let  the  Dimekratik  virgins  keep  their  lamps 
full  uv  ile  and  trimmed. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 
17 


266  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


LXXIV. 

DEPRECATES  THE  ARMING  OF  THE  SLAVES  BY  THE 

SOUTH. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  \ 
November  the  21si,  1864.      I 

The  brave  and  shiverlus  South  hev  at  last  de- 
sided  upon  armin  their  niggers.  Ef  they  do  it,  it 
settles  the  question.  The  Ablishn  party  is  neerly 
eggsaustid,  and  can  not  hope  to  cope  successfully 
with  three  millions  uv  fresh  niggers,  the  most  uv 
em  desendid  drekly  from  the  fust  families  uv  the 
South.  The  nigger  will  fite !  I  may  hev  sed  at 
diifrent  times,  when  the  goriller  Linkin  wuz  armin 
uv  em,  that  they  woodent  fite,  but  it  wuz  a  lie  uv 
the  basest  character,  that  I  got  up  2  deseeve  the 
people.  Does  Boregard  fite?  Does  the  younger 
Masons,  and  Peytons,  and  Ruffins,  and  Slidells, 
and  sich?  Where  do  they  get  their  shiverlus 
darin  frum?  Onqueschenably  frum  the  old  Bore- 
gard, Mason,  Peyton,  Slidell,  et  settry.  Werry 
good.  Admittin  it 's  blood  that  does  it,  won't  the 
same  blood  that  makes  Kernel  Peyton  shivelrus, 
operate  the  same  way  when  coursin  thro  the 
vanes  uv  Sam,  his  hafi-brother?  Uv  coarse. 
Like  causes  perdoose  like  efi^ex.     Ef  Kernel  Pey- 


OilT 


AEMING  THE  SLAVES  BY  THE  SOUTH.         207 

ton  talks  a  close  uv  pills,  wat's  the  result?  Pre- 
cisely the  same  ez  wen  Pomji  takes  em.  Blood, 
like  pills,  operate  the  same  on  all  constooshns. 

The  mizable  hirelins  uv  Linkin  will  rue  the 
day  they  meet  these  dark  knites.  The  Suthern 
white  soljer  is,  I  am  aware,  a  mizable  cuss.  lie 
wuz  born  a  serf;  naclier  made  him  expressly  for 
them  system  uv  sosiety,  and  he  coodent  eggsist 
nowhere  else.  The  Suthern  lord  uv  the  sile  re- 
qwires  various  serviss.  Manyooel  labor  is  dun 
by  the  black,  but  his  votin  must  be  dun  by  whites. 
Naclicr  steps  in  and  furnishes  him  a  man  white 
enuff  to  vote,  and  low  enuif  to  be  owned,  lie  hez 
no  shiverlry,  and  woodent  fite  at  all  ef  't  want  for 
the  bloodid  offisers.  Imagin  entire  regyments 
uv  blooded  men — men  uv  the  fizzikle  strength  uv 
the  native  Afrikin,  animated  with  the  sperit  uv 
the  hawty  Southron — a  goriller  with  the  sole  uv 
Shevaleer  Bayard. 

I  hev  prayd  that  Linkin  will  spare  the  South 
this  bitter  cup.  Hez  the  retch  no  sole?  Imagin 
a  Suthern  offiscr  a  leedin  his  regymenl  iii2  battle. 
He  drors  nigh  to  the  enemy.  Whiz !  sings  a 
shell.  It  explodes!  He  is  safe,  but,  alars!  dis- 
persed in2  inch  peeses  is  Sipio,  his  nigger,  aiul 
perhaps  the  son  uv  his  grandfather's  son,  or,  may 
be,  the  unkle  uv  his  own  children !     That  shell 


268  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

cost  him  $1,500.  A  rifle  pops,  and  Pompcy  dies, 
who,  livin,  wood  hev  bin  dirt-cheep  at  $1,200. 
And  so  he  goes.  He  treds  the  path  uv  glory 
over  the  ded  bodies  uv  his  blood  relashens,  which 
is  also  his  forchune. 

Agin.  Ef  the  nigger  fites  alongside  uv  the 
white  man,  he  is  acknollijed  ez  his  ekal,  and  away 
goes  the  corner-stun  uv  Dimokrasy.  It  hez  alluz 
bin  a  consolashen  to  the  Northern  Dimekrat  to 
feel  that  ther  wuz  a  race  meaner  than  they  air. 
Shel  this  pleezin  deloosion  be  roodly  dissipatid? 
Ferbid  it,  Hevin! 

This  sacrifis  may  be  avoidid.  Linkin  hez  bin 
slitely  electid,  and  inezmuch  ez  he  hez  controle 
uv  suthin  over  a  milyun  muskits,  with  artilry  2 
match,  we  Dimekrats,  hevin  alluz  bin  a  law-abidin 
people,  shel  submit  quietly  2  the  popler  voice. 
But  we  kin  advize.  Linkin  hez  it  in  his  hands. 
Let  him  make  peese  immejitly  and  to-wunst.  Let 
him  send  commishners  2  Richmond,  under  same 
pay  ez  members  uv  Congris,  (I  will  go  for  wun,) 
to  treet  and  be  treeted.  Let  us  act  upon  the 
Micklellan  ijee.  Let  us  oifer  them  all  they  want 
to  kum  back,  and  ef  they  refooze — why  then  fite 
it  out,  on  constooshnel,  conservative  principples. 
Ef  they  do  refooze,  and  the  war  shood  be  prop- 
erly conductid,  I  shood  sacrifice  all  for  my  bleedin 


HAS   A   FRIGHTFUL   DREAM.  209 

country,  and    go  into  the  servis  cz  a  sutler.     I 
cood  not  hesitate  for  a  moment. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bispensashun. 


LXXV. 

HAS   A    FRIGHTFUL    DREAM. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey,  "I 
November  the  2'^Jth,  1864.      i 

I  'm  bein  afflicted  with  dreems.  It 's  wery  sel- 
dom that  I  lay  my  manly  form  down  2  rest,  that 
dreems  uv  the  most  friteful  karricter  do  n't  take 
posseshun  uv  me,  and  I  awake  in  the  mornin 
feelin  ez  tired  ez  I  do  after  a  hard  day's  dudgin 
creditors,  wich  is  exhaustin. 

Last  nite  I  hed  a  dreem,  the  recolleckshun 
whereof  is  enuif  2  drive  a  dray  hoss  uv  ordinary 
sensibilities  crazy.  Methawt  Dimokrasy  wu/  dod, 
that  his  funeral  wuz  apinted  for  the  4th  ii\  M.nvli, 
that  that  day  had  arriv,  and  tliat  the  frciids  uv 
the  deceest  hod  bin  iiiuitid.  1  wuz  on  (ho  s[)()t 
airly,  but,  2  my  surprize,  quito  a  nuinbcr  uv 
mourners  wuz  there  afore  me.  Ther  wuz  Thoniiis 
Geiferson,   and    Androo  Jaxson,    and    Steven    A. 


270  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

Duglis,  and  Silus  Wright,  and  Jimmy  K.  Poke, 
and  sicli.  The  corpse  wuz  that  uv  a  giant,  who 
hed  evidently  died  uv  dissipashen — wunst  strong 
and  wiggerus,  but  redoost  2  a  shaky  skelliton. 
Presently  Fernandywood,  Frank  Peerse,  Yallan- 
digum,  and  Yorhees  hove  in  site.  They  kum  a 
busslin  up,  ez  tho  they  wuz  the  legitimit  heirs  and 
assigns  aforesed  uv  the  deceest,  but  ez  soon  ez 
they  recognized  them  ez  wuz  standin  round  the 
corpse,  they  turned  pale  and  sneeked  off  ez  fast  ez 
their  legs  cood  carry  em.  These  distinguished 
individooels  wuz  a  weepin  bitterly  over  the  corpse, 
particklerly  Grefferson.  "  I  am  his  fond  parient," 
he  exclaimed;  "I  guided  his  infant  steps;  I — but 
what  the  dev — " 

This  exclamashen  escaped  Tomus,  ez  his  eagle 
eye  lit  onto  a  bootiful  nigger-whip  wieh  the  de- 
funct hed  clutched  into  his  emashiatid  hand. 
"He  never  got  that  from  me,"  continued  Tomus, 
with  a  expreshun  uv  intense  dissgust;  "I  sent  the 
gushin  yooth  in2  the  world  to  do  away  with  them 
things." 

Wright  hed  found  a  revolver  and  a  pair  uv 
handcuffs  in  his  pocket,  wich  he  dropped  as  tho 
they  burnt  him.  Jaxon  took  out  uv  his  vest  a 
packige  labeld  "  Stait  Rites."  "Good  hevins!" 
remarkt  he,  flingin   it  from   him,   "did  the  ijeot 


HAS   A   FRIGHTFUL   DREAM.  271 

forgit  my  teecliins  ez  soon  cz  I  left  him,  and 
take  up  with  the  heresis  uv  that  scoundril,  Cal- 
hoon?" 

Duglis  hed  bin  serchin,  and  next  to  the  hart  lie 
found  a  hevy  packige,  markt  "Seceshn,"  at  wich 
they  all  startid  back  with  upliftid  hands,  ez  I've 
seed  play-akters  do  when  they  see  the  gost  uv 
ther  ded  muther. 

"He  wuz  devotid  2  his  country  wen  I  startid 
him,"  sed  Geiferson. 

"Him  and  me  put  our  heel  on  seceshn  wunst," 
wept  Jaxon. 

"My  frends,"  sed  Duglis,  "I  wuz  the  guardian 
uv  the  deceest  up  to  4  yeers  ago.  He  fell  in2  bad 
hands  in  '52,  and  got  wild.  He  becum  quarrel- 
some, graspin,  and  at  the  saim  time  dissipatid, 
I  tried  to  keep  him  strate,  but  in  vane.  Sich 
men  ez  Bookannon  and  Peerse  hed  more  infloo- 
ense  with  him  than  I,  and  they  led  him  astray. 
He  squandered  all  the  estate  yoo  left  him,  the 
valyooable  part  uv  wich  wuz  bought  in  by  a  con- 
sern  at  the  hed  uv  wich  is  A.  Linkin,  uv  my 
Stait,  who,  by  makin  a  proper  yoose  uv  it,  is  doin 
a  good  biznis.  To  save  him,  I  endorst  f(U*  him  in 
'60,  but  he  bustid  me,  and  sellin  all  that  he  had 
left,  he  went  in2  the  employ  uv  that  Calhoon  con- 
sern,  wich  wuz  jest  startin  up,  ez  I  left,  and  I  am 


272  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

paned   2  say  that  he  contracted   2   do    all   their 
dirty  work.     It  wuz  that  wicli  killed  him." 

"Bury  the  cuss — he  stinks!"  exclaimed  they  all 
in  korious,  the  noise  whereof  awoke  me. 

I  feel  thankful  that  we  modern  Dimekrats  see 
Gefferson,  Jaxon,  and  sich,  only  in  dreems. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bisjpensashun. 


LXXVI. 

PROPOSES   THE   EMIGRATION    OP   THE    DEMOCRACY. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,) 
December  the  8th,  1864. 


} 

I  REED  in  the  Scripters  (a  book  I  alluz  perooze 
whenever  I  'm  bad  sick,)  suthin  about  ten  tribes 
uv  Izrel  that  wuz  lost.  A  ijee  struck  me.  I  see 
a  way  by  wich  the  present  unholy,  devastatin  war 
kin  be  stopped,  and  after  givin  the  matter  doo 
considerashen,  I  'm  conwinst  uv  its  feezibility. 
It  is 

EMIGRASHEN  ! 

The  Suthern  branch  uv  the  Dimekratik  party 
ought  2  be  convinst,  by  this  time,  that  they  ain't 
a  match  for  the  Ablishnists  a  fightin,  jest  ez  the 


EMIGRATION   OF    THE    DEMOCRACY.  273 

I^orthern  wing  hez  diskivcrod  that  it  ain't  no 
mutch  for  em  a  votin.  The  fact  is,  the  entire 
l)lan  iiv  repairin  the  old  temple  uv  Dimokrasy 
with  secession  morter  hez  very  much  the  appeer- 
ancc  uv  a  faleyoor.  My  father  (a  Xoo  Gersey 
Dimekrat,)  wunst  spilled  lamp-ile  on  a  noo  kote. 
He  askt  a  nabor,  who  wuz  reckless,  wat  wood  talk 
it  out,  and  he  told  him  sulphuric  acid.  The  old 
man  got  some,  and  poured  it  on.  The  next  day 
he  went  over  to  his  adviser  in  great  wrath,  with 
the  remnants  uv  the  kote. 

"John,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "didn't  yoo 
tell  me  that  this  yere  acid  wood  eradicate  greese 
from  my  kote?" 

"Certingly;  didn't  it?" 

"John,  why  didn't  you  likewise  tell  me  that  it 
wood  also  eradicate  the  kote?" 

Alas!  the  remedy  Dimokrasy  swallcrd  to  cure 
the  cramp  colic  it  got  in  1860,  is  gnawin  its  bow- 
ils.  It  is  curin  its  ills  ez  stryknin  duz  hyder- 
phoby  in  a  dorg. 

2  resoom.  My  ijee  is  Mexico.  Let  a  peece  be 
made,  the  terms  uv  which  air,  that  jest  sech  uv 
the  peeple  uv  the  old  Yoonitid  Stalls  ez  hev  made 
up  ther  individjle  minds  that  they  can  n't  live 
under  Ablishn  tyranny,  shel  hev  the  ])rn'ilege  uv 
leevin   with  all  ther  goods  and  chattels.      Then 


274  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

wc  '11  go  to  Mexico,  upset  tliat  offshoot  uv  Euro- 
pean monerky,  Maxemilyen,  and  set  up  pure  Di- 
mokrasy,  with  ekal  rites  and  slaivry  ez  the  corner- 
stuns.  Sum  may  obgect  on  the  ground  that  Max- 
emilyen is  by  this  time  too  hefty  to  be  histid. 
Here  is  the  forse  we  kin  kalkilait  on : 

Northern   Dimekrats  in  Canadj  in  consekence 

uv  drafts, 200,000 

Northern  Dimekrats  at  home  who  spectd  orfis 

under  Micklellan,  .         .         .         .         1,460,000 

Suthern  army,  say,  .         -         _         .         _       200,000 


Grand  totle, 1,860,000 

Good  Maxemilyen  stand  afore  sich  a  array  ez 
that?     Not  enny. 

But  sez  wun,  "Uv  wat  yoose  wood  them  peece 
Dimekrats  and  draft  skeedaddlers  be  to  a  military 
expedishen — they  won't  fite."  My  gentle  frend, 
Goif 'son  D.,  knows  his  biznis.  Let  him  whisper 
in2  ther  eers  that  eech  and  every  wun  uv  em  that 
survives  shel  hev  a  post-orfis,  and  they  'd  wade  in 
blood  knee-deep.  0,  it  would  be  a  cheerin  site 
to  see  them  a  chargin  up  the  steeps  uv  Shepulte- 
l^ec,  with  the  inspirin  cry,  "Post-orfis!"  Evry 
wun  uv  em  wood  be  a  hero. 

There  we  'd  set  up  Dimokrasy  agin.  The  coun- 
try, uv   coarse,    we  'd   divide,   JN'orth   and   South, 


EMIGRATIOX    OF    THE    DEMOCRACY.  275 

free  and  slave,  for  a  IS'orthcrn  Dimckrat  wood 
feel  oneasy  in  his  mind,  ef  he  had  n't  a  South  to 
serve.  We  'd  hold  Nashnel  Convenshuns  in  the 
halls  iiv  the  Montezoomers,  and,  0,  wooden t  it 
be  soothin  2  agin  hcer  Tooms  and  Rett,  and  them 
high-minded  fellers,  a  bully-raggin  uv  us !  Me- 
thinks. 

Ez  every  wun  uv  us  wood  be  offis-holders,  wher 
wood  we  git  constitooence  ?  Naclier  hez  perwidid. 
The  natives  uv  that  country  wood  serve  adiiii- 
rably.  But  they  coodent  understand  yoor  speek- 
ers.  Troo,  but  them  Mexicans  wood  soot  us  all 
the  better  for  not  understandin  English.  \Mien- 
ever  a  Dimekrat  got  sense  enuff  in2  him  to  com- 
perhend  our  talk,  he  alluz  left  the  party.  Give 
me  the  voter  wdio  takes  his  faith  on  trust.  It 's 
yoor  inquirin  minds  that  hez  played  the  devil 
with  us. 

I  shel  immejitly  perpose  the  matter  to  Presi- 
dent Davis, 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispemashun. 


276  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LXXVII. 

CONSULTS   THE   SPIRITS. 

Saint's  Rest,  (vvich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  "I 

December  the  6th,  1864.      J 

I  can't  say  I  bleeve  in  speritoolism.  I  've 
tride  it  sevral  times,  but  the  result  wuz  never 
satisfactory.  I  never  cood  determine  in  my  own 
mind  ez  to  whether  the  sperits  uv  them  ez  pur- 
ported to  be  strangers,  wuz  ginooine,  not  knowin 
ther  stile,  whereupon  I  wood  call  up  the  sperit  uv 
a  deceest  acquaintance.  The  conversashen  wood 
then  run  ez  follows : 

Me. — "Is  the  sj^erit  uv  Jotham  Smith  pres- 
ent?" 

Sperit.—"  It  air.     Who  calls  ?  " 

Me. — "Nasby,  Petroleum  V." 

Sperit. —  [Vehemently] — "Pay  to  my  widder, 
yoo  old  theef,  the  13  dolers  and  a  harf  yoo  borrid 
uv  me  six  yeers  ago." 

'Now,  that  coodent  hev  bin  the  spirit  uv  Jotham 
Smith,  becoz  the  sed  Jotham,  when  in  life,  labord 
manfully  for  three  yeers  to  git  that  munny,  and 
hed  signally  faled,  and  for  yeers  hed  quit  tryin. 
It  coodent  hev  bin  Jotham,  for  he  knode  me  too 


CONSULTS    THE    SriRITS.  277 

well.  Ef  it  wiiz  his  spcrit,  it  proves  concloosively 
to  me  that  the  sperit  is  etherial,  and  when  re- 
leest  from  the  body,  wich  restranes  it,  it  becums 
flighty. 

A  frend  uv  mine,  here,  is  a  speritooalist,  and 
he  invited  me  w^im  nite  2  a  serkle.  I  went,  hopin 
to  find  out  what  wuz  the  destiny  uv  the  Dime- 
kratik  party.  I  boldly  called  for  the  sperit  uv 
Androo  Jaxon.     It  cum. 

"  Androo,"  sez  I,  "father  uv  Dimokrasy,  I,  wun 
uv  yer  2:)erlittikkle  children" — 

"  Hold ! "  interuptid  he.  "Did  yoo  vote  for  Val- 
landigum?" 

"I  supportid  that  persekootid  saint." 

"And  Micklellan?" 

"  Onquestionably  I  votid  for  that  grate  general 
and  statesman." 

"And  after  that  yoo  hev  the  impedence  to  call 
yerselves  children  uv  mine !  Yoor  in  error,  my 
gentle  frend,  on  the  daddy  question,  or  yoo  lie 
wilfully.  Yoor  Dimekratik  party  hez  n't  my  po- 
littikle  eyes,  noze,  mouth,  or  eckspreshun.  Yoor 
the  son  uv  that  hory  old  traitor,  Calhoon,  and  a 
mizable,  deformd,  misshapen  ape  it  is.  Yoo  stran- 
gled the  Dimokrasy  I  left  yoo,  and  hev  put  Cal- 
hoon's  into  its  cloze." 

"Androo,"  sez  I,  "how  do  yoo  git  along  with 


278  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

tlie  latter-day  Dimokrasy,  who  dcceese,  universly 
regretted,  et  settry." 

"  Git  along  with  em  !  They  do  n't  none  uv  em 
cmn  here.  Ther  's  another  and  a  hotterer  plais 
for  sich." 

I  then  called  for  the  sperit  uv  Floyd,  Bookan- 
non's  Secretary,  and  late  Grenral  in  Confedrit  ser- 
vis.     He  kum  to  wunst. 

"J.  B."  sez  I,  "wat  is  the  fucher  uv  the  Dimo- 
kratik  party?" 

"Fucher!"  replide  he,  smilin  a  sperit  smile; 
"  why,  man,  it 's  in  its  fucher  now.  It 's  deceest, 
and  ought  2  hev  a  tomb-stun  j)ut  up  2  commemo- 
rait  its  virchoos,  immejitly,  and  regardlis  uv  ex- 
pense. I  say  regardlis  uv  expense,  becoz,  the 
meaner  a  man  is,  the  more  tomb-stun  he  needs. 
Marble  is  the  best  material  2  tell  lies  on,  now  in 
yoose.  2  resoom.  Dimokrasy  wuz  seezd  with  a 
mortle  illnis  in  '60,  wen  Linkin  wuz  electid.  The 
blood  is  the  life.  Ofifis  is  the  blood  uv  Dimokrasy, 
and  wen  that  wuz  withdrawn,  Dimokrasy  wuz  a 
depletid  cuss.  It  struggled  agin  hope  until  last 
fall,  w^hen  it  kicked  its  last  kick,  and  a  mity  w^eek 
kick  it  wuz.  Dostest  thow  think  ef  I  cood  hev 
bin  Secretary  uv  War,  perjietooally,  with  the  un- 
limmytid  fasilities  for  steelin  we  engoyed  under 
Bookannon,  that  I  wood  hev  rebelled  ?    Not  enny. 


070 


"WAILETH   AND   CUSSETH.  ZtlJ 

The  Xortli  druv  us  2  it,  by  takiii  cviy  one  of  the 
offisis." 

He  woodent  communikate  no  more,  and  the 
serkle  closed.  I  am  inclind  to  bleeve  them  sj^erits 
wuz  ginooine.  They  told  a  grate  deel  iiv  trooth — 
trooths  that  we  can't  git  over.     We  shel  see. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  iiv  the  Church  uv  the  JSvo  Dispensashun. 


LXXVIII. 

"WAILETH   AND    CUSSETH." 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gcrscy,)  ] 
December  the  2&th,  1864.      i 

I  Ve  heerd  from  Savanner !  I  hev  red  uv  it. 
Fancy  the  feelins  uv  a  man  who  hed  bin  for 
weeks  spectin  2  heer  uv  Sherman's  bein  entirely 
cliawd  up  by  the  undanted  Suthern  melishy ! 

The  follerin  impromptoo  cuss  and  wale  (ekally 
mixt)  reliex  the  stait  uv  mind  uv  the  Dimokrasy 
uv  this  sekshun. 

Hart-sick,  weery,  alone,  bustid. 
.  Gone-up,  flayed,  skind,  hung  out. 
Smashed,  pulverized,  shiverd,  scatterd. 
Physikt,  puked,  bled,  blistered. 


280  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Sich  is  Dimokrasy! 

Alone  I  sit,  like  Marius,  among  the  rooins! 

Alone  I  sit  and  cuss,  and  this  is  my  cuss: 

Cussid  be  Calhoon,  for  he  interdoost  us  to  that 
paintid  harlot,  Stait  Rites,  who  sedoost  us. 

Cussid  be  Peerse,  who  consentid  2  the  Nebrasky 
bill,  wich  bustid  us. 

Cussid  be  Bookannon,  who  favored  Lecompton, 
wich  peeled  us. 

Cussid  be  Breckinridge,  who  woodent  support 
Duglis,  and  'lectid  Linkin,  wich  give  our  post-or- 
fises  2  Ablishnists. 

Cussid  be  the  post-masters — may  they  bekum 
suddently  insane,  and  wildly  go  2  trustin  out 
postige  stamps  to  Dimekrats. 

Cussid  be  Grant,  and  Sheriden,  and  Rosycrance, 
for  they  've  dun  for  Demokrasy. 

Cussid  be  them  ez  went  in  the  army  Dimekrats, 
and  cum  out  Ablishnists.    (Wich  is  a  eppydemic.) 

Cussid  be  Yallandigum,  wich  went  a  practisin 
law,  leevin  me  in  the  Dimokrasy  biznis  alone, 
without  enny  cappytle  to  run  on. 

[SPESHLY   HOT.] 

Cussid  be  Sherman,  for  he  took  Atlanta. 
And  he   marcht  thro  the   Confedrisy,  and  re- 
spected not  the  feelins  uv  ennybody. 


"WAILETH    AND   CUSSETII."  281 

.  His  path  wiiz,  like  Moses's,  lit  with  pillcrs  uv 
fire  and  smoke,  only  the  lire  and  smoke  wuz  be- 
hind him. 

His  path  is  a  desert  —  lo,  the  voice  uv  the 
Shanghy  is  heerd  not  in  all  the  land. 

And  the  people  uv  the  South  lift  up  tlier  voisis 
and  weep,  becoz  their  niggers  are  not. 

And  he  took  Savanner,  and  cotton  enuif  2  hev 
satisfide  Bookannon's  cabbynet. 

And  he  turns  his  eyes  toward  Charleston,  and 
is  serusly  thinkin  uv  Richmond. 

He  starteth  with  three-skore  thousand — he  stop- 
peth  with  three-skore  and  ton. 

The  wind  blowcth  where  it  listeth — he  listeth 
where  he  goeth. 

As  the  lode-stone  is  to  steel,  so  is  his  steel  to 
the  Georgia  nigger — it  draweth  him  on. 

Who  will  save  us  from  the  fury  uv  this  Sher- 
man? who  will  deliver  us  from  his  hand? 

Johnston  he  beat.  Hood  he  fooled,  and  Wheeler 
he  flogged. 

Lee  wood  do  it;  but  he 's  holdin  Grant,  and  can't 
let  go  uv  him. 

So  he  cavorts  ez  he  wills,  like  a  yerlin  mule 
with  a  chesnut  burr  under  his  tale. 

Bitter  in  the  mouth  uv  a  Dimekrat  is  (|\viiiine, 

bitterer  is  gall,  but  more  bitterer  is  Fedral  n  ictrys. 
18 


282  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

We  have  bin  fed  on  victrys  lately,  and  our 
stumick  turns. 

Played  out  is  Davis,  and  Dimokrasy  hez  fol- 
lered  soot. 

The  Dimokrasy  is  turnin  war-men — they  are 
bo  win  the  knee  to  Linkin. 

Voorhees  will  yet  be  a  Briggydcer,  and  Vallan- 
digum  will  cry  aloud  for  a  war  uv  exterminashen, 
and  Fernandywood  will  howl  for  drafts. 

For  tho  John  Brown's  body  lies  all  mouldy  in 
the  grave,  his  sole  is  a  marchin  on. 

I  ain't  the  rose  uv  Sharon,  nor  the  lilly  uv  the 
valley — I  'm  the  last  uv  the  Ko^^perheds ! 

I  bilt  my  polittikle  howse  on  sand — it  hez  fell, 
and  I  'm  under  the  rooins. 

Uv  pollytix  I  wash  my  hands,  I  shake  its  dust 
orf  my  few  remanin  garmence. 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


RENOUNCES  SLAVERY.  283 

LXXIX. 

RENOUNCES  SLAVERY. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gerscy,) ) 
January  the  li)(h,  18G5.      ) 

"The  wagis  uv  sin  is  deth."  Sich  is  the  sub- 
stance uv  a  passage  uv  Skripter,  wich,  sence  my 
exile  2  this  lonely  shear,  hez  bin  my  solis.  How 
troo  the  remark!    How  feerfly  hez  it  bin  reelized ! 

The  anshent  Dimokrasy  ownd  this  guverment, 
and  mite  hev  hed  it  to-day.  But  then  they  wuz 
a  rychus  set.  They  wuz  n't  dissipatid.  They 
did  n't  run  after  harlots.  Jaxon,  and  Benton,  and 
Silas  Write,  and  sich  men,  who  wuz  men,  kept  us 
strate.  But  wen  they  went  to  their  respective  re- 
wards, another  class  uv  men  okkepied  us.  Jim 
Bookannon  and  Jeff  Davis  took  hold  uv  tlic  Dini- 
ekratik  kite,  tore  oif  its  time-honoreil  tale,  lOkal 
Rites,  and  substitootid  Slaivry.  The  result  is 
before  the  world.  Dimokrasy  is  in  the  mud,  and 
the  Ablishnists  hev  the  post-orfisis.     Alars ! 

In  the  olden  time  we  used  2  hecr  this  song: 

"ITdo!  the  car  uv  omansipaslicn 
Is  rollin  graiully  thro  the  iiashen." 

I've  seen  that  car.     It's  on  2  wheels,  and  car- 


284  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

ries  balls  from  6  to  500  pounds  in  wate.  Sher- 
man rode  it  in2  Savanner  totlier  day. 

The  harder  the  work  yoo  do  for  the  devil,  the 
more  deth  yoo  git  for  wages.  We  labord  fathe- 
fully  in  the  servis  uv  slaivry.  We  dismist  our 
conshenses,  went  back  on  our  record,  swore  black 
wuz  white,  and  vicy  versy,  even  goin  so  fur  ez  to 
go  in2  two  wars  to  perpetooate  it.  What  is  the 
result  ? 

Linkin  hez  abolisht  it  by  proclamation.  His 
bloo-koted  hirelins  hev  abolisht  it,  niggers  and 
all,  wherever  they  hev  gone,  and  they  hev  made 
sum  rayther  extensiv  toors.  And,  finelly,  the 
Confederasy,  wich  avuz  instooted  to  preserve  it,  is 
perposin  to  throw  it  overbord  ez  the  price  uv  rec- 
ognishen.  and  this  they  do  without  stoppin  2  en- 
quire wat  is  2  bekum  uv  us  j^orthern  Dimekrats, 
who  hev  tied  ourselves  to  it. 

So  reckless  sailers  fling  overbord  a  priceless 
cargo,  to  save  a  worthless  hulk.  So  Joner  wuz 
histed  in2  the  bilin  waves,  2  save  a  set  uv  mari- 
ners who  wuz  not  profits.  Wood,  0  wood  that  I, 
like  him,  cood  be  gobbled  by  some  frendly  whale, 
who  wood,  in  doo  time,  vomit  me  out  on  dry 
land. 

Ez  for  me,  I  'm  dun.  I  'm  a  anti-slaivry  man 
frum  this  time   out.     My  conshence   won't  allow 


LAMENTETH.  285 

me  to  support  it  no  longer,  and,  besides,  it  do  n't 
pay.  Ez  the  sole  servivin  leeder  iiv  the  Dimok- 
ras}^,  I  shel  immejitly  ishoo  a  serkler,  instructin 
uv  em  to  make  this  change  uv  front. 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Churcli  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXX. 

LAMENTETH. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  1 
January  the  28<7t,  1SG5.      i 

The  waters  uv  fanattycism  coverd  all  the  land, 
and  the  Dimekratik  ark  wuz  a  flotin  thereon. 

And  Peerse  and  Vallandigum,  and  Yorhees  and 
Bright,  and  Micklellan  and  Booel,  2  and  2,  wuz 
therein,  and  wuz  tired. 

I  am  a  dove,  a  pcese  dove. 

I  wuz  sent  out  uv  the  ark  to  find  a  rcstin-place, 
but  I  could  find  no  rest  for  the  sole  uv  my  foot. 

For  ther  wuz  no  abatin  uv  the  flud. 

In  November  our  ark  re.stid  on  Aryrat,  and 
there  it  is,  stuck,  and  we  arc  dolcfiy  lookin  out 
uv  the  winders. 

Afore  us,  behind  us,  and  on  both  sides  uv  us, 


286  TETEOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

we  see  our  enemies,  gorjiisly  drest  in  purple  and 
fine  linnen,  and  a  holdin  the  orfisis. 

They  hev  post-orfisis,  and  custum-howsis,  and 
furrin  mishns,  and  colekterships,  and  et  settrys, 
wich  is  our  principples. 

Strandid  on  the  mountain-top,  we  set,  and  set, 
and  set. 

Wendell  Fillips  pecks  at  our  heds,  and  Horris 
Greely  stampeth  on  our  korns,  and  lo!  our  hands 
is  tied. 

From  our  mountin-top  we  see  the  armies  goin 
4th  to  battle,  and  we  behold  the  discumfercher 
uv  our  frends. 

And  we  make  faces  at  our  enemies. 

Sayin,  Yet  a  little  while,  and  England  and 
France  shel  interfere. 

The  provo-marshel  roameth  up  and  down  the 
land,  seeking  whom  he  may  conscript,  and  no- 
body dares  bust  him. 

And  we  make  faces. 

All  that  pass  by  clap  their  hands ;  they  hiss 
and  wag  their  heds  at  us,  sayin :  Is  these  Dimok- 
rasy?     Is  them  the  sons  uv  Jaxon? 

And  we  make  faces. 

Two  dollars  is  the  tax  upon  whisky,  and  the 
tongue  uv  the  sucker  cleaveth  to  the  roof  uv  his 
mouth   for  thirst ;   the   young  bummer  asks   for 


LAMEXTETH.  287 

nips,  but  no  man  poureth  out  till  he   observeth 
the  postal. 

They  that  did  drink  juleps  are  down  to  corn- 
joose,  and  they  that  delighted  in  new  whisky  are 
burnin  ther  bowils  with  camfene. 

The  mole  is  blind,  but  not  more  blinderer  than 
we. 

When  the  men  uv  the  South  drew  the  sword, 
why  did  we  jine  ourselves  2  em? 

Why  did  we  try  eatin  fire,  whose  mouth  wuz 
made  for  Limburg  cheese  ?  Why  did  we  tie  our- 
self  to  a  corpse? 

Who  shel  deliver  us?  Who  shel  take  us  out  uv 
the  hand  uv  our  enemy? 

Petkoleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


283  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY 


LXXXI. 

LINES  ONTO  0.  P.  MORTON,  THE  TIRBNT  UV  INJEANY. 

Nero*  the  sekkund!  0,  wat  a  horrid  fate, 
"VYuz  Injeana's  in  that  dredful  hour 
Thou  wust  made  guvner,  and  got  the  power 

To  rool  the  Dimokrasy  uv  that  noble  Stait ! 

Mournin  will  not  avale !  but  0,  hed  Dan- 
iel Voorheesf  sot  wher  thou  hast  sot, 
Dost  think  that  the  Gorriller  J  wood  hev  got 

The  help  he  hed  when  fust  the  war  began? 

Inscribin  "No  Coershun"  on  his  banner, 
Bold  Daniel  wood  hev  let  no  man  enlist, 
'Cept  sech  ez  wood,  in  Suthern  ranks,  assist 

In  rightin  things  in  a  constooshnel  manner. 

*■  Nero  wuz  a  Emprer  uv  Rome — so  ornery  that  dorgs  hev  alluz  bin 
named  after  him.  His  only  redeemin  quality  wuz  his  fondnis  for  mu- 
sic, wich  wuz  so  overpowerin  that  he  fiddled  the  Arkansaw  Travler  wile 
Rome  wuz  a  burnin.  He  persekootid  the  saints,  hentz  I  liken  him  2 
Morton. 

t  Daniel  Voorhees  is  a  troo  Dimekrat,  who  resides  in  Terry  Hut.  In 
the  knack  uv  gittin  uther  men  2  gallop  into  what  Ablishnists  call  treezn, 
and  keepin  out  uv  it  hisself,  he  is  ekalled  by  few  and  serpast  by  nun. 

X  Goriller — wich  is  A.  Linkin,  uv  coarse.  To  give  force  to  the  line,  I 
Bhood  hev  addid,  "Ape  and  Babboon,"  hed  the  measure  admitted. 


LINES   ONTO   O.    V.    MORTON.  289 

The  Golden  Cirkle  wood  hev  growd  in  vigger, 
No  sneekin  provo-marshels  wood  hev  vext  us, 
No  horrer-spredin  drafts  wood  e'er  hev  tetcht  us ; 

Wich  drags  us  4th,  a  fightin  for  the  nigger. 

And  then  Ristine  and  Athon,  and  a  skore 

Uv  sich-Hke  patriots,  wood  hev  rooled  the  Stait; 
And  Dodd,  the  grate,  wood  not  now  cuss  his  fate, 

A  hopelis  cxcl  on  a  furrin  shoar. 

Teers  ain't  uv  no  akkount !    but,  0.  P.,  take  my  cuss, 
Ez  stingin  hot  ez  helpless  hate  kin  make  it; 
A  thirst  for  venjencc  with  no  chance  to  slake  it; 

Hopeless  and  helpless!  kin  a  fate  be  wuss? 

[The  last  stanzy,  wich  contanes  the  cuss — after  Moore.] 

May  all  yer  roses  turn  2  ashes  'fore  yer  eyes — 
May  all  yer  whisky  turn  2  camfene  on  yer  lip — 
May  all  yoo  hope  for  frum  yer  fingers  slip, 

Jest  ez  yoo  think  yoo  've  got  sekoor  the  prize. 


290  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 


LXXXII. 

DETAILS    THE    FAILURES    OF    THE    DEMOCRACY. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,) ) 
February  the  lOM,  1805.      I 

People  is  queer.  Humanity,  pertiklerly  Amer- 
ikin  humanity,  vewd  from  a  Dimekratik  stand- 
pint,  is  a  inscrootable  mystery.  To  the  under- 
sined  it's  a  staggrer. 

For  instance. 

The  normel  instinks  uv  mankind  is  not  2  work. 
Dimokrasy  hez  bin  a  hoklin  out  to  the  Amerikin 
people  the  priceless  boon  uv  nigger  slaivry — the 
onspeekible  happinis  uv  hevin  others  swet  for 
em — uv  passin  a  lifetime  a  suckin  mint-juleps 
thro  straws,  and  smokin  ten-cent  cigars,  on  the 
work  uv  others.     It  wuz  regectid. 

I  wuz  a  thinkin  the  matter  over  to-nite,  and  I 
wuz  sliockt  at  the  remarkable  yoonanimity  with 
wich  evry  distinktiv  measure  perposed  by  the 
Dimokrasy  hez  bin  repoodiatid  by  the  people. 

We  told  em  the  South  wood  rebel,  ef  they  votid 
for  Linkin.     They  votid  for  Linkin. 

We  told  em  greenbax  and  guverment  bonds 


DETAILS  THE    FAILURES  OF  DEMOCRACY.     201 

wood  be  entirely  worthless.  They  take  the  green- 
bax,  and  subscribe  for  the  bonds  with  a  loosenis 
onparalleled. 

We  told  era  they  cood  never  whip  the  South. 
They  went  in  and  are  whippin  the  South,  with 
neetnis  and  dispatch. 

We  warned  era  agin  drafts,  and  sich.  They  go 
and  vote  for  drafts — indeed,  I  heerd  wun  recreant 
Diraekrat  observe  that  he  rayther  liked  a  draft 
wunst  or  twict  per  annum,  they  varied  the  mo- 
notony. "And  then,"  sed  he,  "a  feller  feels  so 
good  when  he  finds  he  ain't  drawd." 

We  told  em  the  war  wood  go  on  ef  Linkin  wuz 
re-electid.     They  went  and  re-electid  Linkin. 

We  told  em  that  any  interference  with  slaivry 
wood  rooin  North  and  South.  They  abolisht  it  in 
a  lump. 

In  short,  the  people  is  crazy.  Watever  the 
Dimokrasy  endorses,  the  people  rcjex;  watever 
the  Diraokrasy  recoramends,  the  people  condemn. 
I  'm  convinst  uv  the  trooth  uv  the  ]\Iillerite  doc- 
trine— the  end  uv  the  world  is  at  hand. 

Ez  for  me,  I  care  not  how  soon  it  comes.  Life 
is  not  measured  bv  veers.  I  am  3  skore  in  veers, 
but  I  hev  consoomed  enuff  whisky  for  a  man  uv 
a  hundred.     Therefore    I    am    reddy.     Whenever 


292  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

the  Dimokrasy  finally  pegs  out,  I  want  to  go  like- 
wise, for  with  it  my  mislin  is  ended. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bisj^ensashun. 


LXXXIII. 

MR.    NASBY   AND    HIS    FRIENDS    HOLD    A    MEETING 
ON   THE    FALL    OF    CHARLESTON. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  ] 
February  the  23d,  LS65.      3 

Ther  air  but  a  very  few  troo  Dimekrats  left 
in  this  sekshun  uv  Noo  Gersey — very  few.  The 
young  wuns  hez  all  enlistid  and  turnd  Ablishnists, 
and  the  old  wuns  er  a  peggin  out  with  delirium 
tremens.  The  whisky  we  git  now-a-days  burns 
our  coppers  out  feerfly. 

A  few  uv  us,  whose  stumicks  is  trooly  glass, 
met  last  nite  to  shed  a  teer  or  2  over  the  fall  uv 
Charleston.  Square  Potts,  who  hez  bin  the  reglar 
chairman  for  this  county  for  thirty  3^eers,  tuk  the 
cheer,  on  his  own  motion,  weepin  perfoosely. 

Obed  Peesly,  who  is  our  ex-offisho  secretary, 
bein  the  only  wun  in  this  visinnity  who  kin  rite, 
took  his  sect,  without  a  motion,  a  weepin  pro- 
foosely. 


A  MEETING  OX  FALL  OF  CHARLESTOX.        203 

The  rest  uv  the  awjenee  moA'ed  that  they  be 
vice-presidence,  wieh  wuz  carried,  and  they  took 
their  seets  as  sich,  weepin  perfoosely. 

Here  a  hitch  okkurred — there  wuz  noboddy  left 
for  committy  on  resolushens.     3  uv  tlie  vice-pres- 
idence promptly  resined  and  wuz  electid  ez  sich 
committy,  when  they  (weepin  perfoosely)  reportid 
t  the  follerin,  wich  the  secretary  had  prevously  rit : 

Wareas,  Charlston,  the  only  plais  on  the  con- 
tinent wher  pure  Dimokrasy  abidid,  hez  follerd 
Atlanty  and  Savanner,  and  fallen  in2  the  hands 
uv  Ablish  hirelins;  and, 

[Here  the  secretary  paused,  that  the  flore  mite 
be  mopt.] 

Wareas,  The  ^^rospek  is  lively  for  Richmond, 
and  the  rest  uv  the  Confederasy  follerin  soot,. 
there4,  be  it 

Jlesolvd,  That  we  emfattically  and  unreservedly 
protest  agin  a  further  continooance  uv  this  un- 
holy, unconstooshnel,  unmittygatid  and  sooisidle 
war. 

Jlesolvd,  That  we  now  manetane  what  wr  hev 
alluz  assertid,  that  8  milyuns  uv  free  white  men 
can't  be  sul)joogatid  at  enny  price. 

licsolvd^  That  we  congratulait  our  heroic  breth- 
ren uv  the  South,  who  is  strugglin  for  ther  rites, 
upon  the  successful   evacuation   uv  Atlanty   and 


294  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Savanner  and  Charleston,  becoz,  hevin  them  plasis 
less  to  defend,  they  kin  consentrait  sumwheres  to 
better  advantige. 

Besolvd,  That  the  slownis  uv  England  and 
France  at  interferin,  deservs  our  reprehenshun, 
and  that  ef  they  air  ever  goin  to  do  it,  now  's  the 
time. 

Resolvcl,  That  them  Dimekrats  who  let  on  they 
feel  ez  good  ez  the  Ablishnists  do  over  these  vic- 
trys,  is  unworthy  the  name.  We  warn  era  that  it 
ain't  no  yoose.  The  Ablishnists  have  enuff  strate- 
outers  uv  ther  own  to  hold  all  the  orfises,  and  that 
turnin  into  war-men,  at  this  lait  day,  is  ruther  2 
fishy  to  fool  even  the  blindest  uv  em. 

Besolvd,  That  we  damnd  the  war  at  the  begin- 
nin,  and  that  we,  uv  Noo  Grersey,  dam  it  now,  and 
will  so  continyoo  to  the  end  uv  the  chapter,  bein 
conservative  and  terribly  sot  in  our  way. 

Besolvd,  That  callin  out  300,000  fresh  men  to 
fite  our  eggsaustid  Suthern  brethrin,  is  not  only 
unshivilrous,  but  is  takin  a  mean  advantige  uv  a 
noble  people,  and  that  we  hereby  demand  uv 
Linkin  that  he  revoke  the  order. 

Besolvd,  That  sutch  uv  us  ez  air  draftid  shel 
hev  the  privilige  uv  choosin  wether  they  will  die 
in  their  own  dore-yards,  or  run  to  Canady.  We 
onhesitatingly  recommend  the  latter  coarse,  pro- 


MEETING  ON  THE  FALL  OF  CHARLESTOX.     20.") 

vidin  alluz,  they  kin  git  back  afore  the  next  eleck- 
shun. 

The  rcsolushuns  were,  iiv  coarse,  adoptid — the 
checrman,  ez  is  the  custiim  here  wen  he  wants 
resolutions  past,  only  puttin  the  affirmative  side. 
After  wich  I  felt  a  call  to  speek,  and  I  did  so, 
remarkin : 

That  the  loosnis  with  wich  tecrs  wuz  Lein  shed, 
showd  that  the  hart  uv  the  Dimokrasy  wuz 
tutched;  that  I  wuz  gl^d  2  sec  em  flow,  becoz  it 
showd  hoAV  clost  a  feclin  eggsistid  atween  the  Di- 
mokrasy, North  and  South.  But  there  wuz  reely 
no  cause  for  teers. 

The  triumfs  the  Ablishnists  hed  gained  were  no 
advantages.  Charleston  hed  fallen,  it  wuz  troo. 
While  I  regrettid  the  hard  necessity,  I  wuz  trooly 
glad  uv  it.  The  feelins  uv  them  people  hed  bin 
hurt,  no  dout.  But  wat  uv  that?  It  wuz  easier 
to  let  go  uv  Charleston  than  2  hold  on  to  it. 
They  coodent  hold  that  city  enny  more  than  they 
cood  Atlanty  and  Savanner,  and,  there4,  strategy 
required  its  surrender.  The  good  uv  the  Confed- 
risy  required  that  they  should  leave,  and  0,  my 
brethren,  with  wat  alackrity  they  obeyed  the  call. 
They  may  find  it  necessary  to  resine  Richmond. 
Shel  we  ther4  be  cast  down?  ]N^ot  enny.  I  see 
Lee's  strategy,     lie   calkilates   on   giviu    up   all 


296  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

tliem  towns.  Grant  and  Sherman  Avill  liov  to 
leave  a  garrison  in  each  uv  em,  until  ther  armies 
is  all  divided  up  in2  garrisons ;  then  cums  the 
krisis.  He  takes  them  small  garrisons,  1  at  a 
time,  and  gobbles  em.  That 's  his  ijee,  I  make 
no  dout.  Let  us,  my  brethrin,  keep  a  stiff  up- 
per lip.  The  more  territory  Sherman  gits,  the 
wuss  he  is  orf.  I  wate  impashently  to  heer  uv 
his  marchin  on,  feelin  that  at  last  Lee  will  wax 
him. 

I  concludid,  leavin  em  in  good  humor.  Takin 
advantij  uv  the  feelin,  I  borrered  sum  eight  dol- 
ars  uv  12  uv  em,  wich,  with  wat  credit  I  hev  es- 
tablisht  here,  will  keep  me  runnin  sum  time. 

Peteoleum  V.  jS'asby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


APOSTACY   OF   THE    SAINTS.  297 


LXXXIV. 

LAMENTETH    OVER   THE    APOSTACY    OF    THE    SAINTS. 

Saint's  Rest   (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey, ) 
March  the  Uth,  1865.      i 

I  HEV  peroosed  the  papers  agin. 

To  me,  noozepapers  is  pizen,  and  the  tclegraif 
wuss  ner  watered  whisky. 

For  they  bring  tidings  uv  evil  to  me,  and 
tidings  uv  grate  goy  to  the  Ablishnists. 

Wilmington  hez  foUered  Charleston,  and  Co- 
lumby  is  a  mass  uv  rooins. 

Sherman  hez  gone  and  did  it  agin,  and  Bragg 
suckums  to  Schofield. 

Lee  is  in  Richmond  like  a  rat  in  a  cistern — he 
can't  git  out,  and  it 's  shoor  deth  to  stay. 

Weepin  I  can't  do,  for  my  water-works  hev 
given  out  frum  too  mutch  yoose ;  cussing  is  uv  no 
avale,  for  I  can't  do  justis  2  the  subgick. 

And  the  household  uv  the  faithful  hev  aposta- 
tized— they  bow  the  knee  to  the  Molock  Linkin. 

Whcr  is  them  who  bought  revolvers  to  resist 
the  drafts  ? 

Lo!  them  ez  live  in  Noo  Hamsheer  is  filin  affi- 
davits that  they  bought  em  to  plant  corn,  by 
19 


298  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

shootin  the  kernels  atween  the  cracks  uv  the 
stuns  in  their  feelds,  ez  is  the  custum  uv  the 
country. 

Them  ez  live  in  the  West  sware  grate  oaths 
that  they  bought  em  to  shoot  rats  with. 

Wher  is  them  ez  swore  solem  oaths,  in  their 
lodges,  to  give  neither  man  nor  dollar  for  the 
war? 

Lo !  they  shell  out  their  hundreds  to  draft  funds, 
and  are  bizzy  gittin  in  substitoots. 

Wher  is  them  who  swore  ef  they  had  to  go, 
they  wood  shoot  North? 

Lo!  they  wuz  draftid,  and  they  went  like  lams 
to  the  slaughter,  and  are  now  enthoosiastic  in  the 
killin  uv  their  Suthern  brethern. 

Wher  is  them  who  swore  no  nigger  shood  cum 
North  ? 

Yerily,  the  contraband  sweateth  on  their  farms 
at  12  dollars  per  munth — for  his  labor  they  hug 
him  to  their  buzzum. 

Wher  is  them  who  profeside  that  greenbax 
wood  be  wuthless,  and  swore  they  would  never 
take  em? 

Lo,  they  sell  their  bosses,  and  their  wheat,  and 
their  lands,  and  will  reseeve  in  pay  therefor  nuthin 
else;  they  hoard  em  clost,  ez  the  hat  will  show 
that  goeth  around  at  the  close  uv  my  lectures. 


THE   APOSTACY  OF    THE    SAINTS.  299 

Where  is  them  who  contribbitid  to  the  support 
uv  VaUandigum  ? 

In  my  distress  I  asked  wiin  uv  em  for  a  single 
quarter,  and  he  bade  me  be  damned. 

There  is  no  faith  in  mankind — there  is  none 
troo — no,  not  wun. 

The  party  hez  flickered  out — it  standeth  not 
up  in  its  strength — it  hez  no  more  backbone  than 
a  eel. 

In  disgust  I  spit  upon  it — in  my  wrath  I  leeve 
it  to  its  fate. 

VaUandigum  and  Voorhees  hev  gone  into  the 
law;   I  shel  embark  into  bounty -jumpin. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjjetisashun. 


300  TETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


LXXXV. 

THE  FALL  OF  RICHMOND  AND  LEE'S  SURRENDER. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey, 
April  the  10th,  1865. 


} 

I  SURVIVED  the  defect  uv  Breckinridge  in  1860, 
becoz  I  knode  the  Dimokrasy  cood  rase  up  in 
arms  agin  the  unconstooshnality  uv  electin  a 
seckshnal  President,  who  wuz  impregnatid  with 
any  seckshnal  ijees  that  he  got  north  uv  Mason 
and  Dixon's  line. 

I  survived  the  defect  uv  Micklellan,  (who  wuz, 
trooly,  the  nashen's  hope  and  pride  likewise,)  be- 
coz I  felt  assoored  that  the  rane  uv  the  goriller 
Linkin  wood  be  a  short  wun ;  that  in  a  few  months, 
at  furthest,  Ginral  Lee  wood  capcher  Washinton, 
depose  the  ape,  and  set  up  there  a  constooshnal 
guverment,  based  upon  the  great  and  immutable 
trooth  that  a  white  man  is  better  than  a  nigger. 

I  survived  the  loss  uv  Atlanty,  and  Savanner, 
and  Charleston,  becoz,  dependin  on  Suthern  pa- 
pers, I  bleeved  that  them  places  wuz  given  up — 
mind,  given  up — becoz  the  Confedrits  desired  to 
consentrate  for  a  crushin  blow. 

I  survived  the  fall  uv  Richmond,  tho  it  wuz  a 


THE   FALL   OF   RICHMOND.  301 

staggrer;  becoz  I  still  lied  fiiith  that  that  grate 
and  good  man,  Lee,  did  it  for  stratejy,  that  he 
mite  consentrate  hisself  sumwhers  else;  and  when 
the  Ablishnists  jeered  me,  and  sed  "Richmond," 
and  "Go  up,  bald-lied,"  to  mo,  I  shook  my  fist  at 
em,  and  sed,  "Wait,  and  yoo  '11  see." 

I  wuz  a  lookin  for  the  blow  that  wuz  to  foller 
this  consentratin. 

It  cum ! 

But  it  wuz  us  who  reseevd  it,  and  a  deth-blow 
it  wuz.  Ajacks  defied  the  litenin;  cood  he  hev 
bin  a  Northern  Dimekrat,  and  stood  this  lick  un- 
moved, he  mite  hev  dun  it  with  perfek  safety. 

"Lee  surrenderd!" 

Good  hevins!  Is  this  the  end  uv  the  consen- 
tratin? Is  this  the  dyin  in  the  last  ditch?  Is 
this  the  fightin  till  the  last  man  wuz  a  inanimait 
corpse?  Is  this  the  bringin  up  the  childern  to 
take  their  places,  ez  the  old  ones  peg  out  under 
Yankee  buUits  ? 

"Lee  surrenderd! 

Why,  this  ends  the  biznis.  Down  goes  the  cur- 
tain. The  South  is  conkered!  conkered!!  COX- 
KERED!!!  Linkin  rides  into  Richmond!  A 
Illinois  rale-splitter,  a  buttbon,  a  ape,  a  goriller,  a 
smutty  joker,  sets  hisself  down  in  President  Da- 
vis's cheer,  and  rites  despatchis !     \\'here  are  the 


302  PETEOLEUM  V.    NASBY. 

matrons  iiv  Virginia?  Did  they  not  bare  their 
buzzums  and  rush  on2  the  Yankee  bayonets  that 
guarded  the  monster?  Did  they  not  cut  their 
childern's  throtes,  and  wavin  a  Confederit  flag 
in  one  hand,  pkmge  a  meat-knife  in2  their  throb- 
bin  buzzums  with  the  tother,  rather  than  see 
their  city  dishonored  by  the  tred  uv  a  conkerer's 
foot? 

Alars !  not  wunst. 

Per  contrary!  I  reed  in  the  papers  that  they 
did  rush  wiklly  thro  the  streets,  with  their  chil- 
dern  in  their  arms. 

But  it  wuz  at  the  Yankee  commissary  trains, 
who  give  em  bread  and  meat,  wich  they  eat  vocif- 
erously. 

Their  buzzums  wuz  bare. 

But  it  wuz  becoz  their  cloze  hed  worn  out,  and 
they  did  n't  know  how  to  weave  cloth  for  new 
wuns. 

In  breef,  they  actid  about  ez  mean  ez  a  jNTorth- 
ern  Dimekrat  ever  did,  and  to  go  lower  is  unnes- 
sary. 

This  ends  the  chapter.  The  Confederasy  hez 
at  last  consentratid  its  last  consentrate.  It's  ded. 
It 's  gathered  up  its  feet,  sed  its  last  words,  and 
deceest.  And  with  it  the  Dimokrasy  hez  likewise 
given  up  the  ghost.     It  may  survive  this,  but  I 


THE   FALL   OF   RICHMOND.  303 

can't  sec  how.  We  staked  our  political  fortune 
on  it;  we  went  our  bottom  dollar  on  it;  it's  gone 
up,  and  we  ditto.  Linkin  will  serve  his  term 
out — the  tax  on  whisky  won't  be  repeeled — our 
leeders  will  die  off  uv  chagrin,  and  delirium  tre- 
mens and  inability  to  live  so  long  out  uv  offis,  and 
the  sheep  will  be  skattored.  Farewell,  vane 
world.  I  '11  embrace  the  Catholic  foith  and  be  a 
nun,  and  in  a  cloister  find  that  rest  that  pollytix 

kin  never  give. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bispensashun. 


304  PETROLEUM    V.   NASBY. 


LXXXVI. 

THE   ASSASSINATION. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wicb  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  GerseyJ  ) 

April  the  20lh,  1865.      I 

The  nashen  mourns !  The  hand  uv  the  vile 
assassin  hez  bin  raised  agin  the  Groril — the  head 
uv  the  nashen,  and  the  people's  Father  hez  fallen 
beneath  the  hand  uv  a  patr — vile  assassin. 

While  Aberham  Linkin  wuz  a  livin,  I  need  not 
say  that  I  did  not  love  him.  Blessed  with  a  mind 
uv  no  ordinary  dimensions,  endowed  with  all  the 
goodness  uv  Washinton,  I  alluz  bleevd  him  to  hev 
bin  guilty  uv  all  the  crimes  uv  a  Nero. 

No  man  in  Noo  Gersey  laments  his  untimely 
deth  more  than  the  undersined.  I  commenst 
weepin  perfoosely  the  minit  I  diskivered  a  squad 
uv  returned  soljers  cumin  round  the  corner,  who 
wuz  a  forsin  coiistooshnel  Dimekrats  to  hang  out 
mournin. 

Troo,  he  didn't  agree  with  me,  but  I  kin  over- 
look that — it  wuz  his  misforchoon.  Troo,  he  hung 
unoffendin  men,  in  Kentuck}^,  whose  only  crime 
wuz  in  bein  loyal  to  what  tJici/  deemed  their  guv- 
erment,  ez  tho  a  man  in  this  free  country  coodent 


THE   ASSASSINATION.  305 

choose  wich  guverment  he'd  live  under.  Troo, 
he  made  cold-blooded  war,  in  the  most  feendish 
manner,  on  the  brave  men  uv  the  South,  who  wuz 
only  assertin  the  heven-born  rite  uv  roolin  their- 
selves.  Troo,  he  levied  armies,  made  up  uv 
j^imps,  whose  cheefest  delite  wuz  in  ravishin  the 
wives  and  daughters  uv  the  South,  and  a  miscel- 
laneous burnin  their  houses.  Troo,  he  kept  in2 
offis  jist  sich  men  ez  wood  sekund  him  in  his  hell- 
begotten  skeems,  and  dismist  every  man  who  re- 
fused to  becum  ez  depraved  ez  he  wuz.  Troo,  he 
wood  read  uv  these  scenes  uv  blood  and  carnage, 
and  in  high  glee  tell  filthy  anecdotes ;  likewise 
wood  he  ride  over  the  feeld  uv  battle,  and  ez  the 
wheels  uv  his  gorgus  carriage  crushed  into  the 
shudrin  earth  the  bodies  uv  the  fallen  braves, 
sing  Afrikin  melodies. 

Yet  I,  in  common  with  all  troo  Dimckrats, 
weep !  We  weep  !  AVe  wish  it  to  be  distinkly 
understood,  we  weep!  Thcr  wuz  that  in  him  that 
Instinktively  forsis  us  to  weep  over  his  deth,  and 
to  loathe  the  foul  assassin  who  so  suddenlv  re- 
moved  so  much  loveliness  uv  cliarikter.  lie  lied 
ended  the  war  uv  oppression — he  lied  subjoogatid 
a  free  and  brave  pecple,  who  were  strugglin  for 
their  rites,  and  hed  em  under  his  feet;  but  I,  in 
common  with  all  Dimekrats,  mourn  his  deth ! 


306  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Hed  it  happened  in  1862,  when  it  wood  hev 
bin  uv  sum  yoose  to  us,  we  wood  not  be  so  bowed 
down  with  wo  and  anguish.  It  wood  hev  throde 
the  guverment  in2  confusion,  and  probably  hev 
sekoored  the  independence  uv  the  South. 

But,  alas !  the  tragedy  cum  at  the  wrong  time ! 

Now,  we  are  saddled  with  the  daranin  crime, 
when  it  will  prodoose  no  results.  The  war  wuz 
over.  The  game  wuz  up  when  Richmond  wuz 
evacuated.  Why  kill  Linkin  then?  For  re- 
venge? Revenge  is  a  costly  luxury — a  party  so 
near  bankrupt  ez  the  Dimokrasy  can  not  afford  to 
indulge  in  it.  The  wise  man  hez  no  sich  word 
ez  revenge  in  his  dixonary — the  fool  barters  his 
hope  for  it. 

Didst  think  that  Linkin's  deth  would  help  the 
South?  Linkin's  hand  wuz  velvet — Johnson's 
may  be,  to  the  eye,  but  to  the  feel  it  will  be 
found  iron.  Where  Linkin  switched,  Johnson  will 
flay.     Where  Linkin  banished,  Johnson  will  hang. 

Davis  wuz  shocked  when  he  heard  it — so  wuz  I, 
and,  in  common  with  all  troo  Dimekrats,  I  weep. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  JDispensashun. 


PETROLEUM  V.    NASBY.  307 


LXXXVII. 

"MAKES   A    DELEGASHUN    UV    HISSELF,"   AND   VISITS 
THE    PRESIDENT. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey, ) 

May  the  2]st,  1865.      I 

All  the  Staits  uv  the  North,  and  the  heft  uv 
them  resently  subjoogatid,  all  the  sosieties,  asso- 
ciashuns  and  churchis  that  ever  I  heerd  uv,  hev 
sent  delegashuns  for  the  purpus  uv  volunteerin 
advice  2  Jonson,  the  noo  President.  Feelin  that 
Noo  Gersey  shood  not  be  behind  in  the  advice 
bizniss,  I  electid  myself  a  delegashun,  borrered  a 
clene  shirt,  and  traveled  2  Washinton.  I  wuz 
announst  ez  "a  delegashun  frum  Noo  Gersey," 
and  wuz  to  wunst  usherd  in2  the  presents. 

"Wher  is  the  delegashun?"  ejakoolatid  the 
President;  "hurry  em  up,  for  I've  thirteen  more 
to  rcseeve  this  afternoon." 

"Androo  Jonson,"  sed  I,  impressivly,  "I  repre- 
sent Noo  Gersey,  a  Stait  that  hez  jest  dun  honor 
to  the  deceest  President." 

"Troo,  returnd  he;  "sich  Staits  honor  patriots — 
after  they  're  dead." 

"I  resent  the  insinooasliun,  with  skorn.  Ez 
proof  that  the   murder  uv  the   President  wrung 


308  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

the  popler  hart  uv  Noo  Gersey,  let  me  say,  sir, 
that  the  Camden  and  Amboy  Drekturs,  at  a 
meetin  calld  for  the  pcrpus,  abslootely  vutid  2 
carry  the  corj)se  uv  the  deceest  President  over 
the  road  for  half-fare  !  a  honor  never  be4  akordid 
to  enny  livin  er  ded  individjooal.  But  let  that 
pars.  Noo  Grersey  needs  no  speshl  pleeder.  Ther 
she  stands.  Look  at  her — ef  yoo  hev  a  mycro- 
scope. 

"I  cum,  Androo,  ez  a  originel  Dimekrat,  who, 
whatever  other  sins  he  may  hev  committed,  never 
skratcht  his  tikkit  er  dilootid  his  whisky.  In  be- 
haff  uv  that  Dimokrasy  I  speak. 

"Ez  hez  bin  menshund  2  yoo  wunst  er  twiet,  a 
immense  responsibility  rests  on  yoor  sholders. 
The  Suthern  Staits  struggled  for  their  rites,  but 
were  squelcht.  They  fought  like  heroes,  but  fell, 
becoz  uv  overpowrin  numbers  agin  em.  They  're 
down — yoor  iron  heel  is  on2  their  necks.  "SMiat 
will  yoo  do?  Will  yoo  grind  em,  er  will  yoo  be 
magnanimus  ? 

"Wunst  we  wuz  a  happy  nashen,  and  we  kin 
be  so  agin — it  rests  with  yoo.  Yoo  must  consili- 
ate  the  Dimokrasy.  Our  party  Xorth  is  mag- 
nanymus.  We  stand  reddy  to  forgive  yoo  for 
hevin  draftid  us,  for  hevin  taxt  us  to  support  a 
unconstooshnel   war,    providin   you  '11    stop    now. 


VISITS   THE   PRESIDENT.  309 

Woo  our  Suthern  brethrin  back  with  jentle  words. 
They  air  a  high-sperited  and  sensitive  race,  that 
kin  never  be  subjoogatid.  Take  em  agin  2  yer 
buzzum,  and  don't  hoomiliate  em  bv  de2;radin 
condishns.  Give  em  a  chanse  2  fergive  us  for 
whalin  uv  em.  Restore  ther  niggers,  pay  ther 
war  debt,  invite  Magoffin,  and  Vance,  and  Brown, 
and  the  rest  uv  the  guvners,  back  2  their  various 
caj^itols — ^give  Lee,  and  Forist,  and  Boregard  tlier 
j^osishuns  in  the  regUir  army,  and  penshun  the 
disabled  Confedrit  heroes. 

"  Ther  must  n't  be  no  hangin.  You  've  got 
that  unfortnit  staitsman,  Davis — he  fell  in2  yoor 
hands  becoz  he  wuz  ignorent  uv  the  style  uv 
yoor  (lait  Linkin's)  minyuns.  lie  mite  hev 
knode  that  the  soljers  never  seed  a  woman  takin 
to  the  woods  without  chasin  her.  But  he  must 
not  be  hung.  Dimokrasy  looks  upon  the  matter 
thus. 

"You  can't  hang  a  man  for  conspirin  agin  a 
guvment  onless  he  talks  up  arms. 

"Ef  a  few  take  up  arms  it's  only  a  riot,  and  no 
hangin  matter,  'cept  when  Ablishnists  like  John 
Brown  do  it.  In  sich  cases  hangin  is  alluz  in 
order. 

"Ef  a  number  uv  Staits  do  it,  it 's  a  rcvolooshen, 
and  them  ez   yoo   capcher   must   be   treeted   ez 


310  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

bellyjiggerants  and   prizners   uv   war.     To   hang 
prizners  uv  war,  Androo,  is  murder. 

"  This  would  probably  satisfy  the  South.  At 
the  North  less  is  reqwired.  The  Dimokrasy  is 
easily  consiliatid.  Give  our  leeders  enuif  of  the 
offisis  2  support  em,  with  the  privilidge  uv  man- 
agin  things  2  soot  us,  and  the  trubble  is  ore.  On 
them  terms  we  '11  support  yoor  Administrashen, 
or  enny  uther  man's,  corjelly  and  hartily,  and 
peese  will  agin  wave  her  white  pinyuns  over  the 
land,  and  will  continyoo  2  wave  em  ontil  the 
Suthern  hart  is  agin  fired. 

''I  hev  dun — ]N'oo  Gersey  hez  spoke." 

I  rather  spect  my  words  will  bare  froot.  Look 
out  for  a  change  uv  polisy. 

Peteoleum  V.  JN'asby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  JS^oo  Bisjjensashun. 


SONNIT   2  A  LITTER   OF   PIGS.  311 

Lxxxvin. 

SONNIT-2   A  LITTER    UY    LITTLE    PIGS. 

Root  on!  root  on!  ye  sportiv  little  pigs! 
Ah !  cood  ye  uv  the  fucher  hev  a  site, 
Yoor  little  tails  wood  not  kurl  up  so  tite, 

But  droop  despondin  down  yoor  hinder  legs. 

Yoo  live  o'erwell — uv  food  yoo  hev  no  lack; 
But  'tis  not  luv  that  gives  yoo  daily  swill — 
'T  is  not  the  promptins  uv  a  gen'rus  will — 

Yoor  karkasis  must  pay  the  trubble  back; 

Yoo  '11  all  kum  2  it  when  yoor  sumwhat  fatter, 

Stuck,  dressed,  and  served  up,  roasted  on  a  platter. 

As  shoor  ez  fiite  the  unfeelin  butcher's  steel 

Will  cut  yoor  windpipe,  spite  uv  kick  or  squeal. 

[Here  cums  in  the  moral,  wich  wuz  segestcd  by  my  bor- 
rerin  munny  wunst  at  ten  per  cent.,  givin  a  mortgage  on  a 
farm,  and  renooin  till  the  farm  wuz  eaten  up.] 

Yoo  '11  tred  the  path  so  old  and  so  well  beaten, 
Fed  first  by  man,  and  then  by  mankind  eaten  ! 


312  PETROLEUM    V.    XASBY. 


LXXXIX. 

HAS   A   VISION. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  ) 

May  the  ^\st,  1865.      J 

Dreems  wuz  common  in  the  old  skriptooral 
times,  and  wuz  considerd  ez  profetikle.  I  hed  a 
dreem  larst  nite,  wich  may  or  not  mene  suthin. 
Ef  it  may,  Lord  help  the  undersined,  is  my 
prayer,  continooally. 

I  dreemd  I  wuz  ded^that,  assistid  by  a  tyfus 
fever  and  2  dokters,  I  hed  bustid  the  bonds  uv 
mortality,  and  hed  sored  2  the  unknone  hereafter. 
Up  I  went  to  the  gates  uv  the  tother  world,  wher 
I  wuz  confrontid  by  Peter. 

"Wher  yoo  frum?"  sez  he. 

"Noo  Grersey,"  sez  I. 

"Wuz  yoo  a  good  cittyzen?"  sez  he. 

"I  wuz  a  Dimekrat  who  never  skratcht  a  tik- 
kit,"  sez  I. 

"Hev  yoo  votid  that  tikkit  for  the  larst  4  yeers, 
and  kin  yoo  rede?"  sez  he. 

"I  hev  and  kin,"  sez  I. 

"Then  yoor  place  is  below,"  sez  he.     "Git." 

Wich  I  did. 


HAS    A    VISION.  313 

I  met  his  Majesty,  Satan  the  I, at  his  duur,  and 
he  wclconid  me  corjelly.  I  wnz  disappintid  in 
his  persnel  appeerance.  lie  wuz  a  middle-ajed 
man,  gentlemanly  in  style,  resemblin  Geff'son 
Davis  very  much,  only  hevin  a  more  intellectooal 
cast  uv  eountenanse. 

"Welkum,"  sez  he.  "I  hcv  hin  spectin  yoo 
smii  time.     Welkum,  welkum!" 

"llev  yoo  mcnny  uv  the  Dimokrasy  with  yoo," 
sez  I. 

"Xot  menny  uv  the  ginooine  Koperheds,"  sez  he. 

"Uv  coarse,  yoo  hevn't,"  sez  I;  "we  overage 
ez  good  ez" — 

"That's  not  it,"  sez  he,  gazin  onto  me  with  a 
expreshun  uv  intense  fondnis,  "tliat's  not  jist  it. 
All  but  about  10  or  11  frum  eech  county  git  out 
by  i)lecdin  ignorence,  and  idiocy,  and  sich.  But 
it's  all  rite.  I  make  it  up  by  hevin  a  hevier  force 
2  spcire  2  stir  up  the  few  leeders.  Yoo  kin  rede 
2)rint,  can't  yoo?"  he  askt  ankshusly. 

"I  kin,"  sez  I. 

"All  rite,"  sez  he.  "Gefferson  Davis  will  be 
along  in  a  few  months,  tho  ef  he  don't  show  more 
man  than  he  did  when  he  wuz  caught,  he  11  make 
poor  amoosement." 

"lie's  a  disgrace  2  his  socks — he  ort  2  hc\'  bin 

a  woman,"  sez  I. 
20 


314  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

"Troo,"  retorts  ho;  "but,  cz  Shakspeer  sez, 
'there's  a  divinity  that  shapes  our  ends.'  Then 
Alec  Stephens!" 

"Will  yoo  git  him?  He  wuz  originelly  opposd 
2  seceshn." 

"That's  my  best  holt.  Davis  wuz  alluz  a  se- 
cesh ;  Bengamin  wuz,  becoz  he  thawt  it  wood 
pay — on  them  I  've  hed  a  morgige  ever  sense 
they  arrived  at  the  yeers  uv  akountability.  Ste- 
phens knode  seceshn  wuz  wrong — he  can't  pleed 
ignorance  nor  nuthin,  for  he  warnd  his  peeple  agin 
it,  and  then  wuz  bot  up  in2  doin  it  hisself  for  the 
poor  privilig  uv  playin  2d  fiddle  to  Geff  Davis, 
who  drawd  a  mizable  bow  hisself.  I  've  ded  wood 
on  him." 

"  Tell  me,  gentle  sir,"  sez  I,  "  how  about  Fer- 
nandywood,  Vallandigum,  et  al,  ez  the  lawyers 
say." 

"In  doo  time  they're  mine,"  sez  he.  "They 
can't  save  themselves  by  repentanse,  even.  They 
are  now  past  forty,  and  if  they  'd  commense  in 
ded  ernest,  tryin  to  do  ez  much  good  ez  they  hev 
bad,  and  lived  till  they  wuz  ez  old  ez  Methoozeler, 
they  couldn't  make  a  commencement  toward  bal- 
ancin  the  books.  By  the  way,  speekin  uv  Me- 
thooseler,  I  hed  to  wate  pashently  for  customers 
in  them  days,  when  men  lived  900  yeers." 


HAS    A   VISION.  315 

"  There 's  Corry,  Colorado  Jewct,  and  Alec 
Long,"  continnerd  ho,  "  I  've  hod  my  eye  on. 
Jewit  and  Corry  I  '11  lose — there  's  a  place  out- 
side uv  my  goorisdicshen  for  sich.  They  ain't 
responsible,  yoo  see.  The  devils  that  avuz  cast 
out  uv  the  man  and  took  refuge  in  the  swine,  left 
the  swine  when  they  wuz  drowndid,  and  hev  in- 
habitid  menny  men  sence.  Two  uv  em  air  in 
Corry  and  wun  in  Jewet,  to-day.  Alec  Long  hez, 
evry  now  and  then,  a  glimrin  uv  sense;  he  shows, 
occashenally,  surftice  indicashens  uv  intellck,  not 
quite  enuif  to  make  a  lunatic  uv  him,  and  too 
much  for  a  ideot.  I  may  git  him,  and  may  not. 
But  yoo  will  hev  plenty  uv  compny.  The  stand 
yoor  party  took,  druv  thousands  uv  men  in2  cus- 
sednis,  who  knode  better,  and  who,  ef  let  alone, 
wood  hev  dodged  me.  I  hev  an  eye  on  sum  who 
denounst  Yallandigum,  and  yet,  when  the  screws 
wuz  brot  down  on2  em — and,  by  the  way,  jist  sich 
ez  yoo  turnd  them  sed  screws,  (and  he  pokt  me 
jockelerly  in  the  ribs) — actilly  presided  at  Yallan- 
digum meetins,  and  votid  for  him.  Then,  after 
he  wuz  defeetid,  they  swore  tliey  didn't  vote  for 
him  at  all,  addin  a  dirty  lie  to  the  original  sin, 
wich  is  givin  the  devil,  (ez  yoo  stile  me,)  his  due, 
with  compound  interest. 


316  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

"But  Qxcoose  me — I  '11  show  yoo  2  yoor  apart- 
mence.     This  way,  my  deer  sir." 

I  obgectid  to  goin,  and  looked  anxshusly  around 
for  a  escape.  Observin  this,  a  change  cum  o'er 
the  polite  gentleman  afore  me.  His  eyes  glistend, 
a  sulfrus  streem  ishood  frum  his  mouth,  his  feet 
partid  in2  hoofs,  his  fingers  elengatid  in2  claws. 
I  observed  a  tale  peepin  down  under  his  cote ;  in 
short,  he  was  transformd  in2  the  identicle  devil 
I  hed  seen  on  sevral  occashens,  when  labrin  un- 
der attax  uv  delirium  tremens,  sooperindoost  by 
drinkin  a  barl  or  so  too  much  elecshun  whisky, 
doorin  hotly-contestid  campanes.  He  reecht  one 
claw  for  me,  when  I  awoke.  2  say  I  wuz  rejoist 
at  findin  myself  still  on  prayin  ground,  is  week — 
'twuz    goy    onspeekable.      I    can't    interprit    the 

dreem. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  JVoo  Disj)ensashun. 


PLATFORM    FOR    THE   CAMPAIGN.  31' 


XC. 


LAYS    DOWN    A    PLATFORM    FOR    THE    COMING    CAM- 
PAIGN. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  ) 

June  the  23d,  1865.      i 

These  is  the  dark  days  uv  the  Dimokrasy. 
The  misforchoons  that  iDefoll  our  armies  in  front 
uv  Richmond,  the  fall  uv  our  kappytle,  follered 
by  the  surrender  uv  our  armies  2  Grant  and  Sher- 
man, hez  hurt  us.  Our  leeders  air  cither  pinin 
in  loathsum  dunguns,  inkarseratid  by  the  hevin- 
defyin,  man-destroyin,  tyranikle  edix  uv  our  late 
lamented  President,  or  air  barskin  in  the  free  air 
uv  Italy  and  Canady.  We  hcv  no  way  uv  keepin 
our  voters  together,  Opposin  the  war  won't  do 
no  good,  for  before  the  next  elekshun  the  heft  uv 
our  voters  will  hcv  diskiverd  that  the  war  is  over. 
The  feer  uv  drafts  may  do  suthin  in  sum  parts  uv 
Pennsylvany  and  Suthern  Illinoy,  for  sum  time 
yit,  but  that  can't  be  dependid  on. 

But  we  hev  wun  resource  for  a  ishoo — ther  will 
alluz  be  a  Dimokrasy  so  long  as  thcr 's  a  nigger. 

Ther  is  a  uncompromisin  dislike  to  the  nigger 
in  the  mind  uv  a  ginooine  Dimekrat.     Tlie  Span- 


318  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

ish  biill-figliter,  when  he  wants  to  inflame  the  bull 
to  extra  cavortin,  waves  a  red  flag  afore  him. 
Wen  yoo  desire  a  Dimekrat  to  froth  at  the  mouth, 
yoo  will  find  a  black  face  will  anser  the  perpus. 
Tliere4,  the  nigger  is,  to-day,  our  best  and  only 
holt.     Let  us  use  him. 

For  the  guidance  uv  the  faithful,  I  shel  lay 
down  a  few  plain  rools  to  be  observed,  in  order 
to  make  the  most  uv  the  cappytle  we  hev: 

1.  Alluz  assert  that  the  nigger  will  never  be 
able  to  take  care  uv  hisself,  but  will  alluz  be  a 
public  burden.  He  may,  j^ossibly,  give  us  the 
lie  by  goin  to  work.  In  sich  a  emergency  the 
dooty  uv  every  Dimekrat  is  plane.  He  must  not 
be  allowed  to  work.  Associashens  must  be  or- 
genizd,  pledgd  to  neether  give  him  employment, 
to  work  with  him,  to  work  for  enny  one  who  will 
give  him  work,  or  patronise  enny  wun  who  duz. 
(I  wood  sejest  that  sich  uv  us  ez  hez  bin  for- 
choonit  enuff  2  git  credit,  pay  a  trifle  on  account, 
so  ez  to  make  our  patronige  worth  suthin.)  This 
course,  rigidly  and  persistently  follerd,  wood  drive 
the  best  uv  em  to  steelin,  and  the  balence  to  the 
poor-houses,  provin  wat  we  hev  alluz  claimd, 
that  they  air  a  idle  and  vishus  race.  Think,  my 
brethren,  wat  a  inspirin  effeck  our  poor-houses 
and  jails  full  uv  niggers  wood  hev  on  the  people! 


PLATFORM    FOR   THE   CAMPAIGN.  319 

My  sole  expands   ez   I   contemplait  the  deliteful 
vision. 

2.  Likewise  assert  that  the  nic-o-er  will  come 
North,  and  take  all  the  good  places,  thro  win  ;dl 
our  skilld  mekaniks  out  uv  work  by  underbiddin 
uv  em.  This  mite  be  open  to  2  obgecshuns,  to- 
wit:  It  crosses  slitely  Rool  the  1,  and  men  mite 
say,  ef  there  's  jist  enuif  laber  for  wat  's  here,  why 
not  perhibit  furriners  frum  cumin?  I  anser:  It's 
the  biznis  uv  the  voter  to  reconsile  the  contradik- 
shun — he  may  bleeve  either  or  both.  Ez  to  the 
sekund  obgeckshun,  wher  is  the  Dimekrat  who 
coodent  be  underbid,  and  stan  it  even  to  starva- 
shen,  ef  the  underbidden  wuz  dun  by  a  man  uv 
the  proud  Kaukashen  race  ?  and  wher  is  the  Dim- 
ekrat so  lost  to  manhood  ez  not  to  drink  blud,  ef 
the  same  underbiddin  is  dun  by  a  ni2:2:er?  The 
starvin  for  work  ain't  the  question — it 's  the  color 
uv  the  cause  uv  the  starvashen  that  maiks  the 
diffrens. 

Nigger  equality  may  be  workt  agin,  2  advan- 
tage. All  men,  without  distinckshun  uv  seeks, 
air  fond  uv  flatrin  theirselves  that  sumbody  's 
lower  down  in  the  skalc  uv  humanity  than  they 
is.  Ef  't  wan't  for  niggers,  what  wood  the  Dimok- 
rasy  do  for  sumboddy  2  look  down  upon  ?  It  's 
also  shoor  to  enlist  wun  stile  uv  wiuimen  on  our 


320  PETROLEUM   Y.    XASBY. 

side.  In  times  gone  by,  I  've  notist  gnsliin  vir- 
gins uv  45,  full  16  hands  high  and  tuif  ez  wire, 
holdin  aloft  banners  onto  wich  wuz  inscribd — • 
"Save  us  frum  Nigger  Equality."  Yoo  see  it 
soothed  em  2  hev  a  chanse  uv  advertisin,  1st, 
That  they  wuz  frale,  helplis  critters ;  and,  2d, 
That,  anshent  and  tuif  ez  they  wuz,  sum  wun  wuz 
still  goin  for  em. 

Ef  ther  ain't  no  niggers,  sentrel  committis  must 
furnish  em.  A  half  dozen  will  do  for  a  ordnary 
county,  ef  they  're  hustled  along  with  energy.  Ef 
they  won't  steel,  the  sentrel  committis  must  do  it 
theirselves.  Show  yer  niggers  in  a  township  in 
the  mornin,  an  the  same  nite  rob  the  clothes-lines 
and  hen-roosts.  Ever  willin  2  sacrifice  myself  for 
the  cause,  I  volunteer  to  do  this  latter  dooty  in 
six  populus  countis. 

These  ijees,  ef  follerd,  will,  no  doubt,  keep  us 
together  until  our  enemies  split,  Avhen  we  will 
reep  the  reward  uv  our  constancy  and  fidelity. 
May  the  Lord  hasten  the  day. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjwnsashun. 


SONNIT — 2    A   OLD    HOSS.  321 

XCI. 

SONNIT-2    A    OLD    HOSS. 

A  ALLEGORY — SEJESTED  BY   THE    MELONKOLY  SPEKTAKLE  UV 
A  DIMEKRAT    OUT    UV   OFFIS   FOR    6    YEARS. 

MiZABLE  quaderped !  thy  sharpened  back, 
Edged  up  by  hunger,  lumped  and  ridged, 
Thy  wunst  plump  form  by  famine  fowl  abridged, 

Betokens  eggsile  long  from  fodder  rack. 

And  totle  abstinence  from  oats.     Say,  hoss, 

Wat  are  yoo  thinkin  about?     Do  yoo  still  dwell 
On  long  ago,  when  oats  yoor  frame  did  swell, 

And  when  another,  not  a  drayman,  wuz  yoor  boss? 

Do  yoo  still  dream  uv  colthood,  when,  uv  traces  free, 
Yoo  nipt  the  clover  in  yoor  native  feelds, 
And  in  sheer  wildness  kick-ed  up  yoor  heels, 

And  reigned  the  monark  uv  tlic  bucheous  lea! 
Dismiss  the  thot,  poor  brute,  uv  hoss  the  gost, 
Yoo  dream  uv  clover,  but  yoo  wake  to  post!* 

*  Alloodin  to  a  barberous  practis  uv  tyin  bosses  to  posts,  and  nllowin 
uv  em  to  stand  all  day  without  food.  The  poor  beasts  becum  famisht, 
»nd  gnaw  the  posts,  wich  is  faceshusly  called  fecdin  cm  post-oats, 
[losses  hev  bin  known  to  die  from  too  libral  allowances  uv  this  kind  uv 
fodder.  Alas!  wat  a  strikin  picter  this  pome  presents  uv  a  Bookannon 
post-master.     Alas! 


S2'2  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 


XCII. 

MEETS    A    "  RECONSTRUCTID    SUTHERN   SHIVELRY, 
AND    HEZ    CONFIDENCES." 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,) ) 

Jui»/  the  V2(h,  1865.      I 

I  HEV  bin  in  Washinton,  and  while  ther  I  wuz 
intcrdoost  to  Gineral  Marion  Sumptcr  Fitzhoo 
Gusher,  uv  Mississippy.  I  wuz  anxious  2  meet 
with  a  representativ  Dimekrat  uv  the  South,  2 
interchange  views,  to  hev  soothin  confidencis,  to 
unbuzzum,  becoz  for  the  past  4  yeers  the  Dime- 
kratik  party  hez  bin  trooly  seckshnal,  and  the 
seckshun  it  hez  okkepied  is  not  the  identikle 
seckshun  onto  wich  the  orfises  is  lokatid,  and  only 
by  a  perfeck  union  with  our  wunst-loved  brethren 
uv  the  South,  kin  we  ever  git  onto  trooly  nashnel 
ground. 

Gineral  Gusher  is  a  troo  gentleman  of  the  raal 
Suthern  skool.  He  puts  C.  S.  A.  arter  his  name 
onto  the  hotel  register,  and  his  rings,  buzzum-j^in, 
and  the  hed  uv  his  cane,  is  all  made  uv  the  bones 
uv  mizable  Yankee  soldiers  who  fell  at  Bull 
Run — he  sez  by  his  own  hand,  and  it  must  be  so, 
for  who  ever  knode  a  Suthern  man  to  boast  vain- 


"  RECONSTRUCTID   SUTHERN    SHIVELRY."     3J3 

gloriously?  Wc  met  and  embraced,  wecpin  pro- 
foosely. 

"Alars!"  sobbed  the  Gineral,  "wat  a  nitcmarc 
hez  obskoord  our  respective  vishuns  for  the  past 
4  ycers!  I  wuz  alluz  a  Union  man,  alluz!  alluz ! 
alluz !  The  old  flag  I  loA'd  with  more  nor  ])a- 
rental  affeckshun — 2  me  it  wuz  more  nor  life!" 

"Why,  then,  my  Ajacks,"  sobbed  I,  "did  you 
raise  your  parisidle  hand  agin  it?" 

"Why,  my  beloved!  Because  MY  STAIT 
seecsht,  and  I  wuz  carried  along  by  a  torrent  uv 
public  opinion,  wich  I  cood  not  stem,  and  I  went 
with  her.  But  it 's  all  over.  We  hev  awoke, 
and  I  'm  here  in  the  capital  uv  my  beloved  coun- 
try, under  the  shadder  uv  that  glorious  flag  wich 
is  the  pride  uv  Americans  and  the  terror  uv  all 
weak  nashens  wich  hez  territories  contiguous, 
reddy  to  talk  a  oath,  and  resoom  the  citizenship 
I  laid  orf,  and  agin  run  the  guverment  for  its  own 
honor  and  glory." 

"  Ilev  yoo  a  pardon?"  says  I.  "Methinks, 
wunst  a  paper  reecht  my  humble  village,  wich  is 
unanimously  Dimekratik — it  cum  around  a  pack- 
age of  goods  from  Noo  York — and  in  that  paper 
I  saw  your  name  ez  wun  uv  the  ortiscrs  wIm 
killed  the  niggers  at  Fort  Biller.     Am  I  rite?" 

"  You  air.     I  'm  a  gushin  child  uv  naclier — I  'm 


324  PETROLEUM   Y.    XASBY. 

enthoosiastic.  Labrin  under  the  same  deloosion 
that  secesht  us,  I  bleevd  at  that  time  that  I  wuz 
doin  a  good  thing  in  killin  them  property  uv  ours 
that  Linkin  hed  shovd  bloo  kotes  onto.  I  hev  no 
apologies  to  offer — I  am  now  writin  a  justificashen. 
"I,  and  I  speek  for  thousands  uv  the  shivel- 
rous  sons  uv  the  South,  who  would  like  a  good 
square  meal  wunst  more,  am  willin  to  be  consili- 
atid.  The  oppertoonity  is  now  offered  the  guver- 
ment  to  consiliate  us.  We  are  returnin  prodygle 
sons — kill  yoor  fattid  veel,  and  bring  out  yoor 
gold  rings  and  purple  robes,  and  sich.  We  ask 
condishns — we  shel  insist  on  terms ;  but  we  air 
disposed  to  be  reasonable.  We  are  willin  to  ac- 
knoledge  the  soopremacy  uv  the  guverment,  but 
there  must  be  no  humiliashcn.  A  proud,  high- 
spiretid  people,  like  us  uns,  won't  stand  it — no 
sir,  we  can  not,  Ther  must  be  no  hangin,  no  con- 
fisticashen,  no  disfranchisin.  We  are  willin  to 
step  back  jest  as  we  stept  out,  resoomin  our  old 
status,  trustin  to  engineerin  to  git  sech  uther  pints 
ez  air  not  here  enoomeratid.  Without  them  con- 
dishns, the  Union  wood  not  be  wun  uv  hart — 
'twood  be  holler  mockery.  Wat  we  are  goin  for 
is  a  Union  foundid  on  luv,  wich  is  strongerer  and 
more  solider  than  muskits.  Harts  is  trumps — let 
the  platform  be  harts,  and  all  is  well." 


"But,  Gineral,"  sez  I,  "in  all  this  \vat  do  yoo 
pcrpose  for  us  JSTorthern  Dimekrats  ?  " 

"Towards  thorn  our  bowils  melt  with  liiv.  We 
forgive  yoo.  Ef  yoo  kin  take  the  old  attitood, 
well  and  good — ef  not" — 

"Hold!"  sez  I,  "don't  threat.  A  ginooine 
jS'orthern  Dimekrat  wants  but  little  here  below, 
but  wants  that  little  long.  Give  him  a  small 
post-orfis,  a  nigger-driver  to  look  up  to,  and  a 
nigger  to  look  down  to,  and  he  is  soopreemly 
happy.  Ef  a  angel  in  glory  wuz  two  offer  2  trade 
places  with  him,  harp,  golden  crown  and  all,  he 
would  ask  odds." 

"Uv  course  them  positions  yoo  kin  hev — we 
don't  want  em.  All  we  ask  is  to  make  the  plat- 
forms, and  hev  sicli  orfises  ez  hawty,  high-toned 
men  kin  afford  2  take,  and  yoo  uns  kin  hev  the 
rest. 

"But  wun  thing  must  be  understood.  The 
scenes  uv  the  Charleston  Convention  must  never 
be  re-enactid — their  must  be  no  more  Duglissis. 
Under  the  new  dispensashun  yoo  dance  whenever 
we  fiddle,  askin  no  questions.  The  Suthern  hart 
nmst  never  agin  be  fired — it  would  consume  itself. 

"Ez  soon  ez  I  hev  took  the  oath,  I  shel  imme- 
jitly  go  hum  and  run  for  Congris — see  to  it  that 
ye  hev  enuff  Dimekrats  Iher,  that  we,  jinlly,  kin 


326  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

control  things.  Uv  coarse,  in  a  Union  uv  luv, 
ther  must  be  equality.  Linkin's  war  debt  must 
never  be  pade,  onless  ourn  is;  his  hirelins  must 
never  be  pensioned,  unless  our  patriots  is.  Wat 
a  deliteful  spectacle !  Men,  who,  yisterday,  wuz 
a  gougin  eech  other  onto  the  feeld  of  battle,  to-day 
a  drawin  penshuns  amikably,  from  the  same  treas- 
ury! The  eagle  wood  flop  his  wings  with  goy, 
and  angels  wood  exclame,  "Bully!"  I  am  disa- 
bled from  wounds  received  on  the  feeld,  and  re- 
joice that  our  penshun  laws  is  so  libral. 

"Go  home,  my  frend,  and  marshel  for  the  con- 
flict. Tell  yoor  centrel  committis  to  collect  ex- 
pense munny,  and  I,  and  Ginral  Forist,  and 
Kernel  Moseby,  and  Champ  Ferguson,  and  Dick 
Turner,  and  Boregard,  and  perhaps  that  noble 
old  hero,  (take  orf  yoor  hat  while  I  pernounce  his 
gellorus  name,)  Ginral  Robert  E.  Lee,  will  cum 
up  and  stump  the  North  for  yoor  tikits.  I  hev 
dun.     I  go." 

"ISToble  man,"  thot  I,  ez  he  stalkt  magestically 
away,  takin,  in  a  abstractin  manner,  my  new  hat 
and  umbreller,  leavin  his  old  wuns,  "who  cood- 
ent  foller  thee,  and  sich  ez  thee,  forever  and  for- 
ever?" 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


DREAMS    A.    DREAM."  327 


XCIII. 

DREAMS    A    DREAM. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wicli  is  in  tlie  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey, 

Jubj  the  21*/,  1865. 


! 

Dreems  is  becomin  the  most  commonest  recre- 
ation I  hev.  I  don't  know  whether  these  dreems 
is  the  sperit  uv  prophecy,  sugar-coated  witli  sleep, 
or  whether  they  are  sooperindoost  by  tlie  reglar 
three-quarters  uv  a  pound  uv  tripe  I  eat  at  about 
11 J  P.  M.;  but  dreems  I  hev 

Last  nite  I  dreemed  that  I  hed  bridiid  time, 
and  wuz  set  ahead  about  nine  months,  wich  time 
brings  forth  events  in  pollytiks,  ez  well  ez  in  other 
things  too  tejus  to  menshun. 

Methot  the  South  hed  bin  consilliatid  and  re- 
constructid,  and  hed  cum  back  into  the  sisterhood 
uv  Staits,  ez  sisters  ginrally  cum  back  after  a 
quarrel.  South  Carliny  wuz  representid  in  the 
house  by  Ginral  Swasher,  and  all  the  llhett.s,  et 
settry,  and  Missippy  by  a  dozen  or  2  kernels  and 
ginrals,  for  that  Stait  sent  none  to  Congress  ceptin 
its  heroes.  Geffson  Davis  wuz  a  candidait.  but 
hevin  sed,  in  his  vs^A  for  ropudiasln'ii.  tliat  ho 
wuz  for  repudiatin  all  (l('l)ts,  his  constitooency  wuz 


328  PETEOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

afraid  that  he  mite  inclood  the  Confedrit  war 
debt,  so  they  defected  him,  and  electid  Ginral 
McGoujum,  who  held  that  the  Fedral  war  debt 
wiiz  unconstooshnel,  and  must  be  repudiatid,  while 
the  Confederasy's  lied  ought  to  be  paid  ez  a  con- 
silatory  measure.  The  ginooine  Dimokrasy  uv 
the  jN^orth  lied  electid  enuff  members  to  give  the 
South  control  uv  Congris. 

In  my  dreem  I  wuz  seatid  in  the  gallery  uv  the 
House.  A  member  frum  Noo  York  wuz  intro- 
doosin  a  bill  appropriatin  a  sum  uv  money  for 
the  purpose  uv  erectin  a  monument  to  the  mem- 
ory uv  the  Union  soljers  who  fell  at  Grettysburg. 
No  sooner  hed  the  fanatic  red  the  title  uv  the 
bill,  than  Ginral  McGoujum  and  Swasher,  and 
Kernel  Pelter,  uv  Georgy,  w^alked  over  to  his  seet, 
and  with  their  canes  beet  him  over  the  lied  twenty 
or  fifteen  minits.     He  wuz  carried  out  for  ded. 

Ginral  McGoujum  claimd  the  floor. 

"Mr.  Speeker,"  sed  he,  "I'mbilin!  Indigna- 
shen  is  a  heevin  and  tossin  my  shivelrus  sole  in 
a  most  tremenjusly  toomulchus  stile.  I  am,  Mr. 
Speeker,  a  cittyzen  uv  this  gellorus  Republic.  I 
stand  here,  2-day  reconstructid  and  consillyatid — 
a  loyal  man.  I  hev  took  the  oath,  and  sence  hev 
violatid  no  rool  or  custom  uv  this  House.  I  hev 
drawd  my  pay  promptly — I  hev  even  wented  so 


"dreams  a  dream."  3i>'j 

fur  in  the  spcrit  uv  fergivcnis  and  Cliri.-stiau  char- 
ity, ez  to  take  that  pay  in  grecnbax,  instid  uv  dc- 
mandin  gokl,  notwithstandin  every  wun  u\  em 
bears  the  portrait  uv  that  fcendish  ape,  that 
thirster  after  gore,  that  descroyer  uv  habis  eor- 
pusis  and  constooshnel  rites,  our  hite  Lainentid 
President.  After  makin  these  sacrificis,  shel  I 
sit  here  canily,  and  allow  a  negro-steelin  Yankee 
to  insult  the  South  with  alloosions  to  Gettysburg, 
and  sich?  Never!  Shel  a  Noo  York  missofj-en- 
nygenashunist,  in  this  ere  hall,  perpose  2  appro- 
priate the  treasure  uv  our  common  country  to 
commemorate  a  field  on  wieli  my  constitooency 
wuz  walloped,  without  rebuke  ?  Never !  He  hez 
bin  rebuked — let  him  heed  the  warnin." 

Several  Ablishn  members  riz,  but  the  Dimok- 
rasy  wuz  firm,  and  woodent  let  em  speek.  The 
Southern  members  wuz  a  goin  to  withdraw  in  a 
body,  wen  Fernandywood  rose  and  per^Dosed  a 
compermise,  ez  follows : 

That  harmony  and  good  feelin  shood  pre  vale, 
hentz4th  and  forever. 

The  word  "war"  shel  never  bo  yoosed  in  these 
hall;  that,  whenever  referred  to,  it  shel  be  termed 
"  misunderstandins." 

That  the  flags,  cannon,  and  sieh-like  trophies, 
21 


330  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

found  by  tlic  Fedral  army  in  various  parts  uv  the 
Southern  Staits,  be  to  wunst  destroyed. 

That  penshuns  be  pade  to  the  misunderstand- 
inists  from  both  sekshuns,  for  servises  renderd 
the  guverment. 

That  the  very  fiekls  on2  wich  these  misunder- 
standins  occurred,  be  plowed  over  at  the  expense 
uv  the  guverment. 

That  no  book  be  publisht  givin  any  akount  uv 
prison-life,  or  sich. 

That  bunkum  orators  in  this  House  draw  their 
alloosions  to  our  military  fame  solely  from  the 
Mexikin  war. 

The  compermise  wuz  uv  coarse  adoptid.  Ez 
the  vote  wuz  announst,  Grinral  McGoujum  and  Fer- 
nandywood  rusht  in2  eech  uther's  arms,  and  wept 
down  eech  uther's  bax,  while  Kernel  Pelter  waved 
a  flag  over  em,  formin  a  picter  trooly  tetchin. 

"  Thank  hevin,"  I  exclaimed,  ez  I  awoke  frum 
this  refreshin  sleep,  "Brooks  is  ded,  but  his  sperit 
still  lives — ^liis  sole  is  marchin  on.  So  long  ez 
we  hev  a  Southern  Dimokrasy  to  demand,  and  a 
Northern  Dimokrat  to  give,  all  will  be  well. 
Bless  the  Lord!" 

Petroleum  V.  Nasbt, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bispensashun. 


SOXNIT — 2   WHISKY.  331 


XCIV. 

SONNIT-2   WHISKY. 

RITTEN    "WILE   UNDER    THE    INFLOOENSE   THEREOF,   OCCASION- 
ALLY WETTIN  MY  LIPS  WITH  THE  SAIJI. 

"Whisky,  all  hale !  frum  erlyest  boyhood,  I 

Hev  ardently  admired  thy  qwalities; 

Thowst  cloathd  my  mind  ^Yith  strength — my  noze  in  rich- 
est dyes — 
Hale,  Whisky,  hale !  hale,  potent  son  uv  Rye  !  * 
When  wuss  grows  wuss,  and  bad  enuff  gits  badder, 

When  trubble's  waivs  across  me  buzm  role, 

A  nip  uv  thee  expands  my  shrunken  sole,t 
Ez  wind  blowd  thro  a  qwill  expands  a  bladder. 
Water  is  good  J — no  man  uv  sense  denies  it — 

Search  thro  all  nacher  and  yoo  will  not  meet 

A  artikle  so  good  for  washin  feet ; 
But  ez  a  bevridge — faugh  !  I  despise  it. 

My  sturaick  turns,  and  for  releef  I  fly 

To  thee,  eckstract  uv  corn — 2  thee,  Red-eye ! 

*Allii(liu  to  the  plcsant  fickshun  that  whiaky  is  uiaJc  uv  rye,  wich  is 
not,  by  no  menes — on  the  contrary,  uv  korn. 

t  A  poetikle  ijee,  expressin  how  "Nachcr's  grate  restorer"  will  coi  a 
indivijjle  2  spred  hisself. 

J  Wile  givin  prefrence  to  my  nachrel  sustcuanao,  I  do  not  deny  that 
yoosis  may  be  made  uv  uthcr  flooids,  wich  is  libreL 


332  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


xcv. 

ISSUES  AH  ADDRESS  TO  THE  SOUTHERN  DEMOCRACY. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  | 

July  the  llst^  1865.      J 

To  THE  DiMOKRASY  UV  THE  SUTHERX  StAITS  : 

Deerly  beloved,  I  saloot  yoo! 

The  evence  uv  the  past  4  yeers  hev  bin  mo- 
menchus.  The  war  hez  ended — to  a  sooperfishel 
observer  it  wood  seem  disastrusly  to  yoo  and  us, 
but  to  him  whose  eagle  eye  kin  pierce  the  misty 
fucher,  gellorusly. 

Troo,  we  lost  the  orfises,  and  hev  bin  for  4  .long 
and  weery  yeers  on  steril  ground,  whose  froots 
wuz  wormy  and  whose  water  wuz  bitter.  So  the 
childern  uv  Izrel  wandered  forty  yeers  in  the  wil- 
dernis,  but  they  finelly  found  a  Canan,  full  uv  fat- 
nis,  runnin  with  milk  and  honey,  and  sich,  so  shel 
we  emerge  into  our  Canan  ere  long. 

The  war  hez  hed  its  uses.  We  hev  diskivered 
that  the  Suthern  Dimekrat  cood  be  dependid  on 
to  fite;  yoo  hev  diskivered  that  the  Northern 
Dimekrat  cood  be  depended  on  to  do  yoor  dirty 
work,  thro  thick  or  thin,  and  we  hev  both  diskiv- 
ered that  the  Ablishnist  is  no  coward,  and  will 


ADDRESS  TO  THE  SOUTHERN  DEMOCRACY.     333 

reely  make  sacrifices  for  principle.  Knowin  all 
this,  we  kin  work  intelligently  in  the  fucher. 

It  is  the  dooty  now  uv  every  Suthern  Diniekrat 
to  take  the  oath,  to  wunst,  and  be  metamorphozd 
in2  loyalty.  Then  we  've  got  em.  Demand,  ez 
only  a  Sutherner  kin  demand,  that  the  military 
be  withdrawd,  and  that  yoor  representatives  be 
admitted.  Then,  ef  we  kin  carry  eniiff  deestriks 
K^orth,  yoo  hev  the  game  in  yoor  own  hand.  But 
to  accomplish  this  last  feet,  yoo  must  aid  us. 

We  hev  bin  unforchnit  in  our  politikle  ven- 
chers,  and  at  leest  wun  uv  our  prophecies  must 
cum  troo,  utherwise  how  kin  we  go  afore  the  peo- 
ple? The  nigger  is  all  we've  left,  and  the  va- 
riety we  hev  up  here  is  uv  no  yooso  to  us,  for  they 
are  all  earnin  their  own  livin,  and  ain't  crowdin 
white  folks  out  uv  poor-houses,  at  all.  It's  my 
candid  convickshun  that  the  grovel  in  cusses  work 
and  earn  munny,  jest  2  spite  us.  In  sum  locali- 
ties, our  sagashus  managers  hev  indoost  sum  uv 
em  to  drink  with  em,  and  in  a  few  months  got  em 
into  delirium  tremens,  and  their  families  uv2  poor- 
houses.  To  their  untuterd  bowels  our  likk(»r  is 
Htenin.  But  this  can't  be  dun  ginrally,  becoz  it 's 
all  our  leeders  kin  do  to  keep  their  own  skins  full. 
To  yoo  we  look  for  aid. 

A  enterprisin  Yankee  (cusses  on  the  race !)  wuz 


334  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

wunst  askt  wat  biznis  he  followd  to  make  so  much 
munny.  He  replide  that  he  hed  the  itch,  and  he 
traveld  ahed,  givin  it  to  people,  his  brother  comin 
immejitly  after,  sellin  a  cure.  Let  us  imitait 
their  wisdom.  Promptly  ship  to  eech  jN'orthern 
stait  200,000  old  wuus  who  can't  work,  and  to 
make  asshoorence  doubly  shoor,  starve  em  awhile, 
and  run  the  measles  and  small-pox  thro  em.  Mix 
with  em  a  few  thousand  black  wimmen  with  mu- 
latter  childern,  to  show  the  horrors  uv  amalga- 
mashun.  Then  we  'd  hev  suthin  to  go  on !  Ez 
we  carted  em  in2  poor-houses,  and  levid  taxis  to 
support  em,  how  our  speekers  wood  gush !  how 
our  papers  wood  howl!  After  4  yeers  uv  fail- 
yoor  in  the  prophecy  biznis,  the  ijee  uv  hevin 
wun  cum  troo,  sets  me  into  a  delirium  tremens  uv 

Then,  immejitly,  joor  legislachers  must  pass 
stringent  laws  agin  a  nigger  leavin  his  respective 
county,  and  then  pass  another  law  not  allowin 
any  man  to  give  able-bodied  wuns  to  exceed  $5  a 
month.  This  dun,  I  hev  faith  to  bleeve  thousands 
uv  em-  will  beg  to  be  agin  enslaved,  about  mid 
winter.  Ef  they  will  persist  in  dyin  in  freedom, 
we  kin,  at  least,  pint  2  ther  bodis,  and  say  in  a 
sepulkrel  tone:  "Wen  niggers  wuz  wuth  ^1500, 
they  wuz  not  allowd  to  die  thus — behold  the  froots 


ADDRESS  TO  THE  SOUTHERN  DEMOCRACY.     335 

uv  Ablislm  pliilanthropy!"     Eitlior  way,  it's  cuj)- 
pitlc  fur  us, 

Yoo  must  inkulkate  the  doctrin  uv  State  Rites, 
zeluser  tliau  ever,  and  while  yoo  air  gittiii  yoor 
peeple  tuned  up  on  that,  we  '11  hammer  away  at 
debt  and  corupshun,  and  sich  deliteful  themes, 
and  wunst  more  we  '11  git  the  Ahlishnist  under 
our  feet. 

I  hev  indikatid  breefly  the  ginral  outlines  uv 
the  polisy  we  must  pursoo  ef  we  wood  succeed. 
Uther  ijees  will  sejest  themselves  to  yoo — let  us 
hev  em,  and  we  '11  act  on  em. 

In  conclooshun.  Be  wary  and  untirin.  Re- 
member, on  yoo  depends  the  politikle  forchoons 
uv  the  thousands  who  wunst  held  offis,  but  who 
hev  bin  to  grass  for  4  long  weery  yeers.  We 
must  succeed  now  or  never. 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 

Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Diapenmshun. 


336  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


XCVI. 

SEARCHES   THE    SCRIPTURES,   AND    GETS    COMFORT 
THEREFROM. 

Saint's  Rest,  (vvich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  ] 

August  the  llth,  18G5.      i 

The  contemplashen  uv  the  nigger  hez,  in  time 
past,  given  me  a  grate  deel  uv  trouble.  Xigger 
hez  to  me  bin  a  inkubus — a  nitemare.  I  never 
cooci  see  why  the  species  wuz  created ;  never  cood 
I  understand  why  they  wuz  put  onto  the  face  uv 
the  earth,  any  more  than  toads  or  other  disgustin 
obgecks.  But  last  nite  a  lite  bust  onto  me — I 
seed  it  all ! 

I  wuz  low-sperited  and  deprest.  Jeif  Davis  a 
pinin  in  a  loathsum  dungun — the  English  cappi- 
talists  a  mournin  for  their  cotton-bonds,  and  re- 
fusin  to  be  comforted  because  the  Confedrasy  is 
not — Mrs.  Surratt  a  danglin  in  the  air — military 
courts  plenty  and  habis  corpusis  skarce — the  loose- 
nis  with  wich  people  put  ther  munny  into  7-30' s — 
the  soljers  returnin  and  goin  for  constooshnel 
Dimekrats,  and  the  ginral  demoralization  uv  Di- 
mokrasy,  all  conspired  to  give  me  the  horrors,  and 
to  add  to  my  distress,  the  jug  wuz  out !  To  avoid 
madnis,  I  took  up  the  Bible,  (I  board  with  a  justice 


SEARCHES   THE    SCRIPTURES.  337 

uv^  the  peace,  who  hcz  to  keep  one  to  sware  wit- 
nesses on,)  and  happend  to  open  at  the  9th  chap- 
ter iiv  Jennysis.  Yoo  know  all  about  that  blessid 
chapter. 

Xoer,  after  the  water  went  down,  cum  down 
from  Aryrat,  went  into  farmin,  and  planted  grapes 
extensive.  One  day  he  took  a  nip  too  much,  and 
laid  down  with  insuflfishent  clothin  onto  him.  His 
2d  son.  Ham,  seed  him  in  that  fix,  and  when  Xoer 
awoke,  while  his  hair  wuz  still  pullin,  he  cust 
him,  and  his  posterity,  and  sed  they  shood  be 
servance  forever. 

Ham  (wich  in  the  original  nel)rew  signifies  a 
hind-quarter  uv  a  hog,)  wuz  the  father  uv  the 
Afrikins,  and  they  hev  bin  slaves  ever  sence. 

I  seed  a  lite  to  wunst — I  realized  the  import- 
ance uv  the  nigger.  He  is  the  connectin  liilk  in 
the  chanc  uv  circumstances  wich  led  to  the  forma- 
shen  uv  the  Dimekratic  party.  He  hez  kept  the 
blessid  old  masheen  a  runnin  to  this  day. 

Observe. 

Whisky  (or  wine,  wich  is  the  same  thing,) 
made  Xoer  tight. 

Ham  seed  Noer  inebriated. 

Noer  cust  Ham,  wich  turned  him  into  a  niirirer 
and  a  servant. 

That  the  Skripters  mite  be  fulfilled,  the  chil- 


33S  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

dern  iiv  Ham  wuz  brot  to  Amerika,  to  be  serv 
ance  here. 

Wikkid  men  set  themselves  agin  the  Skripters, 
and  tried  to  make  men  uv  the  niggers. 

The  Dimekratik  party  ariz  for  the  piirpus  uv 
keepin  the  nigger  down,  and  that  delitefid  biznis 
hez  given  them  employment  for  mor'n  30  yeers. 

Ez  I  shet  the  book  I  cood  not  help  remarkin, 
in  the  words  uv  the  sammist: 

"  Grood  Lord,  upon  what  slender  threds 
•  Hang  everlastin  things  ! " 

Sposin  Noer,  instid  uv  plantin  grapes,  hed  gone 
to  practisin  law,  or  into  the  grocery  biznis,  or 
buyin  prodoose  on  commishn,  or  puttin  up  pat- 
ent medicins — he  woodent  hev  got  inebriated; 
he  woodent  hev  cust  Ham.  Ham  woodent  hev 
turned  black;  there  woodent  hev  been  no  nig- 
gers, no  Ablishnists,  and,  consequently,  no  Dime- 
krats. 

Or,  sposn  all  uv  Ham's  childern  lied  taken 
diptheria,  and  died;  the  same  results  wood  hev 
follered. 

Whisky  made  nigger — nigger  made  Dimokrasy. 
Take  away  whisky  and  nigger,  and  Dimokrasy 
woodent  be  uv  no  more  akkount  than  a  one-armed 
man  at  a  raisin. 


SUGGESTS  A   "  PSALM  OF  SADNESS."  33U 

Whisky!      Nigger!      Diinoknisy !      0,    savory 
trinity ! 

We  do  n't  none  uv  read  tlie  Skripters  enuff 

Petkoleum  V.  Xasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disj^ensashun. 


XCVII. 

SUGGESTS  A   "PSALM   OF   SADNESS"  FOR  HIS   FRIENDS 

SOUTH. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gcrsey,)  ) 
September  the  12th,  18G5.      ) 

The  utter  and  abgect  state  uv  eussitood  into 
wick  the  Dimokrasy  find  theirselves,  North  and 
South,  makes  a  day  uv  fastin  approprit.  Ef  the 
Lord  is  ever  a  goin  2  help  us,  now  's  his  time. 

Ef  my  clerikle  brethrin  uv  the  Church  Soutli 
deside  to  appint  a  day  uv  fastin  and  prayer,  I 
submit  the  follerin  ez  a  sam  uv  aguiiy,  approprit 
for  the  occasion : 

A    SAM    UV  AGONY. 

On  the  street  I  see  a  nigger! 
On  his  back  a  coat  uv  bloo,  and  he  carryrlh  a 
muskit. 


340  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

He  is  provo-guard,  and  he  halteth  me,  ez  wun 
hevin  authority. 

And  my  tender  daughter  spit  on  him,  and  lo! 
he  arrested  her,  and  she  languisheth  in  the  guard- 
house. 

M}^  eyes  dwell  on  him,  an  my  sole  is  a  Artesian 
well  uv  wo ;  it  gusheth  with  greef. 

For  that  nigger  wuz  my  nigger !  I  bought  him 
with  a  price. 

Alas !  that  nigger  is  out  uv  his  normal  con- 
dishn :  he  is  a  star  out  uv  its  speer,  which  sweep- 
eth  thro  the  politikle  hevens,  smashin  things. 

Normally,  he  wuz  wuth  gold  and  silver — now 
he  is  a  nitemare. 

Wunst  I  wuz  rich,  and  that  nigger  wuz  the 
basis  thereof. 

Wo  is  me!  I  owned  him,  sole,  body,  muscles, 
sinoos,  blood,  boots,  and  brichis. 

His  intellek  wuz  mine,  his  body  wuz  mine,  like- 
wise his  labor  and  the  froots  thereof. 

His  wife  wuz  mine,  and  she  wuz  my  conkebine. 

The  normal  results  uv  the  conkebinage  I  sold, 
combining  pleasure  and  profit  in  a  eminent  de- 
gree. 

And  on  the  price  thereof  I  played  looker,  and 
drank  mint-gooleps,  and  rode  in  gorgus  chariots, 
and  wore  purple  and  fine  linen  every  day. 


A  "psalm  of  sadness."  3-U 

Wuz  this  miscegenasliun,  or  negro  equulit}  ? 
Not  any.  For  she  wuz  mine,  even  as  my  ox,  ur 
my  horse,  or  my  sheep,  and  her  increase  wuz 
mine,  even  as  wuz  theirs. 

Ablishn  misceffenashun  elewates  the  nit:i;-er 
wench  to  his  leveh  I  did  it  for  gain,  wich  de- 
graded her  muchly. 

And  when  the  wife  of  my  buzm  lifted  up  her 
voice  in  complaint,  sayin,  "Lo,  I  am  abused — this 
little  nigger  resembleth  thee!"  half  the  price  uv 
the  infant  chattel  wood  buy  a  dimund  pin  with 
wich  to  stop  her  yawp. 

And  my  boys  follered  in  my  footsteps,  and  grate 
wuz  the  mix,  but  profitable. 

But  my  dreem  is  bustid. 

The  nigger  is  free,  and  demands  wages  for  the 
work  uv  his  hands. 

His  wife  is  free,  and  she  kin  decide  whellier 
she  '11  cleave  to  her  husband,  or  be  my  conke- 
bine. 

Yisterday  I  bade  her  come  to  me,  and,  lo!  .she 
remarkt,  "  Go  'way,  white  man,  or  1  '11  bust  ycr 
hed." 

And  I  gode. 

Her  childern  are  free — they  arc  mine,  likewise, 
but  I  can't  sell  em  on  the  block,  to  the  highest 
bidder. 


342  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

Therein  Linkin  sinned — he  violatid  the  holiest 
and  highest  instinks  uv  our  nacher ;  he  interposed 
a  prochimashen  atween  father  and  chih.1. 

We  took  the  heathen  from  Afreka,  and  wuz  a 
makin  Christians  uv  em.  Wo  to  him  who  stopt 
us  in  our  mishnary  work. 

It  is  written — "Kin  the  Ethiope  change  his 
skin?"  I  wuz  a  changin  it  for  him,  I  and  my 
fathers,  and  we  hed  mellerd  it  down  to  a  brite 
yaller. 

Dark  is  ray  fucher. 

I  obeyed  the  grate  law  uv  labor,  ez  I  served  in 
the  army,  by  substitoot.  ISTow  shel  I  hev  to  stane 
my  hands  with  labor,  or  starve. 

In  what  am  I  better  than  a  N'orthern  mudsill? 

I  kin  git  no  more  dimund  pins  for  the  wife  uv 
my  buzm,  and  she  yawpeth  continyooaly. 

Arrayd  in  hum-spun,  she  wrastles  with  pots  and 
kettles  in  the  kitchen. 

Weighed  down  with  wo,  she  dips  snuff  in  si- 
lence. 

She  asks  uv  me  comfort — wat  kin  I  say,  whose 
pockits  contane  only  Confedrit  skrip? 

Save  us  from  Massychusits,  wich  is  ornery  and 
cussid. 

Protect  us  from  nigger  soljers,  wich  is  grinnin 
feends. 


HAS   A   DREAM.  343 

Shelter  us  from  the  ghost  iiv  John  Brown,  wich 

is  marchin  on. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Lispensashun. 


XCVIII. 

HAS   A    DREAM    WHICH    UNVEILS   THE   FUTURE. 

[Note  to  the  Reader. — The  follerin  vision  hez  no  alloosion  watevcr  to 
poUyticks,  or  to  the  state  uv  our  wunst  happy  but  now  distractid  country. 
The  drcem,  however,  made  a  impression  on  my  susceptible  mind,  and  I 
tling  it  to  the  world.  Ef  one  individooal  is  reclaimed  from  the  paths  uv 
seltish  sin,  and  indoost  to  meander  in  the  smooth  and  narrer  ways  uv 
self-sacrificin  goodnis,  I  am  rewarded  for  the  labor  uv  puttin  it  on  pa- 
per.—P.  V.  N.] 

I  DREEMED  last  nite  that  I  hed  shuffled  off  this 
mortal  coil,  and  wuz  in  the  land  uv  the  hereafter. 
Methawt  I  wuz  decently  deceest,  hed  bin  genteelly 
buried,  and  a  toom-stun,  on  wich  wuz  inscribed 
enuff  virchoos  to  furnish  a  dozen  saints,  hed  bin 
erected  to  my  memry.  I  blusht  a  sperit  blush 
when  I  red  that  stun,  and  diskiverd  what  a  eggs- 
emplary  man  I  hed  bin.  Likewise,  a  auction  wuz 
made  uv  my  estate,  wich  wuz  incloodid  in  a  red 
bandanner  trunk. 

My  sperit  hed  ascendid,  and  I  wuz  at  tlie  outer 
gate  uv  heven,  knockin  for  admittance.     The  sea- 


344  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

son  hcd  bin  a  pekooliarly  heltliy  wun,  and  cz  the, 
doorkeeper  hcd  n't  much  to  do,  while  my  case  wuz 
bein  decidid  on,  I  amoozed  myself  ascertain  in  the 
wherabouts  uv  my  old  acquaintances  who  lied  de- 
ceast  doorin  the  past  ten  yeers. 

"Got  enny  quantity  uv  my  old  frends  up  here?" 
sez  I,  inquirinly. 

"JN^ot  menny,"  sez  he. 

"Deekin  Smathers  is  here,  I  spose?"  sez  I. 

"jN'ot  enny,"  sez  he. 

"Why,"  sez  I,  "the  deekin  wuz  the  heftiest 
man  we  hed  at  a  prayer,  and  no  deekin  cood  be 
more  zelus  in  keepin  the  congregashun  strate." 

"Troo,"  sed  he,  "but,  alars  !  the  deekin  kept  his 
eagle-eye  fixt  so  intently  on  his  naber's  feet,  that 
his  own  got  off  the  road,  and  when  he  pulled  up, 
't  want  at  the  place  he  calkilatid  on.  His  prayers 
wuz  pleasin,  but  ez  they  was  n't  backed  up  by 
DOiN  things  in  proportion,  they  didn't  pass  cur- 
rent up  here." 

"How  about  Elder  Black?  He  wuz  a  charita- 
ble soul — no  man  give  more  to  the  poor  than 
him." 

"  The  elder  give  away  much  money,  but  it 
did  n't  do  him  no  good.  The  trooth  is,  the  elder, 
in  his  younger  days,  made  up  his  mind  to  git 
rich  and  be  a  good  man  both.     He  'd  give  a  wid- 


HAS   A   DREAM.  34o 

dcr  a  ten-dollar  note,  and  to  make  it  up  wood 
charge  a  workman  that  amount  for  tools  broken 
in  his  servis.  He  'd  swindle  his  naber  out  uv  his 
eye-teeth  in  wat  yoo  call  biznis,  down  below,  and 
compromise  with  his  religion  by  subscribin  one- 
tenth  uv  the  profits  to  a  mishnary  society.  Com- 
permisin  don't  work  in  religion — the  compermiser 
gives  to  the  devil  suthin  uv  valyoo,  and  reseeves 
in  return  that  wich  damns  him.  His  swindlins 
and  cheatins  and  oppressions  wuz  eggsakly  bal- 
anst,  in  number,  by  his  charities;  but,  ez  he  died 
wuth  a  half  a  million,  the  swindlin  side  wuz  the 
heaviest  in  quality.  We  keep  books  very  akerit, 
up  here." 

*' Wher  is  good  sister  Muckum?  She 's  all  rite, 
anyhow." 

"  Considrably  not.  The  old  lady  bleevd  in  the 
doctrin  uv  eleckshun,  to-wit:  that  she  wuz  elected 
2  be  saved,  and  evry  body  else  wuz  elected  to  be 
damned.  She  used  to  confess,  in  her  prayers, 
that  she  wuz  a  poor,  mizablo  sinner,  but  she 
did  n't  bleeve  a  word  uv  it.  She  meant  her  na- 
bers,  all  the  time." 

"Deekin  Kitt  is"— 

"No  he  isn't.  His  nose  wuz  too  red.  The  les- 
sons he  used  to  give  his  fellows  on  the  sul)gcck 
uv  temprance,  et  settry,  he  never  practist  hisself. 
22 


346  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

He  lied  a  favorit  door,  and  beliint  that  door  he 
sucked — not  a  honest  suck — ^he  tride  to  deseeve 
hisself.  He  loved  sperits,  but  he  spent  fifteen 
yeers  a  tryin  faithfully  to  convince  hisself  that  he 
hed  dispepsy,  and  needed  whisky,  reglar,  to  keep 
him  up.  He  fooled  hisself  down  there,  but  up 
here  it's  another  thing." 

"Sister  Swan,  who  writ  them  speritooal  hims 
that  wuz  sung  in  all  the  Churches.  Sich  piety  ez 
prodoost  them  effoosions  must  be  safe." 

"Agin  wrong.  Sister  Swan  writ  beautiful  hims; 
but,  my  deer  sir,  she  never  felt  them  sentimence. 
She  wuz  burnt  up  with  a  itchin  after  fame,  and 
sich,  and  writin  speritooal  hims  happened  to  be 
her  best  holt.  Ef  she  'd  a  knack  uv  writin  comik 
songs,  she  'd  hev  writ  em.  Wun  may  write  like 
Watts,  but  to  git  where  Watts  is,  he  must  do  ez 
Watts  did.  Yoo  can't  offset  starvin  servant  girls 
with  writin  speritooal  hims,  enny  more  than  yoo 
kin  make  speritooal  hims  take  place  uv  the  bred 
and  taters  they  ought  to  hev." 

"Squire  McShinnegan" — 

"Jined  the  Church  to  keep  hisself  bein  contin- 
ooally  Squire." 

"Bibney,  the  merchant" — 

"Kep  inside  the  pale  uv  the  Church  for  trade, 
but  his  body  wuz  all  that  wuz  inside,  and  that 


HAS   A   DREAM.  347 

jumpt  out  every  time  he  went  to  K'oo  York. 
His  sole  wuz  in  his  goods,  and  it 's  gone  where 
his  goods  is." 

"Well,  who  hev  yoo  here?" 

"Yoo  mind  that  nigger  blacksmith  who  lied  a 
pew  in  the  back  part  iiv  the  Church.  He  's  here. 
He  bleevd,  honistly,  and  practist  jest  ez  fur  ez  he 
knew  how.  He  did  wrong  evry  day,  but  he  alluz 
repentid  in  good  faith,  and  workt  to  dodge  that 
same  sin  the  next  day.  He  give  librelly,  without 
blattin  it  all  over  creashun,  and  never  paid  twice 
ez  much  to  hev  it  publish t  in  the  noozepapers  ez 
the  gift  amounted  to,  wich  is  a  correct  deffinishun 
uv  ginooine  charity.  Then  tlier  's  Widder  Mack- 
intosh"— 

"She  never  give  nuthin." 

"Uv  coarse  she  didn't,  coz  she  hed  n't  it  to 
give.  The  Lord  don't  ask  impossibilities.  Ihit 
she  wood  hev  give,  willinly,  ef  she  'd  hed  it, 
and  that  wuz  all  that  wuz  needed.  Old  Pete 
Barker"— 

"He  coodent  make  a  prayer." 

"Sartinly  not;  but  he  sed  Amen  to  tlicni  07. 
cood,  and  while  he  alluz  meant  it,  them  ez  made 
em  didn't,  half  the  time.  Then  wc  hev  Amos 
Petter,  who  divided  his  last  half  bushel  uv  taters 
with  the  pauper  the  township  woodent  take  keer 


348  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

uv — Abram  Vandoosen,  who  nurst  the  poor  when 
the  small-pox  wuz  ragin,  twelve  yeers  ago,  and 
sum  uthers.  Yoo  've  seen  sky-rockets.  They  as- 
cend with  much  fiz,  and  make  a  magnificent  show ; 
but,  alars!  afore  they  reach  the  skies  they  bust 
and  disappear  in  a  sheet  uv  flame.  Jes  so  with 
yoor  loud  professors  and  poor  practisers.  They 
cavort  beautiful;  but  they,  too,  bust  afore  they 
reach  hevin,  and  go  down  in2  a  sheet  uv  flame. 
Yoor  ginooine  Christian  is  a  arrow.  Tipped  with 
faith — feathered  with  works — death  shoots  him  off, 
he  pierces  the  clouds,  and  lands  on  the  rite  side 
uv  Jordan." 

At  this  juncter  I  awoke.     I  shoodent  wonder  ef 
a  heep  uv  people  wuz  a  foolin  theirselves. 

Petroleum  Y.  JS'asbt, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


OPPOSES  THE  NOMINATION  OF  SOLDIERS.     340 


XCIX. 
OPPOSES   THE    NOMINATION    OF    SOLDIERS. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  tlic  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  I 

Aujust  the  Slsi,  18G">.      J 

Ther  wuz  wunst  a  doctor  who  hed  a  paslieiit 
he  wuz  a  pliysikin.  While  the  physik  wuz  a 
workin,  he  changed  his  mind  and  administerd  a 
vomick.  The  pashent's  stuniick  wuz  in  wat  mite 
be  cald  a  dilemmcr.  The  physik  wuz  a  i)ullin 
down,  the  vomick  wuz  a  puUin  up,  and  the  poor 
bowels,  undecided  wich  to  foUer,  allowd  the  dis- 
eese  to  fasten  itself,  when  either  wood  hev  ex- 
pelled it.  The  pashent  died,  and  I  am  happy  to 
state  that  his  estate  wuz  insolvent,  and  the  ijeotik 
physician  did  n't  git  his  bill. 

Jest  so.  Dimokrasy  got  the  stumick-ake  when 
the  war  commenst.  Fernandywood  adniinistertl 
the  peace-puke,  and  Micklcllan  dosed  it  witli  war- 
physick.  The  pashent  is  neerly  ded,  and  neither 
doctor  will  get  rich  out  uv  the  assets. 

I  notice  all  over  the  North,  Dimckratik  convcn- 
shuns  are  nominatin  returned  soljers  for  oflis, 
wherever  they  kin  ketch  one  who  will  accept, 
and  ther's  but  little  trouble,  for  in  every  county 


350  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

ther's  orfiscrs  who  went  in2  the  scrvis  becoz  uv 
pay,  who  Ablishnized  theirselves  for  continyoo- 
ance,  and  who  '11  flop  back  to  us  on  the  most  rea- 
sonable terms. 

I  hev  persnel  motives  for  objectin.  Last  win- 
ter these  demons  were  to  home  on  furlo.  Twenty 
uv  em  cum  to  my  peeseful  dwellin,  at  the  ded  hour 
uv  nite,  ceased  my  venrable  form  and  dragged 
me  4th.  They  made  me  kneel  into  the  cold 
snow,  on  my  nakid  knees,  and  with  one  hand  up- 
liftid,  and  my  shirt-tale  a  wavin  in  the  wind,  they 
made  me  take  the  oath,  and  drink  a  pint  uv  water. 
The  oath  give  me  inflammashen  uv  the  brane, 
and  the  water  inflammashen  uv  the  bowels,  and 
for  six  weeks  I  lay,  a  ravin  maniac. 

I  cood  overlook  this,  for  the  Dimekrat  who 
woodent  sacrifice  his  agid  grandmother  for  the 
party,  is  unworthy  the  name ;  but  I  object  to  nom- 
inatin  them,  for  the  follerin  reasons  also: 

1.  Taint  honist.  In  1862  I  called  the  soljers 
"Linkin  purps,"  and  the  orfisers  "  sholder-strapt 
hirelins,"  and  I  meant  it.  They  wuz  wagin  a 
crooil  and  unholy  war  agin  Dimokrasy ;  they  wuz 
redoosin  our  magorities  in  the  Suthern  Staits  at 
the  rate  uv  sum  hundreds  per  day,  and  now  to 
nominate  them,  is  a  flop  I  '11  never  make. 

2.  'T  won't  pay.    These  fellers  sold  us  out  when 


OPPOSES  THE  NOMINATION  OF  SOLDIERS.     351 

they  took  commishns;  they  sold  out  the  Ablish- 
nists  when  they  flopt  back  to  us,  and  what  guar- 
anty hev  we  that  they  wont  sell  us  out,  the  next 
turn  uv  the  wheel?  Ef  we  cood  git  sum  decent 
wuns  it  mite  do;  but,  good  Lord!  the  soljer  who 
wood  do  this  wood  be  lower  down  than  we  is,  wich 
wood  bother  a  man.  All  the  votes  that  sich  men 
cood  controle,  we  hev  alluz  owned  in  fee-simple. 

3.  Taint  justis  2  us  originel  Copperheds.  We 
endoored  the  heat  and  burden  uv  the  day;  we  re- 
sistid  drafts;  we  damned  taxes;  we  wuz  Fort  La- 
fayeted  and  Fort  Warined;  'twas  us  who  died  in 
our  door-yards.  Wher  wuz  these  orfisers  then  ? 
All  the  damage  they  dun  the  guverment  wuz  in 
drawin  pay  and  rashens. 

4.  The  reconstructid  Dimokrasy  uv  the  South 
won't  like  it,  and  to  them,  after  all,  we  must  look 
for  success. 

5.  They  acknowledged  nigger  equality,  by  al- 
lowin  niggers  to  lite  with  em. 

6.  We  hev  gone  too  fur  to  try  the  soljer-dodge. 
We  opposed  the  war;  we  opposed  tlier  vol  in;  we 
opposed  the  Ablishn  in  votiu  pay  and  .supplies, 
we  opposed  aid  societies,  and  laft  at  sanitary  com- 
mishns; we  opposed  drafts  at  a  time  when  they 
needed  help;  and  to  go  back  on  sich  a  record  is 
ruther  renchin,  and  I  won't  do  it. 


352  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

7.  Ef  we  undertake  the  soljer,  we  commit  our- 
selves to  payin  his  penshuns,  et  settry.  How 
wood  the  Suthern  Dimokrasy  like  that  ? 

8.  Ef  we  nominate  men  who  servd,  we  disgust 
the  deserters  and  them  ez  went  to  Canady  for  the 
sake  uv  the  coz. 

We  hev  cappytle  enuff  in  the  nigger.  Let  us 
plant  ourselves  boldly  on  shoor  ground.  Let  us 
resolve  that  Goddelmity  wuz  rite  in  makin  the 
nigger  our  slave,  tho  he  made  a  mistake  in  im- 
plantin  in  his  heevin  buzm  a  cronic  desire  to  run 
away  from  his  normal  condishn.  Let  us  hang  out 
our  banner,  and  inscribe  on  its  folds,  "JN'o  marryin 
niggers!"  "N^o  payin  a  debt  inkurd  in  a  nigger 
war!"  "Protect  us  from  nigger  equality!"  and 
sich  other  precepts  ez  cum  within  range  uv  the 
Dimekratik  intellek,  and  go  in  and  win. 

May  the  Lord  hasten  the  day. 

Peteoleum  y.  JSTasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


SONNIT — 2   HANNER   ANX.  353 

C. 

SONNIT-2    HANNER    ANN. 

KITTEN   AT    THE   AGE    UV   17,    UNDER   A    STAIT    UV   HIGH 
MENTLE    EGGSITEMEXT. 

Sweet  sample  case  uv  loveliness  !     0,  paragon  ! 

From  nite  wuz  stol'n  the  color  uv  thy  eyes  and  kurls ;  * 
Thy  skin  from  alibaster,  and  thy  teeth  from  pearls, 

You  'm  all  the  graces,  melted  in2  one. 

It 's  pure  presumpshun,  Hanner,  I  'm  afradc, 
For  me  to  cast  my  eye  so  fur  above  mc ; 
But,  sweet  wun,  ef  yoo  wait  for  wun  to  love  ye, 

Whose  worthy  uv  ye — ah !  you  '11  die  a  maid,  f 

My  love  's  a  little  stream,  a  runnin  all  alone ; 
Yoors  is  another — now,  sweet  maid,  let 's  say 
That  Hymen's  matrimonial  spade  shel  dig  away 

The  bank  atween  us,  and  the  2  unite  in  one ! 

Wat  happinis !     Wat  goy!     The  drcera  sets  me  afire, 

Sweet  Hanner,  make  it  real,  and  then  let  me  expire  I  X 

*By  this  the  reeder  will  immejitly  pcrsceve  her  hair  and  ejcs  is 
black.  They  is  black — blacker  nor  the  "the  staitly  raving  ut  the  days 
uv  yore,"  ez  Poe  remarkt. 

tThis  compliment,  so  deliketly  and  artfully  inlcrdoosf,  wui  intcndid 
ei  a  staggrer.  While  her  sooperiority  over  all  others  is  conceded,  while 
she  plooms  herself  on  the  acknollijmcnf,  the  hidjus  prospck  uv  her  dyin 
a  old  maid  is  brot  to  her  mind's  eye. 

X  In  the  eckstatik  strane — yooseful  before  marriage,  but  uv  no  akkount 
after.  People  wood  be  drivlin  ijcots  2  be  willin  to  die,  jest  ci  thcr  htipcs 
wuz  realized. 


354  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY 


CI. 

MEETS  A  PARDONED  REBEL,  WHO  ENLIGHTENS  HIM. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey, ) 
September  the  2lst,  1865.      J 

GixRAL  BoA:pfERGES  PoGRAM,  UV  Mississippj, 
who  demonstrated  his  devoshun  to  the  grate 
prinsiples  uv  constooshnel  liberty,  by  servin  the 
Confedrisy  as  a  commissary,  wrote  me  to  meet 
him  in  Washinton.  He  hed  jest  reseeved  his 
pardon,  and  the  fust  yoose  he  made  uv  his  privi- 
leges, wuz  to  cum  to  Washinton  to  meet  me  for 
consultashen  on  the  hopes  and  j)rospex  uv  the 
Dimokrasy. 

Ginral  Pogram  is  a  fine  specimen  uv  the  ginoo- 
ine,  shivelrus  Sutherner.  Six  feet  2  inches  in 
hite,  he  kin  chaw  more  terbacker,  spit  with 
greater  accooracy,  and  walk  uj^rite  under  a  big- 
ger lode  uv  strate  whisky  than  any  man  I  ever 
met.  A  unsofistikatid  child  uv  nacher,  he  scorns 
the  polish  and  sham  uv  wat  is  called  civilization. 
Never  shel  I  forgit  the  litenin-glanse  uv  contempt 
he  darted  at  me,  when  I  askt  him  to  qualify  his 
whisky  with  a  little  water! 

Ginral   Pogram   opened  by   lamentin   the   un- 


'fyi^h'"'iTf?'liiif'^^'i 


^^.^^^!z> 


t)i:i</^(^y' 


\lfi 


•THE  UNION  AS  IT  WA3I' 


/^ 


MEETS   A    PARDONED    REBEL.  357 

timely  decease  uv  so  many  Suthern  voters,  in  the 
late  diabolikle  war  Linkin  and  his  helyuns  made 
upon  em. 

I  replied,  to  wunst,  that  that  deficit  cood  be 
easily  made  up.  "I  hev,"  scz  I,  "bin  a  considrin 
this  matter.  At  a  triflin  expenditoor  uv  money 
the  tide  uv  emigrashen  from  Europe  kin  be  tiirnd 
Southward,  and  the  places  uv  yoor  slawterd  he- 
roes be  filled  with  the  Irishman,  the  German, 
the"— 

"Liar!  theef!  murdrer!  nigger-steeler ! "  shoutid 
the  Ginral,  seezin  me  by  the  throte,  and  bran- 
dishin  his  cane  over  me. 

Tallin  on  my  knees,  (formin  a  tablow,  the 
"Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz,")  I  gaspt, 

"Why  this  violence?" 

"0,  nuthin,"  replied  the  Ginral,  relaxin  his 
holt,  "I  shel  be  electid  to  Congris,  and  ez  I  shel 
hev  to  mix  with  yoo  Yankees,  I  wuz  a  practisin 
the  old  tacktix,  jist  to  git  my  hand  in  agin.  Wuz 
yoo  afeerd?  Bless  yoor  sole,  we  woodent  l;ill  a 
Northern  Dimekrat  for  no  money — wo  need  em. 
"But,"  continnerd  he,  "this  emigrashen  skccm 
uv  yoorn  won't  work.  Yer  Irishman  and  yer 
German  wood  work,  but  they'd  want  wages!" 

"Wal!"  sez  I,  astoundid,  not  seein  wat  he  wuz 
drivin  at. 


358  PETROLEUM   V.  NASBY. 

"Can't  yoo  sec,"  scz  he.  "They'd  earn  money, 
they  'd  save  it.  Our  habits  is  expensive,  and  now 
that  nigger-breedin  is  dun  away  with,  we  can't 
sell  a  half  dozen  niggers  j^er  annum,  to  keep  up 
our  expenses.  Alas!  (teers  suffused  his  beemin 
eyes,  ez  he  spoke)  the  last  nigger  I  sold  wuz  ez 
white  ez  yoo  are;  my  son  Tom  wuz  her  father, 
and  I  got  |2,500  for  her  in  Mobeel,  when  she  wuz 
16.  I  sold  her  to  the  Presdent  uv  the  Suthern 
Sosiety  for  the  covershn  uv  the  heathn.  I  knockt 
a  hundred  off  the  price  uv  the  gal,  on  that  ac- 
count.    But  to  resoom. 

"The  furriner  works,  and  saves  suthin.  We 
won't  work,  can't  sell  no  more  niggers,  and  git 
hard  up,  and  hev  to  sell  land  to  furriners.  Then, 
he  's  OUR  EKAL !  and  wat  becums  uv  the  an- 
shent  shivelry?" 

"But,"  sez  I,  "yoo  hed  the  poor  whites  among 
yoo  afore  the  war.  What  wuss  wood  a  furriner 
be?" 

"Them  poor  whites  wuz  a  pekoolyer  class;  we 
kep  em  coz  we  hed  to  hev  em  to  vote.  We  al- 
lowd  em  to  squat  on  our  lands,  never  let  em  learn 
2  read,  and  kep  ther  skins  full  uv  cheep  whisky. 
When  wun  uv  em  got  to  know  too  much,  we 
either  killed  him  or  sent  him  JS^orth,  keepin 
among  us  jest  sech  ez  we  wantid.     With  our  poor 


MEETS  A   PARDONED  REBEL.  .'^VJ 

whites  (loin  our  votin  at  hum,  yoo  Dimekrats  doiii 
it  up  North,  and  the  niggers  doin  our  labor,  trooly 
we  wuz  a  favord  peeple." 

"But  who  are  yoo  goin  to  git  to  do  yoor  labor?" 

"The  nigger." 

''  But  yoo  '11  hev  to  pay  him  wagis !" 

"Not  much.  The  Northern  legislachers  are  a 
passin  laws  agin  their  comin  there,  so  they  can't 
git  away  from  us,  and  jest  ez  soon  ez  the  thrice- 
accursed  hirelin  soljers  are  withdrawd,  our  laws 
is  in  force,  and  then  wat  good  is  a  nigger's  con- 
tract to  him  ?  INIethinks  the  cuss  uv  Kanan  is 
still  onto  him,  Linkin  to  the  contrary  notwith- 
standin.  I  shel  be  kind  to  mine — I  shel  pay  the 
able-bodied  field-hands  $4  per  month,  mechaniks 
say  $6.  Uv  coarse,  ef  furriners  kin  compete  witli 
em,  and  work  for  less,  we  '11  take  em,  pcrvided 
they  '11  be  ez  umble. 

"The  nigger  wuz  made  to  be  a  shivc.  (^id 
oust  Kanan,  and  sed  he  shood  be  a  servant  for- 
ever. Did  he  mean  us  to  pay  em  wages?  Not 
enny;  for  ef  he  had,  he  wood  hev  ordered  our 
tastes  and  habits  so  ez  we  shood  h<'\-  li(«(l  tin- 
wherewithal  to  do  it. 

"Nasby,"  sed  he,  a  pausin  to  drain  the  bottli'. 
and  roUin  his  ize  uppards,  "I  am  the  chiKl  uv  a 
pious  parence,  and  never,  no,  never,  will  I  depart 


360  PETEOLEUM  V.  NASBY. 

from  their  faith.  God  cust  the  nigger,  and  I  will 
do  my  part,  manfully,  toward  carryin  out  His 
will.  Watever  betides  us,  the  sons  uv  Ham  must 
be  the  servance  uv  the  sons  uv  Japheth,  and  their 
dawters  likewise,  that  the  Skripter  shel  be  ful- 
filled." 

I  partid  with  that  grate  and  good  man,  my 
mind  full  uv  the  neerly  white  gals  he  owned,  and 
determined,  ere  long,  to  be  assistin  uv  him  in  ful- 
fillin  that  part  uv  the  Skripter. 

Petroleum  Y.  IN'asby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Lisj^ensashun. 


THE    WISE    OLD    KAT.  3G1 


CII. 

THE   WISE    OLD    RAT. 

a'  CLASSIKLE  fable,  DESINED  2  ILLUvSTRAIT  THE  IJEE  UV 
"  PLUCKIN  THE  FLOWER  SAFETY  FROM  THE  NETTLE  DAN- 
GER."     AFTER   iESOP,    WHO    WUZ    UEVY    ON    FABLES. 

WuNST  upon  a  time,  a  wise  old  rat,  whose  gray 
hares  showd  concloosivly  to  the  most  ordinary  in- 
tellek  the  wisdom  that  yeers  and  expcrcnse  kin 
only  give,  startid  out  a  foragin  for  the  wants  uv 
his  luvd  wuns  2  hum. 

He  hadn't  bin  ingaged  in  this  ardoous  dooty 
but  a  short  time,  when  he  wuz  surrcjundid  by  a 
small,  but  intensely  wiekid  boy,  who  '2  wiiiist  give 
chase.  The  wise  old  rat,  not  lievin  bin  a  home 
gard,  run,  and  in  runnin  fell  in2  a  di-y  (•i>UTn, 
wich  wuz  about  17  feet  deep.  It  wuz  jest  dark, 
and  the  boy,  seezin  a  shingh*,  liuv  it  at  liim.  It 
mist  its  aim,  and  he  wuz  about  hecvin  a  bi-ick, 
wen  he  bethunk  hisself  tlius: 

"Hold,"  sez  he,  "he  cant  git  out.  I  will  let 
him  stay,  and  to-morrer  I'll  hist  Xi|».  my  t.ii-ricr, 
in,  and  it'll  be  hunky  fun  2  sim^  liim  kill  him." 

U^Jon  wich,    with    a    sardonic    grin   urcsprcdiu 

2a 


362  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

his  utlierwise  intellcktooal  countenansc,  he  strode 
havvtily  away. 

The  wales  iiv  the  entrapt  wun  soon  brot  2 
the  spot  his  noomerus  progeny  and  their  mother. 
In  agony  uv  sperit,  they  wrung  their  paws  and 
cried — 

"Bakl-hed,  cum  up." 

"Verily,  wood  I,"  sez  he,  "but  how?  'No,  no, 
my  childern — it's  all  up  with  me.  Let  day-lite 
return,  and  I'm  a  goner.  My  time  is  short. 
Bless  yoo,  wife  uv  my  buzzum — bless  yoo,  pro- 
dux  uv  our  chased  luv.  I  hed  hoped  2  hev  lived 
long  enuff  2  hev  tawt  yoo  the  neetest  way  uv 
chawin  thro  a  cubberd,  uv  dodgin  cats,  and  uv 
suckin  eggs,  but  fate  is  too  menny  for  me — I 
suckkum." 

At  this  momenchus  crisis  a  hevy  rane  sot  in. 

"Now,"  sez  he,  "I  am  shoorly  gone.  The  cis- 
tern will  fill  with  water,  and  I  shel  drown.  0, 
horrid  fate,  that  I  shood  live  to  be  a  drowndid 
rat ! " 

The  rane  fell,  and  soon  the  bottom  uv  the  cis- 
tern wuz  covered.  In  his  despare  he  notist  the 
shingle  a  flotin,  and  in  hopes  uv  prolongin  his  life 
a  few  momence,  he  sprang  onto  it,  and  began  dis- 
closin  to  his  wife  the  locashen  uv  a  cheeze  he  hed 
discovered,  when  observin  that  the  shingle  bore 


THE   WISE   OLD    RAT.  363 

him,  ho  stopt  siiddently.  Ilis  wife  Ijog-vd  him 
to  go  on,  and  not  let  so  important  a  sekrit  die 
with  him. 

"Shot  up,"  retorts  he,  in  his  anshont  way;  "of 
this  rane  hokls  out  long  onuff,  I  'm  oz  good  oz  a 
dozen  ded  rats." 

Shoor  enuif,  it  did  ranc  till  the  cistern  wuz  full, 
the  rat  monotime  flotin  comfortably  on  the  shin- 
gle. When  it  wuz  quite  full,  he  paddled  it  to  the 
side  with  his  fore-foot  (stcorin  with  his  tale,)  and 
gaily  sprang  onto  terry  firmy,  wich  is  Lattin  for 
dry  land.     *     *     * 

That  nito  ther  wuz  goy  in  the  habitashon  uv 
that  rat.  He  gatherd  his  childern  about  him,  and 
tellin  em  the  story  uv  his  advencher,  moralizd 
thus  to  em : 

"Observ,  my  childern,  that  blossins  cum  to  us 
very  frekently  in  disgiso.  AVe  murmor  at  ter- 
riers, wich  rend  us  with  nootnis  and  dispatch. 
But  mark.  Hod  not  that  boy  hod  a  rat  (crriiT 
ho  wood  liov  dispatched  mo  with  brix.  Thus  is 
the  evil  desires  uv  the  wickid  mad(^  to  work  good 
for  the  saints,  uv  whom  1  am  wliidi. 

"How  I  dredid  that  shiiiglo !  Vol.  but  fm-  (hat 
shingle  yoor  dad  wood  hcv  bin  a  iiiiiaii\ mait 
corpse.  Troo,  1  am  ontithMl  to  crodit  lor  my 
skill  in  dodgin  it,  but  uv  what  avale  wood   hcv 


364  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

bin  that  skill  lied  I  heel  no  opportoonity  2  exer- 
cise it? 

"The  rane  wuz  2  hev  bin  my  destrucshen. 
Blessid  wuz  the  ra;ne!  The  flud  that  wuz  2 
overwhelm  me,  bore  me  on  its  buzzum  2  safety. 

"In  eoncloosion.  Providense  alluz  furnishis 
oppertoonities — he  is  trooly  grate  who  hez  the 
branes  2  know  the  proper  time  to  grab,  and  the 
nerve  to  do  it.  Let  Nil  Despritrando  be  yer  motto, 
keep  yer  eers  open,  yer  eyes  peeled,  and  yer  claws 
sharp,  and  you'll  go  thro  life  a  sailin.  Remem- 
ber, ther  is  no  evil  but  is  mixed  with  good;  the 
wise  turn  evil  2  good,  while  the  foolish  sink  under 
it.      Bless   yoo,   my  childern — good-nite.     I   will 

seek  my  couch." 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Clmrcli  uv  the  Noo  Bisimisashun. 


SONNIT — 2   MY   XOZE.  30' 

cm. 

SONNIT-2    MY    NOZE, 
WICH   I   HEV   BIN   COLORIN   FOR   MANY   YEERS. 

Mammoth  probossis  !     My  troo  mirror  shows 
Thou  fill  'st,  at  last,  my  yearnin  hart's  desires ; 
In  size,  you  '11  do — in  color,  Etna's  fires 

Can  not  compare  with  thee,  resplendent  noze ! 

Meershawm  invertid !     Glowing  as  the  morn. 

How  many  nips — nips — faw !     Say  galons,  quarts, 
Did  it  take  to  raise  them  great,  gigantic  warts  ? 

Them  bloo  karbunkles,  that  thy  fiery  sides  adorn  ? 

Magestic  organ !  e'en  yoo  kin  be  improved — 
Arkimides  wunst  sed,  that,  with  his  strength, 
A  fulcrum,  and  a  lever  uv  suffishent  length. 

The  world,  wich  weighs  a  trifle,  cood  be  moved. 
Jes  so!     Give  me  unlimited  supplies. 
And,  noze!  I'll  double  thee  in  color  and  iu  size. 


366  PETEOLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

CIV. 
THE    DISKONTENTID    PEZANT. 

A    ORIENTLE    ALLEGORY,  WITH    A    MOREL    ONTO    IT. 

[NoTK. — The  follerin  is  desined  to  inkulkait  the  ijee  uv  contentment 
with  our  condishn,  and  to  show  the  folly  uv  pinin  after  more  good 
than  nature  intended  us  to  enjoy.  After  ritin  it,  I  red  it  myself,  and 
wuz  afifected  2  teers. — P.  V.  N.] 

WuxsT  upon  a  time,  long  afore  the  fliid,  when 
man  wuz  in  his  highly  original  and  prime  evil 
stait  (wich  meenes  that  he  wuz  wickeder  than  he 
hez  bin  ever  sence)  uv  sin  and  Avickidnis,  Abou 
Ben  Hadem  fiourisht  in  Abissinny,  wich  is  a  stait 
summers  down  East. 

Abou  Ben  Hadem  wuz  a  profit.  He  lied  bin 
in  the  profit  biznis  for  sum  2  hunderd  3'eers,  and 
wuz  hunky  at  it.  It  wuz  currently  reportid  and 
ginerally  beleevd  that  he  cood  beet  enny  profit  in 
them  Eastern  countries,  with  wun  hand  tied  be- 
hind him. 

Wunst  on  a  time,  jest  after  he  hed  partaken  uv 
his  froogle  brekfast  uv  porter-howse  steak,  stufft 
with  Camden  and  Amboy  oysters,  and  wuz  a 
musin  onto  the  mutability  uv  human  afl^ares  over 
a  pint  uv  Rhine  wine  and  a  meershaum,  wun  uv 
the  pezantry  uv  that  country  aj)proacht. 


THE    DISKOXTEXTII)   PEZANT.  367 

"Art  thou  Abou  Ben  Iladem?''  interrugatid 
the  stranger. 

"I  am  he,"  replied  Abou;  "what  wouldest  thou 
with  me?" 

"Behold  in2  me  wuu  who  is  dissatisfide  witli 
his  lot,"  replide  the  intelligent  yomanry. 

"All  men  are  so,  my  son,"  retortid  Abou.  "  I 
kin  see  sich  in  enny  grocery.  Life  is  made  up  uv 
dissatisfactions.  Wun  wants  riches,  another  fame; 
sum  chase  wun  fleetin  shadder,  sum  anotlier;  but, 
alars !  all  er  doomd  2  disappintment.  Let  us  in- 
west  in  Harlem  stox,  and  dub])lo  uur  niuiiiiy — wo 
repine  that  we  dident  buy  oil  shares,  and  trcblo  it. 
But  what  wouldest  thou?" 

"Mighty  Ben  Hadem,  my  name  is  Norval — on 
the  Grampian  hills  my  father  fed  his  flox,  a  froo- 
gal  swane,  and  when  the  old  gentleman  pegged 
out,  he  willed  em  all  2  me.  I  sheer  them  sheep, 
and  wash  the  wool,  and  card  it  and  spin  it,  and 
weave  it,  and  make  it  into  garmence.  Why,  Abou, 
cood  not  nacher  hev  made  my  sheep  to  grow  rolls 
instid  uv  wool,  and  saved  me  the  trubble." 

"My  jentle  frend,"  replied  Abou,  "go  thy 
ways.  Hentz4th  thy  sheep  shel  grow  rolls  instid 
uv  wool." 

[A  week  er  sich  a  matter  is  sposd  2  hov 
elapst.] 


3G8  TETllOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

The  sturdy  yomanry  returnd. 

"Wat  now?  "  sed  Abou.  "Wuz  not  thy  desire 
gratified?" 

"Yea,  muchly,"  replied  the  high-mindid  con- 
stitooent;  "the  sheep  grew  rolls,  and  good  rolls, 
too.  But,  great  Abou,  why  coodent  naclier,  while 
she  wuz  about  it,  hev  made  the  sheep  grow  yarn 
instid  uv  rolls?" 

"Go  to  thy  native  mountins.  Thy  sheep  shel 
grow  fine  yarn  uv  menny  colors." 

[Another  week  gose  by.] 

"Agin  here?"  sed  Abou.  "Artest  thow  not  sat- 
isfide?     Wat  woodest  thou  now?" 

"Mity  profit  !  all  things  is  ez  easy  ez  turnin 
Jack  frum  the  bottom,  2  thee.  My  sheep  grow 
yarn.  Is  it  askin  too  mutch  to  hev  them  grow 
cloth  ?  Then  wood  my  labor  be  lightened — I 
shood  hev  but  to  cut  it  and  sew  it  in2  garmence." 

"Be  it  so;  but  bother  me  no  more.  I  am 
cheerman  uv  the  executiv  committy  uv  my  ward, 
and  the  eleckshun  is  but  3  weeks  off.  Go,  and 
be  satisfide.     Cloth  it  is." 

[A  week  passes  by,  like  a  dreem.] 

"Mighty  Abou"— 

"How  now?     Thy  importunity  displeeses  me. 


THE   DISKONTENTII)    PEZANT.  3G9 

I  hev  3  times  grantid  thy  desires.  A\'at  wantest 
thou  now?" 

"Mighty  Abou,  trooly  at  thy  biddin  my  Merec- 
nos,  wich  I  importid  frum  VeniKJiit,  hev  yeeldid 
rolls,  and  yarn,  and  cloth.  Why,  0  i)r()fit,  cood- 
ent  they  jest  ez  well  grow  clothin  reddy-made, 
with  a  Amerrykin  watch  in  the  fob,  and  a  pocket- 
book  filled  with  greenbax  and  a  plug  uv  Caven- 
dish tobacker  in  the  trousis-pokkit.  Grant  me  but 
this,  and" — 

"Away,  ongrateful,  and  let  me  see  thy  face  no 
more.  I  granted  thy  absurd  wishes,  to  show  that 
nacher  did  jest  all  for  us  that  we  necilcd — that 
the  balance  we  must  work  out  ourselves,  and  tliat 
hed  she  dun  more  we  wood  still  hev  bin  dissatis- 
fide.  At  fust,  'twas  rolls,  then  yarn,  then  cloth, 
and  now  yoo  want  close  reddy-made.  Go  back. 
Yer  sheep  grows  common  wool  agin.  Sposin  I  hed 
givd  yoo  all  yoo  askt — wat,  0  miserable,  wood  yoo 
hev  hed  2  do?  Yoo  wood  becum  lazy,  filthy,  and 
rotten.  Yoo  wood  loaf  around  groceries,  mix  iiil2 
pollytix,  and  becum  a  noosance  to  yerself  and 
friends.  Labor  is  hevin's  law.  Nacher  gives  us 
the  raw  material,  and  2  keep  us  busy  she  re(piire.s 
us  to  work  it  into  shape.  Nacher  gives  us  korn — 
it  is  our  dooty  2  make  it  in2  whi.^ky,  and  sicli 
other  produx  ez  go  2  sustane  life.     Without  labor 


370  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

life  is  a  cuss;  with  it  we  air  happy.  A  hizzy 
man  haznt  time  to  reflect  upon  wat  a  mizzable 
cuss  he  is,  wich  reflexion  in  men  uv  high  minds 
wood  lead  to  sooiside.  Gro  thy  ways.  Be  virchus 
and  yool  be  happy." 

Morel. — Employment  uv  wun  kind  er  another 
is  a  necessity.  For  my  part,  I  keep  myself  bizzy 
in  gittin  a  livin  orf  uv  other  people's  labor,  and, 
in  these  degenerate  days,  it 's  jest  all  I  kin  do. 

Morel  number  2. — The  more  we  git,  the  more 
we  want.     (Wich  is  new.) 

Petroleum  Y.  ^N'asby, 

Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Bisijensashun. 


SONNIT— 2  A  SKEETER.  371 

CV. 
SONNIT-2    A    SKEETER. 

KITTEN    WHILE    FITIN    THE    CUSSES. 

Skeeter  !  you'm  with  us  wuiist  agin  !   you'ra  cum 

With  sting  uv  strength — -with  teeth  uv  wondrous  power, 
Agin  to  vex  us  in  tlie  midnite  hour, 

With  sleep-disturbin  buz — with  rest-destroyin  hum. 

Yoor  here,  and  yoo  've  a  mishun,*  't  is  to  bite 
Awl  sorts  uv  peeple,  and  2  suck  tlicir  blood, 
Wich  yoo  perform  jest  ez  a  lawyer  wood. 

Only  they  bete  yoo  at  it  a  darnation  site. 

Now  sportivly  yoo  cup  a  old  man's  thigh. 

And  then,  0  luxury,  yoo  pierce  a  maden's  neck,t 
Then  in2  childhood's  brest  yoor  lance  yoo  stick  ; 

Thus,  like  a  epiqr,  frum  swete  to  swete  yoo  fly. 

And  frum  eech  fountin  drinkin  long  and  deep. 

Like  old  McBeth,  Esq.,  yoo  murder  sleep. 

*Mo8t  fokes  who  hev  a  mishun  air,  like  the  skeeter,  meerly  suckers. 

tWunst  only  did  I  envy  the  skeeter.  I  wuz  a  scttin  onto  a  rockin- 
chccr,  and  Iliuincr  Ann  jvuz  on  my  knee.  A  skeeter,  who  lied  a  eye  lor 
the  bootifiil,  lit  onto  her  biizzuni.  "  llunnor  Ann."  sez  I,  syin.  "Wat?" 
scz  she.  "  Wooil,  0,  wood  that  I  wuz  a  skeeter,"  sez  I,  look  in  cz  ten- 
derly ez  I  cood,  considrin  that  she  wuz  I'JO  pounds  in  iieft,  and  I  lied 
bin  a  holdin  uv  her  2  hours — "wood  that  I  wuz  a  skeeter,  un<l  hod  my 
bill  where  he  hez  hiznl"  "Petroleum,"  sed  she,  histcrikly,  jjivin  me  a 
hug  th;u  lamed  me  for  G  weeks,  "spozn  yoo  play  skeetcrl"  I  did  mi, 
but,  alas!  3  weeks  after  slie  died  from  eetin  preen  curraiil.«, and  went  i<« 
that  land  where  skeeters  is  unknown,  and  where  currants  is  ever  ri|M». 
Then  did  I  take  2  poctizin,  and  her  untimely  delh  akouuts  for  liie  vane 
UV  sadnis  that  runs  thro  my  effoosiona. 


372  PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY. 


CVI. 

EMBARKS    IN    A  NEW    ENTERPRISE. 

Saint's  Eest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  ] 
September  the  20th,  LSG5.      I 

I  HEV  alluz  heel  my  eagle-eye  fixt  onto  the  pat- 
ent-medicine biznis.  Dimekratik  pollytix  wood  fit 
a  man  for  that  occupashen,  or  that  occupashen 
wood  fit  a  man  for  Dimekratik  pollytix.  Onless 
we  succeed  in  carryin  the  eleckshun  this  fall  I 
shel  go  into  it.  Ef  we  are  beaten  now,  with  all 
the  advantage  uv  taxation  and  nigger  suffrage, 
our  coz  is  lost,  and  ez  the  nigger  sez  in  the  play: 

"  Old  feller's  occupashen's  gone ; " 

and  then,  ho !  for  the  bowels  uv  the  people  who 
woodent  submit  their  minds  to  my  guidance.  I 
am  certin  uv  a  greater  measure  uv  success;  for, 
while  all  people  hev  bowels,  mighty  few  hev  minds, 
and  ez  a  rool,  the  more  bowels  the  less  mind. 

Anticipatin  this  catastrophe,  I  hev  already  pre- 
pared my  advertisements. 

The  follerin  will  be  my  first  announcement : 
"A  retired  physician,  whose  front  teeth  air  en- 
tirely gone,  for  85  yeers  constooshnally  averse  to 


EMBARKS    IX   A   XEW   ENTERPRISE.  ,'J73 

work,  wishes  to  spend  the  few  rcmainin  days  al- 
lotted to  him,  in  alleviatin  the  siiffrins  iiv  tlie 
afflictid,  and  in  makin  payments  on  a  country  res- 
idence. 

"While  a  mishnary  in  ]S^o  Gersey,  his  only 
dawter,  a  beautiful,  artlis,  gushin  creecher,  uv 
skarse  38,  wuz  stricken  down  with  tliat  driMlful 
malady,  consumption.  She  wuz  restored  to  helth 
by  wun  uv  the  aboriginees  uv  that  desolate  coun- 
try, by  the  biled-down  extract  uv  a  weed  that 
flurishes  luxooriantly  there.  Wisliin  to  do  all  the 
good  in  his  power,  he  will  send  the  recipe  on  the 
receet  uv  $18,  in  postage-stamps,  to  all  who  may 
desire  it." 

This  I  rather  think  will  do,  partikelerly  when 
follered  by  sich  certifikits  as  these : 

Case  9018. — P.  O'Flanegin,  brakesman,  lied  his 
left  leg  taken  off,  close  up,  by  allowin  it,  ingoo- 
dishusly,  to  hang  atween  the  bumpers  uv  2  cars, 
one  goin  east  and  totlier  west.  Applied  i-nii- 
edy,  ez  per  instructions,  to  end  uv  stiimp.  Next 
mornin  stump  hed  grown  18  int-hes.  In  three 
days  it  wuz  ez  long  ez  tother  leg,  and  the  foot  hed 
formed.  Put  on  a  boot  on  the  inoniin  uv  tlie  1th 
day.  At  noon,  the  growin  lo<»t  bust  id  it,  ami  by 
nite  the  leg  wuz  ten  indies  loiiL^er  tiian  the  other. 
At  last  accounts  the  leg  wuz  still  growiu. 


374  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

P.  S. — Wishin  to  do  all  the  good  possible,  I 
promptly  discovered,  by  accident,  another  weed, 
wich  will  stop  the  growin;  wich,  wishin  to  do  all 
the  good  possible,  I  will  send,  on  receet  uv  more 
stamps. 

Case  3824. — Mary  M'Guire,  widow  with  nine 
small  children.  Sent  stamps  and  receivd  receet. 
Cut  her  oldest  girl's  arm  to  the  bone  to  try  it. 
Applied  and  healed  in  30  minits.  An  idee  struck 
her.  Drove  up  her  cow,  and  sliced  a  steak  off 
the  right  hind-quarter.  Applied  the  flooid.  The 
place  healed  up  in  a  few  minits,  ready  for  another 
steak  to  be  taken  off.  Now  supplies  the  whole 
naberhood  with  tender,  fresh  beef  from  that  one 
cow,  and  hez  bin  raised  from  actooal  penury  to 
afflooence.  Last  week  she  investid  |12,000  in 
7-30's. 

Case  6010. — Peter  Magnus,  carpenter,  made  a 
winder-frame  too  narrer  by  six  inches.  Put  it  in 
its  place  and  rubbed  the  flooid  on  each  side.  Next 
mornin  the  frame  hed  grode  to  the  desired  width. 

Case  7287. — Amos  Caput,  completely  bald  from 
birth.  Applied  the  flooid  at  nite,  and  in  the 
mornin  hed  a  bootiful  hed  uv  hair,  all  in  ringlets. 
Tried  it  on  a  hog's  back,  and  found  it  wood  pro- 
doose  bristles  in  3  hours.  Grreesed  a  pine  board 
with    lard,    applied    the    flooid,    and    found    that 


INDULGES    IX   A    REMIXISCENCE.  375 

bristles  wood  grow  there  jest  as  well.     Is  now  en- 
gaged in  the  manufacture  uv  shoe-brushes. 

I  shel  hev  several  bushels  uv  postage-stamps  to 
dispose  uv,  in  a  few  weeks. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasry, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  I)isj)e)isashun. 


CVII. 

INDULGES    IN   A    REMINISCENCE    OF   HIS    YOUTHFUL 

DAYS. 

Forty  yeers  is  a  long  time  ago.  Wat  smilin 
babes  hev  bornded  in  that  time,  who  liev  senco 
growd  up,  good  and  bad  men  and  winicn  !  ^\'at 
brite  hopes  hev  sprung  up  that  hev  bin  blighted 
by  disappintment !     Wat — 

Bat  what's  the  yoose  uv  moral izin?  Ez  I  set 
a  smokin  my  evenin  pipe,  memry  went  back  forty 
yeers,  and  a  insident  that  okkurrcd  at  that  time 
cum  forsibly  to  my  mind. 

I  wuz  then  a  dotin  youth,  wIk.  indulged  in  brite- 
colored  weskets,  and  invcstiMl  hca^'v  in  liaii--i.il. 
My  hart  wuz  a  peece  uv  tinder,  widi  a  glance 
from  ary  femenine  eye,  uv  not  oxer  .'5n  yocr.s, 
wood  fire,  and  which  spark  a  sigh  wood  fin  into 
a  glowin  flame.     1  wuz  susceptible. 


376  PETROLEUM  V.    NASBY. 

Near  my  paternal  ancestor's  roof  resided  a 
farmer,  who  hed  but  one  child  and  a  smashin 
farm.  This  child  wiiz  a  girl,  who  w-uz  ez  pretty 
ez  a  Wenus,  and  who  knew  it,  and  who  also  knew 
that  when  that  old  hard-hitter,  Death,  shood  send 
her  parents  to  grass,  she  wood  cmn  in  for 

"A  very  large  forchune  in  sihxr  and  gold," 

ez  the  poet  hez  it.  Consequently  she  waiz  ez 
skittish  ez  a  yeerlin  colt  with  a  chestnut-burr 
under  its  tail,  and  made  no  more  akkount  uv 
the  hearts  and  affections  uv  the  young  men  than 
ez  tho  they  w^uz  so  many  apple-dumplins.  She 
flirted  with  all  uv  em,  and  played  her  keerds  so 
skillfully  that  every  one  uv  em,  within  a  circuit 
uv  five  miles,  honestly  expected  to  marry  her. 

Two  uv  em  w^ere  speshelly  infatooatid,  myself 
and  Eb  Brown,  for  she  hed  promised  to  marry 
us  both.  She  told  us,  (separately,  uv  coarse,)  that 
the  only  obstikle  w^uz  that  we  were  too  poor  to  git 
the  old  man's  consent,  and  insistid  on  our  Avaitin 
till  w^e  hed  made  our  pile.  To  a  hungry  man  a 
hour  is  a  long  time  to  wait  for  dinner — to  two 
fools,  ded  in  love,  the  time  wasted  to  git  the  pile 
nessary  to  matrimony,  is  a  age. 

There   wuz    at    that    time    oceans    uv    money 
bein  made  a  cuttin  live-oak,  in  Floridy,  and  one 


INDULGES    IX  A    EEMINISCEXCE.  377 

mornin  Eb  cum  to  me  and  asked  me  how  I  wood 
like  to  go  with  him  and  make  our  forchunes  in 
that  biznis.  I  spozd  he  wuz  actooated  by  a  mere 
desire  to  make  money.  I,  filled  full  uv  love,  jumpd 
at  the  proposition,  and  in  a  week  we  were  on  the 
way. 

In  doo  time  we  arrived,  and  without  loss  uv 
time  we  set  to  work.  Inspired  by  love,  wich  is  a 
considerably  stronger  motive-power  than  a  500 
horse-power  engine,  we  waded  in.  Xight  and  day 
we  toiled,  and  instid  uv  the  fine,  free,  open-harted 
fellers  we  wuz  at  hum,  we  bekum  two  uv  the 
closest-fisted  cusses  in  Floridy.  There  wuz  no 
whisky — no  terbacker — no  poker — none  uv  the 
comforts  uv  life  for  us. 

One  Sunday,  after  hevin  washt  up  our  red 
shirts,  and  sowed  on  all  the  buttons,  etc.,  I  hap- 
pen(^d  to  enquire  uv  Eb  why  he  cum  to  sich  a 
God-forsaken  countr3\  To  wunst  he  replied — that 
he  might  make  money,  go  back,  and  marry  the 
objek  uv  his  adorashen. 

"Them's  my  fix,"  shoutid  I,  and  we  iniiiujitly 
shook  hands  and  vowed  eternal  friendship. 

"Yes,"  sez  Eb,  "how  pleasant   'twill  be!     In 

one  short  year  we'll  hev  made  our  spondoolix  and 

w^e'U  go  back.     Yoo'll  marry  yoor  gal;  I  '11  marry 

Looizer,  and" — 
24 


378  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

"Looizer!"  slircekt  I,  scezin  him  by  the  throte, 
"Looizer  who?" 

"Why,  Looizer  Bevins;  who  else?" 

"Good  Lord!"  gasped  I,  my  face  the  color 
iiv  iinbleeched  muslin;  "she's  the  Looizer  I'm 
workin  for." 

We  understood  each  other.  Risin  to  our  feet, 
we  looked  at  each  other  eggsackly  ez  eminent 
young  Amerikin  tragedians  do  when  they  wish  to 
express  hate,  rage,  skorn,  contempt,  loathing,  et 
settry. 

A  ijee  struck  me.  Good  I  only  git  home  fust! 
Hastily  gatherin.my  valyooables,  I  sprung  onto 
the  mule  we  OAvned  in  company,  and  afore  Eb 
knew  what  I  wuz  about,  wuz  a  mile  on  my  way 
to  the  neerest  seaj^ort.  It  finelly  okkurrin  to  him 
wat  my  stratejy  wuz,  he  promptly  stole  another 
mule  and  follered.  A  vessel  wuz  on  the  pint  ur 
sailin ;  we  embarked  together,  and  together  landed 
in  JN'oo  York.  Twict,  on  the  passage,  I  attempted 
to  fling  him  overboard,  but  wuz  each  time  frus- 
trated by  his  sooperior  strength,  and  wuz  only 
saved  myself  from  findin  a  watry  grave,  by  the 
interference  uv  the  crew.  At  Noo  York  we  took 
the  river,  and  at  Albany  the  canal,  and  finelly 
cum  to  the  neerest  town  to  our  respective  place 
uv  abode.     Without  waitin  to  look  after  baggage. 


INDULGES   IX   A    REMIXISCEXCE.  379 

we  rusht  to  a  livery  stable,  and  in  a  few  ininits 
two  teams  mite  liev  bin  seen  tearin  over  the  pike 
toards  Looizer's. 

We  drawd  near  the  house.  It  wuz  at  9  P.  ^I. 
With  strange  forebodins  we  saw  the  venerable 
mansion  brilliantly  illoominatid — there  wuz  indi- 
kashens  uv  suthin.  Flin2;in  ourselves  from  the 
vehicles,  we  rusht  to  the  door,  opened  it,  and — 

On  the  floor  stood  a  beautiful  maiden  in  white ; 
by  her  side  a  young  man  in  black ;  in  front  a  cler- 
gyman, who  wuz  pronounein  these  words : 

"Whom  God  hez  jined  together,  let  no  man  put 
asunder,"  er  suthin  to  that  effeck. 

JSTeed  I  say  that  the  maiden  in  white  arrayed 
wuz  Looizer?  Need  I  relate  how  we  went  back 
together,  and  together  in  the  glades  uv  Floridy 
strove  to  pour  ile  into  each  other's  lasseratid 
harts?     Xot  enny. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Lispensashun. 


380  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


CVIII. 

SONNIT-2    A    KORN, 

ON  THE  LITTLE  TOE  UV  MY  RITE  FOOT,  WICH  OBSTINITLT 
RESISTED  MEDIKLE  TREETMENT.  WRITTEN  AT  THE  HAIR- 
OIL  PERIOD  UV  MY  LIFE,  TO-WIT,  20  YEERS. 

DiSTROYER  UV  my  peece !  old  Folly  is  yoor  dad, 
Tite-boots  yoor  mother.     Agony  and  Pain 
(Deliteful  ophspring)  is  yoor  children  twain 

And  hangin  on  their  skirts  a  1000  ills  ez  bad. 

On  Sunday  nite,  drest  up,  2  Hanner  Ann's  I  go — 
2  sentiments  my  fluttrin  sole  divides — 
I  sink  in  agony — on  joy's  high  boss  I  rides — 

Hevin  in  my  hart — hell  in  that  little  toe. 

0,  Korn  !  wat  woes  we  bring  upon  ourselves  ! 
Why  wuz  not  simple  I  kontent  to  hev 
Feet  UV  the  size  that  nacher,  all- wise,  gave? 

Why  did  I  try  on  8's  instid  uv  12's? 

Suthin  I've  larnt  from  thee — what  nacher's  dun, 
Man  can't  improve   and  better  let  alone. 


ox   THE   DIVEKSITY   OF   THE    RACES.  381 


CIX. 
ON   THE    DIVERSITY   OF   THE    RACES. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gursey,) ) 
September  the  24t/i,  1865.      I 

Whexever  yoo  ask  the  people  to  adopt  any 
given  line  uv  ackshen,  yoo  hev  got  to  give  em 
a  tolable  good  reason  therefor.  Troo,  this  ncA'er 
hez  bin  so  nessary  in  the  Diniekratik  party,  whose 
members  hev  alliiz  fullered  their  Iceders,  without 
askin  the  why  or  wherefore,  with  a  fidelity  beau- 
tiful to  behold.  But  people,  ginrally,  are  inquisi- 
tive, and  wun  reason  why  we  hev  never  succeeded 
with  the  slavery  question,  is  becoz  we  never  hev 
yet  given  a  good  reason  why  the  nigger  shood  be 
held  in  slavery. 

Wunst  it  wuz  sought  to  be  defended  on  the 
ground  that  the  nigger  wuz  inferior  to  the  white 
man,  but  it  woodent  do.  Wliy  ?  Bcooz  the  full- 
blown Dimekrat  thot  to  hisself  to  wunst,  "Ef  the 
stronger  shel  own  the  weaker — ef  the  intcllectoo- 
ally  sooperior  shel  hold  in  slavery  the  intellectoo- 
ally  inferior,  Lord  help  me  I  Why,  I  might  ez 
well  go  into  a  Ablishn  township  and  select  my 
master  to  wunst." 


382  PETROLEUM    V.    ?^ASBY. 

The  same  argument  won't  do  ez  to  nigger 
equality.  AVhy  sliood  we  say  that  the  nigger 
shan't  vote,  on  the  skore  uv  his  not  bein. fitted  by 
eddicashen  or  intelligence,  when  the  fust  and 
cheefest  qualificashen  uv  a  strate  Dimekrat  is  his 
not  knowin  how  to  read?  Why,  to-day,  in  my 
county,  ef  a  Dimekrat  kin  rite  his  name  without 
runnin  his  tongue  out,  we  alluz  refooze  to  elect 
him  a  delegate  in  the  county  conA^enshun.  It  ex- 
poses him  to  the  suspishun  uv  knowin  too  much. 

I  hev  quit  all  these  shaller  dodges,  long  ago. 
We  must  hev  the  nigger,  for  jest  at  this  time 
there  ain't  no  uther  cappitle  for  us  to  run  on ;  but 
he  must  be  put  on  maintainable  ground.  I  put 
my  foot  on  him,  on  the  ground  uv  the  diversity 
uv  the  races  !  He  is  not  wun  uv  us.  He  is 
not  a  descendant  uv  Adam.  Goddlemity  proba- 
bly made  him,  ez  he  did  the  ox,  and  the  ass,  and 
the  dorg,  and  the  babboon,  but  not  at  the  same 
time,  nor  for  the  same  purposes.  He  is  not,  in 
enny  sence  uv  the  word,  a  man  !  His  kulor  is  dif- 
frent,  the  size  uv  his  head  is  diffrent,  his  foot  is 
longer,  and  his  hand  is  bigger.  He  wuz  created 
a  beast,  and  the  fiat  uv  the  Almity  give  us  do- 
minion over  him,  the  same  ez  over  other  beasts. 

Docs  the  theologian  say  that  this  doctrine  un- 
dermines  the    Christian   religion?      I    to    wunst 


ox   THE   DIVERSITY   OF   THE    RACES.  383 

reply,  that  that  don't  matter  to  us.  Diuiokrasy 
and  religion  shook  hands  and  bid  each  other  a 
affekshunate  farewell,  years  ago.  Uv  what  com- 
parison is  religion  to  a  Dimekratik  triumph? 

Doth  the  ethnologist  say  that  the  diffrence 
atween  the  Caucassian  and  Afrikin  is  no  greater 
than  atween  the  Caucassian  and  Mongolian  ?  I 
anser  to  wunst  that  he  is  rite — that  the  Mongolian 
is  likewise  a  beest;  becoz,  don't  yoo  see  there 
ain't  no  Mongolians  in  this  seckshun  uv  country 
to  disprove  it. 

Doth  the  Ablishnist  pint  to  a  nigger  who  kin 
read  and  rite,  and  figure  through  to  division,  and 
in  sich  other  partickelers  show  hisself  sooperior 
to  the  majority  uv  Dimekrats  ?  I  alluz  draw  my- 
self up  to  my  full  hite,  assoom  a  virchusly  indig- 
nant look,  and  exclaim,  "  He  's  nuthin  but  a  d — d 
nigger,  anyhow!"  wich  is  the  only  effective  argu- 
ment we  liev  hed  for  ten  years. 

Doth  the  besotted  nigger-lover  pint  to  the  mu- 
latter,  and  say,  "  What  will  yoo  do  with  him,  who 
is  half  beest  and  half  man,  who  liez  half  a  sole 
that  is  to  be  saved — for  one-half  uv  wliom  Christ 
died?"  I  anser  at  wunst,  that  I  don't  deal  in  ab- 
strackshuns,  and  git  out  cz  soon  cz  possible,  for 
there  is  a  w^eak  pint  there,  that  I  lievcnt  cz  yit 
bin  able  to  git  over. 


384  PETROLEUM   Y.    NASBY. 

This  wun  weak  pint  is  no  argument  agin  my 
theory,  for  happy  is  the  Dimekrat  who  kin  pro- 
j)ouncl  a  theory  that  hezent  a  skore,  instid  uv  wun, 
weak  places  in  it. 

This  doctrine  kivers  the  whole  ground.  Ef  the 
nigger  is  a  beest,  Dimekrats  hev  a  good  excuse 
for  not  givin  to  mishnary  sosieties,  for  uv  what 
use  is  it  to  undertake  to  Christianize  beests,  who 
hev  no  soles  to  save  and  no  intrest  in  the  blood 
uv  Christ?  It  gives  us  a  perfek  rite  to  re-estab- 
lish slavery,  for  doth  not  Blackstun,  who  wuz  sup- 
posed to  know  ez  much  law  ez  a  Noo  Grersey  jus- 
tis  uv  the  peece,  say  that  we  hev  a  rite  to  ketch 
and  tame  the  wild  beest,  and  bend  him  to  our 
uses? 

Also,  he  can't  vote ;  for  wood  the  lowest  white 
man  consent  to  vote  alongside  uv  a  beest,  even  ef 
he  did  walk  on  2  legs?     Not  enny. 

Let  this  doctrine  be  vigerusly  preechd,  and  I 
hev  no  doubt  suthin  will  result  from  it. 

Peteoleum  y.  N'asby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


SONXIT — 2   A   FIVE-CENT    PIECE.  385 


ex. 

SONNIT-2    A    FIVE-CENT   PIECE. 

IT  BEIN   THE    ONLY   WUN   THAT   HEZ    ESCAPED    THE    REQUIRE- 
MENTS   UV   A    CHRONIC    THIRST. 

Price  uv  a  stumick-"warmer !  thou  art  very  lonely, 

One  by  one  thy  brethrin  brite  hev  fled ; 

Thou  one  brite  ray  upon  my  course  shel  shed ; 
One  nip  thou  'It  bring,  and,  wo  is  me,  one  only ! 
Time  wuz  wen  I  dispized  thee,  frackshun  uv  a  dime; 

Time  wuz  I  bathed  my  too  fastijus  lips 

Deep  in  the  nectar  sweets  uv  10-cent  nips, 
And  thot  my  pile  wuz  endlis  ez  old  Time. 
Ez  all  hev  gone,  so  now  shalt  thou  go,  too — 

Then  appetite  must  e'en  depend  on  fiice ; 

Cheek  must  uv  capital  assoom  the  place, 
And  furnish  stumick;  and  wen  tick  won't  do, 

Farewell,  all  hope  ! — I  '11  rush  upon  my  doom, 

And  in  camphene  my  star  shel  set  in  gloom. 

*Thi8  sonnit  wuz  written  afore  the  late  crooel  war,  wen  strate  drinks 
wuz  5  cents,  and  fancy  beveridges  10. 


386  PETKOLFX'M   V.    XASBY. 


CXI. 

ON    SOUTHERN    CHARACTER. 

Saint's  Kest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Xoo  Gersey,  \ 
September  the  23c?,  1865.      ) 

The  world  is,  and  alluz  hez  bin,  full  uv  deloo- 
sions.  A  lie,  well  started,  viggerously  stuck  to, 
and  energetically  pushed,  ansers  jest  ez  well  ez 
the  trooth,  and  will  live  a  long  time.  I  hev  lived 
in  this  world  uv  desepshun  long  enuff  to  diskiver 
that  there  is  a  huge  diffrence  betwixt  the  real  and 
the  ideal. 

For  instance.  In  my  youth  I  wuz  given  to 
reedin  Cooper's  novels,  until,  becomin  infatuated 
with  his  descriptions  uv  the  Injin  stile  uv  livin, 
and  the  granjer  uv  the  Injin  charikter,  I  determ- 
ined to  jine  a  tribe,  and  adopt  their  habits.  I  im- 
agined myself  a  noble  red  man  uv  the  forest,  a 
chasin  the  wild  deer  all  the  day,  thro  the  leafy 
wood,  and  sweetly  sleepin  at  nite  in  a  leafy  bower, 
never  wunst  thinkin  uv  the  friteful  colds  I  'd 
ketch  sleepin  out  uv  doors,  and  uv  the  terrible 
consekences  uv  a  purely  animal  diet  upon  my  un- 
eddikatid  bowils. 

Filled  with  these  ijees,  I  made  my  way  to  the 


ON   SOUTHERX   CHARACTER.  387 

neercst  reservation,  and  the  fust  noble  red  man 
uv  the  forest  I  saw,  wuz  asleep  under  a  tree,  with 
a  bottle  beside  him.  I  awakened  him,  and  ad- 
dressed him  in  the  language  uv  the  novels,  \\'w\i 
I  sposed  wuz  all  he  cood  understand,  thus : 

"Why  slumbereth  the  cheef  uv  the  Pocasokes? 
and  why  are  not  his  feet  upon  the  war-path  ?  The 
skelp  uv  his  father  hangs  in  the  lodge  uv  Skine- 
waugh,  and  his  death  is  unavenged!     Awake!" 

The  noble  Injin  rolled  over  lazily  on  one  elbow, 
took  a  long  pull  at  his  bottle,  ejackelatin : 

"Ugh!  go  way.  White  man  dam  fool — gimme 
(iime — buy  Injin  more  rum!"  and  sank  back  into 
his  inebriatid  slumber. 

Hevin  seen  the  ginooine  Injin  ez  he  exists  out 
uv  the  novels,  I  did  not  jine  that  tribe. 

I  yoosed  to  bleeve  in  Southern  shivelry.  Like- 
wise did  I  bleeve  in  Robinson  Croosoe,  the  male- 
strom,  and  Jackson's  cotton-bales ;  but,  ezl  after- 
wards diskivered,  there  wuz  no  reality  in  these, 
so  I  wuz  prepared  to  bleeve  the  shivelry  uv  the 
South  wuz  a  good  part  bottled  moonshine. 

Wunst,  to  me,  the  Sutherner  wuz  a  compound 
uv  George  IV,  Shevaleer  Bayard,  Ilumbolt,  and 
Longfeller,  possessin  the  deportment  uv  the  fust, 
the  high-grade  shivelry  and  manly  i)hisikle  pcr- 
fekshun  uv  the  sekond,  the  learnin  uv  the  third. 


388  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

and  the  deep  poetic  feelin  uv  the  fourth.  I  sposed 
he  wood  interdoose  his  knife  into  tlie  bowils  uv 
his  enemy  with  the  fearlessness  and  dexterity  uv 
Bayard,  apologize  with  the  calm  grace  uv  George, 
and  write  his  obitchuary  like  Longfeller,  in  the 
stile  uv  Hiawatha. 

I  bleeved  his  residence  wuz  a  manshun,  his 
common  bevrage  the  rosiest  kind  uv  wine,  quaffed 
from  the  most  costly  goblets ;  that  money  with  him 
wuz  a  matter  uv  no  account ;  that  his  time  wuz 
divided  between  his  country,  his  books,  and  manly 
out-door  sports.  In  war,  my  notion  uv  him  wuz 
a  cross  between  Achilles  and  Wellington,  I  givin 
him  the  credit  uv  hevin  the  dash  uv  the  one,  the 
steadiness  uv  tother,  and  the  heroism  uv  both. 
Sich  wuz  my  ijee  uv  the  Suthern  gentleman. 

Wood,  0  wood  that  this  pleasin  deloosion  hed 
never  bin  dissipatid !  It 's  the  nacher  uv  the 
Northern  Dimekrat  to  look  up  2  sumboddy,  and  I 
did  n't  like  the  ijee  uv  hevin  my  idol  dismountid. 
I  wuz  down  South  doorin  the  war,  hevin  served 
sevral  months  in  the  Loozeaner  Pelicans,  a  Con- 
fedrit  regiment,  made  up  uv  the  fust  families  uv 
that  Stait.  I  found  that  I  hed  bin  labrin  under  a 
deloosion  all  my  life.  I  wuz  in  Virginia  a  while, 
where  yoo  are  supposed  to  find  the  highest  type 
uv  Suthern  shivelry.     On  a  average  the  Virginian 


ox   SOUTHERN   CHARACTER.  389 

is  as  mizable  a  cuss  ez  thor  is  on  earth.  His 
mansliun  is  a  shamblin  cabin;  his  rosy  wine  is  a 
stile  uv  j^otato  whisky,  so  inexpressibly  mean  tliat 
it  wood  be  rejected  with  inexpressible  skorn  by 
the  most  reckless  and  abandoned  squaw ;  his 
costly  goblet  is  a  stun  jug  with  a  cob  stopper, 
and  his  highest  ijee  uv  amoosement  is  quarter 
races  and  poker.  Long,  lank,  lathy,  low-browed, 
peak-nosed,  he  approaches  the  appearance  uv  the 
Xortherner  about  ez  closely  ez  a  ring-tailed  bab- 
boon  resembles  Powers'  Greek  Slave. 

In  war  he  haint  no  better  than  in  peece.  He 
fites  well  enuff  when  put  to  it,  but  he  haint  no 
endoorence.  Ef  he  don't  win  from  the  start,  his 
game  is  up.  And  the  less  he  intends  to  do,  the 
more  he  blows  afore  he  commences.  His  endlis 
blowin  about  his  fitin  capasity  and  resources,  afore 
the  war,  wuz  wat  roped  us  Northern  Dimekrats 
into  it,  and  indoost  us  to  stake  our  politikle  fucher 
on  their  success.  Alars!  we  wuz  fooled  in  em,  and 
we  go  down  with  em. 

I  never  want  to  hear  a  word  agin  about  Suth- 
ern  shivelry.  We  hev  got  to  git  em  back  agin, 
for  alone  we  kin  do  nothin,  and  I  spose  when  wc 
hev  em  back,  we  '11  hev  to  kimckle  to  em  jist  ez 
we  did  afore  the  war,  for  they  comprise  the  heft 
uv  the  party;  but  we'll  do  it  this  time  for  policy, 


390  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

while  before  we  did  it  from  sheer  belief  in  their 
sooperiority  over  us.  I  'd  be  well  satisfied  ef  we 
cood  git  along,  ez  a  party,  without  em. 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 
Lait  Faster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjjensashun. 


CXII. 

A   HORRIBLE   VISION. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,)  1 
September  the  20ih,  18G5.      J 

Last  nite,  for  amoozement,  I  picked  up  a  vol- 
lum  uv  poems,  ritten  by  wun  Camell,  and  hap- 
pened to  read  a  peece  called  "The  Last  Man." 
It 's  a  rayther  heavy  peece  uv  writin.  His  de- 
scriptive powers  are  rather  better  than  mine,  tho, 
perhaps,  ef  my  too  partial  friends  ain't  too  par- 
tial, he  is  a  long  way  beliint  me  in  the  matter  uv 
pathetics,  and  in  them  fine  tutches  wich  show  the 
man  uv  sole  and  sensibilities. 

Be  that  ez  it  may,  the  pome  made  a  impression 
on  me,  (wich  is  proof  that  there  is  sutliin  in  it,) 
and  it  wuz  onto  my  mind  ez  I  retired  to  my  vir- 
toous  couch. 

Skarcely  hed  I  sunk  into  slumber,  when   my 


A   HORRIBLE   YISIOX.  391 

viggerus  intellek,  wich  even  the  bonds  uv  slum- 
ber can't  chain,  wandered  away  into  the  misty 
realms  uv  speckelashcn.  I  hed  the  most  horrible 
vision  that  ever  afflicted  a  sleepin  man,  wich  the 
bare  recollckshun  uv,  causes  a  involuntary  shud- 
der to  thrill  my  susceptible  frame. 

Methawt  a  epidemic  startid  in  iVfrika,  and  cum 
by  reglar  steps  through  Europe,  and  finally  reeched 
Noo  York.  For  a  time  it  raged  alike  among  all 
classes  uv  people,  and  among  all  colors  and  com- 
plexions. The  proud  and  hawty  Caucassian,  the 
bold  and  patriotic  Celt,  the  noble  red  man  uv  the 
forest,  (wich  is  pizen,)  all,  all,  wuz  swept  away 
by  the  relentless  pestilence. 

Finally,  it  abated.  The  white  man  and  the 
red  man  begun  to  escape  the  fangs  uv  death ; 
but  among  the  niggers  it  raged  wuss  than  ever. 
Thro  the  South  it  swept  like  a  tornado,  sparin  the 
whites,  but  cuttin  down  every  nigger  in  its  path. 
Ther  wuz  weepin  and  wailin.  The  hawty  planter 
saw  in  his  nigger-quarters  the  brite  octoroon,  for 
whom  he  hed  paid  $2500,  and  who  hed  solaced 
his  hours  uv  relaxasheii  with  licr  clmi'ins — who 
hed  bore  him  girls  almost  perfekly  white,  wich, 
on  akkount  uv  lieviii  his  blood  in  their  vanes,  ho 
hed  been  able  to  sell  for  $3000  and  $4000  to  other 
planters,  whose  tastes  run  in  that  direckshun — ho 


392  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

saw  lier,  the  objeck  iiv  his  aifeckshun,  and  a  part 
uv  his  estate,  lyin  a  inanymait  corpse,  not  worth 
a  cent  for  any  purpose. 

Likewise  he  saw  his  robust  feeld-hands,  each 
wun  with  sinews  and  muscles  uv  iron — the  males 
harty  and  sound,  without  blemish;  the  females 
capable  uv  raisin  a  picanniny  wich  wuz  worth 
|200  ez  soon  ez  weened,  wunst  a  year,  and  by  a 
little  extra  whippin  do  a  year's  work  in  the  feeld 
every  12  months,  stretched  cold  corpses  in  the 
feeld,  the  cotton  unpicked,  and  his  last  year's 
gamblin  debts  unpaid.  Thus  wuz  disease  out 
rajin  all  the  finer  feelins  uv  humanity,  and  de- 
stroyin  relentlessly  all  that  made  life  pleasant  and 
lovely. 

Finally,  nigger  after  nigger  fell,  until  but  two 
remained  in  the  Yoonited  States.  They  wuz  a 
male  and  female,  uv  sich  perfekly  helthy  systems, 
that  it  seemed  impossible  for  disease  to  tetch 
them.  When  the  epidemic  wuz  known  to  hev 
settled  down  to  niggers  alone,  the  Dimokrasy 
held  a  consultation,  and  fearin  the  race  wood  be- 
cum  extinct,  hed  selected  these,  hed  carefully  se- 
kloodid  em  from  the  world,  and  hed  employed 
twenty-four  uv  the  most  eminent  medikle  men  uv 
the  world,  to  be  with  em  constantly — each  stayin 
an  hour — that,  in  case  they  showd  eny  symptoms, 


A    HORRIBLE    VISION.  393 

the  proper  remedies  mite  be  to  wunst  applide, 
afore  the  disease  got  a  hold.  From  these  two,  ef 
the  rest  wuz  destroyed,  it  wuz  hoped  a  new  stock 
cood  be  raised,  that  the  dangers  uv^  negro  equality 
mite  be  still  kept  afore  the  Amerikin  people. 

But  all  to  no  purpus.  The  unsparin  pestilence 
smoted  em,  and,  notwithstandin  the  efforts  made 
by  the  eminent  physicians — notwithstandin  the 
prayers  and  groans  uv  the  Dimokrasy  —  they 
died! 

Mcthawt  the  heavens  wuz  hung  in  black,  and 
ominus  litenins  shot  athwart  the  skies.  In  the 
distants  low,  mutrin  thunders  wuz  heard,  and  the 
beests  uv  the  forests  run  affrighted  fruin  their 
coverts.  Dray  bosses  dropt  dead  in  the  streets ; 
dorgs  run  wildly,  with  their  tongues  a  hangin  out, 
and  the  white  foam  droppin  from  their  distendid 
jaws.  Ever  and  anon,  pale,  sickly  gleams  uv 
lite  flashed  across  the  dark,  leaden- colored  clouds, 
givin  naclier  the  appearance  uv  labrin  under  a 
severe  attack  uv  yaller  janders. 

The  last  nigger  wuz  dead  ! 

Presently,  the  leaders  uv  the  Dimokrasy  begun 
to  assemble. 

Fernandywood  cum. 

"Alars!"  sez  he,  sobbin  ez  tlio  his  hart  wood 
break,  and  kissin  the  cold  corpse — "  Farewell,  my 
25 


394  PETROLEUM  V.  XASBY. 

hopes — a  long  and  larst  farewell !  Thou  wust  our 
corner-stun ;  on  thee  we  built.  Thou  wust  our 
cappitle,  our  cheefest  trust.  We  used  yoo — we 
aboozed  yoo — and  in  aboozin  yoo  found  our  profit. 
Yoo  wuz  ordained  to  be  the  cuss  uv  Ameriky — we 
wuz  ordained  to  be  alluz  fearful  uv  yoor  bein  our 
sooperior — to  us  wuz  entrusted  the  deliteful  task 
uv  keepin  yoo  down,  and  us  over  yoo.  Our  task 
is  ended  with  thee.  Kin  we  any  more  rally  our 
people  to  the  poles,  by  yawpin  the  dangers  uv  nig- 
ger equality,  when  ther  ain't  no  nigger?  This, 
now,  is  a  white  man's  guverment — we  hev  nuthin 
left  to  contend  for,  and  thus  I  foller  thee." 

And  Fernandy,  who  hed  found  a  jack-knife  in 
the  nigger's  vest-pockit,  run  it  into  his  bowils,  and 
fell  a  dead  corpse  across  his  body. 

Franklin  Peerse  approached  and  wailed  thus : 

"And  art  thou  gone,  last  uv  the  Afrikins? 
Good  not  the  avengin  ministers  uv  death  hev 
taken  sum  other  race?  Good  not  the  noble  Injin 
bin  taken,  and  thou  spared  to  Demokrasy?  ^o 
w^hite  man  feered  his  supremacy.  Good  not  the 
Ghinese  hev  bin  sacrificed  in  thy  stead?  The  peo- 
ple hed  no  prejoodis  agin  his  color.  Thou  wust 
all  that  made  me  uv  yoose,  and  ez  thou  art  gone, 
so  I  go  also." 

And  takin  the  jack-knife  out   uv  Fernandy's 


A   HORRIBLE   VISIOX.  395 

hand,  he  stabbed  hissclf  with  it,  and  fell  dead  atop 
uv  Fornandy. 

VaUandigum  approached,  weepin  vileiitly. 

"Oj)posin  thy  elevation,"  sed  he,  addressin  the 
dead  nigger,  "  wunst  made  a  niarter  uv  nie,  wich 
marterdom  netted  me  $30,000  in  ten-cent  pieces, 
wich  I  immejitly  invested  in  7-30  bonds  issued  by 
a  tyranikle  and  onconstooshnal  guverment.  By 
jarryin  a  portrait  uv  thee,  and  exhibitin  it  at  my 
meetins  in  the  rooral  deestricks,  I  hev  made  my 
constitooencies  bile  with  rage,  at  the  ijee  uv  sich  ez 
thou  bein  elevatid  to  their  speer.  Like  Othello, 
'my  okkepashun's  gone.'  Farewell,  pollytix — 
thou  wast  my  pollytix.  Farewell,  Congris  ! — uv 
wat  yoose  is  a  Dimekrat  in  Congris  with  no  nig- 
ger to  blat  about?  Farewell,  life ! — for  wat  is  life 
with  no  nigger  to  persekoot?" 

And  takin  the  jack-knife  from  Peerse's  hand, 
he  recklessly  plunged  it  into  his  bowils,  and  fell 
across  Peerse. 

Brite,  uv  Injeany;  Richardson,  uv  llliiioy;  Sey- 
mour, uv  Noo  York;  Florence,  uv  Pennsiiv.niy, 
and  all  the  leeders  uv  the  party  uv  tlic  North, 
without  exception,  cum  up,  and,  makiii  similar 
orashuns,  used  the  jack-knife  in  like  style — fallin 
across  each  other  ez  four-foot  wood  is  corded. 
Ginral  Slocum,  uv  Noo  York,  hed  a  good  mind  to 


396  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

do  the  same  thing;  but  he  conclooded  he  cood  turn 
a  somerset  out  uv  the  party  ez  easy  ez  he  somer- 
setted  into  it,  and  he  did  n't. 

Filled  with  anguish  uv  the  heaviest  descrip- 
shun,  and  fully  appreciatin  the  feelins  uv  the 
noble  men  who  woodent  survive  their  party,  I 
caught  the  jack-knife,  and,  throwin  myself  into  a 
attitood — sich  ez  I  hev  seen  Forist  cum,  when,  in 
Otheller,  he  stabs  hisself — I  wuz  on  the  pint  uv 
makin  it  acqwaintid  with  my  intestines,  when  I 
happened  to  observe  a  quart-bottle  stickin  out  uv 
the  nigger's  coat-pockit.  Droppin  the  knife,  I 
seezed  it,  and  in  2  gulps  swallered  the  contents. 
The  room  spun  round  and  round,  and,  eggsaustid, 
I  fell  senseless  across  the  dead  sooisides.  Jest 
then,  Horis  Greely  entered  the  room.  Holdin  up 
both  hands,  he  exclaimed : 

"  Ez  it  wuz  in  the  beginnin,  so  it  is  in  the  endin. 
Behold  Dimokrasy! — nigger  at  the  bottom,  and 
whisky  at  the  top.  We  're  rid  uv  two  great 
cusses  to  wunst!" 

And,  instid  uv  punchin  his  stumick  with  the 
knife,  he  shuffled  out  uv  the  room,  holdin  his 
nose. 

I  awoke,  in  a  feverish  sweat,  shreekin  wildly. 
So  vivid  wuz  the  scene  I  hed  dreemed,  that  I 


A   HORRIBLE   YISIOX.  397 

found  it  impossible  to  sleep,  and  all  that  long  nitc 
I  walked  the  flore  in  agony. 

Wuz  the  dreem  profetik  ?  Is  there  any  danger 
uv  the  nigger  beciimin  extinct  by  disease?  I 
know  amalgamashun  is  w^hitenin  him  in  tlic  8utli- 
ern  States,  but  up  Xorth,  where  Dimokrasy  is 
skarse,  we  kin  preserve  them  in  all  their  original 
blackness.  Hevin  grant  that  this  friteful  vision 
wuz  simply  the  result  uv  a  disordered  stumick, 
and  not  a  warnin  uv  wrath  to  cum ! 

Petroleum  V.  Xasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  J^oo  Bispensashun. 


398  PETROLEUM    V.  NASBY. 


CXIII. 
HAS    A    CONVERSATION   WITH   THE    DEVIL. 

Saint's  Eest,  (vvich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Xoo  Gersey,)  \ 
September  the  dOth,  1865.      ) 

NiTE  afore  last,  I  wuz  at  a  gathrin  uv  the 
faithful,  in  the  next  town  to  Saint's  Rest,  and  wuz 
a  comin  back  on  the  nite  train  uv  the  Camden 
and  Amboy,  wich  is  the  beauty  and  glory  uv  ISToo 
Gersey.  I  wuz  somewat  elewatid,  hevin  lied  a 
need  uv  inspirin  flooids,  there  bein  two  or  three 
returned  soljers  in  the  meetin,  who  kept  a  pro- 
vokiii  me  with  irrelevant  and  irritatin  remarks, 
sich  ez  pullin  me  orf  the  stand,  and  pintiii  re- 
volvers at  me. 

When  the  conductor  cum  around,  I  told  him 
that  I  wuz  a  humble  worker  in  the  grate  feeld  uv 
Dimekratik  reform,  and  wuz,  uv  coarse,  without 
funds,  and  that  I  expected  to  be  passed  to  my 
home,  FREE !  The  poor  man  wuz  thunder-struck ! 
Staggerin  aginst  the  side  uv  the  car,  pale  ez  a 
ghost,  and  speechless,  he  beckoned  to  a  brakes- 
man, and  pinted  me  out.  In  a  instant  I  wuz 
seezed  and  bundled   out  uv  the  car.     The  next 


CONVERSATION    WITH    THE    DEVIL.  399 

mornin  I   saw   the   incident  noticed  in   tlie  daily 
papers,  under  the  follerin  hed  lines : 

"the  bulworks  uv  society  a  brakix  away!" 


"noo  gersey  in  danger!" 


"a  feend  demands  to  be  ded-heded  over  the 
camden  and  amboy ! " 


"promt  and  HEROIC  ACTION  UV  THE  CONDUCTOR!" 


"his  salry  raised  by  THE  compny!" 


How  long  I  lay  alongside  uv  the  track  I  know 
not;  but  conshusnis  rcturnin,  I  saw,  sittin  on  the 
fence,  the  figure  uv  Satan  hissclf. 

"Avant!"  cried  I.  "Why  comest  thou  to  tor- 
ment me  afore  my  time?" 

"Don't  skeer,"  sez  he;  "I  don't  want  yoo  yet. 
Remember  the  old  man's  remark:  'Why  shood 
men  club  apples  orf  uv  trees,  when,  of  they  let 
cm  alone,  they  will  fall  orf  themselves?'  I  W(.».d- 
ent  take  the  trouble  to  cum  after  yoo,  and  sich  ez 
yoo.  I  often  take  a  toor  thro  Gersey.  It's  my 
best  harvist-field.     I  'm  pleasurin  now." 

Reassured,    I    asked    the    old    gentleman    sum 


400  PETROLEUM    V.    >fASBY. 

questions  as  to  what  kind  iiv  biznis  he  wuz  a 
doin  these  times,  et  settiy. 

He  replied  that  biznis  wuz  good.  The  Suthern 
States  hed  bin  his  grate  feeld  uv  labor,  and  when 
they  rebelled  agin  the  guverment  he  thot  he  hed 
ded  wood  on  them  localities.  His  sole  expanded 
with  goy  ez  he  saw  the  Churches  South  plunge 
into  the  seceshn  biznis,  and  their  preechers  throw 
orf  the  sackerdotle  robes  and  put  on  butternut 
uniform.  They  never  hed.  much  religion  down 
there,  anyhow ;  but  when  they  w^ent  into  seceshn, 
they  threw  away  that  little. 

"Ez  Linkin's  helyuns  advanst,"  he  sed,  "my 
sole  shrunk — only  occasionally  wuz  I  elewatid  ez 
yoo  Copperheds  riz  in  the  IN'orth.  Finally,  when 
Lee  and  Johnson  surrendered,  I  give  up  all  hopes. 
That,  I  thot,  settled  the  question.  The  niggers 
will  be  emancipated  and  I  '11  lose  them,  for  they  '11 
larn  to  read,  and  they  '11  diskiver  that  virchoo  is 
the  best  road  to  travel.     Also" — 

"Hold!"  sez  I,  "do  niggers  go  to  hell?" 

"Uv  coarse,  when  they  die  in  their  sins,"  sez 
he. 

"Farewell,  hope!"  exclaims  I,  in  agony,  "for 
all  is  lost!  At  the  last  end  the  entire  Dimokrasy 
will  be  on  a  equality  with  the  nigger,  and  will  hev 
to  mix  with  em." 


CONVERSATIOX    WITH    THE    DEVIL.  401 

"Also,"  sez  he,  a  goin  on,  "  I  wuz  satisfied  I 
shood  lose  the  whites  South,  for  when  they  can't 
live  on  nigger  labor  and  hev  to  go  to  work,  they 
won't  hev  time  to  gamble  nor  drink.  They  won't 
hev  12500  to  pay  for  pretty  octoroons,  and,  per 
consequence,  one  uv  the  commandments  will  be 
better  observed.  So  I  wuz  lo-sperited,  and  con- 
clooded  that  the  Almity  had  taken  that  part  uv 
the  country  out  uv  my  hands." 

"How,  then,"  sez  I,  "is  it  that  yoo  feel  so  well 
to-night?" 

"For  two  reasons,"  sez  he.  "I  alluz  feel  at 
home  in  Noo  Gersey ;  and  besides  that,  things  don't 
look  so  bad  after  all.  You  folks  up  X(»rth  are 
doin  things  to  soot  me,  and  so  they  arc  South. 
Uv  what  account  is  Linkin's  proelamashen,  when 
sich  men  ez  now  controle  the  South,  are  in  power? 
Them  Sutherners  are  men  I  like.  Guvner  Perry 
talks  uv  'Radikle  Republikins,'  wicli  shows  he's 
bound  2  make  head  agin  the  only  enemies  I  ever 
hed  in  the  North.  The  nigger  is  free,  but  nnly  in 
name.  That  blessid  doctrine  uv  Stait  Rites  al- 
lows eech  wun  uv  tlie  Staits  to  oppress  jist  wliicli 
class  they  please,  and  ez  the  North  will  ccrtinly 
pass  all  sorts  uv  laws  agin  their  esca[»iu  in  that 
direcshun,  it  seems  to  me  ez  tho  CufT  wuz  l)etween 
the   upper  and  nether  mill-stun,  after  all.     Five 


402  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

dollars  a  month  tliey  will  agree  to  pay  liim,  but  that 
he  '11  never  git.  Then  follcrs  steelins,  and  stabbing, 
and  shootins,  and  hangins,  and  arsons,  and  insur- 
rections, [here  he  rubbed  his  hands,]  and  more 
sich  fun  than  we  ever  saw.  Then  when  the  South 
gets  strong  agin,  and  they  and  yoo,  yoonited,  make 
a  majority  in  Congris,  won't  them  Yankees  git? 
Won't  we  (I  speek  uv  yoo  Northern  Dimekrats  and 
the  South  and  me,  wich  hez  alluz  bin  pardners,) 
make  the  North  pay  the  Suthern  war  debt?  Won't 
we  re-establish  slavery  in  the  South  and  extend  it 
over  all  the  territories,  and  finally  over  all  the 
Northern  Staits,  makin  it  yooniversal  ?  I  rather 
think  so.  Ef  the  North  refoozes,  then  agin  yoo 
and  the  South  and  I  will  make  another  war,  and 
that  time  we  '11  succeed,  for  we  '11  know  how,  bet- 
ter, and  the  guverment  overthrode,  we  '11  fix  it  jist 
ez  we  want  it.     And  then" — 

At  this  pint  he  threw  his  left  arm  about  my 
neck  in  a  extacy  uv  irrepressible  love.  It  scorched 
ez  tho  a  hot  bar  uv  iron  hod  bin  twisted  around 
me,  and,  shreekin  with  agony — I  awoke. 

It  wuz  only  a  dreem,  and  I  found  myself  a  lyin 
in  the  identikle  ditch  in2  wich  I  lied  fallen  when 
the  conductor  threw  me  orf  the  trane. 

I  cood  not  hel  ,  wondrin  at  the  corrcctnis  with 


APPEALS   TO   THK    DEMOCRACY.  403 

wicli    my   A'isltor   guessed    the    purposes    uv   our 
party.  Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lnit  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjjensashun. 


CXIV. 
appeal  to  the  democracy. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wicb  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gcrsey,)  ) 

October  the  ith,  18G5.      j 

DiMEKRATS  UV  the  North !  Yoo  hev  to  deside 
whether  the  old  party,  which  hez  alluz  delited  in 
managin  the  affairs  uv  this  guvernment,  is  to 
agin  assooni  its  nateral  position,  or  whether  it  is 
doomed  to  die,  and  be  among  the  things  that  wuz. 

Ez  the  hed  uv  the  party,  I  issue  this  api)eal. 

The  time  for  argument  hez  passed — all  that 
now  remains  is  ackshen  !  ackshen  ! !  ackshcn  ! ! ! 

Never  before  wuz  there  sich  need  uv  work — 
never  wuz  there  so  much  at  stake.  Look  around 
yoo,  fellow  Dimekrats !  See !  Uv  all  the  Staits 
North,  only  Noo  Gersey  remains  troo  to  licr  an- 
shent  prinsipples.  The  dark  waves  uv  Ablishn- 
ism  are  a  sweepin  over  the  land,  uncliecked,  save 
by  Noo  Gersey.  There,  thank  God,  tlie  ark  uv 
the  covnant  rests.     There  the   vestal   lircs   burn 


404  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

brightly.  Noo  Gcrscy  hez  the  Dimokrasy  she  al- 
luz  hed — she  changes  not.  Ever  sence  the  yeer  be- 
fore the  Revolushen,  she  hez  bin  Dimekratik.  'No 
matter  wat  issues  wiiz  presented — no  matter  on 
wich  side  uv  sed  issues  the  Dimokrasy  planted 
theirselves,  N^oo  Gersey  alluz  voted  that  ticket. 

Sech  confidin  trust  in  the  leaders,  sech  Roman 
simplicity,  is  refreshin.  Wood,  0  wood  that  we 
hed  more  IS'oo  Gerseys ! 

This  fall  the  Dimokrasy  hev  exceeded  their- 
selves in  liberality  to  the  people.  Never  wuz 
there  sich  a  assortment  uv  princij^les  to  choose 
from.  In  IN'oo  York,  we  hev  on  the  track  a  Gin- 
ral,  who  sheathed  his  sword  in  the  harts  uv  his 
Suthern  brethrin,  and  him  we  stood  on  a  plat- 
form which  recoo'nizes  the  death  uv  slaverv,  and 
feels  good  over  it,  and  wich  goes  for  payin  the 
debt,  intrest,  principle,  and  all.  In  !N'oo  Gersey 
we  hev  a  Ginral  on  the  ticket  who  run  away  from 
Bull  Run,  becoz  he  didn't  approve  uv  the  princi- 
ples on  wich  the  war  wuz  bein  condukted,  on  a 
platform  ez  strikly  Suthern  ez  the  Camden  and 
Amboy  cood  make  it.  In  Ohio,  our  i^latform  wuz 
made  by  the  great  Yallandigum,  and  in  it  is  the 
pure  expressed  joose  uv  Dimokrasy.  The  great 
doctrine  uv  Staits  Rites  is  avowed,  and  the  rite 
uv  the  seceded  Staits  to  agin  secede  is  upheld. 


APPEALS    TO   THE   DEMOCRACY.  405 

Here  is  diversity — here  is  pickin.  Each  Diin- 
ekrat  kin  pick  wich  set  uv  prinsipplcs  he  desires, 
and  the  cheerman  uv  his  central  committy  will 
cheerfully  certify  that  that  set  will  he  made  uni- 
versal, ez  soon  ez  a  Xashnel  Convenshun  con- 
venes. 

Look  at  wat  intrests  are  at  stake.  Do  yoo  want 
to  marry  nigger  wenches?  Do  yoo  want  yoor 
gushin  daughters  tied  by  indissoluble  ties  to  dis- 
gustin  buck  niggers?  We  hev  persistently  peti- 
tioned Abolishn  legislachers  to  pass  acts  preventin 
us  from  doin  this  foul  thing,  but  to  no  a\ak'. 
They  hev  turned  a  deef  ear  to  our  entreaties,  and 
to-day  we  stand  exposed  to  all  these  dangers. 

Do  yoo  want  a  buck  nigger  to  march  up  to  the 
poles  with  yoo  to  vote?  Do  yoo  want  their  chil- 
dren mixt  with  yoors  in  skools?  Do  yoo  want  em 
on  juries  and  holdin  of!is  in  yoor  township?  ^ly 
God !  think  uv  it !  Think  uv  yoor  bein  brot  up 
on  a  charge  uv  petty  larceny,  sich  ez  steel  in  sheep 
or  chickens,  before  a  nigger  justis  uv  the  peese ! 
Think  uv  yoor  bein  sood  for  a  store-bill  that  IrmI 
run  ten  yeers,  afore  a  nigger  squire!  In  the 
towns  and  cities,  think  uv  bein  arrestid  for  bein 
drunk,  by  a  nigger  policeman,  and  bein  arraned 
in  the  mornin  before  a  nigger  mayor!  Contem- 
plate these  pikters  without  a  shudder,  cf  yoo  kin. 


406  PETROLEUM  V.    NASBY. 

These  questions  must  be  met.  They  stare  us  in 
the  face.  On  yoo  depends  the  issue.  The  nigger 
is  our  natral  enemy. 

Sum  uv  our  best  lites  are  in  favor  uv  givin  him 
the  suifrage,  on  the  ground  that  in  a  little  while 
we  wood  git  his  votes,  on  the  prinsipple  that  we 
ketch  all  the  trash  naterally.  My  frends,  be  not 
deseeved.  We  hev  aboozed  the  nigger  so  long  and 
so  persistently,  that  it  wood  take  ages  afore  we 
cood  get  him  suffishently  demoralized  to  act  with 
us,  and  afore  that  time  we  wood  all  be  in  the  si- 
lent grave,  where  poUytix  is  uv  no  akkount. 

On  the  question  uv  taxes,  and  reconstruction, 
and  sich,  I  refer  yoo  to  the  platforms  adoptid  by 
yoor  various  Stait  Convenshuns ;  yoo  may  depend 
upon  eech  bein  perfeckly  sound.  On  these  minor 
questions  there  may  be  diffrense  uv  opinion  in 
localities;  but,  thank  Hevin,  on  nigger  there  is 
unanimity.  "JN'igger  and  him  prostrated,"  is  the 
rallyin  cry  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  JSTorth,  South,  East, 
and  West. 

I  bleeve  in  the  above  I  hev  given  a  full  ep- 
itome uv  the  principles  uv  the  party.  We  hev  a 
he  old  fight  afore  us,  and  it  behooves  every  Dim- 
ekrat  to  buckle  on  his  armor  to  wunst.  Xoo  Grer- 
sey  may  be  dependid  on.  The  few  Ablishnists  we 
hev,  hev  gone  so  far  into  spellin-books  and  gram- 


AFTER  THE  OCTOBER   ELECTIOXS,    18G5.       407 

mars,  that  their  talk  is  all  Greek  to  our  voters, 
and  so  they  are  safe  from  their  contaminatin  ap- 
peals. She  expex  every  Stait  to  do  its  dooty.  She 
is  lonesome  and  wants  company.  She  stretches 
out  her  hands  appealinly  to  her  sisters,  and  sez  in 
winnin  tones,  "Jine  me!" 

Will  yoo  not  do  it?     Shel  she  appeal  in  vane? 
Forbid  it,  Ilevin !     Rally!    Rally!    Rally! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


cxv. 

AFTER   THE    OCTOBER    ELECTIONS,    1865. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  tlie  Stnit  uv  Xoo  Gerscy,  \ 
October  the  Wth,  1805.      i 

Ohio,  Ablishn! 

Pennsylvany,  Ablishn! 

Noo  Gerseij,  not  eggsackly  Ablishn,  but  ap- 
proachin  thereunto. 

Sich  is  the  encouragin  news  I  read  in  the  news- 
papers this  mornin!  Sich  is  the  result  uv  labors 
Hercoolian,  in  the  above-named  Staits.  Wliat  do 
the  people  mean  ? 

The  pure  Dimokrasy,  probably,  will  cari-y  Noo 


408  PETROLEUM    V.    XASBY. 

York;  but  of  what  consolation  is  that  to  me?  The 
two  parties,  the  old,  anshent  Dimokrasy  and  the 
Ablishn,  run  a  race  into  the  realms  uv  Radikal- 
ism,  and  the  Dimokrasy  beat  them  over  a  length. 
With  a  platform  standin  by  Johnson,  endorsin  his 
anti-slavery  noshens,  his  Suthern  oppression  no- 
shens,  his  hangin  uv  Mrs.  Surratt,  et  settry,  and 
on  that  platform  a  soljer  who  never  votid  a  Dim- 
ekratik  ticket  in  his  life,  who  went  into  the  war 
a  Radikle  Ablishnist,  and  who  kum  out  a  Radi- 
kle  Ablishnist,  I  don't  know  that  I  hev  much  to 
choose  atween  em. 

Last  week  I  wuz  invited  into  a  county  in  Xoo 
York,  to  address  a  Dimekratik  meetin.  I  ac- 
cepted, (ez  ni}^  expensis  were  paid,  wich  is  cheeper 
and  better  boardin  than  I  get  at  the  groseries  to 
hum,)  and  akkordinly  I  went.  I  commenst  de- 
liverin  the  speech  I  hed  yoosed  all  over  JN'oo  Grer- 
se}^  I  commenst  aboosin  the  nigger,  when  the 
cheerman  interruptid  me. 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "wat  is  it?"  rather  angrily,  for 
I  git  warmed  up  and  a  sweatin,  and  don't  like  to 
be  interruptid. 

"Why,"  sed  he,  "our  constooshn  allows  a  nig- 
ger who  hez  $250  to  vote,  and  most  uv  em  hev 
that  sum,  and  we  make  it  a  pint  to  sekoor  em." 

"They're  a  d — d  site  better  off  than  most  uv 


AFTER  THE  OCTOBER  ELECTIONS,  1805.   409 

US  white  Dimekrats  in  Xoo  Gcrsey,"  retortiJ  I, 
a  clroppin  the  nigger  and  goin  on  agin  President 
Johnson. 

"Stop,"  whispered  the  cheerman ;  "our  platform 
endorses  President  Johnson." 

"Thunder!"  remarked  I,  droppin  President 
Johnson,  and  slidin  easily  into  a  wiggerus  denun- 
siation  uv  the  war. 

"Good  God!"  sez  the  cheerman,  "stop!  Our 
platform  endorses  the  war." 

I  sed  nuthin  this  time,  but  comraenst  denouncin 
the  debt. 

"Hold!"  sed  the  cheerman;  "easy — easy — oui 
platform  backs  up  the  debt." 

"Well,  then,"  sed  I,  in  a  rage,  "why  in  blazes 
did  n't  yoo  send  me  a  copy  uv  yoor  platform  when 
yoo  wantid  me  to  address  yoo  ?  Go  to  thunder 
and  make  yoor  own  speeches;"  and  I  stawked  off 
the  platform. 

Time  wuz  when  wun  speech  wood  do  a  man  all 
over  the  North.  Now  yoo  hev  to  hev  a  difTrent 
wun  for  every  Stait,  wicli  makes  it  impossible  for 
me  to  travel,  for  wun  effort  per  season  is  cnufF 
for  me. 

But,  ez  I  wuz  a  say  in,  we  are  beat  agin,  and 
beat  badly — beat  on  issues  uv  our  own  makin — 
beat  with  taxes,  bonds,  war  debt,  and  nigger 
26 


410  PETKOLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

equality  all  in  our  favor.  Do  n't  say  to  me  that 
we  rcdoost  their  majorities.  What  diifrence  does 
it  make  to  a  defeatid  candidate,  whether  the  ma- 
jority agin  him  is  one  thousand  or  one  hundred? 
A  needle  will  kill  a  man  ez  eifectooally  ez  a  broad- 
sword, ef  it's  stuck  in  the  right  place.  So  a  ma- 
jority uv  wun  is  enuif.  I  hev  known  men  to 
hold  orfises  four  years,  and  hev  good  appetites,  on 
a  majority  uv  one.  It 's  the  orfises  we  wuz  a  goin 
for — it's  them  our  patriots  wanted,  and  it's  no 
consolation  to  them  to  say  they  mist  by  a  small 
majority!  It's  holler  mockery — the  same  ez  tho 
you  'd  show  a  starvin  man  a  loaf  uv  bread  jest 
inside  uv  iron  bars — his  fingers  are  not  a  inch 
from  it,  but,  so  far  ez  his  cravin  stumick  is  con- 
cerned, it  mite  ez  well  be  across  the  boundless 
ocean. 

We  may  recover  from  this  backset,  but  I  hev 
my  fears.  The  people  is  ez  stoopid  ez  ever,  and 
our  leaders  is  ez  akoot  ez  ever;  but,  alas!  the  fact 
that  we  hev  failed  in  every  thing  we  hev  under- 
took, for  four  years,  is  gettin  thro  the  hair  uv 
thousands,  and  they  look  askant  at  us. 

Be  it  ez  it  may,  it  makes  but  little  diffrence  to 
me.  A  few  years,  and  I  shel  go  hentz.  Ef  the 
Bible  is  troo,  I  shel  go  where  I  will  find  a  heavy 
Dimekratik  majority,  shoor ;  ef  it  is  not,  and  there 


THE    BOW-LEGGED   KXITE.  411 

is  no  hereafter,  why,  then,  at  hist,  I  .shcl  be  on  a 
level  with  the  best. 

"  So,  let  the  wide  world  wag  cz  it  will," 

I  '11  keep  on  the  even  tenor  uv  my  way,  takhi  my 
nips  ez  often  ez  I  kin  find  a  confidin  sole  who  hez 
more  money  than  diskreshun. 

Petroleum  V.  Ts'asby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


CXVI. 

THE    BOW-LEGGED    KNITE;    OR,    THE    RED-HEADED 
APOTHECARY'S    DOOM. 

A   TIIRILLIN   TALE. 

Chapter  I. 
'T  WAS  nite,  in  Posey  County,  Ingeany ! 

[For  a  full  description  uv  sed  nite,  see  Chapter  I  uv  the  author's  last 
and  greatest  work,  "The  Rival  Blood-tubs;  or,  The  Struggle  for  Crout."] 

The  lovely  Marguerite  do  Smythe  wuz  alone  in 
her  chamber.  Her  lied  wuz  bowed  on  a  table,  on2 
wicli  flickered  the  dim  lite  uv  a  cotton  rag  floatin 
in  a  sarscr  uv  lard.  Iler  disheveled  hair,  her 
clasticless  stockins,  and,  more  than  all  else,  tlie 
hole  in  the  heel  uv  wun  uv  em,  showed  that  she 
wuz   laborin    under   some   feerful   emotion.     For 


412  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

awhile  she  sot,  lier  fair  buzziirri  hccvin  like  old 
Ocean  when  Boreas  smites  it,  her  whole  frame 
quiverin  like  a'  peach-tree  with  a  dozen  little  nig- 
gers in  it.  At  larst  her  overcharged  feelins  found 
vent  in  tears. 

"Marion!"  she  cried,  "thy  mop,  girl!"  and  for 
12  hours  the  faithful  handmaiden  mopped  up  the 
pearly  tears  ez  they  fell  from  those  beauteous 
orbs,  wringin  the  rags  out  of  the  winder. 

"This  suspense  is  intolerable,"  muttered  the 
frenzied  Marguerite.  "  I  kin  endoor  it  no  longer. 
Timothy !  Timothy ! "  she  shreeked,  in  a  agony 
uv  despair. 

Skasely  hed  the  word  left  her  lips  ere  a  step 
wuz  heerd  upon  the  stairs.  It  approached  nearer 
and  nearer — "Thank  Heven,  'tis  him!"  screamed 
the  delited  girl,  ez  she  threw  a  buifalo-robe  upon 
the  floor  to  faint  on  in  case  Timothy  shood  fale  to 
ketch  her  in  his  arms.  Nearer  and  nearer  the 
step  approached ;  a  heavy  hand  wuz  laid  upon  the 
latch,  the  door  flew  open,  and  Marguerite  rushed 
into  the  arms  uv — not  Timothy — but  the  Bow- 
legged  Knite!  A  demoniakle  smile  played  over 
his  sinister  countenance  ez,  wringin  the  neck  uv 
Marion  and  pitchin  her  out  uv  the  winder,  he  re- 
stored the  inannymate  Marguerite  2  conshusnis, 
by  sousin  a  barl  or  2  uv  water  upon  her. 


THE   BOW-LEGGED    KXITE.  413 

Chapter  11. 

Marguerite  wuz  kiini  2,  and  Loldly  confronted 
the  hated  monster  who  «t(jod  afore  lier. 

"Villin!  wretch!  sanguinary  skunk!"  she  ex- 
chiimed,  her  nose  turuin  uj)  in  skorn  until  it 
reached  the  top  uv  her  head,  and  cauglit  on  a 
hair-pin;  "what  wouhlst  thou  with  me?" 

"Thy  hand!" 

"0,  Ileven!  that  I,  the  hist  uv  a  long  and 
noble  line,  shood  live  to  hear  this ! "  exclaimed  the 
maiden,  drawin  herself  up  to  her  full  hite,  by 
means  uv  a  pulley  in  the  ceelin. 

"Last  uv  a  long  and  noble  line!  By  my  hali- 
dome,  thou  speekest  trooly — thou  art  the  hist  uv 
a  long  and  noble  line — a  clothes-line !  Thy  father 
hung  himself  with  the  one  thy  mother  used  in  her 
biznis.  But  enuff  uv  this.  Mine  thou  must  be. 
Thou  knowst  me  well.  Cross  my  purposes,  and  I 
am  ez  frackshus  ez  a  two-year  old  colt  with  a 
chestnut  burr  under  his  tail;  humor  me,  and  1 
am  ez  amiable  ez  a  chicken  with  dough  idorc  it. 
Ez  for  Timothy,  yoo  shel  never  wetl  him — his 
doom  is  seeled!  Let  me  but  see  him  cast  a  look 
on  thee,  and  I'll  punch  the  low-born  varh-t  in  the 
stumick — thus." 

And  the  Bow-legged  Knite,  drawin   his   shinin 


414  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

blade,  made  2  or  3  hundred  passes  at  the  wall, 
endin  by  tiirnin  a  double-somerset. 

Skasely  wuz  he  dun,  when  the  door  flew  open 
and  Timothy  appeared.  Marguerite  shreeked, 
while  the  Knite  threw  himself  between  the  doomed 
apothecary  and  the  door,  and  drawd  his  sword. 

"  Ha  !  ha !  ho  !  ho  !  I  hev  thee  now,  thou  pill- 
mixer!  thou  peddler  uv  Injin  remedies  !  Prepare 
for  instant  death!"  exclaimed  the  Knite,  makin 
a  tremenjus  blow.  But  the  wary  apothecary  wuz 
on  his  gard,  and  ez  the  blow  descended,  he  stept 
aside.  Another  blow,  dodge ;  blow,  dodge ;  blow, 
dodge.  Finally,  the  luckless  apothecary,  bearin 
the  lifeless  form  uv  Marguerite,  wuz  in  a  corner. 
Retreat  wuz  out  uv  the  question,  and  further 
dodgin  impossible.  A  happy  thot  struck  him. 
Ez  the  sword  uv  the  Knite  desended,  he  dexter- 
ously interposed  the  body  uv  Marguerite,  ducked 
his  head,  darted  between  the  legs  uv  the  Knite, 
and  run  like  a  dog  with  a  tin  kittle  tied  to  his 
tail.  The  Knite,  robbed  uv  his  vengeance,  and 
seein  his  beloved  Marguerite  dead  at  his  feet, 
stabbed  hisself  and  died  also. 

Chapter  III. 

2  months  elapst.  Timothy  ventured  back,  and 
a  horrible  site  met  his  vision.     The  lovely  Mar- 


THE    BOW-LKGGEl)    KXITE.  416 

giicrite  wuz  cut  in  2,  and  tlio  Knite,  stuii-dcad, 
wuz  lyin  beside  her.  But  he  wuz  not  to  be  dis- 
couraged by  small  difficulties.  Drawin  llic  two 
pieces  uv  the  beloved  Marguerite  together,  he  ap- 
plied Radway's  Ready  Relief.  "  Thank  llcven !  " 
he  exclaimed,  ez  the  flesh  united.  A  dose  of  the 
Renovatin  Resolvent,  follered  immediately  by  Re- 
peatin  Regulators,  restored  her  to  life,  conscious- 
nis,  appetite,  and  Timothy.  They  were  married 
the  next  day. 

Timothy  wuz  not  vindictive.  Upon  the  Knite's 
promisin  never  to  molest  him  agin,  he  brought  him 
to  life,  and  paid  his  fare  to  Shecago,  where  he  is 
now  runnin  a  hack,  and  doin  well. 

THE   EEND. 


[Note  by  the  Author. — Singlci-  cz  it  may  appear  to  the  reader,  the 
above  beautiful  tale  wuz  rejected  by  the  conseetid  editors  of  the  AUantie 
Monthly/    I  wuz  not  born  in  Boston.] 


416  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 


CXVII. 

GIVES   HIS   EXPERIENCE  IN  THE  MATTER    OF   NEGRO 
IMPUDENCE. 

Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,) ) 

Ocioher  the  1st,  1865.      I 

It  is  a  cardinal  princi2:)le  in  the  Dimekratik 
creed,  that  a  nigger,  taken  from  his  normal  state 
uv  subjekshun  and  placed  on  a  level  with  men, 
will  bekum  overbearin  to  a  degree  most  irritatin 
to  the  well-regulated  Caucashen  mind. 

I  kin  testify  on  this  pint  from  persnal  expe- 
rience. Ten  or  fifteen  years  ago,  when  I  wuz 
younger  than  I  am  now,  and  the  blood  coursed 
toomulchuser  thro  my  vanes  than  it  does  now,  in 
the  winter  uv  life,  (years  gathers  wisdom  uv  mind 
at  the  expense  uv  strength  uv  body,)  I  wuz,  wun 
summer — a  very  hot  summer — wun  day  a  layin  on 
my  back,  resolved  in2  a  committee  uv  ways  and 
means  on  the  question  uv  sutliin  to  eat.  Hunger 
overkum  my  nateral  proclivities,  and  I  wuz  forst 
to  go  to  the  nearest  grocery  and  saw  sum  wood 
for  a  froogal  meal  uv  crackers  and  cheese  and  new 
rum.  While  sweatin  at  this  unwonted  exertion, 
and  cussin  Eve  with  all  my  powers  uv  cussin,  for 
eatin  the  froot  that  sprouted  into  sich  bitter  froot 
ez  I  wuz  then  tastin,  I  resolved  that  ez  woman 


EXPERIENCE   OF    NEGKO    IMPUDENCE.         417 

brought  toil  onto  mc,  woman  should  release  me 
from  it. 

Droppin  the  saw,  I  to  wunst  went  and  washed 
my  face  and  offered  myself  in  marriage  to  five 
widders,  each  uv  whom  I  knowd  owned  a  good 
farm.  By  each  uv  the  five  I  wuz  promptly  re- 
jectid,  amid  peals  uv  lafture. 

Nary  once  discouraged,  I  offered  myself  to  5 
maidens  whose  fathers  lied  good  farms,  and  wuz 
five  times  rejected,  in  three  cases  bein  ignomin- 
iously  kicked  out  uv  the  house. 

Then  I  bethawt  myself  uv  one  more  chance. 
In  the  outskirts  uv  the  town  wuz  a  nigger  wench, 
who  earned  a  very  comfortable  livin  a  washin. 
Belie vin  that  the  honor  uv  hevin  a  white  hus- 
band wood  more  than  compensate  her  for  the 
extra  labor  uv  supportin  me,  and  bein  sure  that 
she  wood  suffishently  appreciate  my  condesenshun 
in  marryin  her,  I  made  her  the  tender  uv  my 
hart  and  hand.  She  accepted,  and  we  wuz  mar- 
ried. 

For  a  time  all  wuz  peace.  She  insisted  on  my 
accompanyin  her  to  church,  wich  I  did,  among  the 
jeers  uv  the  populace. 

"Rail  on!"  thot  I,  "rail  on!  I  kin  stand  yoor 
railin  better  than  the  sweat  nessary  to  answer  the 
demands  uv  a  cravin  stuniick." 


418  PETROLEUM   V.    XASBY. 

Finally  a  crisis  cum.  The  flour  wuz  out — the 
pork-barl  wuz  empty — the  taters  wuz  gone,  and 
the  wood-joile  waxed  low,  and  Mrs.  ISTasby  sejested 
that  I  shood  sujoply  the  achin  void  that  wuz  evi- 
dent in  our  house-keepin  arrangements. 

I  replied  that  I  sposed  sich  wuz  the  case,  and 
that  she  must  go  and  buy,  that  we  mite  eat. 

"Wha's  de  money?"  replied  she. 

"My  deer,"  retortid  I,  "3^00  hev  struck  the  en- 
tire root  uv  the  trubble  in  a  breath.  I  hev  no 
objeckshun  to  the  mere  labor  uv  buyin  the  pro- 
visions— nay,  I  wood  even  go  so  far  as  to  tote  em 
home — hed  I  the  money  with  wich  to  do  it.  That 
money  is  for  yoo  to  earn,  to  prokoor.  Permit  me 
to  sejest  that  yoo  to  wunst  make  yoorself  the 
agreeable  foreground  to  a  wash-tub  that  yoo  wunst 
wuz,  and  on  the  proceeds  uv  sed  tablow  we  '11  eat 
and  be  merry." 

"Wa-a-t!"  sed  she,  growin  white  in  the  face; 
"d'ye  tink  I'se  a-gwine  to  work  to  s'port  myseff, 
now  I'se  married?" 

"Trooly,  I  do,"  sed  I,  calmly. 

"And  yoo,  too?" 

"Indubitably,"  sed  I,  smilin  at  the  absurdity  uv 
her  questions. 

She  growd  black  in  the  face  agin — a  angry 
gleam  shot  from  her  eyes,  and  her  kinky  hair  be- 


EXPERIENCE  OF  NEGRO  IMPFDEXCE.    -119 

kum  straight.  Suddenly  I  lost  all  eonsfiousness. 
I  felt  a  sensation  uv  moving  rapidly  tliro  space. 
For  a  minnit  I  fancied  a  tiglitnin  sensation  at  my 
throat  and  at  the  seat  uv  my  pants,  and  all  wuz 
darkness.  At  last  I  awoke,  and  found  that  .she 
hed  throwd  me  jest  thirty  feet  out  uv  the  door 
into  the  front  yard.  I  assoomed,  then,  all  the  au- 
thority uv  a  husband.  I  demanded  admittance, 
when  from  a  upper  window  appeared  my  angelic 
spouse,  who  emptied  on  my  head  a  bucket  uv 
skaldin  water,  informin  me  that  I  might  expect 
such  treatment  ez  often  ez  I  presented  myself 

I  left  that  town  that  nite,  witli  my  mind  thor- 
oughly made  up  ez  to  the  complete  cussednis  uv 
the  Ethiopian  charikter.  Xo  sooner  hed  I  ele- 
vated that  ongrateful  woman  to  my  level  and 
made  her  my  ekal,  than  she  expectid  mc  to  sujv 
port  her,  the  same  ez  ef  she  hed  bin  uv  my  blood. 

I  left  her  in  disgust,  and  to-day,  I  doubt  not, 
she  and  a  child,  half  uv  the  cuss-tainted  blood  uv 
Ham  and  half  uv  the  proud  Caucashen  race, 
mourn  and  weep  my  prolonged  stay.  Will  I  rvcr 
go  back?  Not  any.  I  made  one  effort  to  elevate 
the  race,  and  one  is  enulV.  Cood  I  sell  Ik-i-  and 
the  child,  I  wood;  but  ez  that  is  illegal  in  this 
Stait,  she  may  tred  her  weary  path  alone. 

PirrUOLKUM    V.    N.VSHY, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  ^oo  Bispensashuii, 


420  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

CXVIII. 

A   FEW   LAST   WORDS. 


Saint's  Rest,  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Gersey,) 
October  the  loth,  1865. 


1 

DiMEKRATS    UY    THE    YoONITED    StATEs!       My 

task  is  finisht.  I  hev  throwd  together  the  views, 
opinyuns,  and  prophecies  contained  in  the  4going 
pages,  ez  so  many  finger-posts  to  guide  yoo  along 
the  road  to  success ;  ez  so  many  bekon-lites  to 
warn  yoo  agin  the  quicksands  and  quagmires  that 
dot  sed  road  here  and  there,  and  into  wich  so 
many  uv  our  most  promisin  travelers  hev  bin  en- 
gulfed. Alars !  how  many  who  set  out  when  I 
did,  and  stepped  ez  high  ez  a  $1400  hoss,  with 
plated  harness  on,  hev  fallen  into  em.  Free-soil- 
ism  wuz  the  fust  wun,  and  into  that  Van  Booren 
and  Chase  drowndid  theirselves.  Popler  sover- 
eignty wuz  another,  and  into  that  Duglis  swamped. 
War,  bloody  war  agin  our  Suthern  brethrin,  wuz 
another,  and  into  that  nearly  the  entire  party  who 
wuz  wat  the  world  calls  decent  enuff  to  soot  the 
aristocratic  Ablishnist,  plunged  headlong,  leavin 
travelin  in  gloomy  silence  only  a  few,  who,  like 
myself,  can't  change  their  habits  enuif  to  git  into 
any  other  organization. 

It  is  well  for  us  that  we  can't.     We  shoodent 


A    FEW    LAST    WORDS.  421 

be  comfortable  anywhere  else.  Xaeher  never 
wastes  nothin — she  gives  us  all  we  kin  enjoy. 
The  bird  that  soars  into  the  bloo  empyriurn  wuz 
made  to  soar  into  the  l)loo  empyriuni,  and  conse- 
kently  wuz  provided  with  Iim]],!-  bones,  and  wings. 
Spozn  the  elefant  shood  hev  a  cravin  to  soar  into 
the  bloo  empyriurn,  (I  like  that  word — its  hefty,) 
woodent  it  be  continyooally  mizable  becoz  it  cood- 
ent  sore  into  the  bloo  empyriuni? 

Likewise.  Nacher  alhiz  makes  a  stingy  man 
lean  and  thin.  Why?  Becoz.  Spozn  nacher 
shood  give  a  mean  man  the  entrales  and  stumick 
uv  a  liberal  man  and  a  <2:ood  liver.  Don't  you  see 
that  his  hevin  the  sed  entrales  and  stumick,  and 
the  desires  appertainin,  and  the  meanness  that 
prevented  his  fillin  em,  wood  make  him  mizable? 
So,  ez  nacher  did  n't  give  him  the  disposition  to 
fill  stumick  and  entrales,  she  didn't  also  give  him 
the  stumick  and  entrales  to  fdl. 

All  uv  wich  goes  to  show  that  we  hev  jest  cz 
much  sense  and  decency  ez  we  are  capable  uv  en- 
joyin. 

I  am  a  old  man,  whose  sands  uv  life  hev  neerly 
run  out,  and,  therefore,  my  words  arc  entitled  to 
weight.  In  these  pages  I  hev  laid  down  rools 
that  must  be  follered  religiously,  cf  we  over  expect 
to  succeed.     To  recapitulate  : 

1.  Skools   arc   agin   us.     Compare  stanch  Air- 


422  PETROLEUM    V.    NASBY. 

ginui,  with  nary  a  skool-house,  and  Ablislm  Mas- 
sychusitts,  dotted  with  em.  When  a  man  learns 
to  read  he  alluz  gits  conseetid,  and  goes  to  thinkin 
for  hisself. 

2.  Churches  are,  ez  a  rool.  I  bleeve  in  religion 
when  properly  preached,  but  a  preacher  shood 
only  read  sich  passages  ez  Onesimus  and  Hayger. 
But  even  then  they  are  hardly  safe.  The  mem- 
bers attendin  are  apt  to  go  to  other  churches,  jest 
to  see  the  difference — then  a  revival  snaps  them 
up,  and  wunst  regelarly  convertid,  they  go  over 
to  the  enemy  without  fail. 

3.  Whisky  is  alluz  a  safe  tool  in  our  hands. 
When  a  man  gits  so  ez  to  barter  his  vote  for  free 
drinks,  he  is  too  low  for  tother  party  to  reach 
down  to — he  kin  only  find  one  bidder,  and  he  's 
ours  at  our  own  price. 

4.  Never  allow  a  man  to  skratch  a  tickit.  It's 
a  exercise  uv  his  own  will,  wich  can't  be  allowed. 
The  convenshuns  decide  not  only  wdiat  we  are  to 
bleeve,  but  who  we  shel  vote  for.  These  rools  is 
general.  There  are  others,  but  I  will  not  go  into 
partickelers. 

Wun  duty  devolves  upon  us,  wich  Ave  must  not 
forget.  Slavery,  that  divine  system,  by  and  thro 
wich  we,  ez  a  party,  wuz  perpetooated  for  years, 
must  be  agin  revived.  We  can't  git  along  with- 
out it.      We  must  hev  suthin  on  wich  the  South 


A   FEW    LAST    WORDS.  423 

will  be  a  unit — sum  iutrcst  so  all-powerful  ez  to 
swaller  up  all  causes  uv  diilTence  down  there, 
smooth  down  all  miner  pints,  and  forsc  em  to  be 
troo  to  Dimokrasy.  Then,  fur  them  to  euntrol, 
they  must  hev  us,  for  they  don't  compose  lialf  uv 
this  Union,  except  in  the  article  uv  impudence,  uv 
wich  they  hev  at  least  three-fourths.  Us  they 
must  hev  to  carry  cnuff  Congressional  deestricks 
to  give  em  a  majority;  enutf  Staits  Xorth  to  elect 
the  President  uv  their  choice,  that  thro  them  they 
may  control  things  ez  they  want  to. 

Uv  coarse,  they  will  hold  all  the  heavy  orfises 
on  the  skore  uv  pekooliar  litnis,  the  South  allii/ 
hevin  bin  the  nursery  uv  statesmen;  l)ut,  tluiiik 
Heven,  the  post-orfises  and  collectorships,  and  .sich, 
they  don't  want,  and  them  we  will  hev. 

A  standin  hatred  uv  Noo  England  nuist  be 
stidily  inkulkated;  not  only  stidily,  but  viggerusly 
and  enthoosiastikly.  Them  Staits  are  a  growin 
rich  off  uv  us,  jest  the  same  ez  in  a  strikly  Dim- 
ekratik  community  one  smart  doggry-keeper  ab- 
sorbs all  the  capital.  Therefore,  we  must  hatr 
her,  and  that  hate  is  a  lever  uv  power  for  us.  Lot 
us  all  jine  in  hatin  'Noo  England. 

I  hev  no  apologies  to  offer  for  any  seiilimenei 
contained  in  these  pages.  I  may  not  hev  .sed 
enuff  agin  the  nigger — 1  may  not  hev  suffishently 


424  PETROLEUM   V.    NASBY. 

aboozed  N'oo  England — I  may  hev  bin  too  easy  on 
Linkin,  and  I  may  hev  sed  too  much  for  Mick- 
lellan.  But,  ef  this  be  so,  these  errors  must  be 
inskribed  to  my  head,  and  not  to  my  heart.  That 
I  am  sound  to  the  core  in  my  Dimokrasy,  let  my 
noze,  and  the  fact  that  I  never  skratched  a  tikit, 
attest. 

In  concloosion. 

To  the  leaders  I  recommend  akootnis,  energy, 
and  perseverance. 

To  the  voters,  steddinis,  submission,  and  un- 
questionin  fidelity. 

To  orfis-holders  in  our  Staits,  liberality,  and  ez 
much  honesty  ez  is  consistent  with  their  own  in- 
terests and  the  interests  uv  the  party. 

To  our  friends,  my  love! 

To  our  enemies,  my  burnin  cuss ! 
Adoo !     Farewell ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  CJmrch  uv  the  Noo  Dis^ensashun. 


THE   END. 


'n 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 

Los  Angeles 

This  book  is  DUE  on  the  last  date  stamped  below. 


MAR  3  1 19^^ 


3    «rt 


f^^J43 


BEirD 


^    APR  11  197J: 

INTERUBRARY  LOA 
Thr«e  weeks  from  date  of 
nfyft  —  HiMi-Renewabk 

MAR  2RJ 


flMttl^^^ 


Form  L9-32»!-8,'57(.C8680s4)444 


LD-UML 


ntfiifr 


u<^£0di2^86 


D   \8!W  C6 


do20Q^ 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

||!!!ll!|||'!l|!|||i||||ri"'|' 


AA    001  242  803   3 


UCLA  Young    h. 

PN6161 


L   009   557   866   2 


